Katie Schwartz

well, I'll be dipped in fat free, salty man juice. ain't this a vulva lip twitching comment. by george, anonymous can write. I damn near flooded the building. my neighbors had the red cross on speed dial. I think they were just hoping for free debit cards. keep the dream alive, my friends. this might be the same george. the george I knew was chuvvy. funny. big guy. balding at whatever age I knew him. 19, 20-1? he doesn't sound hot. he wasn't, but my god did he have charisma. he made me laugh. a lot. he was smart. he moved to lake tahoe and got thin. came back and tried to fuck me with a baggie. I'm smarter than that even when my olivia isn't. I think he was hungarian. and a heeblette, no? not that it mattered. his father was some fancy shmancy something. I don't remember. I wasn't a trust fund kid. I was a fat kid. did I ever blow you? just kidding. did I? how old are you? are we the same age? love the shiksa goddess yarn. stairway to heaven! was she you...

and so generous. each day, jc takes time out of his busy schedule to keep me in the christian loop, delivering all sorts of e-goodies to my inbox: christian mortgage products. christian debt counseling . christian singles sites . christian recipe's . so far my favorite sites have been the christian joke sites with an emphasis on clean humor. clean, meaning, they don't use bad words like, liberal, democrat, fiscal responsibility or budget. I didn't think it was possible for jc to outdo himself, but who better than the master of tricks himself. one of his trusted lackeys sent me an email today letting me know that by simply emailing her back, I will receive a 9 mm dollar inheritance to continue doing his work. the most amazing thing about her email was learning that jesus himself feels that I do good work. I knew jesus emailed me, of course, but I had no idea he made time to read my blog! especially now with yet another mid-east crisis. I assumed his vacation plans were squ...

dress up jesus dot com

yeah. you heard me. I HHHHHate fat rolling panties. the in case of emergency undies that sit at the bottom of your drawer. the ones you take out, out of necessity because you're too god damned fat and lazy to do laundry. they barely cover the beav and give you a sweet plumbers crack. spending hours taunting your fat roll to fit. mother fucking self esteem killing textiles! I should burn them. if I wasn't so laundry phobic, I would.

so, have you bought amy's book, three fallen women , yet? what are you waiting for? a personal invitation? consider this, that! amy guth is fabulous. funny. and one hell of a writer. she's also got a mascot for her book tour . it's hilar squared and most befitting. with august coming to a close, the countdown to the september 10th interview has begun::: amy guth, the wise crackin' feminist behind three fallen women

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as I was installing another encyclopedia this afternoon, I decided to read the packaging. know what it said? happy period I can't remember the last time I said to my sister, "guess what day it is?!" and she gleefully shouted, "oh my god... you're menstruating. yay! happy period, katie girl" like we should break out the cupcakes and candles, singing, "happy period to you. happy period to you. happy period dear katie. happy period to you." where's my fucking gift? I'm bleeding. apparently it's an occasion. I want my fucking gift, hallways.

I started menstruating at 8pm. I was minding my own craving-free-business when all of a sudden, whoosh, I was menstruating! quite frankly, I'm a little pissed. where the fuck were the uncontrollable-reduced-to-tears, salt fantasies or the heart palpitating sugar cum dreams. where was the life sucking exhaustion?! not a mood swing in sight. no rage. no crying. nothing. it was la-de-da - PERIOD! what the fuck? am I the new face of pms?! is this the future of menses? cause I really need some fuckin' continuity in my life right now and I really don't feel like adapting to yet another major life change without any forewarning or discussion. I had no encyclopedias. no gingerale. no salted tops. no painkillers. I was completely unprepared for the circus act to be in town. the sneak attack rags are always womb hostage cramp killers with those lovely random jolts of snatch pain that make your eyes water and your body go fetal. other then that, it was an, eh, day. I didn't get as...

this morning when louie jew and I were at the park, fanny pack made a cameo. it was all very exciting! the conversation went like this: fanny pack: good morning. (I did an over the shoulder glance as a "just in case" he wasn't speaking to me.) me: good morning to you. fanny pack: he sure can jump. (oh my god, you still have the bionic voice. oh, please do a slow motion bionic jump! please, please with sugar on top, please.) me: why yes he can! fanny pack: I'd hate to be that rope! the toy I throw to louie. I know. you know. whatever. me: laughing. laughing. laughing. gratuitous. gratuitous. gratuitous. bitchy or not, it was still a great bionic moment. I wanted to ask if his plastic surgery included any bionic capabilities but I thought that would be rude. do we know if bioboy is seemingly straight or a voracious bottom?

