Katie Schwartz

our beloved wp has tagged me for a meemish. if you haven't already, you have to read his alphabet meem . it's god damned funny. ps: another great read, inspired by our equally loved daleish , wp posted about his hair . have you read? run. read. hilar. A- Available or Single single by choice. available? not so much, but I will be soon! who's got wood? B- Best Friend my sister, izzy, katie, wellie pops C- Cake or Pie for a food addict, I can rationalize and celebrate both. each has a purpose, a time and a place. let's not take one and place its value above the other. that's cruel, insensitive and quite vile. D- Drink of Choice Coffee or lemonade mixed with iced tea. if I'm sick, hot tea. E- Essential Item my crack-n-berry. I really prefer not to be without it. F- Favorite Color red. ooh, I lah me some red, girl. G- Gummi Bears or Worms I'm a purist when it comes to candy, chocolate. I don't fuck around with gummi shit. I want it hard, fast and intens...

did you know there's a site called prison art ? dedicated to procuring and selling art created by prizzy's. what a lovely mural esther. who is the artist? he's a prisoner at attica serving life for murder. isn't he just so talented ? yes, I know, I need to get my supportive swirl on. working on it! new topic wp tagged me for a meemish and so did our favorite pharmacist the drug nazi . doing those today. check back because ya's have prally been tagged. new topic jesus was a shvatsah. celebrate it! I know it. you know it. we all know it. this whole caucasian interpretation thing is killin me. get with the program, people. location-location-location.

one of my favorite zealot christian blogs chopped me. I am so forlorn. as of this week, thursday to be exact, she made her blog by subscription only. no viewing for katie. I have to be invited. like that's gonna fuckin' happen. sigh... such a blue jew

World's Tallest Man Takes a Much Shorter Bride here are some excerpts from the article, Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia, married 5-foot-6 saleswoman Xia Shujian several days ago, the Beijing News reported. Bao's 28-year-old bride is half his age and hailed from his hometown of Chifeng even though marriage advertisements were sent around the world, it said. "After a long and careful selection, the effort has been finally paid off," the newspaper said. who paid who? how big was the dowry? I want details. recall a few months back I was worried about the dolphin whisperer peeling without pussy. it's comforting to know he won't. why didn't he marry the world's tallest woman ? we need to find a missionary who will go cock hunting on her behalf. if he can catch puss, she can certainly catch a fella. ps: they look like sibs. check out those punims up close and personal--- sibaroonies?

have you seen this project on the huffington post, the wisdom of the crowd hits the 08' campaign trail ? here's an excerpt of the article : We are recruiting large groups of citizen journalists from around the country to cover the major presidential candidates. Each of these volunteer reporter/bloggers will contribute to a candidate-specific group blog -- offering written updates, campaign tidbits, on-the-scene observations, photos, or original video. We'll have a Clinton blog, an Obama blog, an Edwards blog, a McCain blog, a Giuliani blog, a Romney blog, a Biden blog, a Richardson blog, a Dodd blog, a Kucinich blog, a Brownback blog, a Huckabee blog. Each offering a wide variety of voices and perspectives on the campaign they are following. These group blogs will also be a compendium of useful information about each candidate, including their latest speeches, upcoming appearances, new videos and ads, recent news articles and more. This citizen journalism will be in additio...

talk about a fuckin weird ass day. no. really. weird. someone stole my fuckin' chair and I'm really pissed off about it. I think it was one of the hh's or my new shoulda-been-fabulous gaybor. here's the scoop: right in front of my door, in the hallway, I have a 1950's table with two vinty black chairs. they don't belong to me. I have a giant note on them that says, please do not take these. I am delivering them to someone. sorry for the inconvenience, schwartzy. well, today when my sister was on her way out, we noticed my table was ajar and one of the chairs was MIA. I said, someone stole my fucking chair?! can you believe that? I'm a dead woman. I am so grossed out and skeeved by that, I can't even tell you. I'm going to knock on his fucking door and if my chair is there, I'm stealing it back, so there! new topic I'm almost certain two eggs dropped this menses because I'm bleeding like it's going out of style. If I knew it was donat...

you have got to see wine cone's impressions. you're going to want to click away, but you can't. this video is so vile it's hilar squared. he's a big queen-ish, hot, and doesn't stop talking for five fucking minutes.

