Monday, October 06, 2008

If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotator cuff

I come here today my friends not to bury John McCain, but to praise him. To share a tender loving family values snibble of time that I hope transcends politics.


You see my friends the presidential campaign trail is long and hard, like a penis, and at one point on that long, hard, soul sucking, maverick busting into party yes man presidential campaign trail, John's loving wife Cindy came up to him, ran her beerlicous fingers through his hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there."

A moment of tender humanity in the loveless inhuman world that is American presidential politics.

"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt" Is what John McCain said by way of reply. I'm not making that up. Three reporters witnessed it.

God that's hot.

I bet they had steaming sex that night. White-hot nuclear powered cuntaramic sex until that makeup ran down Cindy McCain's face like water through a hydroelectric dam.

Which means it's good news for you and me and everyone else who believes this world has enough McCains that Cindy is on the hot-flash side of menopause. Because if there's anything our friends on the right have taught us about sex, it's that the only way it should ever be done is the way God himself intended. 100 percent organic, natural and bareback baby, so that all those sperm cells, bacteria, viral critters and every other element of a man's lovegoo gets deposited in the bank of cunt without any artificial manufactured interference from the House of Trojan.

It really is better for everyone that way. Except maybe for the 42,000,000 people living with the AIDS. And the 22,000,000 people who have already died of the AIDS. It probably wasn't better for them. And the post-pubescent children who get pregnant and then pressured by their right wing God-fearing parents to pop out a shortie and think to themselves they'll catch up on the college later. Because while some of these children will have mothers who will go on to be nominated for Vice-President, most will live the rest of their lives at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to the fight to grab enough of an economic crumb or two to eke out a living.

So really, when I say it's better for everyone to have no glove humpy humpy. I mean everyone except for people of color and gay men, who are most likely to fall victim to AIDS, and women, who so far have had 100% of all recorded pregnancies. Except for maybe that dude on Oprah. Which just leaves....straight white guys.

Which is why I come here not to bury John McCain. Because I'm a straight white guy, and I don't need any competition from you cunts when I'm looking for a job. Have that baby and vote Republican bitch, because I'm up for promotion. I'll save some trickle down for you.

Don't worry though. Even if the whiteyman jihad continues past 2009, we can look forward to improvement. Think for a second, does George Bush have any idea what a trollop is?

--
Oh, DrugMonkey, you continuously outdo yourself. Your essay is fan-fuckin-tastic! Thank you for playing. Darling readers, please leave your votes in comments. You have one week to vote for DrugMonkey's essay "If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotator cuff" The winner will receive Bojamacakes prepared by Jintrinsique. For a truly unforgettable cupcake fantasy fest, click over here.
--
About my good friend DrugMonkey: DM has been a community pharmacist for 16 years. He has slowly been developing into the type of guy you would never expect to do such a thing. He's so quiet, never bothers anyone, just kinda keeps to himself, you know? His writing may be the only thing keeping him from doing such a thing.

34 comments:

jin said...

EEEEeeeeEEEeeeeEEEeee!!!!!
(That's the jinsqueal of delight BTW. ;-)


I had decided that I was either going to vote for all or none... but then I dropped off the face of the cyber planet for... um ... like the first two weeks of your cuntest so I figured I'd just read & enjoy because they are all so FABULOUS!

BUT (!)

After reading this I MUST cast my vote here! Who is this drugmonkey? Where does he come from? He's brilliant! Brilliant I say!!!

May I ramble? I'm very sleep deprived & that's what happens... too much caffeine & bee pollen today...

He hit on one of my fave topics "The Kid Thing"! Did you know that jin's don't have kids? jin's are all about that global overpopulation shyte.

Standing [not very funny] joke in the pastry shoppe:
A car pulls up out front. A 20-something couple gets out of the car & drags with them four little kids. FOUR. One Two Three FOUR. Always four. I dunno why it's always four. (?Theories anyone?) Anyway, before they even speak I hand them a wedding cake brochure & offer them a glance through my wedding cake portfolio... they always look dumbfounded and they always say, "How did you know we're getting married?!"

