Katie Schwartz

what is the percentage of married men more likely to trip and fall into a pussy versus a woman tripping and falling onto a cock? does anyone know?

I finished my two essays this weekend. one is definitely done. the other needs to be tweaked. I'm still in the, this-is-so-fucking-hack-I-suck-and-I-haaaaaaaaaate-it, phase. it'll pass by the end of the day tomorrow. one more to go...

I have been perusing christian blogs again. I can't help myself. everything is in the name of the lord. it fascinates the hell out of me. for example, in lw's blog this week, she's in the closet listening to music because god wanted her to, for like hours. OK. how? did he call her? what was the sign that she got from him to shlep into a closet and worship him? it sounds SOOOO oral sex to me. we all have a mainline to god, but these zealots get messages that we don't. curious, no?

"I saved the world in Spain from all of these crazy terrorists, and nobody appreciates it! all they want to do is steal my money. If I die there might be a nuclear war, but Anastasia is so tired of protecting the world as nobody has ever loved or protected me."

it's a confession that I hate to admit, but it's true. I can listen to the same song for days on end over and over and over again. I can eat the same food for weeks on end, too. I've decided this is weird.

fat clapper , fat wifey , fat , fat girl crashes , fat woman , very fat girl , fat parasailing , fat boy falling , and, finally, fat guy dancing these are the most shameful displays of self loathing I have ever seen. there is no way on god's green earth, I would drag my chubbette ass in front of a video naked and then submit it for the world to see.

I have these two essays that I need to finish by the end of the weekend and I've reached the point in writing them where I've decided they're hack and tiptoe-y... I'm not much of a skirt-the-issue, writer. who knew she could be such a tepid-pussy-bitch?! as the weekend approaches, I have one wish, that bush gets caught in a circle jerk with rummy, oral and cheney. this would make me so happy! I have to get my car smogged and registered today. ugh. so NOT in the mood. I also have to go to work. maybe I'm ovulating.

you know you're crazy when: "I think I won the Nobel Peace Prize in poetry. Is this why everybody stopped speaking to me? Or is it because we got back my recording money/trust fund?"

you get a phone call from a 78-year-old woman requesting racy content for her phone sex website, a supplement to her monthly social security. in her zeal to passionately convey her message, she demonstrates all of her sassy phone sex voices for you, the sultry asian, the husky african queen and the naughty catholic school girl. the whole thing made me want to call my 86-year-old aunt fudgie and tell her I found an idyllic work from home, part-time gig for her. she would be perfect for the role of dominatrix. she's a pushy dame from new york with more moxie in her pinky then most people have in their entire bodies. I can just imagine her first seduction... fudgie: whom-I-tawkin-to? horny cock: hung stallion. fudgie: get outta here! horny cock: but that's my name. fudgie: your mothah did not give you that name. horny cock: fine. it's stanley. fudgie: what the hell is a nice jewish boy calling an 86-year-old woman for phone sex?! horny cock: I can't believe it's costin...

so funny !

By Ray Richmond It was nice to see common sense carry the day for a change when the California Supreme Court unanimously ruled last week that sexually-explicit banter in the writers room at "Friends" did not violate the rights of the fired writers' assistant (read: disgruntled former employee with ax to grind) who filed the original lawsuit. To put it another way: the writers room is once again safe for trash-talk about Courteney Cox's genitalia. While this may not seem like a giant leap forward for creative freedom, trust me that it is. The 7-0 decision by the high court shooting down the sexual harassment argument brought by the dismissed Amaani Lyle in her suit is encouraging. First Amendment rights of free speech still hold water, even in an industry whose artistic independence is under increasing scrutiny and threat. What's more disturbing is that this made its way so far up the judicial food chain in the first place. That it would be deemed a test-case piece...

because one trailer baby just isn't enough. I guess if you're going to balance out the double wide, it's best to have two on either side. what I'm having a difficult time accepting is that twitney procreates with hairline. isn't it disgusting enough that she fucks him and probably swallows his jiz? the very idea that his sperm resides inside her body and actually makes a trailer baby is severely nauseating. wait... maybe I shouldn't be disgusted. I think I've just discovered the perfect diet secret!