I've been catching up on my zealot christian reading of late, a super passion of mine as we all well know and I've noticed that when women talk about themselves, it feels like they're describing a used, yet reliable tractor. for some reason, this is of great concern to me. not because women have to be shiny and blingy like a new john deere. on the contrary. I've never read a zcw (zealot christian woman's) blog expounding about her beauty, comfort with herelf, passion or sensuality. it's more like, well, a used yet reliable tractor. common words used to describe themselves are, submissive, hard working, modest, organized, thorough, systematic, practical and sensible. this is all well and good, but why not fly in a teaspoon of passion or a twist of oomph?! is that un-godly? new topic . I'm menstruating! I got my menses yesterday afternoon riback and romius . wait, did I post about my menses last month? I hope I didn't forget. could I really have been th...

Baby boomer Clinton goes to bat for TV Land By Paul J. Gough March 26, 2007 "As you know, my wife is away, so I'm home alone a lot," Clinton said of Sen. Hillary Clinton, who is running for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2008. "I'm particularly grateful to TV Land for giving me something to do at night." ok, that's a joke, right? the part about being home alone a lot and not having anything else to do but watch tv land. there isn't a heterosexual liberal lolita out there who doesn't want to suck or fuck bill's bat. I'm probably the only fat jew dame in the free fuckin world who hasn't been granted the privilege of being his oral service provider. what am I? chopped livah! I will SO dress up as lucy and he can play hoss and we can fuck on dirt. or, I can suck him while he rides in on his big boy horse.

jessica simpson must give other wordly head. like I'm talking the ability to suck a bagel through an asian man's cock. otherwise how does this a union make?

jessica simpson donated a free minivan to an orphanage in mexico . "I'm so honored and happy to be able to help," said Simpson, who hugged Mama Lupita and the throng of kids who had waited anxiously to see her and presented her with gifts, including an engraved plaque with a photo of the kids and a beaded necklace they'd made for her. A spokesperson for Chrysler confirmed: "Instead of the Chrysler Crossfire, she decided to get a minivan for the orphanage instead. She went for the Chrysler Town & Country." what does she do for an encore, deliver the used toilet paper from her ass? if you're going to give a shitty a gift, go the distance and give a shitty gift.

my new friend sheel, e-stalked me and turned me onto some fabulous blogs and such. she's quite an irreverent bird. we need to hock her to write a fucking blog... she does guest blog on jesus general . she's going to be sending some groovy beaver satire links, too. can't wait! remember my dove post ? well, one news now posted their great disdain for dove's ad and how offensive it is. check it out courtesy of sheelicious. sheel, check out politits . ya'll love ha. she's a jew broad who spins many a satirical yarn. ps: she sent me this fab fucking link to modest swimwear for the zealot set.

this is so wrong on every single level, I can't even begin to tell you. so lilly had a moment, please, like it warranted THAT abuse. someone has too much money and too much time. we won't say who.

Frederick Von Anhalt, Howard Stern and Larry Birkhead have all claimed to be the fathers of one severely rich infant. whatever. I've decided that I want in. so, I'm a chick... with a vagina... a few ovaries and a womb. who says I can't be the father?! so she lubes her face a little. grease face could be all the rage in my clit-to-cock-make-me-rich fantasy. anything is possible! why the fuck hasn't anyone come forward claiming that the fruit of anna's loins is actually jfk's kid?! hello, frozen sperm... marlyn-monroe?!?! you feel me?

sprawling ramshackle has posted a fuck off FABULOUS post about, oh my fucking god, christian clowns ! are you plotzing??? this post is HILAR SQUARED. here's a snippet, but you must click through for greatness right fucking now. I peed... a little. A few weeks ago I put up a clown training video , and it opened a door for me into a world I knew nothing about: the world of Christian Clowning. and There are websites devoted to Christian Clowning Resources ; there are websites for individual performers like Kingdom Karactors (if clowns aren't your thing, they also make and sell puppets !) I needed this, bubs . thank you a million!

awww, this poor little fagellah weatherman had his pants scared off by a COCKroach. seems odd that anything with COCK in it could be so terrifying, no?

