Sunday, November 02, 2008

Is This Cunty?

The non-sequitur post from hell.

If I was paying for an opinion, I'd fill out a survey or log into a Dr. Phil forum, or ask a friend.

When I check-out at a store, all I want to be asked is, cash, credit or check?

"Should you really be buying pretzels", wholey Foods clerkcunt asks. Between us, Glutino Pretzels are gluten/vegan free noshies ta'die for, and one of the greatest organic, diet worthy, health conscious foods created. Not to be eaten every day, but if you want to feel like you're having a real snack on a Saturday afternoon or whenever, they're delish.

Back to clerkcunt. "How is the food I buy any of your business?" I asked. "I see you in here a lot and you always buy fresh veggies and fruit. I assumed you were on a diet. Why sabotage yourself?"

I walked right over to a manager and said, "Your clerk is stalking me." After explaining what happened, he apologized. We walked back over to clerkcunt. The manager said "Apologize to our customer. Customers buy whatever they want. If she wants to make bad food choices, that's her responsibility, not ours."

"YOU CALL THAT AN APOLOGY?!" I screamed. "You and your fucking store clerk can suck my ovaries, lick the urine from the folds of my labia and rim my pre-showered asshole." (It was 7AM, it seemed like a logical response.)

They offered to give me my groceries for free. In this economy, I should've accepted. Instead, I chose never to go back to that Whole Foods again. I've banned how many WF's now? The shame.

Maybe I'm overly sensitivo at my current weight. I really don't know. Here's how I feel about the matter: Fuck their eyeballs with salty cum. Spiders should screw each other's brains out inside their nostrils and line their sinuses with spidey babyballs before exiting. They should shit slugs, worms and scabies.

The scent wafting from scented candles gets stuck in your neck if you burn while sleeping. So gross. Never burning a scented candle again, Illume or other. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Space trash the size of a refrigerator is careening towards earth and scheduled to arrive in the Earth's atmosphere late Sunday. A year and a half ago, an astronaut tossed it overboard.

"NASA and the U.S. Space Surveillance Network are tracking the object - a 1,400-pound tank of toxic ammonia coolant thrown from the International Space Station - to make sure it does not endanger people on Earth. Exactly where the tank will inevitably fall is currently unknown, though it is expected to re-enter Earth's atmosphere Sunday afternoon or later that evening, NASA officials said." Let me make sure I understand this. A toxic ammonia coolant is watching the object speed towards earth to make sure it doesn't endanger us, but they are clueless about where it's going to land. Ah, now I get it. Right. Makes perfect sense. Moving along.

"This has got a very low likelihood that anybody will be impacted by it," said Mike Suffredini, NASA's space station program manager, in an interview. "But still, it is a large object and pieces will enter and we just need to be cautious. If anybody found a piece of anything on the ground Monday morning, I would hope they wouldn't get too close to it," Suffredini said. Suffredini, are you fucktarded? Did you miss Creepshow?

"As a matter of course, we don't throw things overboard haphazardly," Suffredini said. "We have a policy that has certain criteria we have to meet before you can throw something overboard." Really? You sure about that? Cause it sounds a whole lot like toxic ammonia coolant is a no-no and shouldn't have been discarded. "Oops." Isn't really going to cut it, sweetie.

My sister made a great point about Halloween. She went trick-or-treating with friends and their loin fruit. She said, "We teach our kids never to talk to talk to strangers or eat candy from a stranger, or enter their residence. On Halloween, we take them out to do that very thing. So weird."

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Randal Graves said...

I'm not sure if this is the greatest/strangest/non-sequiturest/cuntiest post ever, but it's up there.

Joe said...

There's a unique kind of asshole who works in a place like Whole Foods, the self-righteous prick/c-word (sorry Katie, I've slid back to being unable to utter that word) who feels totally entitled to advise/lecture/harangue their less-enlightened customers.

Fuck em.

I did like how you shifted, seemingly without effort, from the Whole Foods-induced rage to space junk and Halloween. Well done!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Those cunts form Whole Foods should be beaten for treating you so shitty. I would have taken their "free" groceries and then dumped them in the floor and ground them in as I shouted epithets at them. But then again, I'm a bit over the top at times.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

'from' god damn it, 'from.' I curse my sausage like fingers.

Unknown said...

Katie, I am in shock!! Which WF was that so I may too avoid it (not that I go to WF much anyway, I'm more of a Traders Joe and Nature Mart girl myself).

Geez that's just un-fucking-believable and very insulting and very unacceptable.

I agree with Dr. Monkey, they deserved to wear those free groceries.


Cormac Brown said...

That's not just an LA-thing, I had a clerk say something about The Kid and I had another after a particularly hard week where I got no sleep, say "you look like you're getting old."

Uh, like you said with the salty stuff.

Molly The Dog said...

I LOVE your blog! I LOVE your writing! I even love reading all the comments. So funny. When I read this it reminded me of going to the bank and how all the tellers are so God Damned nosey. Some perky little thing says, "So how's YOUR day going?" I know they really don't give a shit so I quickly answer, "Fine." Then they follow it up with, "So what do YOU have planned the rest of the day?" I want to say, "None of your fucking business." but of course I don't. So I just say something like,"Oh not a lot". By that time the transaction is over and I can get the hell out of there.

Anonymous said...

Remind me to never piss you off. All the arachnid sex in nostrils is off-putting.