Martin: More work needed on indecency By Paul J. Gough LAS VEGAS -- FCC Chairman Kevin Martin told broadcasters Tuesday morning that an industrywide effort to get parents to control their children's viewing isn't going to satisfy the commission's efforts on indecency. A day earlier at the National Association of Broadcasters' annual convention here, NAB president David Fehr and former MPAA president Jack Valenti strongly backed a $300 million ad campaign that informs parents about the V-chip and other blocking technology, including program ratings, that exists on their TVs. "I'm not sure that's the complete answer," said Martin, who spoke at a breakfast session before a decidedly cool audience at the Las Vegas Hilton. He said that FCC research found that as much as 40% of the nation's TV sets don't have V-chips or other blocking technology. He pointed out other problems as well, including some programs that aren't rated including live sport...

LAS VEGAS -- FCC chairman Kevin Martin told broadcasters Tuesday that an industrywide effort to get parents to control their children's viewing isn't going to satisfy the commission's efforts on indecency. A day earlier at the National Assn. of Broadcasters' annual convention here, NAB president David Fehr and former MPAA chief Jack Valenti strongly backed a $300 million campaign that informs parents about the V-chip and other blocking technology, including program ratings, that exists on their TVs. "I'm not sure that's the complete answer," said Martin, who spoke at a breakfast session at the Las Vegas Hilton. He said that FCC research found that as much as 40% of the nation's TV sets don't have V-chips or other blocking technology. yes, the bush regime so wise, so all knowing, they know what's best for america's young minds . that's the spirit! eliminate responsibility from parents and let the government make decisions about what...

I am a kvetchy, whiney pain in the ASS these days. I gotta knock it off. I am so annoying, I don't even want to be in my own company. how shameful is that?!

according to my platonic male friends, I ask inapropriate questions for a straight chick. ie: 1. does she have a nice rack? 2. is she putting out? if not, how come she gets boyfriend privileges? 3. is she good in bed? 4. does she suck a mean cock? tags: sex + humor

those who live in liquored up houses should not throw glass bottles! tags: sex + humor

my apt. manager came by to remove my air conditioner and replace it with a larger one, the gazillion btu's one that I spent $300 on. I'm an air whore. still, I noticed blood spots on the new air conditioner. where's the blood coming from? I thought, do bleeding air conditioners count as a jesus miracle? if so, who can I call to arrange PAID visitation for my unit. they can kiss it, fondle it, fuck it, I really don't care as long as I make a few duckets along the way. as it turns out, he was bleeding. what's disgusting is that I didn't have a god damned money making miracle!

hi, i'm a programmer at craigslist. i assure you that staff wouldn't have removed that posting for being offensive or outside any sexual norms- we see much more 'outside' stuff daily. however, this posting looks like it was miscategorized- it was in "temporary gigs" rather than a personals category, where i think you would agree it belongs. that's not grounds for taking steps like blocking the user's IP, of course, but if the user persistently posts daiper-fetish ads in that category, i imagine our customer service people would first ask him to post in a personals category, and then block him if he continued to post in temporary gigs. in this case, i'm not sure if the user is actually blocked due to consistent abuse, or if the original poster was exaggerating by saying s/he'd had him blocked. that particular posting was "flagged down", that is, removed from the site by the action of a number of users flagging the posting as being misc...

there is a new strain of alcoholic, the passive aggressive hobbyist, the one that thinks ripping you a new asshole is sport. whatever happened to the 50s alcoholic, the one that minded their own business and shut the fuck up, huh?! where did that lusheen go?!?!? for the love of god, can we PLEASE bring that alcoholic BACK!

1. when everyone around you is successful and you're swimming knee deep in shit, and your friends have the audacity to say, "cheer up. brighter days are ahead." all you want to do in response to this oblivious, fucked up statement is rip their eyeballs out and pee on their brain! 2. while pondering the benefits of dying young, you realize not aging to the point of incontinence could be a perk. 3. the highlight of your day is the end of it. 4. you open the jc penny free gift spam and actually read it.