Ba-Dum-Dum-TA!

P.S. It's not always their first wedding. Ain't LUV grande?!!?

P.P.S. I wish I could print this out & put it in my shoppe but half my customers would have a heart attack & die & then I'd lose their business. That would suck. But I think it ROCKS!!!

RainDrop said...

I need my DrugMonkey fix on a regular basis. I hope he wins. (I'm a pharmacist too but I don't write nearly as well, or as vulgar, as DM does)

Romius T. said...

We don't need no stinking vote. Just give up the muff for my good pal the drug monkey. A winner.

secret diary said...

2 thumbs up for the DrugMonkey. "White-hot nuclear powered," indeed. What a pleasant mental image.

Anyway, the DrugMonkey deserves a whole big box of cupcakes since postcards just don't cut it anymore.

Dive-Ho said...

My vote goes to DrugMonkey. Give that man some Nobel Cupcakes! Although I am thinking he might really be a Republican in drag - he seems to describe the sex scene with Cindy a bit too well...I sense desire....

FranIAm said...

Can I be a republican-type and rig the voting? Sheeee- yit, this is cuntatstically cuntabulously cuntarrifically amazing.

I vote, like 3 times.

Cool - right?

Joe Cool said...

Vote for Drugmonkey.

Cupcake said...

Anyone who uses the phrase "pop out a shortie" gets my vote.

Hi-friggin-larious.

Give the man some baked goods!!

Randal Graves said...

I see that this site still refuses to clean up the foul language and even enlists outside help with the vulgarity. You're all a bunch of cunts. Trollops, that's between you and your cunt.

Anonymous said...

Funny Funny man---let him eat cake

Anonymous said...

I am a longtime drugmonkey fan and he will always get my vote!! In fact why not drugmonkey for president!!

danyelle said...

Vote goes to Drugmonkey.

Allison said...

From a fellow pharmacist, and shameless Drugmonkey addict.. ahem.. VOTE!

Liberal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liberal said...

I vote for DrugMonkey. Good stuff!

Anonymous said...

Drug monkey all the way! He has the kind of writing that can keep me entertained endlessly! Women want him and men want to be him!

Mother Jones RN said...

Drugmonkey rules!

MJ

Dan said...

I need more monkey!

MizzBee said...

Oh, the DM rules! He has my vote!

Tengrain said...

And I approve this message.

Regards,

Tengrain

Colette said...

Wow! My vote for DM, he hit it right on the "head"... in fact he's clairvoyant! Mc Cain even mentioned his thinning hair in the debate tonight! Wow!

Colette said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mister Mxyzptlk said...

OK, I'll admit this was good. Really good. Yes, it's a vote.

mike said...

Drugmonkey is my hero. If he was gay like me, I'd propose.... oh wait, I can't get married, never mind. I vote for him.

The_Sarcastic_Chemist said...

Drugmonkey for President.....I could use a scotch.

afeatheradrift said...

Lordy, I can with a bucket of soap and water to wash out all your mouths, but dang, I can't quite laughing. Hell, I gotta go to Church on sunday now. Thanks!

PS> Gawd you are funny.

Spartacus said...

I've just pulled the lever down on this one. Great stuff.

travelingman said...

gets my vote...even if he is a drug monkey...

beadybaby said...

voting for drugmonkey...though scotch and cupcakes sounds kinda gnarly...

Anonymous said...

funny...love it!

Textech said...

Drugmonkey gets my vote for sure!!!

Impotent Wisdom said...

Another vote for Drugmonkey.

Anonymous said...

Aaarrgghhh...I think I'm too late to vote....but here it is anyway...YAY Drugmonkey...once again pulling his punches and beating around the bush.

minja said...

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SPGhAxppAPI/AAAAAAAAHEg/VkGuA_5bZdI/s1600-h/mcainsface.jpg

 

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