Katie Schwartz

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. May all of your wishes come true. May you find happiness by your design. I am thrilled we are going into 09 together. I know I've been on an unplanned hiatus these past few weeks, but an explanation will be forthcoming in a few days and a lot more posting and commenting on your delicious reads. Thank you for being in my life and for being such great e-buds, friends and blog buds. You're all tits to the tenth and I am a better person for knowing you. Love, Katie "If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose" - Charles Bukowski “There is a time to stop reading, there is a time to STOP trying to WRITE, there is a time to kick the whole bloated sensation of ART out on its whore-ass.” - Charles Bukowski

A day without this Gay would be devastating. This queen is fierce. Christmas in HanCOCK Park wouldn't be the same without him. Are you kvellarella for his decor? Me too!

A lovely dame named Melissa wrote a beautiful hate letter to her thyroid and submitted it to Dear Thyroid . She's 30-years-old and her life has been turned upside down and inside out. What is so impressive, in my opinion is her commitment to kicking her thyroids ass and extricating the "awry" from her "thy". The girl's got moxie! Give a read .

I wrote the below ventfest last night thinking I would publish it. Instead, I passed out from egg-zzausgion. I am so angry. Using Insanareesta's face as my menstrual product of choice this month couldn't quell my level of rage. In fact, neither could turning her into a train-pulling-record-breaking stunt cunt, or watching her mattress surf in freezing cold mud, naked, clinging to the rope attached to a John Deere tractor driven by a misogynist woman (a-la Palin), named Billie with a heart above the "I" (just to piss me the fuck off). Nothing will extinguish my severe level of frustration, not a damn thing. Well, I guess moving will... help. Snatcheeola continues to bang. Bang. Bang. When she smells smoke . I'm this close to posting an add on Craigslist for every smoker in LA to stand at her windows, chain smoking. What DICKS me off the most is that the landlord is taking her side because she kvetches three times a day. Do you believe? Who does that? Worse, when I...

Thank you SimianStudMuffin , for the coolest, campest most fabulous T-Give vinty postcard, evah . I luv it - I luv it - I luv it. My BB didn't do this baby justice, it is fabulous. I taped it to my fridge, so I can see it every day. Such a mensch that Simian... I couldn't adore him any harder.

Image found here . Tits, right? I thought so, too. Moving the story along, my very good friend Crionaberry wrote the most kick ass post about health insurance, it's surly, sassy and sadly true. A must read. Ga'head. check it out .

I am looking for an apartment as yas all know. Admittedly, I have weird ass requirements. Not that any of you are shocked, of course. Me being me and all. The sound of vertical blinds clacking like cheap, hollow high heels is so unnerving, it's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard . And carpeting. Please.... I can't breathe. It's a fiber-allergen waiting to attack. A building that looks like this, screams death on toast with a peach schnapps back. In California, I can't live in a high rise either. I'm an e-quake phobe . No. No. No. This kitchen is wrong on too many levels. It's a claustrophobe -mare with a pink flower to boot. What the fuck?! White is good, sure. It's that half wall situation that's got me jeaned out and hello, whatever happened to refrigerators?! Ya can't throw in a fridge? Suck my menstruating ovaries. We need to digress for a minee . Buildings like this also jean me out. Wanna know why? It feels college dormy , even though w...

Right? For once my people ain't takin' the heat. Thanks for sending, Lewch .

MonkeyStud might have meemed me. I think he did, though I'm not sure. I know, I'm a fucktard. It's Sunday, can I get a pass? Thanks. 1. Five names you go by a) Katie b) Louie c) Schwartzy d) Jewgirl e) Quatz 2. Three things you are wearing right now a) Sweatshirt b) Sweats c) Keen shoes 3. Two things you want very badly at the moment a) (this is MonkeyMucker's answer and quite honestly, I can't think of a better one. He said exactly what I feel) for Bush and Cheney to be led from the White House in handcuffs and then tried for their crimes against humanity b) Great results tomorrow, resolution finally and no new issues. 4. Three people who will probably fill this out a) Fran I Am b) Bethy c) Cormac Brown d) Bubbsie (Yes, I can count, thanks. I just hunched on 4) 5. Two things you did last night a) A deep and rewarding conversation w/my ma, one of those life lesson convo's that I wouldn't trade for all the bagels in Brooklyn. It was that good, my friends. b)...

Dear Readers, I am so thankful for you. You've made me laugh, and think, and cry, and some of you have become friends, dear friends, the greatest friends a girl could ever hope for. I am so appreciative of your goodness -- your intense minds -- your mad blogging skills -- your outrageous comments -- our disagreements -- when we same page harder than ever and so much more. I wouldn't trade any of you for all the shmear in the world. (And I fuckin' love shmear on a bagel, yo.) I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving. xoxoxo'ng it, Jewgirl

Thanks, Pops! Kick ass image. Have we all seen this?