I was cruising through sitemeter. love to see who comes from where to get to me. anyway, I happened upon a blog with a very intriguing profile: "I attend a Pentecostal Christian church every Sunday and wholly believe in the resurrection, in being born again and sanctified by the blood of Jesus Christ, and in being baptised in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. It's not religious to be a Christian; it's ignorant not to be." I always love a new spin on zealotry.

once in awhile, I freelance for a shit hole company in beverly hills. the office I sit in overlooks an alley. at 3:00 pm this kid rolls up in his 70s oldsmobile with super tiny tires and tricked out frames. he has a modest afro, severely baggy clothing and regards himself as a hardened young brothah; blasting vintage tupac. ok. here's what KILLS ME. kid goes to beverly hills high school. I know this because he has a BHHS sticker on his bumper. he rolls into a fuckin' plush ass three story townhouse. what mean streets of beverly hills did he grow up on? I'd LOVE to see this kid in stuyvesant square. let's see how she fairs there!

I love cruising the personal ads on craigslist. it's mindless entertainment. some guy wrote an ad seeking a woman who is into the diaper fetish. you know, the whole adult-diaper-bottle-treat-me-like-a-baby, thing. whatever. it's not my thing. it's not the thing for many people. so what. who cares?! that's irrelevant. but, here's what is relevant. some ingrown cunt hair (below) had his IP address banned from craigslist for posting his ad (below). she's just an ignorant shameful moron who has no sense. even more horrific and egregious is that IF it's true that craigslist is advocating banning him, and DID, than craigslist is supporting and practicing censorship. **I checked and his post was removed.** check it out... if it's true, write to craigslist and speak out against this because it's so offensive! OPEN-MINDED MOMMIES NEEDED Reply to: gigs-152325948@craigslist.org Date: 2006-04-18, 1:43PM I am looking for an open-minded mommy or nanny who can baby...

one day last year, I decided to search for all the katie schwartz's I could find and email them. here is what I wrote: Hi Katie Schwartz. I'm Katie Schwartz, too. Nice to meet you. I am contacting all of the Katie Schwartz's I can find online to see if we have any similarities. Here are a few questions. if you would be so kind as to email me back, that would be great. 1. are you jewish? 2. are you chubby? if not, have you struggled with a weight problem? 3. would you say that you're a well humored bird? 4. are you orally inclined 5. do you have dark hair and olive skin or light hair and fair skin? 6. do you come from a large, loud family? 7. are you neurotic and obsessive compulsive? 8. what are your career aspirations? that's it. thanks so much for taking the time to email me back. I will send you my responses to the same questions I asked you if you wish and forward along all the others. all my best, katie schwartz not one katie schwartz emailed me back! how nervy...

katie schwartz:: isn't that appropriate houseinthehood :: love his blog. he's remodeling his house south beach diet:: oh well, I guess it could be worse. I could come up on atkins. slutty names:: what a victory for katie

does everyone know the chicken story? what a fabulous yarn that was. I will never forget watching jan, in tears, telling her story of how she revived chicken from the dead. it goes like this: (southern drawl and all) I once had a pet chicken and we named it, chicken. one day we come out of the house and chicken ran right out into the street. chicken was hit by a car. chicken was dead. our chicken named, chicken was a lifeless lump. my sister and I cried over chicken's body. we was crying and crying and crying. then we decided to pray. and we prayed. and we prayed. prayed for chicken to come back to life. suddenly our chicken named, chicken took a deep breath and popped right up. chicken was alive! chicken was alive! I wonder if she wore two wigs at that time, too...