today, I was minding my own business while stopped at an intersection. I drive a 30-year-old bmw. it ain't flashy. but it's a sweet ride ... to me. albeit not very jew-c of me. but, it was free. it's in mint condition with only 50,000 miles. believe me, my grandmothers are plotzing in heaven from this deal. so, all of a sudden I hear a loud vroom, vroom, vrroooooom next to me. I look over and see mr. midlife crisis, clearly working on wife #3, driving some obnoxious orange cock extender on wheels, staring at me while revving his engine. BUT WAIT. believe me when I say it wasn't sexual. don't hock. let me be in the epicenter of my self esteem crisis in peace. thank you, dahlings. he mouths, "it's on!" mind you, I'm having a perfectly jewrific sunday. I'm driving with my dog, louie, listening to the way we were. a little, sailing by christopher cross. the rose. louie's popping his head out the sunroof. no the window. no the sunroof. I'm d...

even when cormac brown is out of town, he manages to spin one hell of a yarn! check it out, " they call her the breeze ". it's a quick, great read with lots of twists and turns.

here's a dame with moxie, amy guth . acclaimed writer and anti socialite with an absolute point of view. read her rantings . buy her book, three fallen women . now. not later. come on! she's fabulous. check back on sunday, september 10th to read her interview: amy guth, the wise crackin' feminist behind three fallen women

migrate the goods from: katie schwartz , all the way from oy to vey by a feminish jew or kosherkunt thanks to my new pal, al , who spins one hell of a fuck yarn.

last night during my daily vocab run, I hit jack ass jimmy's blog. via his blog, I clicked to a five minute video clip of anne coulter on hardball . not to be hack or anything, but the incendiary interview made me want face time with the cunt, to ask tough-goddess- christiane amanpour , questions. as luck would have it, I found her cunt's email address online, abyss@coulter.com . within five minutes of clicking send, she emailed me back. guess she's not quite the busy beaver I thought she'd be. after a few emails back and forth, she granted me permission to interview her via instant messenger. she was very forthcoming. those of you who can't handle strong language are advised NOT TO read the interview. me: thank you so much for this interview. I really appreciate it. cunt: my pleasure! I always welcome an opportunity to speak my mind. people have a very negative image of me, of who they think I am. me: can you elaborate for us, please? cunt: like so many of my si...

I always do a read receipt when I send vimp emails and guess what, yoplait deleted my email!!! check it out: Your message To: Consumer Services-Yoplait Subject: RE: Yoplait Website Response 2006/08/24-1878 JMP Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 19:37:37 -0500 was deleted without being read on Sat, 26 Aug 2006 07:15:55 -0500 I read an article. I gotta stop reading... about carmine in yoplait yogurt , not laverne and shirley's carmine, the crushed beetle, carmine. I was pretty disgusted, so I emailed them a very, consumer in distress mode, email. come on, it's crushed fucking beetles. wouldn't you?! From: Consumer Services-Yoplait Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 5:29 PM To: katie schwartz Subject: Yoplait Website Response Dear Ms. Schwartz: Thank you for contacting Yoplait regarding carmine used in Yoplait yogurt. Carmine is a naturally derived red color extracted from the dried shells of the cochineal beetle. Carmine is an FDA approved ingredient and is commonly used in many fo...

" Tom Cruise realizes he crossed a line when he criticized Brooke Shields last summer for her use of antidepressants, a colleague of the actor says. "That, he deeply regrets," Kathleen Kennedy, who produced Cruise's War of the Worlds with Steven Spielberg, tells the New York Daily News." I guess someone's bride of scientology, hatie better off homeless, has developed an alarming case of post partum cutting. Or the cult of scientology really wants a fucking paycheck. whatever the reason, someone needs to tell mary that she can't skulk back into her creepy, vile, uneducated, dumb ass freak closet and exit "normal." though my aunt fudgie always says, "katealah, the damage is only done when you're six feet under," I'm sure she'd exclude mary cruise.

my neighbor went from being polly pleasant to an epic snatch. bitch moves in. bitch asks me IF I see fed ex IF I will buzz them into the building so they can leave her high cuntness her cuntmanual. I agree. what the fuck do I care. I'm not signing anything and it's only IF I run into them. she thanks me, blah, blah, blah. newsflash, I didn't run into fedex so I couldn't let them in. well, I ran into her cuntness yesterday and she shot me a demonic glare. I thought to myself, ya know what, ya vile non-leash using, nazi dog owning, jewgirl from hell, who died and made you queen of the cunts, huh? get off the snatch express, gaaaaaaaahd.

