Katie Schwartz

I shoulda been a lesbian. I would've been a fabulous harley-riding-femish-type-lesbian. I have a family who would've dragged me out of the closet knowing I was born to dine at the Y long before I would've known. my friends would've loved me just the same. I would've been one seriously lucky dyke. I love women. I think we're amazing. I am in love with all of my girlfriends and tell them constantly. I experience more girl crushes in a week than most men have in a lifetime. I can hock with a beav for hours about nothing and everything. politics and pussy. literature and life. intellectual and emotional dish sessions (not creepy emotional, a la: white linen wearing freaks, sitting on the beach while the ocean water teases our intertwined legs). but, the real stuff. the grit. it's not that I don't share the same depth or intensity with my boyfriends, male friends or my gay male friends. I do. but, women have a history that bonds us. deeply. women who love wo...

what's this issue of girlistic all about, feminism & technology . run. download. read. bitch dishes her latest album. paula lerner follows aghan birds. emily brant starts a media revolution. starvation.com spins a myspace yarn about eating disorders . technology and choice . sex advice from that fucking feminist ++ the second installation of my vagina and me, my next ex . oh, and so much more. run. read . download. or, run. read .

it's true! I've noticed a big lack of cunt in my blog of late and just wanted to breathe life back into the blessed CUNT . cunt. cunt. cunt. cunt. cunt fit. cunt rage. cuntity cunt cunt cunt.

SEATTLE (Feb. 22) - A newly opened store catering to very pampered dogs, especially female dogs, is getting more than questioning looks for its name, High Maintenance Bitch . am I the only one who thinks this is hysterical? is this a p.c. thing?

as it turns out, there really isn’t one. an upside, I mean. I understand and relate to the denial. in fact, I enjoy extended vacations there myself so who am I to judge. I can appreciate the lying to oneself. not to others, and yet to some degree, I can. the deception part I have difficulty with. I’m not deceptive. I can’t seem to relate to the blackout part either. though I can appreciate the perks. still, I can’t imagine eating my way out of a memory. I suppose it could be liberating. ps: random enough fah ya?

today while driving along robertson , my sister and I saw the hottest hassid we'd ever seen in our lives. strapping. 30-something in a schneerson , black zoot suit coat, but religious proper, a tallis , peyos and true religion jeans, and I swear to god, our legs just gravitated open. confession time: I date everything under the sun. but, I think hassidic men in groups are so sexy, I can't stand it. it's the only time the pull-a-train fantasy would surface. this particular heeblette , well he just sent us both de -ranged. my vulva lips were twitching faster than a summer cricket, news?!?! couture hassid .

fartkisaf : friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays. 1. I won't receive the two calls I'm expecting. 2. my neighbors can hear me sneeze in the mornings and hock me about closing my windows. hello, get a grip. ever heard of allergies? what about earplugs? are you new? this whole, must be silent to sleep , attitude really fuckin' pisses me off. if you're going to reside in a wannabe metropolis or real one, you have got to cope with sound. right? right! 3. endo boy next week. so not in the mood to get felt up and have blood drawn. 4. waiting on louie's blood work results. ok, we are mirroring each other a little too much. what does that say about me? yes, I know I'm a freak. I'm looking for something else. 5. my ocd about twist ties will continue.

I got an email this week from the writer of sand gets in my eyes . she wrote an article about virginity soap . you have got to read this! the author is an american living in saudi arabia. read her yarns. she's an interesting dame. virginity soap is no joke, yo. it's a thriving enterprise. in many cultures, the blessed v is the only value a woman brings to her marriage and to her man. what I don't understand is why these cultures don't just roll out with clit-ectomies and g-ectomies. if she enjoys it, she's got to be a ho, you know?! it's all very sad and tragic really. vadgeys come in all different shapes and sizes, some are grand canyon sized, equipped for echoes and all, while others are as tight as coin slots. it also made me wonder if virginity soap is no different from kegel exercises or ben wa balls. the packaging and language is different but isn't the message the same? she actually received letters from women condemning her post and advocating virgin...

