Katie Schwartz

If you're in Chicago tomorrow night, Thursday, June 28th @ 7:30 PM , get ready to mainline the hottest authors in town. Amy Guth , Author of Three Fallen Women, is Hosting an ongoing Reading Series at the Fixx Coffee Bar. Tomorrow night is the very first show. Are you plotzing?! I'm plotzing. Hello, I'm driven to caps on my blog. This is NEWS. Eric Spitznagel will be reading his book, Fast Forward: Confessions of a Porn Screenwriter. I've read it. I screamed. Howled. Peed. The whole 9-yards. Megan Stielstra : Writer, Performance Artist and Collaborative Storyteller will be spinning her yarns. Can't wait to read her. Ben Tanzer , Author of Lucky Man will be reading from his book. Running to buy it now. The dish... Fixx Coffee Bar 3053 N. Sheffield Ave., Chicago Tel: (773) 248-0841 Thursday, June 28th @ 7:30 PM Sharp

guthalicious tagged me, too, for an 8 things you don't know about me meemish. have you read her meme ? it's hilar squared. run. read. now. the rules for said meemish can be found here . 8 things you don't know about me I lost my virginity in sonoma my freshman year of college. don't feel sorry for me, I was a slut long before the hymen split. I got caught fucking in the marin headlands in a bunker. I emailed my first blow-job. he emailed me back. he had no recollection of the event. he became a bit of a crack addict. awww. and he was such a nice jewish boy, too. we keep in touch from time to time. I had sex on a trampoline in durham, england. I love bahbra's duets. it's a shortcoming, I know. I love women and I wish more women loved women. I meet far too many women who don't love or appreciate women and it makes me a very blue jew. I loathe pussies. I have commitment issues. I am tagging. vonneguts asshole . the daily pitchfork . creepykins . cpunchman . da...

have ya's read virgotex ? read her. she's a fab dame with a serious weakness for redheads. she's one of us: progressive, smart and hilar squared. read her meem . it's funny. we feel the same way about john from cincinnati. 1. All right, here are the rules. 2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. 3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. 5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. 8 random things about jewgirl I believe that gingerale and salted tops (saltines) are the cure all for any ailment. I just do. even though I've been proved wrong. it's so comforting to me. I always have em' in my house. I love opera. I am neurotic, obsessive compulsive and I have a few phobias for go...

look what paris drew and wrote with her own two hands while she was in prison! oh, that paris is so talented, isn't she?! picaso better watch his rotting ass. he's got some serious competition on his hands.

will resume tonight, bitches. loving. missing. needing. wanting. jewgirl

wpeaser is right, the top of my blog does look funky without images. it's all gone to shit now, hasn't it? jewgirl looks naked. that's not a pretty sight.

should I have enlarged the font? nah.

posting virgo's meme tomorrow and, uh. jumping on the fake interview bandwagon that cp and bubs are so ocd about. my fauxview is with leewee.

bye!

hi!

have ya's seen paul sing nessun dorma? it's off the hook, yo. if you love nessun dorma as much as I do and oh boy do I love it hard, you will spit twice and die! play now.

menstrual watch 2007 is tapering. I didn't have to purchase heritage library sized menstrual wear for my vagina this month, so I'm real pleased about that. did you know tampons are satan's little cotton fingers ? I think I got that link from guthy , wp or doc . I can't remember. forgive jewgirl. I'm not a born again, which means I'm allowed to shove any god damned thing up my flange I damn well please. do we know if christians masturbate? what's the scoop on vibrators? are they the devil's work? years ago, I wrote a joke about housing villages and cities in my womb. I have to find it and post it. did you read about the kid born in new zealand . yeah. his parents wanted to name him 4real. the judge said no. no. no. that the name was unfair to the child. no shit. this really is a bubs post. I feel guilty posting bubsy oriented posts, though guilt is my cardio. that's all I got right now. I have to get back to writing. I'm completely stuck on thi...