I tried to change the name of my blog today to frenulum , but it was taken. so are, cunt , slut , and cum guzzling whore . mother bitch!

doc at into the sunrise posted a fly nerd test. I failed miserably: 71% scored higher (more nerdy), and 29% scored lower (less nerdy). what does this mean? your nerdiness is: not nerdy, but definitely not hip.

crouton 2008 ! and... the trouble with keeping a house clean . the girl makes a point and this post is hilar squared. seriously. you'll pee.

he gets creepier by the minute, doesn't he? I'd hate to be a boy trapped under his pussy. he should just get a sex change.

1) she's a "show", not "tell", girl 2) since her divorce, she wants to make 100% certain that men know she still has a pussy 3) she's ready to date the blind 4) she's more than just a pretty face 5) she's en route to a lesbian luncheon 6) she's going to the pleasure chest and doesn't have time to try IN vibes. she needs to roll up to a clerk and say, "do you have anything in my size?" 7) she was hoping to offset the white bag bashing after labor day that would've ensued 8) see! I told you my lips matched! 9) she feels like nobody pays any attention to her. the lips are a last stitch effort 10) she's auditioning for a lip salve commercial

paris hilton, "my album is so good it makes me cry" if you say so, creepy. When I was little," she tells Blender magazine for its September issue, she was forced to practice piano, violin and guitar "every day ... since I was 11. My mom made me." All the practice seems to have paid off: Of her new album, she tells the magazine: "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good." she doesn't cry. she like cries. how do you like cry? do tears stream down your pussy until you calmly say, "oops, wrong gash." "People go crazy," she says. "They love it. Everyone's like, 'Who is this?' I don't tell. Because I don't want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. I think when people don't know it's me, they won't judge it. But if they know it's me, then they'll be like, 'Ugh.' They won't even dance." ah, our little std is growing up...

if you want to laugh your cunt off, read vocab's latest posts... lessons learned and can I get an amen

it's no secret that I am ocd about christian blogs. I know. don't hock. I read a post tonight on one of my christian blog runs and I am so completely disturbed by it, i can't even begin to tell you. I feel violated. nauseas. disgusted. the post is called, the blessing of an adult daughter at home . it is so creepy in a david koresh personal ad meets chick who's been mainlining way too much jesus!

is alive! I see him walking many mornings just outside of my neighborhood. I'm always shocked. not from his over indulgence in face lifts and nose jobs. but, the fact that he's still got a pulse. and that he actually wears a fanny pack. a real live honest to goodness fanny pack. every time I pass him, I just want to make the bionic, da-na-na-na-na sound under my breath, but I don't. you know what's even more upsetting?!?!? that I don't even want to suck his six million dollar man cock. that is so bothersome, I can't begin to tell you.

... you're so fucking bored and life sucked at your day job, that your response to a perfectly professional inquiry is as follows: joke : horse walks into a bar. bartender says, "hey, man. why the long face." anecdote : this weekend, my best friend asked me if I wanted to get married. I told her that I don't think I ever want to be someone's wife. she looked at me like I should give up my rights to womanhood. ideas : floating pollen suckers. this would eliminate the majority of outdoor allergies concerns : that I need to replace my blackberry. comments : appetizers are much tastier than entrees. etc .: sometimes I think I should get my dog, louie, some shoes. dogs are only issued one set of paws. this seems impractical. where's the back up plan?

read! the girl is onto something and it's pretty god damned funny!

I have three articles due today that I really don't feel like writing. I write questionable content under a pen name. don't even think about asking me what that content is, cause I ain't spillin'. I'm so god damned frustrated for a change, but I am getting closer to building a bridge and getting over it. I just never, in a million years thought I'd be "here" where I am at this point in my life. I know, 90% of people feel the same way. GOT IT. doesn't make it any easier. yes, I'm grateful for many things. still, it doesn't diminish the agida. people suck. I need benadryl. louie is so cute. gotta run. we're going for a drive along the coast and then to play some catch on the beach. that should clear the ol' noggin. eh who cahes.

here's a heads up... aol is now free . that's right, free, F-R-E-E. for those of you who don't know and are still being charged like I was, get on the horn to them right now by logging into your aol account. type in keyword: billing live support, cancel and get your money back. I don't use aol anymore except for IM, but I wanted to keep my email address because I've had it for 10-years until I've completely migrated everyone over to my gmail. not so easy to do believe me. two weeks ago the service became free regardless of their broadband provider and one week ago they charged my card $239! I was furious. got a full refund. I suggest you do the same...

