Monday, October 15, 2007

Shitting Pretty


My apartment manager and I are in the middle of a shit war. Without disclosing the contents of an essay about our shitistory (fear not, you'll be able to read it soon! As if, Schwartzy. Anywho), our shituation has escalated. After taking my toilet's hand in marriage without my consent, he came back to the scene of the crime to (wink-wink) check on who-the-fuck-remembers, so he could chat up a storm and shit himself into a frenzy.



Ever since I denied him that porcelain privilege, I've noticed a faint, yet noticeable stench of anal wretchedness that no ass should legally be able to produce, just outside my bathroom window a few times a week. What should be a grassy area between my building and the building next door is a gassy area thanks to shitfucker.



While sitting in my kitchen this afternoon, I caught him quietly skulking past me and towards my bathroom window. I ripped open the blinds and said, WHATRYA DOIN?! He was so stunned, he said, Oh, oh, oh, nada, nada-nada-pipes-pipes-pipes. How stupid does this yutz think I am?! I said, Listen you, I am onto you and your funky ass. If I jump through this window, will I unearth your private dumping ground? Because if I do, you have no idea what deep shit looks or feels like. I'm about to crack your ass wide open, buster. MOVE IT ALONG.



He sprinted from the scene of the crime. I don't know for certain if he was shitting back at me because I came between him and his lover. I don't want to find out. Alls I can tell ya's is if I smell that funk again, it's on, my friends. It is ON.



It's my own little version of Like Water for Chocolate ... without the sex--Thank God.

10 comments:

Madam Z said...

Schwartzy, you have BALLS OF STEEL! But if whatever you're planning doesn't work, you could plant a lot of poison ivy in the "gassy area." Of course, that'll take a while to get established. Maybe in the meantime you could let a lot of gerbils loose in the yard...

And ticks! Yeah...woodticks. They'd cling to his fat ass and give him Rocky Scrotum Spotted Fever. He won't stand a chance against the team of Jewgirl and ZZ Zapp!

Bubs said...

That is some weird, territory marking fucked up behavior going on there, girl. Seriously. He deserves whatever you see fit to inflict on him.

Beth said...

Gawd, I'm gaggin'. Maybe you need to move my way, doll.

virgotex said...

I think one of my fav. quotes from Trailer Park Boys is in order:

"We're sailing into a shit storm, Randy. Better haul in the jib before it gets covered in shit".

Writeprocrastinator said...

Good gravy, this guy is a terrorist of the gastro-intestinal persuasion!

Mister Mxyzptlk said...

Ther's sex in "Like Water for Chocolate"?

Mister Mxyzptlk said...

Speaking of chocolate, put on some rubber gloves and hide in the bushes back there. Next time he does it, jump out in front of him, reach down and stick a finger in it and give him a Dirty Sanchez before escaping back to your abode.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

This type of post is why I fucking love you my tiny Jewess.

Chaylene said...

Wait...so this guys is pooping under your window? POOPING under your window?!

I suggest a bear trap.

Dale said...

Throw toast at him but wait til it's hard and extra crusty.

 

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