larry birkhead sold another yarn to ok magazine about anna nicole's spawn, dannielynn. do we all agree that the name dannielynn and the spelling is wildly white trash? ok. good. "She has long legs and chubby little toes exactly like Anna's; it's like a mirror image," Birkhead tells OK! magazine in its latest issue. "It's really incredible. And I think her lips are her mom's lips; especially when she pouts. ... She also gets what she wants exactly like her mom always did as soon as she'd pout." to me this reads like a future lifetime for television semicolon movie. dannielynn: once daddy's little girl. now his lovah at the supple age of 16 . maybe it's because I'm writing an essay about molestation (funny of course), but I don't think so. and then there's this... "I'm really hands-on, like too hands-on with my hand on the baby, a hand on the cell phone, a hand on the diaper," says Birkhead, who jokes that he ...

40-Year-Old Former Teacher Marries 16-Year-Old Student . kid's parents actually signed a marriage consent form. the shame. I don't care how miserable my kid was making me or how much she was ignoring me. no way on god's green earth would I give my 16-year-old daughter permission to marry anyone. I find this story so disturbing. why can't legal charges be brought against him? they were shtupping and romantically engaged when he was her coach. the shame.

I'm taking a peenyatus (penis hiatus). why isn't penis spelled, peenis ? cock hunting will resume in the fall. I'm actually quite glad I'm taking a dick break. cbb (can't be bothered) with dishing, jhsushing, hymen sparring -- none of it. by the time I'm ready to throw myself back on the market, my cuntarella will be one ravenous whore. I can live with that. menses watch 2007 continues. the hurricane is so epic, I'm ready to send in the encyclopedia of maxi-pads. let's hope it doesn't come to that. wiki says that each cycle only produces 80 ml of blood (1/2 cup). right. more like 180 ml (1 cup). show me a dame who produces a half cup per cycle and I'll show you the menstrual reduction pill she's gobbling. whatchya's doin this weekend? juice and I are schlepping to the park. I'm writing. cleaning. hitting a few gayroohj sales and probably ebaying myself into a frenzy. speaking of egay (it is a queens paradise, donchya know), the cunt...

we're 3-days into the war zone betwixt my thighs and my ovum is giving me one hell of a ride this month. cramps. clots. and a tsunami flow. this menses just might make it into the menstrual hall of fame. a girl can dream. today it hit me that change really is brewing in my direction. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I had a very busy day. I mean really busy. do ya's ever listen to vintage tupac? have you heard the songs dear mama or keep your head up ? beautiful. dear mama keep your head up

lewchers sent me the funniest 5 second video, I have ever seen in my entire life. I kid you not. make sure your sound is up and watch it at least a half dozen times. you will scream. it's too much.

so much for procrastinating. news ?! it's fabulous... run. read. now.

aww, it really pays not to finish high school. paris' handwritten letter

at approximately 5 am, the lips parted for the womb to percolate one unfertilized egg. I will admit that I love my menses. it reminds me that everything is in working order. mind you, I could do without the crampers. rye rye , self help , any thoughts on my cycle this month?

in case you were wondering, HE is going on a cruise with leewee in november. oh, isn't it exciting. premier christian cruising is hosting a jonsing for jesus leepee fest in mexico halla-fuckin-loo. 3 reasons to go on the Girl's Get-A-Way Cruise 2007 1. Refresh ! Get away from the hustle and bustle for a fun-filled vacation at sea. The Girl's Get-A-Way Cruise offers a chance to recharge your batteries and come away renewed. 2. Reconnect ! Come sail away with some of your favorite people. Mothers and daughters. Friends from way back. Women in your church circle. Make this cruise a time to renew those relationships that mean so much to you. 3. Rejoice ! Join thousands of other women on a cruise that will lift your spirits. Nightly concerts. Afternoon seminars. Devotional times. Morning praise. It's all a part of this 5-day, 4-night inspirational retreat for women. and here I thought she was searching for HIS small still voice. someone has got a case of the pinocchio...

courtesy of our love machine, lewchers . is this a gift or is this a gift?! I'm kvelling. I am in cunt heaven!!! thank you, lewchy!!!

the name of these shoes, toe jam, is nauseating right?

