Katie Schwartz

this from chief lewch: "The site is now up and running - please pop over and take a look. The magazine will be released on August 31st, so please sign up for the mailing list to receive your free copy of the Astonishing Adventures! magazine ePulp. The site itself will cover comic, DVD, movie, and genre interviews. We've just posted the first of the content tonight!"

girlistic magazine 's summer issue is live! run. read. now. this issue covers feminism & marriage. ooh yummy!!! don't forget it's freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. yahooooo-ewww-eww.

I feel guilty posting this actually because it's such a bubs post. really, bubs, you're the one who should be posting this, not me. so, I expect a cross-post. pushy enough? in flaaahrida, an employee refused to hand over more chili sauce and was shot... with a gun. yeah. ohhhkay. the employee cited company policy was to only hand out two sauces per bowl of chili. let's visualize that conversation, shall we? wackjob: can I please get a few extra hot sauces? manager: sorry, no. we're only allowed to give two per bowl of chili. wackjob: please??? I really need extra hot sauce. manager: sorry, it's company policy. only two per bowl. so he takes out a gun and shoots the kid. what the fuck is that about? I'm not advocating shooting someone by any means. it's such a trailereena move. but, if you're going to whack somebody over hot sauce, what kind of a fuckin moron doesn't want to go to the top of the food chain literally?!

look what jewgirl found, bustypedia . I went on a pedia tear this evening and found a gazillion pedias. so far my fave is titpedia . wackapedia . techapedia . ciggypedia . stitchopedia . petsopedia . catholicpedia . jewpedia . pornpedia . menspedia . but no peenpedia or penispedia. I want peenapedia. cuntopedia and vadgeopedia

he's so funny. love him. still, it has to be said. they feel more like twins than husband and wife, right?

shalomers laaahvahs.... any pulp writers amongst us???? did you know that lewchers has started a fan-fuck-off-tastic pulp magazine called astonishing adventures ?!?!?! pulp writers run like a dawg and submit . this magazine will be, well, ASTONISHING! the line up of writers so far is enough to make your vulva lips twitch and your cock hard as a rock. lewch is deliriously intelligent and a wildly talented writer and editor-in-chief. if you're not a pulp writer, support his magazine. read it and tell everyone you know about it. ps: be friends with astonishing on myspace . ppss: don't call him chief . he haaaaaaaaates that. so, call him chief. kidding, lewch, kidding.

photo credit: courtesy of our beloved lewchers . (thank you, dahlink. this made my day). that jessica simpson is so thoughtful. she's dispensing more introspective advice to those in need. "Hey everyone. I hope you are all doing well! I am getting ready to start MAJOR MOVIE STAR and I am so excited! I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." Michelangelo" Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing." These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength. "Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with our...

I'm menstruating. isn't that fabulous! menses commenced 48 hours ago. it's shock and awe betwixt my gentle thighs. I'm over the moon. I love menstruating. I could live without the cramps, but... whatrya gonna do?! did ya's read about the bomb threat at fallie's funeral ? in the true spirit of censorship, a liberty-u student was going to take out all of the protesters with a gasoline - detergent bomb . what a clever boy. he was going to give burning flesh that fresh spring scent with tide. I was hoping someone would lynch falwell's corpse and adorn him in a mint green taffeta gown with some paris hilton pink lipstick and a pair of last season jimmy choo's. I had a lovely white trash read, too, this week, short on truckers, haulers seek couples . the first sentence was just flawless: HELENA, Mont. -- Jim and Eva Sisler. that was all I needed to read to know the score. for you non-american readers, steak-seafood-sizzler , the all you can eat for 8 doll...