this week I've been obsessing about twist ties . I've been wondering who sets out to become a twist tie-er. sure, it's a super factory-norma-rae-blue collar gig. but, don't you wonder if they have big twist tie pride? I do! I hope so. everything we buy with a plug or a cord is twist tied. there are trade schools for twist ties, forums , articles , recruiters and an organization for dames , women in packaging . ok, packaging, but you can find sections dedicated to the art of the twist tie and the broads behind em'. twist ties are big business, yo. I'm thoroughly fascinated by it.

remember that hate mail post a few weeks back from vd ? she emailed me again. h ere's what she said: Unfortunately I have been out of town. I do understand what anti-Semitism is and people like you are the cause of it. Hate definitely breeds hate and from the looks of your blog you are one of the most hateful people I have come across in a long time. If you demean a religious figure such as Christ, you are striking out at all Christians, not just evangelicals. she couldn't just call me fat? I forwarded her email to a few friends and to my parents. they were quite perplexed. you see, I've never been called hateful in my life. wait. could she be confusing me with the white power xanga blog ring ?! DUMB ASS . I'm demeaning christ?! please... I got nothin' but respect for his philosophies and teachings. if anyone is demeaning him, it's the religious reich, abusing his good name and misinterpreting the foundation of what he stood for to suit your own damn purposes: ...

I love the song home to me , josh kelly . you have to download it at itunes. go for it, barbie! get your vadge on.

I'm not the power slut I once was. it's far more interesting to be slutty and whoreish with one man that you're crazy about. yes, it's true, I compartmentalize men. datebles are fiercely intelligent, make me laugh my ass off and floss. I don't have a physical type in that realm. meat for the week, well, keep reading... when you're a single broad, you get hungry and you want a snack from time to time (meat for the week). I do so enjoy a hearty blue collar meal in workman's boots with calloused hands and thick forearms. a sweaty brow pretty much puts me over the edge. ps: don't you go thinking I'm some tool belt chasing tessie now, cause I ain't. my cable boy was definitely nosh worthy. the problem, he could not shut his fuckin' pie hole for five fuckin' minutes. he wasn't the sharpest sweetener in the bin, so he laughed at everything. his timing wasn't even off, it was just wildly inappropriate, which would've been turn off eno...

Shalom beautiful babies, I’ve surpassed exhausted only to graduate into the likes of a 90s wannabe-SUV Subaru with a burgundy exterior and a beige cloth interior with that look-at-me-bitches bumper-to-bumper taupe trim piping. I am so ready to be horizontal, I can’t even tell you. I’ve slept maybe 10 hours total since Saturday. insomnia— moving— day yob… writing? I wish. I need more time to write. Argh. I’ve been experiencing an outpouring of words. love that, it’s very channeling via fingertips. I am craving more writing time, so you bet your sweet fat/thin/chuvvy ass I’ll make it! The move was great. new digs are fabulous. Will post pre-chach photos and post-chach photos once I figger out how to use my sister’s digi. I only shoot on a vinty 35MM. photography is the only area of my life I won’t go high tech. super dinosaur. Super stupid, I know. one casualty, a 50 cent vinty pink serving dish not worth anything more than I paid for it, but I loved it. I got the strangest email from a...

there's diarrhea and then there's louierhea . I'm a slave to jewcifer's ass at the minute, which isn't ideal for schlepping and packing, lemme tell ya. poor kid. his ass is on fuego. he's graduated to the most odoriferous and colorful explosions. he's jacked up on tylan powder, a fabulous organic ass-antibiotic. let's hope it kicks in sooner than later.

yo, look what I found, a valentines candy heart maker , by way of crionaberry , by way of jkeith . look what I found! that is sooo sandbox 10.

HAPPY VALENTINES FROM COCO'S CAMEL TOE!!! love, me

shalom beautiful babies. I am moving on saturday. packing. schlepping. hocking. working. oy. in need of a blog fix. miss reading my blog-buds. expect me on sunday. missing . loving . needing . wanting . goodbye, please- schwartzy

my god, I am SERIOUSLY MENSTRUATING . I'm talkin' no joke bleeding, yo. it is a war zone betwixt heeblette's thighs. I sent in an army of pads and plugs. drugs for crampage and still no reprieve. oy vey.