empowering women or demoralizing them ? this ad was banned. R E A D Beauty comes of age, Meet the new Dove girls -- six over-50 women wearing nothing but a smile by ANN MARIE MCQUEEN I think it's empowering and sexy as hell. a few of you know what inspired this post ...

sweet meat's incendiary work has got some serious coverage. check it out. very, VERY COOL stuff. any proponent of freedom of speech, civil rights and the pursuit of true equality will absolutely love this man's work. the goddess that is karen finley read an essay she wrote about john sims work . it is so fucking amazing, you will burst at the seams! watch it on the tube of you asap. simalicious also rewrote the gettysburg address . it's a must stream! run. view. now. read an article about js in the ny times . watch cnn 's coverage of his latest installation causing all kinds of controversy. a confederate bondage flag? please, kid's got some serious moxie. loop yourself on all things john sims, hit his website, john sims projects . ps: do not forget amy guth's reading at the book cellar in chicago tomorrow night! drag your big jew or non-jew tuchas now!

get your copy of three fallen women signed by the talented, inspiring and fabulous author, amy guth . schlep that tuchas to chicago: March 21st: The Book Cellar 7pm (with Elaine Soloway and Rick Karlin) 4736-38 N. Lincoln Ave. Chicago, IL watch and listen to three amazing authors read from their wonderful novels. oh, and, hello, get your books signed!!! if you haven't read elaine soloway's , the division street princess , read it! this broad is quite a dame. you will love her work! rick karlin is tits to the tenth power. check out his dishy read, show biz kids: growing up in hollywood's golden age .

if you don't want to fuck john sims , you have issues. he's an insanely talented, controversial artist , ethnomathmatician , activist and he's painfully easy on the eyes. ok, so he's likely prone to fits of over-the-top-preachy-intensity and coffee-klatch worthy chattiness. nothing sitting on his face wouldn't cure. ANYWHO... I do have a point to this post about the aforementioned fuck daddy of doom. one of his installations, "The Proper Way to Hang a Confederate Flag" (seen below) at the Mary Brogan Museum of Art and Science has caused such agida, the king of censorship himself, commander of the local Sons of Confederate Veterans chapter is trying to get it removed, calling the display of Sims' work "offensive, objectionable and tasteless." he also called Sims an "irrelevant individual" with no artistic talent . There are some people who have great talent, and they rely on that talent to be successful. There are others who do...

she posted a scrapbooking journal entry of the whole cauble fucking clan. there are tons of entries, kiddies. ya-fuckin-hoo! I posted my fave. check it out, bitches ... love, your resident, hedonistic heeb

I am heartbroken... I did not make lisa whelchel's favorite blogs list . fuck. fuck. mother fuck. that fucking sucks. gaaahd. what the fuck do I have to do to get in this bitch's good graces. for the love of jesus mary and josephina.

Simpson recently announced that she hopes to release a book of her photos - " mostly of landscapes, of the sky, clouds" - accompanied by journal entries related to the shots . "I know exactly what I was going through when I was taking the picture, and I write it down as I take the picture, so it will be that kind of book ." a picture book with captions of her inner-most thoughts. wow... that jessica is so deep. dear inner-most thought; this is a picture of a landscape that I took all by myself in color. oops. I forgot to put film in the camera. oh, wait, duh, it's digital. right? ashlee, is this digital? um. I don't know. ask dad. ok. dad, is this digital? what, jess, the camera or the phone? oooh. now, I'm really confused. anyway, reader of my inner-most thought picture book, this is an "image" of a land scape taken by me, jessica simpson.

I've been thinking about pick-up lines today. I'd love to go up to a man at a bar and say, know where I can find an std as fine as you ? I'd also like to say to a gardener, I'm looking for a mild vaginal infection, what can I plant in my canal to grow one ? I said a had a pulse, not that I was right in the head.

just in case anyone was wondering, I haven't peeled. I don't even have one foot on the peel. it's been a hell of a mother fuckin' cock suckin' week. will post later. don't break up with me. ps: your comments rock. talk about making a girl's day. who's a grateful bitch? f ehatty, tittiestum, me. xoxoxoxoxox

I've noticed a serious no joke lip movement (no pun intended) amongst the thirty something set in the greater los angeles area. I'm a crotch watcher due to my lip phobia . I've unknowingly awakened the fear in the women in my family, too. so much so, my mother told me that while shopping for pants the other day, she asked the sales dame if she had lips. she was shocked. the retail gal, I mean. my mother was the first to ask that question. odd, no? my sister doesn't buy a new pair of pants without asking, am I lippy mess, before purchasing said trousers or jeans. somebody please tell me why broads are bringing back lips? is it a phobia of men not knowing what a split pookie looks like? does it get you more dates? it's very uncomfortable! it's like putting your vadge in a sausage casing.

