Wednesday, February 07, 2007

minister cured of homosexuality! it's a miracle

Minister Called 'Completely Heterosexual'



Peer Group Recommends Ted Haggard Move Out of Town
AP



DENVER (Feb. 6) - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."



well, I'll be dipped in shit. praise be. he's recovered from cock suckage and pineage. I wonder, maybe I should do this, too. I have such a hankering for dick. the change could do me good.



Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev.



ok, let me get this straight. if I am recalling the original yarn, hags requested a massage and didn't realize the person giving him the massage was gay. he was also holding crystal meth for him, too. but had no intention of taking it (of course), and this non-gay, gay encounter was an isolated gay incident? WOW. I am loving the depths of this spin.



Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition. "He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing." read more...



notice how situations is plural. shouldn't it be singular? remember, ralph mouth, hags only had one non-gay, gay experience. the shame of this paragraph is just perfectly brilliant.


17 comments:

Johnny Yen said...

That's great. Can we expect him to hire female hookers from now on?

Amy Guth said...

As a friend of mine once said in reference to a conversation he had with his mother when she encouraged him to get similar therapy from a minister for his "gay problem"...

"Damn, there aint no Shick for dick."

John said...

When I act out it doesn't usually involve dick (maybe my own, not someone else's peepee).

Man, just admit you like the cock and get over it.

On the other hand...

I'm a little annoyed over the backlash over the two guys kissing while eating a Snickers bar. I completely channeled the Ladynad The Tramp moment when these guys kissed. I also laughed my ass off when they did manly things like drink oil and pull hair from their chests.

I passed the breakroom at work a few years back and two guys were talking. One said "not to be gay, but that's a nice haircut". The other reluctantly thanked him. I laughed then because there are guys like this (the one I knew talking was in the closet too), but I have dumbass relatives like this also.

Sometimes a cigar is a cigar and we can laugh at stupidity (without thinking that these commercials promote violence against gays).

JDC

Nicky said...

If by "completely heterosexual" they mean "wishes he was doing a dude instead of his wife, but prays to jesus for these feelings to go away," then, yes; he is completely heterosexual.

Romius T. said...

I just discovered I am straight and I am 50 years old. What the fuck does his wife think of that?

Did he discover it after watching that "horrible" snickers commercial?

Evil Spock said...

Perhaps those ministers were geneticists and did some kind of holy DNA communion kind of thing.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. . .

Mountjoy said...

Yes, the "complete" hetrosexual is an issue: does that mean he cracks a fat over photos of Hillary Clinton? Are you not a "complete man" if you can't imagine Condeleeza Rice bucking like a mustang as you deliver to her the state of your union, doggy style?

And what is an "incomplete hetrosexual"? You fuck chicks but listen to Judy Garland records? You accept oral sex from men you meet in bars, but only cum when you close your eyes and imagine it's Scarlett Johanssen gobbling on your knob?

I'm confused...

Al Sensu said...

This is the same thing as goes on in the African American community..."totally heterosexual" men who have sex with guys. They're not gay, not bi, just on the "down low."

"jew" "girl" said...

oh, yensky, I'm thinking pre-op transsexual divas first to ease him back into women.

"jew" "girl" said...

shick for dick? oh, guth, too much!

"jew" "girl" said...

yes, lewchers, and wouldn't it be fabulous if 90% of the country laughed at stupidity versus exemplifying it.

"jew" "girl" said...

niiiiiiiiiiiice one, nicky!!!!

"jew" "girl" said...

no romius, silly boy, you can only catch hetero by searing HIS WORD into your brain.

"jew" "girl" said...

mj, that is so funny and so true. defining a complete hetero experience. would love to read what those agreements with thyself are as defined by the church of course.

"jew" "girl" said...

the down low... funny.

Writeprocrastinator said...

To borrow a Dan Savage-ism, I bet this dude isn't "gay" anymore, but he is getting pegged instead.

Coaster Punchman said...

I would like a video of how they proved he was completely hetero. I bet it was during a MMF three-way.

On second thought, I don't want that video. Haggard's weird lip-curling gives me the heebies.

Oh, and I agree with John on the Snickers ad. I liked the omnipresent homoeroticism in just about every ad during the Super Bowl. What was up with that? All that butt slapping finally get to those guys?

 

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