If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotator cuff

I come here today my friends not to bury John McCain, but to praise him. To share a tender loving family values snibble of time that I hope transcends politics.

You see my friends the presidential campaign trail is long and hard, like a penis, and at one point on that long, hard, soul sucking, maverick busting into party yes man presidential campaign trail, John's loving wife Cindy came up to him, ran her beerlicous fingers through his hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there."

A moment of tender humanity in the loveless inhuman world that is American presidential politics.

"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt" Is what John McCain said by way of reply. I'm not making that up. Three reporters witnessed it.

God that's hot.

I bet they had steaming sex that night. White-hot nuclear powered cuntaramic sex until that makeup ran down Cindy McCain's face like water through a hydroelectric dam.

Which means it's good news for you and me and everyone else who believes this world has enough McCains that Cindy is on the hot-flash side of menopause. Because if there's anything our friends on the right have taught us about sex, it's that the only way it should ever be done is the way God himself intended. 100 percent organic, natural and bareback baby, so that all those sperm cells, bacteria, viral critters and every other element of a man's lovegoo gets deposited in the bank of cunt without any artificial manufactured interference from the House of Trojan.

It really is better for everyone that way. Except maybe for the 42,000,000 people living with the AIDS. And the 22,000,000 people who have already died of the AIDS. It probably wasn't better for them. And the post-pubescent children who get pregnant and then pressured by their right wing God-fearing parents to pop out a shortie and think to themselves they'll catch up on the college later. Because while some of these children will have mothers who will go on to be nominated for Vice-President, most will live the rest of their lives at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to the fight to grab enough of an economic crumb or two to eke out a living.

So really, when I say it's better for everyone to have no glove humpy humpy. I mean everyone except for people of color and gay men, who are most likely to fall victim to AIDS, and women, who so far have had 100% of all recorded pregnancies. Except for maybe that dude on Oprah. Which just leaves....straight white guys.

Which is why I come here not to bury John McCain. Because I'm a straight white guy, and I don't need any competition from you cunts when I'm looking for a job. Have that baby and vote Republican bitch, because I'm up for promotion. I'll save some trickle down for you.

Don't worry though. Even if the whiteyman jihad continues past 2009, we can look forward to improvement. Think for a second, does George Bush have any idea what a trollop is?

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Oh, DrugMonkey, you continuously outdo yourself. Your essay is fan-fuckin-tastic! Thank you for playing. Darling readers, please leave your votes in comments. You have one week to vote for DrugMonkey's essay "If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotator cuff" The winner will receive Bojamacakes prepared by Jintrinsique. For a truly unforgettable cupcake fantasy fest, click over here.

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About my good friend DrugMonkey: DM has been a community pharmacist for 16 years. He has slowly been developing into the type of guy you would never expect to do such a thing. He's so quiet, never bothers anyone, just kinda keeps to himself, you know? His writing may be the only thing keeping him from doing such a thing.