I am a snatch on wheels for falling behind on my blogging. ya's are so sweet leaving such fabulous reminders! thank you. I haven't been able to read my fave blogs either. all of that will be changing this week. I will be posting and reading all your delicious and fagulicious bloggies. can't wait :). pining hard. omgeers, did you read about falwell's funeral? no worries if you didn't, I'm posting about it. the shame...

leewee's posted a breath of content in her journal this week. Lisa Whelchel Weekly Journal May 11, 2007 Sabbatical From Writing “Dear friends, I am taking a sabbatical from writing for awhile. Please read through some of my archived “Coffee Talks” and don’t miss out on the journal entries from the “Family Dream” trip around America. Thanks for understanding and for your prayers during this time of being still and seeking to know Jesus with deeper intimacy.” Blessings, Lisa this was written before falwell dropped dead (speaking of falwell, top 10 still to come). how much deeper can she go with him? they've been in the closet together rockin' out to her ipod. she has chronic face-to-penis sessions with jesus. how much more intimate is she looking to be with the man? what does stillness have to do with jesus? do we know? correct me if I'm wrong, but he's a schlepper, a real mover and a shaker. I just don't see him as a still kinda guy. and, what about us, leewee...

best song every written. listen now. click. ga-head .

I cannot figure out how to use myspace. I am so myspace-tarded. I don't know how to invite friends, not that I know so many myspacers. and, nobody wants to be myspace friend. what the fuck?! come on, people. myspace me already! geez louise. oy vey katie myspace . show me what to do. give me a myspace-tutorial. oh, ps: how do you change backgrounds and shit?

hallelu and praise jesus, jerry falwell has peeled out. the spawn of satan himself is dead as a doornail. dead. dead. dead. he must be sooo bummed that he didn't make it to heaven. the top 10 reasons to celebrate the passing of jerry falwell will be posted in a few hours. ya'll come back now, ya heah! ooh, I am so excited, I'm as happy as a liberated gay, black hooker pullin' a train on the new zealand soccer team. yahoooooooooooooo-eww-ewww!!!!!!!!!!!

evidently... not. and, I'm pretty god damned pissed off about it, too. at the minute, I will admit that I am horizontally challenged. it's a shortcoming. it's changing. I will also admit that today while running errands, I flew out in sweats and a sweatshirt. hair was pulled back, but not in a scrunchie. those are just wrong on every level. I wasn't wearing make-up, but I had sunglasses on. anywho, juice and I were driving along minding our own business. we were stopped at a red light when said green card candidate glanced my way in a wanton way , which was quickly replaced with never-fucking-mind. never-fucking mind ?! AM I soooo grotesque that I'm not even worthy of being a green card bride? so what if that isn't on my to do list. that's not the fucking point. the point is that he should've wanted me, if for no other reason than to woo me for american citizenship. the fact that he didn't is just plain mean, so I called him on it because it's t...

if you live in fort worth, texas, drag your tuchas out to see amy guth on monday night! she's doing a reading of her book three fallen women . here's the dish: Monday, May 14th: Sixth Street Live 7pm sharp! 2736 W. 6th Street Fort Worth, TX

by way of our beloved creepy , I found this fabulous video. ricky gervais is a comic genius. this we all agree. -- well -- his interpretation of the bible will make you scream and pee. it is hilar squared and brilliant to the tenth power.

do not forget to cawl ma, and showah ha in love and chach, capisce?! to all the mamas that read jewgirl have a beautiful mother's day. don't forget to thank haysus for yer lil' blessings, ya hear. xoxox jewgirl dude, from brooklyn to little rock. oy, who does she think she is...

I am having a severely detached-from-myself day. it has been the most awkward, strange, surreal, bizarre day ever. should I really be shocked that at 6:30 this evening it got even weirder ? probably not. but, I am. the folks who groom my dog are simply lovely. a pair of the most festive queens you'd ever want to meet, in a pink saal-on in weho with a disco ball and paw signed photos of their groomables. (ps) juice did not make the fame wall, but that's ok. we're not into breed cuts. we're puppy-cut-oatmeal-bath purists. I scheduled a bath and a summer cut for the kid tomorrow @ noon. I got a call this evening at... 6:30. good. you're keeping pace. R : katie, D walked out today and I think he quit. ME : oh. really? R : yeah. he got into a HUGE fight with one of our customers about paris hilton. ME : w-w-w-what? R : yeah. the customer said that paris hilton's toenails were dirty and D screamed, "no, they weren't, you dirty lying hag." and he scream...