Dear LeeWee, I know you don't know me personally, but I'm Katie's BFF. She TOTALLY lets me read all the letters she sends to you, and I dry her tears when you ignore her in return. Why are you so hard on her, LeeWee? She tries so hard to be your friend and you just turn a blind eye again and again. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO, LEEWEE? Ever ask yourself that? leewee, the only reason I have the strength to write to you now and maintain my blog is because of cp 's boundless generosity. I have gone through every virtual box of his kleenex. he has and continues to dry every single cyber tear of rejection. we are also very concerned about how anti-christian you're being. if jesus can throw a bone to a whoa, don't you think you can give a shout out to a jew? the man himself was a heeblette. that's something to get your prayer on about. But I didn't mean to run on & on about Katie, fabulous as she is. (I heard she used to do herself up in the Blairsey hairstyle. So ...

fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays sunday this week because she's a forgetful bitch. 1. I know I'm just moving downstairs, but I have a lot to pack, organize and throw away. will I get it done in time? that's a rhetorical question. 2. a mixed bag of emotions. it's good, and peppered with that perfect dose of fear and neurosis we've all come to expect from sowlicious. 3. menses has begun as of 1PM today. all of my black pants are in the laundry or dry cleaners. I worry about leakage. it's a heavy flow this month. mind you, I'm grateful the egg's rollin'. that's it for now. I'm trying to exercise restraint. you think it's easy? oy.

as bff cp noted, and with cupcakes, a big katie fave, it is one of our beloved and prolific blog buddies birthday today. schlep over to passion of the dale and wish our beloved bitch a happy birthday . love, bitch

I just happened upon some barbie photos the other day that I had to post because I'm a freak. fear not, she's not making a comeback on vey .

yesterday I got an email response from someone I emailed TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO . I didn't respond. not sure what to say. this morning, I got another email from him. again, not sure what to say. see, here's the thing, not only do I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, he thinks I'm someone else. I read the original correspondence. he included it in his e-stalk, so I find myself wondering how it is that he thinks I'm someone else. I find this all deliciously amusing. you don't?

my creepy neighbor is just flaunting his creepiness now. he's escalated from a fat chick pantie sniffing nut bag to a full on meat fetishist. I feel like he preys on fat women with no self-esteem so he can convince them to eat beef jerky while riding his flesh bat. lemme tell ya something, these ain't overly dramatic, inaccurate assessments. here's the scoop: juice and I were schlepping down the stairs and out pops creepy from his nest, toting a garbage bag. expressing far too much enthusiasm he says , so, you ready for the big move ? yeah . he glances at louie and says , he can finally go into retirement . how offensive. I'm not one of those, confront death head on, broads. retirement = death in my twisted irrational mind. my parents are not allowed to retire or age. whatever. don't judge. so, I said, he's hardly retiring. he runs. he plays. he swims. he has a full life, he just can't go up the stairs . myob, dumb ass . he throws out his trash. I throw lo...

I got my first piece of hate mail today from a broad we will call vd . here is what she said: You are one truly sad excuse for a human being. You can't be pro Jewish without being anti-Christian? I never really understood anti-Semitism until I ran into your blog. my response was: I am not anti-Christian at all. on the contrary. I’m anti-fundamentalism and anti-evangelical Christianity. They impose their agenda on “we the people”. Taking governmental action to further their religious agenda in this country is a travesty of our democracy and it is unacceptable. By the way, anti-Semitism is discrimination or prejudice against Jews, not Christians. You can look it up right here at Dictionary.com . after reading said hate mail, my dear crionaberry said that what vd was saying is that now she hates jews. if that is so, I completely missed it. or I didn't want to see it. the very idea that I might've contributed to or created a jew hater isn't something so easy to digest. in ...

you too can take college courses in cleaning toilets and learn the fine art of toilet hygiene from inside out. whether it's a quarterly class or a semester class, isn't that too much time? how much toilet cleaning ground can you possibly cover? I wonder if you can easily adapt it to other cleaning art forms. way to give hungry minds something to aspire to! that's the spirit. what's your kid studying? ass. proctology! ambitious. no. hydro-toyology. my favorite excerpts from the malaysia weighs college bathroom courses article are: is meant to help Malaysia's public lavatories become as hygienic as those in countries such as Britain and Singapore, Deputy Housing and Local Government Minister Robert Lau was quoted as saying by Bernama news agency. "Clean toilets cannot merely be judged by the eyes," Lau was quoted as saying. "This matter also involves the use of cleaning equipment, soap, fragrances and proper tissues." Malaysia's government rec...