Continuing the Am I the fucktard or are they, series, I'd like to tell you about a banking experience from hell today. The bank in question hasn't peeled yet from peer pressure, and so I opened an account with them. Not with any degree of confidence, more out of necessity. Hours into our courtship, they attached someone else's $10,000 platinum credit card debt to my account -- accidentally -- or so they'd like me to think. It all felt so shamefully My Big Redneck Wedding. I called customer service and said, "Hey, I don't have a credit card with youse, much less credit card debt, so can you please remove this from my account." The response from the I-hate-my-fucking-job-because-I'm-underpaid-and-have-zero-benefits employee was "Hmm. Your name is Katie Schwartz, right?" "Yes, it is," I said. "Hmmm... I guess there's another Katie Schwartz, or are you just trying to get out of paying your credit card debt?" Har, har, ha...

Shalom Lovers. Sorry I was so out of the loop last week -- I read nothing -- I blogged bupkas. Officially, I was the worst blogdatable out there. Last week was sooo harreeeblay, a reprieve surely would've been getting skull fucked by Cheney's pacemaker, jizzed on by Bush's Yorkie and peed on by Laura Bush. I'm boring ? Really? I don't know, I think beets, prunes and figs are boring. Just an FYI, Anony, I'd rather be called fat, dirty, cheap and poor than boring. I'd rather be told I had vadgeitosis than be regarded as dull, flat or stale. Last week wasn't the week to kick a Jewgirl when she was already down. And PS: Grow a set and leave your name -- pussy. See what I did there? I vented. We're not done. The global economy is bottoming for Bush. Small nations are folding. The US economy is so deep in the shitter, it's like a diarrhea tsunami rolling deeper and deeper inland. Everyone is struggling, stressed to the point of delirium and freaked ou...

I should fondle myself for old time sake. Just kidding . Gaaaaahd.

Today is a very special day, it's Frannylish's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANNYGIRL . I wish you a happy, healthy and fabulous birthday, my sweet. Big hugs and kisses. Click on over and wish our girlie the happiest birthday evah. Love, me

Mike Dell’Aquila is the Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Farmhouse Magazine (one of my favorite reads). Inspired by a formative, passionate group of writers and editors with a penchant for blending emerging and published voices, FM has evolved into one of the most reputable and exciting online magazines. So much so, they've taken their success to an entirely new level, adding a publishing arm, launching TODAY. Like the mensch he is, when I I hocked Mike about an interview, he graciously agreed. KS: Tell me about YOU, the Farmhouse Magazine Editor-in-Chief. MDA: I have a hard time talking about myself and defining myself along any lines. This much is true: I really got into literature and creative writing toward the end of high school and by the time I got to college I couldn't really picture myself doing anything else but that. What makes me laugh is that it happened almost in spite of (not because of) my high school curriculum. I discovered writers like Jack Kerouac, Hunter ...

This morning, I woke up to this yummalicious mail in my box: "I am so sorry that I took the time to view your website. gruel and spew. thanks for nothing. However your site and others like it have kept the hate mongers of your ilk out of jail for at least a couple of months. Politially Ill" We're going to break this down first, to be sure we understand it. According to Dictionary.com, Gruel is A thin watery porridge, or Chiefly British Severe punishment. That said, maybe s/he meant to say that s/he spewed their gruel after reading my site, or that until January 20th, Bush should forego water boarding me, and hand me over to the British for another form of severe punishment. Thoughts? I couldn't find Politially on Dictionary.com. I hate to assume, but I'm almost positive s/he meant that s/he was politically ill after reading my "hate mongering" site. It's true that I dislike evangelicals, zealot fundamentalists in any form. I do celebrate religion and...

How California can vote for hope and change in one column and for discrimination and injustice in another is so far beyond my comprehension, I'm still shocked and nauseous. Do Californians not know from the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal , that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness . ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Say it with me, EEEEEEQQQUUUAAAAL. Not, equal, but, or equal ish , or equal by my personal definition. EQUAL, full stop. Hello, what about the fucking Constitution? Ever read that? Here's a link . Knock yaselves out. We have to get involved and do everything in our power to stop this. Here's the dish: Revoke LDS Church 501 (c) (3) Status, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has gone too far in substantial activities to influence legislation . Read the official Prop 8 Letter California and Same Se...

349/173—by 176 points, the landslide I wished and voped for. I was watching MSNBC on election night. When Obams went from 170 to 230, they called it, and announced that Obama had won the election. I was in tears and finally felt like my vote counted. I was so proud to be a part of this American history-- In my lifetime, I never thought I'd be privileged enough to witness such a historic event on so many levels. The nation felt healed and the world celebrated. Every moment thereafter, his numbers increased as red states turned blue... it was magnificent. After winning the election, I realized that Obama raised the bar of what I expect from my politicians. He eradicated good ol' boy politicking and made damn sure I knew that I had the right to make my elected officials accountable and to take responsibility for their actions. Hope and prosperity are embedded into the foundation of this country, that's true. Unfortunately antiquated politics buried it for many years with stal...

Such a beautiful video. [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

Beautiful.... Don't forget: Calfornia voters, NO ON PROP 8 Vote OBAMA/BIDEN (Bottom of the ticket in CA) [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

If you haven't voted yet, OBAMA/BIDEN is at the BOTTOM of the ticket , be super careful and pay very close attention when you vote! Vote, baby vote! IT WAS AWESOME!