apparently paris isn't a fan of my people. let's not forget paris's feelings about poor, public school girls, fat people and african americans. you didn't see that video. oh, here ya go .

according to technorati, these are my top tags , you know, what all the way from oy to vey is about blair warner happy birthday jesus lisa whelchel random shit rants raves wp amy guth fartkisaf friday's fears insomnia john sims john sims activist lisa whelchel's journal meem menses menstruation subscription only christian blogs write procrastinator

shalom beautiful babies (swingers, but, you knew that, right?) don't forget to drag your tuchas's out to see amy guth's reading of three fallen women tonight at bookwoman Wednesday, May 9th Boookwoman 7pm-ish 918 W. 12th St. (12th & Lamar) Austin, TX

the queen of narcissism tops herself with a petition, free paris hilton. her friend joshua wrote it with paris's guidance and input of course . isn't that amazing? she did manage to write the intro to her petition on her myspace page all by herself. no, really. she did. see. paris hilton myspace : Monday, May 07, 2007 My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! NLINE PETITION CREATED TO SUPPORT PARIS HILTON To sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to Governor Schwarzenegger that I have created... please go here: htp://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781 I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition . please note the urgency. now onto the debacle petition : To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite . She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. Sh...

ladies, enough is enough. it's time for us to reclaim our mysterious lip style. we are killing our labia, splitting twins that were meant to work as one. we're not serving mclips with a side of fries. we're dishing up something way more delish (no offense to my beloved queens) . diva espanya sent me some serious lip centric sites (let us pray that even after she gives birth to the fruit, she will continue sending vadgey sites) . the camel toe report . famous toe , man toe and severe toe . the site is a .org. ballsy enough?! vote for my camel toe ! the shame... broads actually send in their vadgiest shots in the hopes of winning. winning what you ask? BUPKAS. top fuckin' toe. like that's gift enough?! and finally, the image... yet another toe link from diva ethpanya. grazie, babe. xoxoxox.

I found this pic at empty bottle . check it out. I'm going to read his site and see if it's something we can roll and love hard . he curses. I didn't see cunt anywhere. but, I could've sworn I saw fuck. read me . we'll see. no jury duty today. I have to call tomorrow @ 11:30. wp says I should Go the political-nihilist route and you'll get out. that's much easier than having to show my tits in this heat. geez fuckin louise, it is hotter than a hooker's pussy in shlock angeles. I am shvitsing like a whooo-a. I don't have central air, but I do have a, will put hair on your chest, it's so butch, air conditioning unit. at the minee, haglette the hellnine is positioned quite perfectly between said unit and the fan. forgive the boring post. tonight I'll be funny. no. really, I will. tomorrow maybe?

courtesy of eebie , australian fashion week reveals a big ol' lippy mess. looks like someone's givin' coco 's lips a serious run for their money.

there's a cunt broach in the world and I don't own it. fuck. cunt.cunt.cunt.cunt.cuntity.cunt.cunt.cunt. non sequitur of the day: cunt brunch. isn't that funny? it just popped into my head. who wants an invite?

-----Original Message----- From: autumn [mailto:sncvaswgrhoe@fratemail.com] Sent: Monday, May 07, 2007 12:30 PM Subject: it`s autumn Hi My name is autumn. I found your email. I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me. -- this is a fucking spam. autumn doesn't want to fuck me. clit teasing cunt. autumn meet kiera . kiera meet autumn. I'm sure the two of you will be very fucking happy together dining on your spam laden, musked up twatsicles.