I am a serious archie comic book collecting whoreena. I have 2,000, dating all the way back to the beginning. you wouldn't think that about me, wouldjya? it's time we part ways and have closure, so who wants to buy my collection? do people read archies anymore? or have I just outed myself as a total fucking loser?! ps: if I did, go me :)

not that anyone gives a shit what I think, but I do wonder if anna was whacked by the husband for the inheritance. isn't it all just too convenient and coincidental? oh, I do so love a good conspiracy theory, especially if it's dripping in overly dramatic possibilities. still, it's a sad thing this broad peeled. regardless of what you think of her, she had a hard life and now she's dead. or as the krazy kristians ( cp-ism ) say, she's home with her maker. side note... is that where homemaker comes from?

I got that joint downstairs I was hockin' about last week. I'll post pictures. eh, who cahes. I'm glad I'm making the move. jewcifer will be thrilled not having to schlep up the stairs. plus, it's a great place. bigger. no rent increase. no move in costs. no new lease. everything is status-quo. I sent my slumlord thank you cookies. I really did appreciate it. it was a very menschy thing they did. it's also the perfect joint to sublet for six-month adventures back east. who's a happy jew? huh?

you know you have a problem with food when you wantonly open a cake box containing a mere sliver from the previous night. as you glance in lovingly, you greet the cake by saying, hi, sweet thing, how are you ? how's it going ? I missed you . thought a lot about you last night. did you think about me? you penetrate the sliver of cake with your fork. feeling every layer plunging through. first the frosting. the cake. the filling. and more cake... mmmm. yeah. talk to me, baby . you raise the fork to your welcoming mouth and engulf every morsel and finish it off with a final suck, so the frosting-filling-cake ratio is evenly dispersed. I digress... food-is-not-NOT-a-lifestyle. but, apparently addiction is. go figure.

as far as neighbor tales go, let's face it, I'm riddled with em'. today, I got a note on my door from my neighbor that said, if you and louie need help moving some stuff downstairs, feel free to knock. menschy, right? really nice, thoughtful and kind. so, why did I get the creeps? how snatchy of me. here is a human being expressing kindness and goodwill towards womankind. what the fuck is wrong with me that I could even think for a second, ok, creepy, thanks, but no thanks. then I realized why I thought that. yes. he's very nice to my dog whenever we run into him in the hallway. yes, we've exchanged pleasantries. you know how you do. no, we've never had a discussion. how did he know I was moving? is he a tenant tracker? a chubby chaser? does he sniff fat chick panties? is he trying to fuck my dog? steal my dog? is he paying a fat girl karmic debt? is he trying to boost my credit card for itunes? what is the deal? why the sudden interest in helping sowlicious mov...

Minister Called 'Completely Heterosexual' Peer Group Recommends Ted Haggard Move Out of Town AP DENVER (Feb. 6) - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual." well, I'll be dipped in shit. praise be. he's recovered from cock suckage and pineage. I wonder, maybe I should do this, too. I have such a hankering for dick. the change could do me good. Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. ok, let me get this straight. if I am recalling the original yarn, hags requested a massage and didn't realize the person giving him the massage was gay. he was also holding crystal meth for him, too. but had no intention of taking it (of course), and this non-gay, gay encounter was an isolated gay incident? WOW. I am loving the depths of this sp...

which one of you bitches removed my link!?!??!?! I know how to log onto technorati. you didn't think I'd find out? why did you break up with me? I always reciprocate. I'm not selfish. I read your blogs AND link to you! and, you stealthily break up with me? no forewarning. no advance notice. nothing. just CHOPPED like a piece a bad meat. gaaaaaaaaaaaaahd... tsk. tsk. tsk.

so, niki hilton ? paris hilton isn't a fan of shvartsas or fagellahs and admits it, proudly it seems. it's not enough that she's a debutante and an heiress? maybe she's just trying it on for size. or, maybe racism is the new black? it sure seems to be the "it" thing to do. my favorite part of the video is when she calls girls like me, poor bitches who go to public school. that paris hilton is such a nice person and so respectful! her parents raised her right! they must be so proud right now. gay leaders urge paris to apologize . that's not enough. she should give money to aids research, lots and lots and lots of it and oodles to organizations that help gay teens forced to leave home because of their intolerant parents. how's that for starters! where is jesse jackson? she should give more money than she can spend in her lifetime to inner city schools and after school programs.take it like a man, p-hilt. here's the dish: HOLLYWOOD - Gay rights lead...