I'd inhale an extra large cheese pizza with a macaroni and cheese back. followed by spinach dip with fresh-hot-sourdough-fuck-me-harder bread. for desert, I'd gorge myself on three strawberry ice cream bars covered in milk chocolate. but, I won't be eating that now will I?! no, I won't. I'm bigger than the craving (literally and figuratively). if I want to keep looking like fattiestum and her twin sister esmerelda jean, I can eat until springer hoists a crane through my roof and forklifts me out. fuck. fuck. mother fuck.

who keeps breaking up with me? come on, spill it! one of you bitches keeps adding my blog and deleting me like a dawg. I don't have feelings? I'm chopped livah? is that what you think? it doesn't hurt to be point-blank-chopped?! oh, I assure you, it burns-a-plenty. spill it NOW. I'm waiting. foot's tapping... arms are folded. so, I'm cliche. deal.

I'm going to knit. I can't keep clock stalking. 10:18. 10:19. geez fuckin louise. midnight. come on, baby. hit me! come to mama. strike it, baby, strike it.

it's comforting to know that miracles can be found in detergent, isn't it?

Dylan a False 'Prophet,' Says Pope Benedict : Current Pope Did Not Want John Paul to See Singer in 1997 VATICAN CITY (March 8) - Pope Benedict was opposed to Bob Dylan appearing at a youth event with the late Pope John Paul in 1997 because he considered the pop star the wrong kind of "prophet," Benedict writes in a new book issued on Thursday . ok turncoat. you're really the authority on prophets. you couldn't suck your way out of a who's who of prophets debate, pope daddy of doom. the only prophets you know of are the ones in your head, post orgasm whilst little altar boys flee from the confines of your skirt. I'm sorry, but that just pisses me off. dylan is a prophet. gloria steinam is a prophet. gore vidal, neil simon, joni mitchell, whoopi goldberg, maya angelou, charles bukowski, all prophets. I could go on for days, weeks, months. but, I won't bore you. maybe they're not prophets of a religious nature, but they are very much prophets . l...

do you know the song have a little faith in me by the goddess that is chaka khan?! great tune. download it from itunes. I gotta stay up until midnight. I think we all agree that masturbation is a risk. either it puts a girl right out or keeps her up. while it's true that the monkey toting tard is a hot fantasy, I lost my meat for the week in the move. not sure where it is. it has new batteries and it was as clean as a whistle, so hopefully some horny homeless bird or man muffin found it and is bouncing through the alleys. the hallway hussies are back on stoop patrol. apparently they've decided to call their smoking / dish sessions, lessons. shall we venture a guess? they don't curse or discuss sex. I know this because I ran into them one afternoon while one of the hh's was in the middle of spinning her blind date yarn. when she said he was self absorbed. I said, you know you're date really sucks ass when your vibrator is seemingly more articulate and engaging, rig...

here's a lil' something to consider, when someone says, I can't breathe. I am nauseous. I can't breathe. I really can't breathe anymore. I have to go right now. I can't do this. let me go. I just want to breathe . you should definitely STOP TALKING because a panic/anxiety attack is on the horizon. just one of life's little side notes. on an up note, a single chap, bit rough on the eyes, rolled up on a sweet ass vintage harley and paused to flirt with tittiestum . his bike was fabulous. I thought he was high until I saw the stuffed, hawaiian themed monkey on his back (that ain't a fuckin' metaphor, joke or innuendo). turns out that lil monkey is his faithful companion. as luck would have it, he was retarded. special. touched. short bus.

