Thursday, October 23, 2008

I was Humiliated!

Today, I was humilareena and her friends, Shame, Oh The Shame, and You Shameful Snatch.

Seriously. What happened today is so embarrassing I wasn't going to blog it until my sister said, "How can this shamevent be off limits when you so freely blog about menses."

The girl has a point.

I scheduled an appt with the cable man today because I needed him to switch out my boxes (that is not an innuendo, schmucks). My DVR was tiling and squeezing up when I'd change the channels. It also incessantly froze and garbled. Being a lazy bitch who doesn't really give a shit, I wasn't bothered.... for six-months.

At 10 AM, cabletard enters the premises on time (shock of shocks). He's pleasant enough and clean-cut. Having had cable / Internet issues to the degree that I have had with AT&T, I wanted him to stay and make sure that my Internet connection didn't go down and that I knew how to work the new DVR box. Being a busy boy, he got a little snippy. I needed to shut snipparena down, so I handed him 20 bucks and said please just make sure everything works, okay?

He took the 20 and coyly said, "Um, I don't want to... ya know... like, um, well" He was blushing, blushing, blushing. And then I realized what he thought the 20 was for.

I guffawed and said, "WAIT A FUCKIN' MINUTE, YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME? YOU THINK I'D PAY 20 BUCKS FOR YOU TO FUCK ME?!"

He heartily laughed it off and said, "Well, yeah."

YEAH?!

Are you fucking mother fucking cock sucking kidding me?!

As my friend Izzy said, "For 20 bucks, the most I'd ask you to do is strip down to your tool belt and dance for me." If, if, if that, ever.

I was so angry, I wanted to grab a baseball bat. Instead, I said, "I DO NOT PAY FOR SEX. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW WITH YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. LOOK AT ME? WHAT DID YOU THINK? I WAS SOME DESPERATE FAT CHICK LOOKING FOR SOME CABLE-COCK?! GOD DAMMIT. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU, YOU CABLE PULLING, BASEMENT DWELLING, INTERNET SCREWER UPPER."

At this point, he scurried into the corner like a banished five-year-old for spilling milk. I was even more infuriated with him for being such a fucking pussy, so I screamed, "Just do your fucking job and make sure everything works and then leave."

My Internet did go down three times and 30-minutes later everything was up and running. Now, mutually humiliated, he grabbed his things and scurried out the door. But, before he did, I gave him another guilt-$20 (in this economy, Schwartz? Guilt is a powerful weapon of mass distraction, so yeah.).

Say it with me, oh, the shame, humilareena....

25 comments:

DCup said...

Dude could've used a punch to the nutsack.

HelenWheels said...

You officially kill me. I am on the floor, alternatively coiled in a fetal position laughing, then rolling around pounding the floor and howling a high-pitched guffawing that my downstairs neighbor will be sending a letter to the landlord about tomorrow.

Holy fuck that's funny. FUNNY!!!!

You are adorable. And... GENEROUS!

Cormac Brown said...

Pay no mind to that poxy vagabond. Methinks he spends too much time watching the bad softcore porn that he illegally wired to his home.

Besides, you have Katie groupies that will willing give it up their tool belts for free.

jin said...

OMFG!!!!!!
can't
stop
giggling
...
heehee...
:-D

Thanks for sharing & you totally ROCK!

*jin drifts away for a second...*

damn. I've seen some hawt cable guys in this area... what with the cost of living change from you to me... betcha I could get me some cable cock for less than 5 bucks!!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Holy shit, that is the funniest thing I have read all week. Some day I'll tell you what I'll do for $20. Hahahaha.

Bubs said...

"WHAT DID YOU THINK? I WAS SOME DESPERATE FAT CHICK LOOKING FOR SOME CABLE-COCK?!"

Oh, babydoll, I am really laughing with you and not at you. Oh lord. That is too much. I am so glad you gave him the guilt 20 too--I guarantee he's totally mortified now.

Border Explorer said...