the girlistic magazine spring edition is almost here. on march 1st, it will be available for downloading in pdfsky. The March 2007 issue is themed on Feminism and Technology . Find interesting articles on an array of topics relating to the theme, reviews of books like She's Such A Geek and Baghdad Burning II, interviews with amazing women including Paula Lerner, the latest in music and film, and Girlistic usuals like Brief Herstory Of..., The Omnipresent Feminist, My Vagina and Me, the Feminist Fun Page and so much more! ps: the second installation of my vagina and me: my next ex, will be featured in girlistic. pss: if you missed my vagina and me: seeing eye to v and you're bored out of your skull and feel like wasting 5 minutes, click your ass on over to the essay. if you want to read kick ass articles and reviews, and support a fantastic feminist rag, click your ass on through to the winter edition of girlistic magazine now. right now. ppss: listening to georgia on my mind--...

between my schedule this past weekend and my focus on zealotinagate , I neglected to post friday's fears. I'm a whore. fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays mondays. 1. I can't move into the downstairs apartment soon enough. watching louie brave the stairs is killing me. 2. halitosis. I floss twice a day, but I'm thinking of ramping it up to three times because I'm super phobic of hally. 3. another pop diva will remake mccarthur park and it will be an overly played, pop-tart topping phenomenom. 4. no good news this week.

hmm... something to ponder. yes, the democrats have control of congress, but is freedom of speech safe? check this out. WASHINGTON -- Senate Democrats on Thursday pressured the five FCC commissioners to set programming requirements for broadcasters as part of the industry's mandate to operate in the public interest. In the FCC's first appearance before the Senate Commerce Committee since the Democrats took control of Congress, the lawmakers weren't shy about voicing their objections to what appears on TV. Sen. John Rockefeller, D-W.Va., called television a menu filled with "junk, sex and scandals." Rockefeller and other Democrats -- most notably Sens. Byron Dorgan of North Dakota and Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey -- complained that the FCC was abdicating its obligation to police the airwaves." I think TV is in the worst state it's ever been in," Rockefeller said. "I'm convinced the FCC has abandoned its core responsibility." fcc hears ...

bubs of ramshackle compound , another favorite blogger of mine, has posted the funniest article about porn and pancakes . his commentary is hysterical and smart. the topic itself is worth the read.

I've been doing so much thinking since zealotina sleuthed me out and posted on my blog. her pseudonym of choice was anonymous . mine was, gratielady . like, grating on your nerves. I've posted comments on christian blogs maybe two or three times. why didn't I exercise restraint? because I felt compelled to comment? I know better. Each time I have, it’s been under a pseudonym to maintain my anonymity and avoid this very confrontation. I write about things that are uncomfortable and insight reactions. I do hope to shift perspective and open people's minds, no doubt about it. (update) and, when I'm confronted, I meet those confrontations head-on. but, this blog, this particular confrontation, it’s going to start a war of words. the below is only going to fall on deaf ears, and sadly, no change will occur from this exchange, so I ask myself, what good will come from this and hope that someone proves me wrong. I also don’t want to exercise intolerance. That’s not me. b...

I got some kick ass, wicked responses to this post, including some scathing remarks from someone representing zealotina perhaps. ya gotta love the broad's moxie! I have NOT removed the post. I have re-saved it as a draft so that I can properly respond this weekend. she actually made some very ponder-able points. mind you 90% of them infuritated me as I obviously did the same. still... more to come.

I'm still famished about this. (two weeks late, but not a dollah short). leave it to fucks news to report it as: no buyers for dakota fanning rape movie . here's a real article about it on the hollywood reporter blog. Catholic League Attacks Sundance Fanning Rape Film Hounddog . this movie should have distribution. it's an important film. lots of hot sapphic sex. KIDDING. gahd. it's extremely uncomfortable subject matter. levity never killed anyone. it's a coping mechanism, donchya know. thousands of children are being raped and molested in this country every day. if this movie invokes change or gives one kid the courage to speak up, isn't it worth it? ya betchya sweet ass it is.