Imagine, if the things falls through the atmosphere and lands near Palin's traveling road show, she'll think it's a sign from god that she will be president.

Will she run out and touch it?

Sylvia said...

"If she wants to make bad food choices, that's her responsibility, not ours."

Oh my god, he said that? Un-fucking-believable.

Billie Greenwood said...

Whole-y Cow! Worse. Ever. Customer. Service. This magnifies my suspicion of Whole Foods.

With space crap hurtling towards our heads and crappy verbage coming at us at a 7AM grocery stop, it's no small feat how you keep us laughing, Katie. Lovin' you hard!

Fran said...

What kind of Whole Food fuckery is that?


I am speechless now.

And Helenwheels shops at Nature Mart? On Hillhurst? My old hood????

Unknown said...

FranIAm!! I doooo! I live 2 blocks away from Nature Mart on Hillhurst! Why oh why did you move away? Oh the collaborations we could have at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf (est. 1968).


Katie Schwartz said...

Ahhh, Randal, thank you for your honesty. Excellent points.

Katie Schwartz said...

Coming from you, Bubbsie, I regard that as a great compliment. You post about the coolest non-sequituriest dish evah.

Katie Schwartz said...

You're right, DM. I should've taken the damn groceries and littered them all over their parking lot. However, they would've turned them into composte in a make-it-about-us-because-we're-so-fucking-fabulous kind of way. I couldn't have that.

The smart move would've been to accept the groceries and give them to a homeless person.

Damn it, Schwartz. Think it through next time.

Katie Schwartz said...

Helen Wheels where is Nature Mart? I love Trader Joes. I think the closest one to me is in WeHo.

I went to the Whole Foods in Beverly Hills. I broke up with the WF on 3rd and Fairfax.

Katie Schwartz said...

Cormac, I am so sorry. That is fucked up. Oy, people. They don't think before they speak. If you (the generic you) are going to apologize, just say "I'm sorry" full stop. No need to judge and elaborate.

Katie Schwartz said...

Molly the Dog, thank you for stopping by and saying such awfully nice things about my bloggy blog. Mwah.

You get it with tellers? What an ass pain. Sorry, doll.

Katie Schwartz said...

DivaD, love what you said about Palin. Sooo funny.

Katie Schwartz said...

Sylvia, WAIT, HE WAS CHUVVY. really chuvvy. How do you like the nerve?!??!?!

Katie Schwartz said...

Border Explorer, what are you suspicious of about Whole Foods? Spill. I love a good theory.

Thanks, doll.

Katie Schwartz said...

Frannygirl, the WF in BH and the one on 3rd and Fairfax suck ASS. Filled with such pricks.

What is this Nature Mart and why don't I know about it.

Katie Schwartz said...

HW, I wish Frannygirl lived her, too. When she was in LA, we hooked up at Coffee Bean. How much fun would it be if the three of us could challs and dish at CB?! Perfect, I tell ya.

Al Sensu said...

I dunno if it's an LA thing. I've never had a WF checker say anything besides thanking me for bringing a bag and did I want to donate my 5 cents I get for bringing a bag and have a nice day.

Funny, I have been to that WF on 3rd and Fairfax when visiting your fair city. It was on my way back from Canter's Deli. Damn I wish you weren't out of town that week. I blame Guth.

Molly The Dog said...

Ok, I'm totally hooked on your blog. You have another fan to add to your collection. Your commet-eers are just so funny.

So here's the thing: it makes total sense that this Holy Foods is in Beverly Hills-the land of image and snootiness. I'd say you handled yourself pretty well.

Karen Zipdrive said...

The Texas Whole Foods stores have nice clerks who don't editorialize on my groceries.
You should write to the CEO in Austin. He'd frown on such boorishness.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

KATIE: Noyce post! I loathe everything about WHOLE PAYCHECK. Good for you.


Once again, we disagree. The CEO of Whole Foods would LOVE such boorishness. ALTRIA sells cigarettes. McDONALD's franchises fast food restaurants of questionable nutrional value around the world. COCA-COLA franchises bottlers worldwide and sells them the syrup mixture needed to make the none-too-healthy soft drink. BOAR'S HEAD PROVISIONS sells cured meats, high in salt, fat and nitrates.

All of those companies are pretty model corporate citizens in all respects when compared with WHOLE FOODS: labor practices, minority hiring and/or franchising, granting of benefits to same gender partners of employees, etc.

But it is in the area of labor practices where the HOME OF THE $6 RADISH really shines. Please don't believe me. Do your own research. Start with what happened in Madison, WI, to some WF employees who wanted to organize and join the Teamsters. Find out what has happened in each of their profitable years when the RESOLUTELY NON UNION WholePaycheck refused to live up to their agreement to make all employees "partners".

ALTRIA, McDONALD'S, COCA-COLA, and BOAR'S HEAD will survive the recession. WHOLE FOODS is not likely to. OK, it's organic food and headquatered in Austin. ALTRIA's head-quartered in some redneckville in VA. McDONALD's is head-quarted in Oakbrook, IL. COCA-COLA is headquarted in Atlanta. And Boar's Head is headquarted in Brooklyn, NY. All that means is that WHOLE FOODS is in a college town and the others aren't.

If I could guarantee that WHOLE FOODS would go under, I'd start smoking Marlboros, I think. Luckily, I won't have to smoke. WHOLE FOODS will be bankrupt before the first of the OBAMA-BIDEN 2012 signs are printed up.


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