The birth "was everything that we wanted it to be," the actor, who once hopped up and down on a couch to profess his love for Holmes, said in an interview on ABC's "20/20." "It was spiritual. It was powerful. It was indescribable," he said in the interview broadcast Friday. "What words can you use? It's still something that I'm processing and keep reliving." I feel so sorry for his two children. talk about feeling like chopped liver! should we feel sorry for suri, the red dot nosh, too? yeah.

that sounds so fucking escalon-mud-fucking-sprout-eating nutjob, but it's true. I'm not sure what's more productive, focusing on my intense hate and anger, or severe and inapropriate envy. they're both such vital emotions that provide endless hours of bottoming out. I suppose I should go with the one that leaves me the most drained. oh, what's a girl to do, emotional accessorizing is so time consuming, isn't it?!

so, this morning while I was at the park with louie, some guy with his dog says to me, "I come here to pray." seems more like a canine driven spot, but ohkay. pray away. one would think that would dissuade him from further communication, but oh no, not this born again christian boy. he says, "I'm a christian and christians are jews. we really love your people. our faith is rooted in judaism. we shouldn't even be called christians, we should be called disciples of jesus who was a jew by the way." I look like jewey?! ok, so I do. but, I also look italian or spanish. according to him, I was a super jew. what pissed me off, is while he was hockin me to go to his church in santa monica and spewing his jew to christian, christian to jew yarn, he's staring at the twins! shameful little shit. I finally said to him, "my ears are a little bit higher." he was mortified. I was pleased.

... can kiss my fat jew ass!

it's comforting to know that I, a red blooded woman, can sustain an erection, get a degree online, swallow cheaper valium and reside in a newly refinanced house anywhere I damn well please.

NEW YORK (April 20) - Dave Givens drives 370 miles to work and back every day and considers his seven-hour commute the best answer to balancing his work with his personal life. Givens, a 46-year-old electrical engineer, has an extreme commute between home in Mariposa, Calif., and his job in San Jose. He leaves home before dawn and returns after dark. would it KILL THIS MAN to take a small studio in san jose from monday to thursday? what kind of a schmuck spends 7 hours in a car 5 days a week. I would shoot myself in the head. ps: I know I'm being judgmental. hi. that's the point.

I've been thinking. It's a problem.

I'm a chewy jew. I have chewy jew roots. we're not skilled in the art of alcoholism. foodism and cocaine in the 80s, sure. but not drunkards. lushing it up would negatively impact our eating time, and it could hinder our ability to wield the kind of guilt that took thousands of years to cultivate. thank god, I have irish catholic best friends and close friends. otherwise, I would be a complete moron when it comes to alcoholism 101. as one of my best friends, also named, katie, said, "missy, let me give you the 411. pink elephant in the room. nobody ever discusses it. it's totally ignored. it's all about denial." so, I have this alcoholic in the mist. she's no joke when it comes to drinking. when she gets liquored up, hell hath no fury. she's so vicious. her dark side is in full affect. she's so inappropriate, it's not funny. I was talking about it with my sister tonight. sort of a brainstorm session if you will. like, ok, we acknowledge there i...

suri and moses. talk about jacked names. let's discuss. suri. please. she's a fucking red dot nosh. a scientologist freak show. hi. quiet birth. if I ever get knocked up, I'll be the one on an oxycontin drip, screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing everyone out. because it's the right thing to do. moses. that is so fucking green card gardener and I'm a jew. why not just name him, friendless-cheap-bastard!

I started the south beach diet and abandoned weight watchers. doctors orders. whatever. it's not bad, it's just reprehensibly dull. hi. do you see onion rings on south beach? exactly. it's so healthy, it's like a fucking colon fantasy.

I don't want to clean my house because it cuts into my 'hate time'. I have allocated a certain amount of hours in the day to experience great disdain, loathing for self and others, bitterness and burning frustration. those people who say, 'you attract what you put out.' go fuck yaself. talk about utter bullshit. regardless of how positive or proactive or whatever the fuck goodness you exude, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. no matter how much you love something or someone, it doesn't mean it's going to come to fruition. or that wanting something enough manifests it either. right now, I hate. I hate. I hate. that is what I feel. that is where I am at.