Love this broad.... She's right. [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

More from HuffPo . A'course only one schmuck thinks McPainInTheAss will actually win. Gaaaaahd. Matthew Dowd Winner: Obama Electoral College: Obama 338 McCain 200 Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans House Seats: 250 Democrats 185 Republicans George Will Winner: Obama Electoral College: Obama 378 McCain 160 Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans House Seats: 254 Democrats 181 Republicans Donna Brazile Winner: Obama Electoral College: Obama 343 Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 39 Republicans House Seats: 262 Democrats 173 Republicans George Stephanopoulos Winner: Obama Electoral College: Obama 353 McCain 185 Senate Seats: 58 Democrats (59 if there's a run-off in Georgia) Republicans 40 House Seats: Democrats 264 Republicans 171 Mark Halperin Winner: Obama Electoral College: Obama 349 McCain 189 Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans House Seats: 261 Democrats 174 Republicans Chris Matthews Winner: Obama Electoral College: Obama 338 McCain 200 Senate Seats: 56 Democrats 42 ...

From HuffPo: Final Presidential Polls . Work a phone bank, volunteer. Get the dish here . New national polls on the last day of the race: Hotline : Obama 50, McCain 45 Ipsos/McClatchy : Obama 50, McCain 42 Daily Kos/Research 2000 : Obama 51, McCain 45 Marist : Obama 53, McCain 44 WSJ/NBC : Obama 51, McCain 43 [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

We all know what a scandaliciouos scumbag John McCain in the ass is and how disgusting and deceitful the repubtards are as a rule, so we shouldn't be shocked by the article below. They've been licking Satan's cum stains from their faces for how many years now? However, they have found a way to sink even lower. This article nauseated me. Shameless bunch'o bitches. Voters Across Nation Hit by Dirty Tricks By DEBORAH HASTINGS, AP In the hours before Election Day, as inevitable as winter, comes an onslaught of dirty tricks — confusing e-mails, disturbing phone calls and insinuating fliers left on doorsteps during the night. The intent, almost always, is to keep folks from voting or to confuse them, usually through intimidation or misinformation. But in this presidential race, in which a black man leads most polls, some of the deceit has a decidedly racist bent. Complaints have surfaced in predominantly African-American neighborhoods of Philadelphia where fliers have circula...

Courtesy of the great Randal Graves , PALIN PUNKED! Prank Call with Fake French President Sarkozy . [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

I want to feel proud to be an American again. To me, the Obama family represents the best of America. He has got to win on Tuesday, November 4th . I kvell and get the chills every time I see pictures of them. Win, baby, win! [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

BEST OBAMA POSTER EVAH . Halloween night in WeHo. [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

The non-sequitur post from hell. If I was paying for an opinion, I'd fill out a survey or log into a Dr. Phil forum, or ask a friend. When I check-out at a store, all I want to be asked is, cash, credit or check? "Should you really be buying pretzels", wholey Foods clerkcunt asks. Between us, Glutino Pretzels are gluten/vegan free noshies ta'die for, and one of the greatest organic, diet worthy, health conscious foods created. Not to be eaten every day, but if you want to feel like you're having a real snack on a Saturday afternoon or whenever, they're delish. Back to clerkcunt. "How is the food I buy any of your business?" I asked. "I see you in here a lot and you always buy fresh veggies and fruit. I assumed you were on a diet. Why sabotage yourself?" I walked right over to a manager and said, "Your clerk is stalking me." After explaining what happened, he apologized. We walked back over to clerkcunt. The manager said "Ap...

I overheard a disturbing conversation the other day between two broads "The lines are soooo long for early voting, imagine how long they will be on Nov 4th? I might just blow it off." DO NOT BLOW IT OFF. ANYONE WHO THINKS THEIR VOTE DOESN'T COUNT, LEMME TELL YAS, IT COUNTS. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. Do not leave your vote in the hands of others. This is our country and we need to reclaim it (that was so Barbara Streisand meets Shirley MacLaine). Seriously, peeps... Vote! [ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ] Thanks for the links, Frannygirl!

If you missed it, here it is. Watch it for inspiration, hope and the promise of change, something I do believe This One will actually deliver. I'm so proud of my family. Each has been proactively involved in his campaign, from donating money to volunteering and getting the message out there: VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA and JOE BIDEN.

From my friend Patrick, Cabbage Patch Politics: Where McCain and Obama Can Both Win . Ha. Obama Leads or Is Tied in 8 Key States , fab. If we can turn our heads for just a wee minute from politics to, oh, I don't know, SEX. I have some delicious dish. My good friend Al Sensu is dispensing SEX ADVICE on Hard and Fast. Oh, man, this child was born to drop pearls of cum laced wisdom. Check it out, yo. You will not be disappointed: Deep Throat (you want to do it or get it), Anal Angst (how many times have we all said that?), I Lost my Female Best Friend (awww. I feel for the guy). After the read, e-stalk Al for advice. I have. Knock wood, I can now suck a bagel through an Asian man's cock. We all need a trick of the trade . God, I hope my father doesn't read that last bit...