oh, praise be the lord, lisa whelchel has a new book coming out called the busy teacher's guide to prayer . you must read this: " Off the top of my head, not being a teacher or having any idea what a teacher needs prayer for, these are the six categories and examples of prayer focuses I’ve come up with so far ." leewee, the jeewee authority is writing a book about prayer for teachers, but has no idea what to say. let's recap, leewee the jeewee authority is writing a book about prayer for teachers and has no idea what to say. Teacher (eg; Patience, Wisdom, Creativity…) Students (eg; Desire to Learn, Focus, Confidence, etc…) School (eg; School Board, Finances, Safety, etc…) Faculty (eg; Fellow Teachers, Principal, Teacher Aids, etc…) Department of Education (Funding, Textbooks, Laws, etc…) Other Learning Opportunities (Homeschoolers, Private Schools, Field Trips, etc…) funding, textbooks and laws are my favorite topics. why I can't wait to see what leepee has...

fartkisaf : friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays sundays? 1. juice went and injured his freakin' back again, which means orthoville tomorrow. he was doing so well, too. did I mention I'm completely freaked out? utterly. hate this. I'm keeping him very high and very relaxed until tomorrow at 6am. ugh. 2. tomorrow begins hell for 30-days (what a negative cunsteenowitz I'm being, geez louise). removal of iodine, sugar, sugar substitutes, soy and gluten from my diet. expect a raging snatch on wheels. though, I suspect that will be short lived because this change should make me feel fabulous. did I mention I'm a vegetarian. severely. oy. 3. one of my neighbors is having sex with a much older man. to each her own. still, when you hear " daddy" repeatedly during foreplay and fucking, it just puts a girl right off. last night I was so irritated that I had to dig up and blast barry white's secret garden . once the song be...

keywords all the way from oy to vey is coming up on is far too funny not to share. secret coco camel toe menses alcoholism cunt Katie Schwartz kate schwartz national save our boobies foundation high maintenance bitch coco cameltoe "katie schwartz" "Katie Schwartz" Tylan powder canines anna nicole smith"daniel fathered expose your breast gay archie comic fcc rules prohibit hypnosis beth tfiloh dahan radio broadcast Is coco submissive with Ice-T Cruising for Jesus pussy floss helen cuthbert jockey zealotina "wears nylons" russia

that cunt-bitch-wretched-whore-bag of a sub-human being, anne cunt coulter called edwards a faggot during a political debate. she is so disgusting. " I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards ." " It's not the first time Coulter has used anti-gay slurs as a form of insult. Last July she called Al Gore "a total fag ."

I can't sleep. I tried. I hit the pillow and laid there. nothing. sometimes I hit it and I pass out with the same gusto as an anal train pullin' dame. not tonight though. I am consumed with worry. hate that. let's get random, shall we? maybe it will put me to sleep. anna nicole's funeral. pink rhinestone casket pashmina. that's a little under-whelming, isn't it? I was hoping for something much more dramatic. britney spears. on the lam from her overly pampered malibu "rehab" so she can pop by a friend's house for... clothing? does one think about jhushing while detox'ng? if so, I wonder if this joint is truly a sober centric destination or a glorified R&R for the-too-much-money-and-too-much-time, hot mess set . maybe she met a new white trash piece of ass that she wants to gussy up for. way to stay focused on your recovery, twitney. well, peeps, I'm off to make myself horizontal again to see what happens. sweet dreams...

I called t-warn and asked the drunkard. yeah, DRUNKARD , why two accounts were showing up under my name. in the stoniest of stonery voices, he said, shit , I don't know. you don't want to pay for their cable ? hearty pot chuckle. hearty pot chuckle. hearty pot chuckle. no, I don't want to pay for their cable, shmeggeggie. put the pipe down and FOCUS, PLEASE. you are to turn off #11 and make sure that #2 STAYS ON. got it ?! bitch laughed. he couldn't stay sober for his shift? oh, who the fuck am I kidding, if I had to do customer service, could I take it fat free? hell no. french fry bender here I come!

I think one of my friendish's broke up with me today. I'm a blue jew. did I mention the guilt? oy, don't ask.

I can hear my neighbor's messages because she has a circa 1990's answering machine. it's so funny. though, I feel badly because she gets a lot of spam calls. no mens. and, I know she's cock hunting because she told me. her man broke up with her and decided to roll with a bi-girl and relo to the mountains. she's super pissed.