Palin speaks: "Hmmmm...what'll we pull out next: Joe the Cable Guy?"

Seriously Katie, you are pull-out-all-the-stops funny! HelenWheels said it real well. Thanks for this one!

Dale said...

Oh Katie! That's so crazy but I agree with everyone else, funny in your telling. Who should I call poor thing? You or him? What's on TV?

Spartacus said...

Humiliation? Yes. I can see that. But shamed? You? Hardly. That asshole ought to apologize to you by offering you free cable for a year for trying to pull of that nonsense. What a tool! (No pun intended.)

Turbo: said...

OMG! You have rocked my day and it's not even 8 bells! That was just the laugh I needed!

Randal Graves said...

Holy shit. This is comedy.

DivaJood said...

The poor schmuck. What an idiot. Whatever happened to "thanks for the tip, but you don't have to pay me extra to make sure I do my job?" Oh, wait. This is America.

Gail said...

I am laughing so hard right now, I'm choking!

afeatheradrift said...

I've had a lot of houses and apartments. I've had plenty of working men come and do stuff. Never never have I had this experience. I must lead an exceedingly boring and sheltered life. Tooo toooo funny

Romius T. said...

funniest day ever and makes my gettin internet story seem tame

KARENZIPDRIVE said...

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

FranIAm said...

Oh my Kateleh, oh my - that is so fucking wrong at so many levels.

Oh shit- like $20 would be even a hint of sex? Fuckwad.

You handled it well enough but you should not have given mr. pooty tang that extra gelt.

Fuck him.

Rastamick61 said...

I read your post at work and destroyed my keyboard in the fury of my response. Holy Shite. Then I showed it to a colleague who had to cover her face and leave the room. As we walked down the stairs together she asked in a loud voice Cable Cock ?!!! Holy Shit !

Beats the hell outta that DishDick from what they say anyway...Page will be blocked on Monday I am sure of it...

John McCain said...

Dear Cunty,

you know that we had our different views on certain political subjects I have to ask you for a favor.

The polls are really looking bad for me and Sarah and God knows what we tried to change the opinion of the American people but Obama has powerful friends in the Muslim world who are sitting on our oil and squeezing the remaining Dollars out of the hands of our middle class.

I am desperate. I tried everything but the Arabs' money is just too much. I fear, Obama will win the elections if not a miracle happens.

So I beg you to help me, be a white patriot at least and support me and Sarah. You know that my campaign has proof Obama is not a natural born American citizen and therefore can not be elected president. The Democrat Philip J. Berg and Michael Savage found out that Obama lied about his birth certificate but nobody listens.

I appeal to your honor as member of our white race to support us and spread everywhere that Obama is not a natural born American. It's my last hope to safe America from Muslims and Negroes after my campaign failed to bring the information to the American people that Obama is a Muslim, a terrorist friend and a guaranteed tax raiser.

Don't be a cunt, help me!

Hilly said...

Oh. My. Dog.

I swear that cable dude was in total pornalicious mode! He probably watched his favorite jacking movie earlier that morning then assumed you were ripe for the pickin! Of course, he seems like a wimp to me! Too coy and too forward all at the same time.

I totally just lost it giggling by the way. This has NEVER happened to me and now I kinda wish it would.

;)

fairlane said...

Fuck, there goes my "Cable Guy" idea.

Madam Z said...

Oh dear, Katie dear. I don't think either of you should feel humiliated, just really, really embarrassed! He was embarrassed for misunderstanding your intentions, and you were embarrassed that he had thought what he did. If that ever happens to me (fat chance, darn it) I'll try to make a joke out of it and have us both laughing.

And girl, you have a great way with words! This line should go down in history: "WHAT DID YOU THINK? I WAS SOME DESPERATE FAT CHICK LOOKING FOR SOME CABLE-COCK?"

KK said...

I'll do it for just $10

John McCain said...

Was it Joe the plumber?

sylvia said...

I laughed so much at this - I'm sorry. Shouting at him and then handing him another 20 is just so what I would do. That is hysterical.

 

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