Saturday, February 10, 2007

creepy preening

my creepy neighbor is just flaunting his creepiness now. he's escalated from a fat chick pantie sniffing nut bag to a full on meat fetishist. I feel like he preys on fat women with no self-esteem so he can convince them to eat beef jerky while riding his flesh bat.

lemme tell ya something, these ain't overly dramatic, inaccurate assessments. here's the scoop: juice and I were schlepping down the stairs and out pops creepy from his nest, toting a garbage bag.

expressing far too much enthusiasm he says, so, you ready for the big move? yeah. he glances at louie and says, he can finally go into retirement. how offensive. I'm not one of those, confront death head on, broads. retirement = death in my twisted irrational mind. my parents are not allowed to retire or age. whatever. don't judge.

so, I said, he's hardly retiring. he runs. he plays. he swims. he has a full life, he just can't go up the stairs. myob, dumb ass.

he throws out his trash. I throw louie in the car. I see him chatting up another neighbor girl. she says to him, how's THE BUSINESS coming along? briskly walking past her, he muffles, great. just great.

you know that's code. it was way too permissible voyeur. like, she photographs him putzing around from her apartment across the alley so they can re-group and mutually masturbate to the 8x11's strewn across his ikea plywood coffee table.

I ran into my buidink to chat up rubes, the fab apt mgr working on my new digs. I poke around. grab the keys and kibbitz a minute. you know how you do. as I'm heading out, CREEPY IS RIGHT THERE. I'm in the other wing. wtf?! ps: NOW he's schlepping to creep?! he wanted to know how the new digs were coming along. so he asks, can I check it out? I nodded yes on the outside, but on the inside, I was itching and burning like a yeast infection to check him for bugs.



Coaster Punchman said...

Hmmmm, what was the email asking you about? I think it would be really funny to respond to him and give him all sorts of bogus non-sensical answers to his questions. Or, if he asked for times, dates, and locations, send him on a goose chase.

What a freak.

Anonymous said...

Creepy. And I don't mean the newly-self-hating jewish blogger with the lost souls.

I cringe at this kind of forced social contact. That's why I stay inside torturing The Honey and The Spawn as much as possible.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"he glances at louie and says, he can finally go into retirement.

Foul vermin, the Dog of Action does not retire! He is perpetual! He will not lounge on the day bed until the Earth is safe and evil is defeated!

Katie, I'd tell you to sic Louie on this guy, but Louie might catch something.

Romius T. said...

He seems nice in the way that he will know what kind of chianti to drink with your brains. get the hell away from him!!! oh katie dear i fear for you!!!!!

Evil Spock said...

You know he might be the guy that actually saves you from the really creepy guy with the hook on his hand. You know, the one that is sitting in the backseat of your car . . .

Mountjoy said...

So is it the size of the photos, the mutual masturbating, or the Ikea table that you have issues with? If they were contact prints, would it be okay? If they did it doggie style, would they be less creepy? For me, the Ikea table is the nadir of the weirdness.....


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