Friday, September 15, 2006

if I were a man....

I love being a vagina. I think it rocks. but, if I happened to be a man, I would:

1: have my hand down my pants and play with my penis and balls all day.

2: stare at my cock all day long.

3: put my dick in everything.

4: show everyone my dick all the time.

5: watch men pee, so I could be the best stand up pee-er on the planet.

6: flash my dick.

7: run up to the top of hills and pee all the way down.

8: walk by a row of parked cars, take me dick out and pee on them.

9: I'd do cock tricks.

10: I'd make stupid dick jokes every fucking chance I got.

but, if I were that kind of man, I wouldn't be caught dead with myself because I'd hate myself. I'd so not be my type.

11 comments:

John Donald Carlucci said...

1: have my hand down my pants and play with my penis and balls all day.
***I KNOW! I love that!***

2: stare at my cock all day long.
***I like to take breaks so I NEVER get tired of that. Man has to sleep and eat sometimes (you can stare when you go to the bathroom - that isn't cheating).***

3: put my dick in everything.
***Why do you think I'm not allowed back to Ralphs anymore?***

4: show everyone my dick all the time.
***Ditto***

5: watch men pee, so I could be the best stand up pee-er on the planet.
***When you have a penis, you need no such reassurance.***

6: flash my dick.
***Why flash? I WANT people to get a long look!***

7: run up to the top of hills and pee all the way down.
***No, just stand at the bottom and pee OVER to the other side.***

8: walk by a row of parked cars, take me dick out and pee on them.
***I just like to leave an impression in the dust of the more expensive ones - to make THEM envious.***

9: I'd do cock tricks.
***Circ de Soliel scouted me TWICE!***

10: I'd make stupid dick jokes every fucking chance I got.
***Um, dick jokes are NEVER stupid Katie.***

but, if I were that kind of man, I wouldn't be caught dead with myself because I'd hate myself. I'd so not be my type.
***Those cursed to live without a penis never understands. Let me help you by leaving you with part of the "Footprints in the sand" poem.

“You promised me Penis,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is that I was leading the way for you.”

I am such a good catholic boy.

JDC

Semi-Celibate Man said...

Funny post!

I like #4, which is why I have this explicit blog:

http://semicelibateerotica.thumblogger.com

katie schwartz said...

jcbc;

you crack me up. hahahahahahahaha. and you truly have an appreciation of your penis. you've really claimed ownership of that meat bat, haven't you?!

semi-celibate, I hit your site, you are too much. I admire your cock centric love. :)

n.v. said...

I would try to give myself a blow job.

Dale said...

With the Penisprints poem, I expected it to end up with someone's end up. You know, only one set of pecker tracks because Jesus' p...never mind.

yournamehere said...

Katie, I love you. I'll give you my cock any time you want it.

katie schwartz said...

vocab, yes! I would too, but we're women, we would say that. if real straight men could suck their own cock, would they? I fear they would think that makes them gay. god, I hope not...

passion of the dale, aka: flogboy, donchya just love jcbc's pee-pee poem!

don't tempt me, mulletboy, I can be quite a cock slut.

Al Sensu said...

Katie, if we could blow ourselves Rome would never have been built.

Back at ya, I remember some line from Steve Martin in L.A. Story that if he had breasts he'd be playing with them all day.

Perhaps best of all would be if we were hermaphrodites. That would solve everything.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Katie,

As you get older, it does whatever it wants...literally. It's always aroused when you're not, and vice-versa. I'd tell you something silly, like that they are overrated, but I'm very attached to mine. We go everywhere together.

"***Circ de Soliel scouted me TWICE!***"

Gian Don, you're killing like Jerry Lee Lewis at a family reunion!

Mars said...

I'm looking to trade access to mine for access to breasts and such. I find it does me no good to state this plainly though.

katie schwartz said...

oh my god, al sensu... you truly truly make me scream!

wp, circ de soliel... YOU ARE SO ON RIGHT NOW.

mars, as always, an other worldly experience that I treasure ;0

 

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