Court Orders Deportation After Adventurer Fails to Get Passport Stamped Anyone deported from Russia is usually barred from returning for five years -- a bitter blow for Bushby, who after seven years of walking is about halfway through his 36,000 mile trek. The court in the settlement of Lavrentiya fined Bushby and Dimitri Kieffer, an American who helped him cross the treacherous ice bridge, 2,000 rubles ($72) and ordered both to be deported, Bushby's support team in Britain said. Bushby set off from the tip of South America in 1998 and planned to return to Britain -- via Russia -- in 2009. The object of the trip is to follow an unbroken route on foot. well, it's about fuckin' time, isn't it?!?!?!?! what kind of a fuckin' non-jewey moron spends 11-years schlepping through continents, so he can claim he walked unbroken terrain on foot?! are you fuckinin kidding me?!?! he's 37-years-old. he'll be 48. what's he thinkin' an 11-year tour by foot is really ...

wasn't there a band called, putySTANK. or is that a slang term, and I've totally missed the "hip" cue?!

he's famous . I know it's creepy. forgive the katie.

bull riding . I'm obsessed. every time I watch, I feel SO GUILTY. I hate that they tie these poor bulls balls. It's horrific. totally disgusting and wrong on every level. I'm a vegetarian! but I do wear leather. I'm not a veggie for political reasons. it's an allergy to meat and seafood. the only meat I can have is cock. anyway, shame on me for watching bull riding , but I love it. it's so bible belt. plus, the crotch shots are fantastic! and their all so stupid. the announcers are a riot, so full of themselves. always praying, hocking. blah blah blah. you know that stupid song, martika's kitchen ? it popped into my head and I can't fucking get it out! I haaaaaaaaaaated that stupid fuck nut of a song. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd

keeps dropping! there is a god and he is a democrat!

tad wimmer:: who is tad wimmer and why is my blog coming up on that search? homeless hottie:: my sister ran into hottie homeless the other day. apparently he's gotten rid of the stretch ball clothing and shaved his head. making his homeless allure even more enticing. vaginal rejuvination:: always creepy katie's world:: I think I'm flattered :) women suspended in air:: again, how is this possible? fuck my mom:: this is just wrong on every level. humdinger vibrator:: ?!

while I was playing catch with louie jew at the patch of grass, some women in a fucking volvo stopped her car, got out and screamed, "excuse me. excuse me. you are on school grounds. you're not allowed to have your dog on the grass. there's even a sign that says so." I was like, huh?! then I got pissed off and said, "what do you care? it's not your school." and she said, "I'm telling on you if you don't stop it right now." what are we, fuckin 10?! I didn't stop. what do I care. so she pulls forward and stops, sitting in her car, glaring at me through her rearview mirror. I wanted to scream, go fuck yaself. I felt so sorry for her daughter. you know she HAAAAAAAAAATES her mother. her mother is annoying cunt bag who needs her gash pulverized by some well hung laborer instead of the nebbish fuck nut who loathes sleeping beside her night after night. someone make this bitch cum!

Tuesday Apr 11, 2006 4:00pm EST By Stephen M. Silverman with Susan Mandel Oprah Winfrey is a rich woman – and she's got no problem with that. Speaking in Baltimore on Monday at a fundraiser for Beth Tfiloh Dahan Community School, Winfrey told the audience, "I have lots of things, like all these Manolo Blahniks. I have all that and I think it's great. I'm not one of those people like, 'Well, we must renounce ourselves.' No, I have a closet full of shoes and it's a good thing." Winfrey, 52, who is reportedly worth more than $1 billion, said she doesn't feel guilty about her wealth. "I was coming back from Africa on one of my trips," she said. "I had taken one of my wealthy friends with me. She said, 'Don't you just feel guilty? Don't you just feel terrible?' I said, 'No, I don't. I do not know how me being destitute is going to help them.' Then I said when we got home, 'I'm going home to sleep on my ...

you have to read this post by write procrastinator . it is funny!!! you're gonna howl and pee a little.

pick up a paper, any paper. in it you will find a montage of celebrities claiming abuse these days. ya know what, go fuck yaself. ya got more money than god, and the resources to go to therapy. your father felt you up. your mother called ya a cunt. you're husband slapped ya around a little. ok. fix it. why are they brave and courageous for sharing their story? talk about losing perspective. hi, go to a women's shelter in any town usa and you will find women in hiding with no money, praying their husbands and parents don't hunt them down and kill them.

