Monday, November 24, 2008

Adventures in Fucktardaree

Continuing the Am I the fucktard or are they, series, I'd like to tell you about a banking experience from hell today.

The bank in question hasn't peeled yet from peer pressure, and so I opened an account with them. Not with any degree of confidence, more out of necessity.

Hours into our courtship, they attached someone else's $10,000 platinum credit card debt to my account -- accidentally -- or so they'd like me to think. It all felt so shamefully My Big Redneck Wedding. I called customer service and said, "Hey, I don't have a credit card with youse, much less credit card debt, so can you please remove this from my account."

The response from the I-hate-my-fucking-job-because-I'm-underpaid-and-have-zero-benefits employee was "Hmm. Your name is Katie Schwartz, right?" "Yes, it is," I said. "Hmmm... I guess there's another Katie Schwartz, or are you just trying to get out of paying your credit card debt?" Har, har, har, he laughed. Yeah- hardee-fuckin-har-har-har, in this economy.

He wasn't able to help me and told me to go the branch. Off I went to the branch... aaaaagain. I sat across from a banker and explained the credit cardbacle I now found myself in and she said, "Oh well, I wish I could help you, but I can't. You need to call customer service." "I did that already and they told me to come to the branch." "They were incorrect. I can't help you. Sorry." "Indeed," I said, "Close my account immediately and give me back my money."

This evening, I got an email from the bank I broke up with that read:

Dear Katie Schwartz,

Regarding your Checking account, we are happy to assist you. Shut up. Really?

You are a valued customer of (Go fuck yourself bank, dumb ass), we appreciate your taking a few moments to thank us. Thank you? I would've remembered sending a thank you e-stalk after cursing you out this afternoon.

It is our pleasure to learn that we were able to assist you with your banking needs. Well I'll be dipped in shit. You assisted me with my banking needs? Is that why we broke up? We are committed to providing you with the best quality service possible. In my next life, right?

We thank you for your business. Newsflash, putz, we got divorced.


Nervy little nervetards, the whole lot of em', I tell ya.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I hate all those bastard banks.

Mauigirl said...


And then to send that letter??? Puh-leeze.

I hope you find the bank of your dreams and don't have to deal with these idiots ever again.

Joe said...

I spent some time earlier tonight talking to the victim of an identity theft who's been getting calls from a collection agency. She provided contact information for the police, along with her report number, and it wasn't enough for them. The collection place refused to contact us, and demanded that she do so, obtain a copy of her police report and fax it to them.

In brief, institutional fucktardery abounds. Institutions like banks are full of chirpy drones just reading from their scripts.

Karen Zipdrive said...

I hate to sound like an ad for Bank of America, but I've been banking with them for a gazillion years and they have been pretty damn accurate and accountable.
Any errors they did make were corrected immediately- plus their people are very nice.
Also they have online banking where I can watch my balances hourly if I want.
And best of all, they ain't asking for any bailout dough.
Just a thought.

Fran said...

Oh I disagree. I hate fucking BofA! I have my reasons. Too much to go into here.

I have had generally good experiences with Chase but they may be the biggest motherfuckers of all.

So bottom line, pardon the pun is that all banks suck ass.

Randal Graves said...

Imagine being the yokel who has to come up with the text for these banal letters/emails. That might be the worst job there is outside of low-level employment at The Undisclosed Location®.

Cormac Brown said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...we may have a world-wide shortage of petroleum or water in our lifetime, but we will never have a shortage of putzes.

Eric Riback said...

The one thing I've always taught customer service folks who work for me NOT to say is "you'll have to..."

It's up to US to solve the problem we made for YOU.

Sorry, I'm not in banking.

Anonymous said...

What a pain in the ass. I try to do as little with banks as possible. In fact, if I could do without them, I would.

Anonymous said...

Oh I commiserate! There is nothing worse than being called upon to clean up somebody else's mess. Been there, done that. It is thoroughly a pain in the ass.

s. douglas said...

I prefer to keep my money in large metal boxes, which I bury in my basement, along with the hitchhikers, and bank tellers.

Anonymous said...

Fairlane forgot to mention the clowns. But I'm only guessing.

When Wells Fargo took over my bank some years ago, they sent me a letter AFTER they closed my branch to let me know that "for my convenience" they moved my safe deposit box to another city far, far, away from me.

Yes, it took several certified letters from my Lawyer to resolve this problem (which also involved air fare, hotel stay, and some other expenses -- I did mention that "for my convenience" it was moved to another city, far, far away) -- but eventually, I was able to get it all straightened out.



Distributorcap said...

my bank was Commerce - and they werent that bad. now they are TD bank -- lets see how long before they become like every other fucking bank.

and as for banks --- why in Manhattan are the 75,000 branches of every one.. WaMu must have had 10 within 3 blocks of me!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

JG: You've lost some of your NYC skills out there! You know how to handle these situtiations. Tell them to call you back on your cellphone because you intend to record the conversation so there's no misunderstandings.

That ought to shut it down right there.

If not and they call you, DO RECORD THE CONVERSATION, but make sure to ask first if SHE IS RECORDING THE CONVERSATION.

If she says she isn't and that she wishes you wouldn't, tell her that you believe that she's committing willful fraud. And to PROVE to you that she's not recording the conversation.

Bottle her up in that until you both agree to record the conversation. Don't answer any questions of hers. Merely state that she's in error. If she insists that she's not, ask for YOUR SIGNATURE PAGE on the card account as well as the bank account to be scanned and sent. RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

If she hasn't bailed by then and apologized and fixed it, you give her the number of a friend who's an attorney and tell her to sort it our with him or her.

Give her a deadline and that if your attorney hasn't heard from her superivsor (get the name) by that time, you will close your account and will make a wire fraud complaint against the bank and her and her supervisor with the US Attorney's office in Westwood. But no matter what civil or criminal action you plan to bring, you want the names of all her supervisors plus the head of public relations and the head of consumer marketing.

By the end of this conversation everything will have been fixed and you will have been given a free upgrade in service to a PREMIER account.


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