I bought some new chach on ebay. I'm on a syroco sconce tear at the minee. (I'll post pickys of my digs and it will all make sense). anyhoo.... this afternoon my box came (ooh. go, schwartzy) and when I opened it, what didn't this cunt use to ship my package?!?!?! plastic meat containers for chicken, pork and beef from "the walmart". USED styrofoam cups. pubic hair. ashes and a few gpc ciggy butts and the stench of DEATH and ASS. I dumped the whole thing and cloroxed the counter to death. snatch. I sent her a strongly worded email and told her to refund my money asap. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!

I am out of blog dish. I got nuttin' interesting. bubs asked me to elaborate on the douche yarn . here yas go. after I told pershina she wasn't getting inside my box, she told me I was immature and irrational. me?! nervey enough. I said, you're from a very conservative country (I had to be diplomatic. I couldn't say ass backwards. wanted to, but didn't). I can't imagine it's acceptable for you to be handling my vagina. I kid you not, she ripped the cookie that was dangling from my lips out of my mouth and ordered me out of her house. cunt. I ran into her about a year later at bank of america. she said, I recognize you. where do I know you from? I couldn't help myself... I wanted to rent your apartment, but you refused to rent it to me because I wouldn't let you douche me. she ran out of there faster than time. (get it)? I got nuttin. I was tellin' guthy the other day about my naybah and her new fuck toy b artholomew . I have a serious issue wit...

our darling and wacky tanya ethpanya , you know, the knocked up broad from canada, delivered a healthy baby boy last night! awww. this from the hubby: Just a quick note to let you know that Alexander Enrique Champagne arrived at 0:40 on Jun 16th. Weighing 9 lbs And measuring xxx in length. Tanya and baby are doing fine, pictures to follow in the next couple of days. MAZEL TOV, CONGRATULATIONS! SUCH A MITZVAH

my online bff-fahevah and always, wpeaser has meemed me. it's a dumb question meem. love it! "For this meme, I'm going to ask you to answer three (hopefully not dumb) questions: What is the dumbest question you ever been asked? Why was it it dumb? And, even though it won't help, because answering a dumb question never does, what's the answer? (Or, as I like to think of them: The Big Dumb Question, The Big Dumb Reason, and The Big Dumb Answer.)" hand to god this is a true story. you can ask my sister kerri if you don't believe me. when I first came out here, my sister and I went apartment hunting. we found a darling little 1 bedroom around the corner from keh. so cute. hardwood floors, washer and dryer, a come-fuck-me balcony. it was fabulous and so affordable. I checked out and was ready to sign on the dotted line... until pershina said, can I douche you ? excuse me , I exclaimed. my legs were closed the entire time and I shower daily. she said, I'm J...

a month or so ago, I posted about a friend of mine who noshed on some beav that reminded him of chef boyardee. remember? read it . buried in this chick's vadge, he felt as safe as he did when he was a kid. unfortunately, he told her. BIG MISTAKE. note: no woman wants to be told that her cunt smells like processed, canned food. last night while pussy hunting, he caught a buxom blond and when he went down on her, he said she tasted like chopped meat and ketchup. another family favorite. can you say pattern! you can't bullshit an old bullshitter, capisce?! I kid you not, he put an add on craigslist in the casual encounters section, seeking a savory pussy. and, it worked! can you stand it? I am on the floor from him.

New Abortion Bill To Require Fetal Consent

while frequenting our usual grocery store today, unbeknownst to us, we checked out on the special line. we had a lovely retarded checker and a super special bagger. it was a-ok that each item was bagged individually and that it took a lot more time. not an ish. things went awry when one of those fights broke out between them. you know, the screaming, curled fist, god I hope they don't kill each other or that I'll have to re-shop for the shit I just bought , kind of fights. believe it or not, that was even doable. though, I was worried... things got offensive when the store manager said, with a straight face, we try to help these people, but sometimes they're just more retarded than we realize . as if there's a retardation scale. what is their plan, to hire semitards? slightards? halftards? what? the fuckin shame of it. so, I said to him, you do realize what you just said could be perceived as offensive, right? he said, no. with a straight face. no. I couldn't let...

