Monday, October 13, 2008


One of my favorite writers Fredrick Schwartz, spun a yarn for the McCunt essay contest. This was originally posted on one of the most up-to-date, authentic, brilliant news sources online: Editorials from Hell's Leading Newspaper The Dis-Brimstone Daily Pitchfork, a read that you must feed. Consider it truth and liberal soul food.

I was on my way to Denver by way of a chartered Gulfstream V out of the executive jet terminal at Bradley International Airport which is nestled between the cities of Hartford, Connecticut and Springfield, Massachusettes. This has nothing, of course to do with John McCain or the word cunt but it is a timely and pleasant way to introduce the story that I have to tell about my first day at the Democratic National Convention.

The flight was nice the Gulfstream was stocked with the type of alcohol I like to imbibe and the "screwardess" was a very easy on the eyes green eyed brunette at 6' tall and about 160 pounds. I was joined in my journey by a man from Aurora, Colorado who was retuning home from a trip to Hartford. He's in insurance and was really a treat breaking out the backgammon set for three and a half hours of betting that saw me drop around 300 dollars all told. The gentlemen asked me not to use his name but did give me his card. The best part sports fans is that he is a reader of the Daily Pitchfork.

We were halfway through our first heated match and I was up when he asked me what I did and I told him the truth. I showed him my press credentials and clearly they had the otherworldly sort of look to them being half in Hellac and half in English. All of this is above board and well within the rules for the deceased. I did not show him any negagraphs of the latest Torture League final but I did display a hologram of my girlfriend Terri. This made him laugh so hard he had to take a sip of his 151 and Coke to compose himself. Trapped in a flying plastic and aircraft aluminum tube with walnut trim I could tell him anything I wanted about Hell and so I did.

I asked him after exposing myself as a dead journalist who lives and works and fucks his girlfriend in Hell who he was going to vote for in the November election. The casually well dressed man who likely netted about half a million clams a year said without missing a beat, "Barack Obama." He went on, as he kicked my ass and took some of the Dis Brimstone's money, to explain that even at his rate of income the Obama tax plan was more progressive and would put so much money back in the pockets of the middle class that he would be a fool not to vote for Obama. Okay you bunch of howler monkeys I knew that already but to hear it from someone who is going to have their taxes raised was refreshing.

This was only half the fun. After about two hours the flight attendant, Grace, was bored and decided to "impose herself" on us as we cast dice with reckless abandon. She has never heard the Nantucket limerick in its entirety so as I finished with, " . . . if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it" I thought the fortyish woman would come unglued and jiggle right out of her very well fitted uniform. Quickly the conversation went back to politics especially the Middle East and how it relates to Senator McCain and Senator Obama in their race for the White House. My new found friend pointed out that McCain has a very specific policy regarding Israel and he wondered what my opinion of the facts that he laid out being close to several prominent members of both Likud and Labour-Meimad. This man who up to this point could have passed as goyyim anywhere in the free world said McCain has a taste in his mouth for Tzipi Livni and her policies regarding Jerusalem and Gaza. I sat back, eyes wide, totally ignoring that the man had rolled boxcars on me erasing my lead in pips.

He smiled a thin smile being puckish now as he had my full attention after explaining to the flight attendant just who the hell Tzipi Livni is. "Of course nothing would ever happen," he chuckled, "but it is a chip to have on your side if you like Kadima and how they've botched relations with Palestine. He leaned in as I ticked off my lousy roll of 3, "If Livni replaces Olmert, which is a given because Mofaz is too eager to bomb Iran, and McCain is in the White House as President in 2009 there will be UN troops working as "advisors" all over the Palestinian Authority before the end of 2010. You mark my words. McCain has no interest in the peace process going forward. Ever. Moreover, the prick thinks he can arm twist Kadima's leadership into doing his dirty work at Natanz for him and I can prove every word I say as true.

"The gastrointestinal reaction I had is called "kaaviq" in the Hellac tongue. I politely excused myself and went to the rear of the plane and walked into the lavatory where I stayed a full twelve minutes. The John McCain having the hots for Tzipi Livni thing aside it was verifiable which made it worse. My new best friend was on an AirPhone call to Israel when I came out and he handed me the phone. On the other end was an Israeli politician who Ser Kelso de Panama is very fond of who chatted with me for seven minutes and confirmed most of what the Insurance Mensch had offered. The three minute conversation I had with the man was enlightening to say the least in regard to how Israeli politicians on the Left of center view the McCain solution to the Isreali Palestinian problem.

The rest of the flight was uneventful and as we deplaned on a warm night at Denver Stapleton's private jet terminal the dapper old Jew turned to me and said, "Can you check on someone I know that's dead?" I paused and reached for my BlackBerry™ which is slaved to Pain and said sure gimme a name and a date of birth and I'll see what I can do. "My first wife, Colleen Xxxxxx- xxxx. She took me to the cleaners in 1979. Died of cancer in 2003."

Pain brought it up in a blink, she was working for an investment bank in the 36th arrondissment on Rham and doing quite well for herself. "Figures!" the Insurance Mensch said, "That was always one money loving ambitious cunt!"

Fredrick Schwartz
Managing Editor-Research
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
72 Melnar 2 AS

How do you like this kid's literary chops?! Kick ass, right? I know. Leave your votes in comments! You have one week to vote for Schwartzy's essay, FOR KATIE SCHWARTZ: 3 CUNTS AND 3 NEW WORDS AND A CURIOUS INSIGHT INTO THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT MAY TRIP JOHN MCCAIN'S TRIGGER.


Fran said...

Cuntatstic, cunt-mazing, cuntilicously cuntabulously great!

Holy fucking cunt, that man can write!

Anonymous said...

exactly what Fran said. Ditto.!

Randal Graves said...

You people are all too good for me, you fucking cunts.

Travelingman Rick said...

um just asking but is the guy in the photo the writer? gawd he is hot. I have a real hard spot for wife beater tee is the poor white trash in me...sorry I just cant help it.

Anonymous said...

.........Edward Norton. I don't know why there is a picture of Edward Norton...... but there is a picture of Edward Norton....... *squeal*

I mean. uh, sorry, I already cast my vote for the DrugMonkey.

Edward Norton...... eeEeee!


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