Saturday, October 13, 2007

To Jewgirl From Christian Mortgage Company

Jesus spams me a lot. When you spend that much time schlepping on a cross, I suppose the idea of not schlepping something feels foreign. He's gotta hawk something, so why not mortgage. He's also sent me life and health insurance quotes. He's so busy with himself that Jesus.

In my box today. Not vadge, e-box, he sent me a low interest rate mortgage and vowed not to base his final decision on my religious or sexual orientation. Check out the highlights below.

Subject: Rates as low as 4.625%

You Could Start Your New Year with a Lower Mortgage Payment! Refinance Today! Spend 2007 with more money every month:
  • More money for credit payments
  • More money for car payments
  • More money for school payments
  • More money for life payments! Life Payments? The subtext feels very, for the extortionist, pedophile or embezzler in you.
Ok, this is my favorite part: Christian Family Loans is not affiliated with, or sponsored or endorsed by any religion or faith-based institution. This advertisement is not intended to express or suggest any preference, limitation or discrimination based on religion or other personal traits or status. Our lender matching service is offered to all persons without regard to their religious affiliations or beliefs and the lenders with whom you are matched, if any, are not selected based on any religious criteria. We do not know, nor do we inquire about your religion. Christian Family Loans will not enter into or maintain a relationship with anyone who does not conform to applicable anti-discrimination practices

Jesus needs to step up his game, yo. I wanted the promise of a rose colored fucking glass lie and all I got was this shitty, bring us your liberal, dirty jew, faggelah, lesbian, any faith welcome email! No way, man. Suck my ovaries. Bring it on, J-dawg. Man up. I fucked a "Mathew". Believe me, if anyone can take a lie, it's me.

It's an angry day. Deal. Love. Jew.


Bubs said...

Jesus has never, ever offered me financing. Never.

At the very best, he once offered to build my hotrod. Ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"Christian Family Loans will not enter into or maintain a relationship with anyone who does not conform to applicable anti-discrimination practices"

Translation- "we're don't care which god or demon you pray to when we have your money, because we and the A.R.M. that you assume are going to bleed you dry, right into foreclosure. Aaahhh-mennn."

Eric Riback said...

You know the saying...

Jesus Saves.

Moses Invests.

Madam Z said...

Jesus Fucking Christ! Just when you think the gonifs can't get any lower, there's this. Of course, the tragedy is that some poor, ignorant "Christian families" will sign up to be cornholed by these shameless creeps.

On a positive note: That illustration is heavenly! Did you photoshop it or find it, as is, somewhere?

Creepy said...

"Ignorant Christian families?" That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.


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