have ya'll read steve martin's passion of the christ script notes ? it is so funny! read it. Dear Mel: We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great. You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? The creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: Spectator one: 'Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself?' Spectator two: 'He can only use his powers to help others, never himself.' Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud. Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit: Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5...

of course smellG is a jew hatin' prick. poor thing has had to really keep that bit of trivia to himself. but my mother made a really great point... as vile as he is, studios that are pulling his movie deals are condoning censorship. I don't have to see his movies ever again, and I won't. but, his voice shouldn't be stifled. if it is, we're dictating what is appropriate to say and what isn't. that's just wrong. interesting, no?

but that doesn't mean I don't still love my breasts... I do. we're thick as thieves, tight as we ever were. metaphorically speaking of course. I need change. why not. so, I figured a blog makeover. can't hurt. if we hate it. I'll change it back. at least it's an attempt at change. I am pathetic.

there is nothing that puts pep in a girl's step like the promise of a new piece of ass, especially when her life feels like meaningless, obsolete trash. that spurt of amnesia is a welcomed reprieve. yeah, I know, I'm being negateeva. whatever. he's a most fuckable distraction. he'll ever bend me. I'm just not in that bending place these days, but it sure is a lovely thought.

for no other reason than he just popped into my head. when I was 19 and attending college in san francisco, we were friends. almost fucked. but, didn't have a condom and I just didn't feel confident with the baggie wrapped around his pleasure plunger

new word: jewfu... jewish funeral. sounds good, right? my day sucked big unmanageable fat ass today. between my big fat cravings for french fries, peach pie, pizza and strawberry shortcake, and my wannabe thin brain force feeding fehatty cabbage salad with slivered, toasted almonds tossed in a light champagne vinaigrette it was a fatotamous (dichotomous) fuckin day. I drove through the mcdonalds drive through twice today just to smell the fat. It was creepy. Especially when the toothless wonder asked me what I was having and I said, “a sniff.” she got all bitchy with me. whatever, ho bag. like you really give a shit about the company. I went into a new thrift store today. cute chachkaramas and furney circa 1960s. one stupid glimpse at a lampshade and the owner was all aglow, like I was going to offer up my fat beige ass for a matching pair of floor to ceilings.

I weighed my bitches tonight. 10 pounds each. no wonder my back hurts. neil at citizen of the month wants to know how I weighed the twins. it was all very bette midler... I threw the scale onto the counter, then I hurled the hooters out of my bra and onto the scale. it was pretty god damned traumatizing if the truth be told.

this is a lovely and sweet ongoing series by verbs , so be sure to check her blog for updates. it's just fab. beware of crouton crouton revealed crouton crouton resurfaces

so, I got tagged by crionaberry ... you know, my dear friend, verbs . this is my first tag, too. should I feel violated? I hope this makes me cum. 10 years ago... 1. I could wipe my ass without pulling a muscle 2. I didn't pee a little when I laughed too hard 3. I was much more fuckable 4. I was hotter 5. I was thinner 6. I was fucking many men 7. I was more interesting 8. I was terminating my starter marriage 9. I still had low hanging two ton torpedo tits, but with much more interesting nipple structure 10. I wasn't a bitter, vile cunt 5 years ago... 1. I was in nyc 2. I was happier 3. I had hope 4. I had faith 5. I was fucking more puerto ricans :) 6. I was fucking more italians :) 7. I fucked someone in confession... that was hot 8. I was funny-er 9. I was cute 10. I was living between bitter cunt lane and muster some hope, bitch, way one year ago... my life started falling apart at the seams 5 songs I know all the words to... 1. delta dawn. hi! jew. it's like the talmu...

well I'll be dipped in shit. if this ain't a match made in de-vorce heaven, I don't know what is. let's celebrate jr's foray into living out his father's darkside squared. triplets. wow. like he hasn't fucked all three. come on! you're not going to comparison shop the pussies?! the hell you won't, and don't! she must suck a mean little cock.

madonna's good deeds and not so good deeds While the orphanage has no religious affiliation, the center will offer programs based on Spirituality for Kids, Kabbalah's children's program. why can't these famous religious zealots, regardless of zealot affiliation just help the poor without some religious contingency clause?! why?! it is so insulting and rude to not accept the spiritual and religious history and rich cultural traditions of other nations, tribes and cultures. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd

kyle xy, the new abc family series seen it? see it. kyle is a faggelah, packaged solely for bear daddy's and chicken lovers. that boy doesn't have a straight bone in his trying-to-be-17, really-21-year-old body. so, where are the christians? they can call square pants a big gay agenda pushing sponge, but kyle is a straight kid promoting good family values?! he's a computer without a belly button, screaming for a cock up his ass.