"I don't shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women's perfume I've ever worn. I need something clean." - Keira Knightley are you fucking kidding me, skank twat? what is wrong with this broad advertising a musky box in desperate need of a cleaning, even if it is perfume saturated? the shame of it. for the love. ha mothah needs to chat with ha.

lil fyi... when someone is sneezing their head off and harkin and shmarkin like nobody's business, would it fucking kill you to say, let me call you later, after you've mainlined a few antihistamines? where's the decency? since when is that remotely interesting to listen in on? people suck ass, ahkay. I am in jewergy hell. I've been sneezing since 5 am. I'm delirious. do you hear me, de-fucking-lerious. I'm ready to chop my nose off and donate it to a phlegm sucking community. fuck allergies. fuck my nose. ya hear me, fuck you nose! argh. twice in your eyes.

rye rye over at earth observation has just posted the most fuck off fabulous, hilar squared video by eric schwartz called, keep your jesus off my penis . you have GOT TO SEE THIS. it is so smart and funny. ps: another rye-rye post... christian ??? it's a shocker! and, on a serious note, rye-rye has posted about the afa (american family association), this is superty important. protecting freedom of speech, my ass, more like perpetuating hate crimes against gay, lesbian and transgendered men and women. article & video the day they kicked god out of school . seriously. run.watch.read.now.

our favorite almost ready to burst she's so pregnant, diva , tagged me for a food meem . I love food, so this is wayyyy up fehatty's alley. (I still owe creepy , cpunchman and sprawling ramshackle meems, which I will do today. totally looking forward boychicks). the rules: List your top 5 favorite places to eat and tag 5 other people who live in different cities, states or countries (why isn't countries spelled cuntries ?) 1: I am a mexican food whore bag. I love it hard. guacamole makes my vulva lips twitch. el cholo is the closest thing to san francisco mexican food I've had in shlock angeles. mouth watering burritos. to die for beans and veggie fajitas that would make you rise from the dead and fuck a mortician. 2: I also love koohbahn food. versailles is off the hook. their vegetarian platters should be illegal, simple. traditional. yummalish. the most succulent and savory black beans and white rice I've ever had in my life (except for my venezuelan bff...

have ya's been following cpunchman's pretend interviews with lulu ? this is another series I've been meaning to post about. it's so damn funny, and just, well, good clean amurican fun. you have to read it! run.read.now.

have ya's been following guthy's guthmantics series ? you haven't? schmuck. it's fabulous. it's new and it's all about up and coming and established authors and their latest books. you must check it out. you will love it. run.read.now.

fun with fundies fridays is a new series doc has launched on her blog, into the sunrise . it's that perfect blend of terror and humor. fashion trends, a muffin manifesto that is not to be missed, and the face of fundamentalism at the end, and oy, so much more. check it out. run.read.now.

listen up AUSTIN, TX and FORT WORTH, TX, muffins, you're in for a super jewey treat, amy guth is doing a reading of her fabulous book, three fallen women . if you haven't read it, for the love... it is so brilliant, so exquisitely written, do yourself a favor and read it! Wednesday, May 9th Boookwoman 7pm-ish 918 W. 12th St. (12th & Lamar) Austin, TX Monday, May 14th Sixth Street Live 7pm sharp! 2736 W. 6th Street Fort Worth, TX

I know you're probably shocked to find out that I have shortcomings. well, wait. see I'm not so sure this particular issue is a shortcoming. though recent events have led me to believe that it very well might be. I've flossed three times today and still , I am no clearer. go figure. I always leave my keys in the car. not in the ignition, dumb ass. in the glove compartment or on the floor under my seat and I never lock it. I learned this from my father. his car has never been boosted. personally, I think it's smart. I never have to look for my keys. I always know where they are. if someone wants in, there's no need to break a window. simply open the door and knock yaself out. what pisses me off is when some schmuck does decide to bust in and doesn't have the god damned courtesy to shut the door. that's just rude. here I went to all this trouble to leave the car open and you don't have the decency to shut it? that's just dicky. I'm almost positive ...