didjya's read about the vertically challenged kid who was rolling across the street and got stuck on the grill of a giant semi in paw paw michigan? kid was wearing a dr. pepper t-shirt and got stuck on the grille. can you imagine?! thank god the kid's ok. that said, this was the funniest fuckin story I have heard in my life. I was howling . seriously how-ling . do you not see the humor in this?! Carpenter was attempting to cross on Wednesday when the light turned green and his wheelchair became hooked onto the front grille of the truck, which reached 50 mph during the 4-mile trip down Red Arrow Highway, Michigan State Police Michael Sinke said witnesses reported.

Hilton released Steve Whitmore, a spokesman for the LA County Sheriff's department, told reporters gathered outside the jail that Hilton was released due to an unspecified medical condition . on her life in lock up for less than 72 hours She cries all day, a source tells People magazine in its new issue. “She looks unwashed, she has no makeup and her hair is tangled. She cried audibly through the first two nights.” paris on heading to the slammer "I am trying to be strong right now," Paris said of her jail time set to begin Tuesday. "I'm really scared but I'm ready to face my sentence." " I did have a choice to go to a pay jail," said Hilton, without giving details. "But I declined because I feel like the media portrays me in a way that I'm not and that's why I wanted to go to county, to show that I can do it and I'm going to be treated like everyone else . I'm going to do the time, I'm going to do it the right way....

this is the creepiest video I have ever seen in my entire life.

on paris hilton.... Sarah Silverman Blasts Paris Hilton Posted Jun 04, 2007 Sarah Silverman takes a dig at Paris Hilton at the MTV Movie Awards, and the entire crowd laughs at the jail-bound heiress' expense.

whenever I hear kits and handsome carrying case it makes my teeth itch. the concept is so disconcerting to me. I had to buy a new crackberry yesterday. never mind that the shmo who tried to sell it to me wanted to bend me over without lube. what made me walk out and choose another store was when he said the new blackberries come with a handsome carrying case. it's too proper. too gaudy. and always attractive, yet functional. does it get more annoying? kits are too all inclusive for my taste and super creepy squared. they have a comes with stigma that I cannot, for the life of me, get past . too much comes with leaves no room for creativity. moving right along.... the countdown to paris incarceration gate has officially begun. 48 hours and counting. I wonder if she'll be crotched upon entry. the girl can probably stash a department store in that echoing cavernous beav of hers. oooh, wait, that was cunty. (fyi) in case you were wondering there is a crotched mountain . who ...

can I get an amen? praise jaysus, baby. thanks to docalicious for sending me the light that is christian domestic discipline . this morning I read an anti-feminist, anti-woman post that is just off the charts brilliant. Too Much Vanity Upstairs - Too Little Vexation Downstairs Ever so often, some college coed posts somewhere just so she can tell the whole world that she is so smart that she does not have to listen to any man. It all sounds too good to be true - and it is. Here is why. A few years ago, the universities of Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow surveyed nine hundred people. In doing so, they made an interesting discovery. * Women with intelligence scores in the sub and near genius range were about as likely to marry as men with certifiable mental retardation. * Women slightly brighter than the average college student were about as likely to marry as men with slightly below normal intelligence. To make matters worse, when compared to men of similar intelligence, there ...

my mother always says, katie, one phone call can change your life. it's true. be it good. be it bad. should you pick up the phone? and how! fudgie's expression. every day I laugh. even if I'm sad I always find a reason to laugh. my mother also always says, make the most of every day. even if it's a suck ass day filled with a bunch-o-bitches, find something good about it. she's right about that, too, you know. weird day, kids... weird. weird. weird. no more molly morbid, I promise. onto bigger and brighter things... cormac brown has spun a must read yarn called eggplant parmigiana . it kicks ass. check it out. have ya's ever heard the song sweetest decline by beth orton ? it's one of my faves. (ps) is this a lyric or is this a lyric! " what are regrets? just lessons we haven't learned yet ." brill, no? yes.