there are certain couples that are so fucking annoyingly cliché and inappropriate. you know the ones. she's got blonde hair just below the shoulder with off putting bangs and he's got an overgrown military shag and goatee. they wear outfits. they sit in booths next to each other making out, barely eating and gazing into each other's eyes like the world has stopped in the hopes their hideousness will procreate. they take sears photos and have print themed throw blankets over their sofas, not couches. they drive navy blue tricked out hondas and live in places we've never heard of like, Corona, Covina, Spartan -- always off of three fucking freeway intersections! they drink bud light. they have refrigerator magnets that say, "the bitch is hitched." "thank god it's friday or I'd have to kill you." they eat at black angus. they buy mall pear shaped diamond rings and have 15 bridesmaids in lime green taffeta. they get shamelessly drunk at their wed...

I know it's creepy, but it's a must read ! it's right up there with severely christian bloggers. it's a new journal entry with pictures. you have to read this one , too. I made my dear friend, Nicole read it. she was pretty disgusted with me. If I don't tell you what it is, you're more likely to click through :)

have you heard amos lee's song, keep it loose, keep it tight? do yourself a favor and run to itunes and download it. or email me and I'll email it to you.

there has been a change of plans. I blew the president has relocated. please check it out. it will be updated 3x a week. yay! please forward the url to everyone you know :) be a mensch.

this morning when I was at the park with louie. this pisher 10-year-old was making his severely elder mother shlep his roller blades, soccer ball, basketball and sneakers. he was changing in and out of his shoes/skates and switching balls over and over again. what a nervy little kid. the mother shleped him to america. that's not enough for him? she's gotta develop a hunchback carrying his shit?!?!?!

fuck. fuck. mother fuck. I haaaaaaaaate waiting. I swear to god could he be any fucking slower in calling me and giving me my results. fuck. fuck. fuck. you could spit twice and die, you know!

so, I'm waiting for my endocrinologist to call me and tell me what my blood test results are, and I've totally convinced myself that I have diabetes, diabetic blindness, thyroid cancer, a rare thyroid condition that's genetic (dating back hundreds of years)... and that I'm dying, peeling out, one foot on the peel. A goner. omg. I hate waiting. I've called three times. three times. do you have ANY IDEA HOW STRESSFUL waiting for test results is?!?!?!? if I'm dying. it's been fun. be happy. suck cock. fuck. eat pussy. laugh. bye bye

It's pouring rain outside. I take louie to the park. a park ranger comes over and says to me, "your dog needs to be on a leash." I said, "I'm the only schmuck out here. what do you care?!" he says, "if you don't put him on a leash, I'm going to fine you $250.!" the nerve of him! the fuckin' gall. the god damned audacity. I told him to take his fine and to shove it up his ass because nobody would believe that a moron would be in the park playing catch with their dog in this weather. he drove away. I was victorious.

I got this email in my box, not the good box, my e-box, this morning: Hi, My name is M. I am reaching out to aspiring writers (and those already established) to let you know that I am freely availavle to provide expert advice and information about all matters of male prison life and culture. It is my hope to help authors move beyound the erroneous popular media and governmental propaganda stereotypes of prisons and prisoners, and to put an end to this cycle of disinformation. Feel free to write or e-mail. Ma USP MAX Po Box 0000 how did he find me????? this totally freaks me out!!! when did convicts get their own websites? I feel so guilty about being so freaked out by this. you just can't email a jew girl something like this. this is guilt of epic proportions.

NEW YORK -- "Good Morning America Weekend" executive producer John Green has been given a one-month suspension after an 18-month-old e-mail critical of President Bush was leaked to the press. ABC News made the move Friday, though spokesmen at the network declined comment. Green's e-mail from Sept. 30, 2004, apparently was written during a George W. Bush-John Kerry debate. One read: "Are you watching this? Bush makes me sick. If he uses the 'mixed messages' line one more time I'm going to puke." I canNOT believe he was suspended for this! that is wrong on every level. talk back to amc , and tell them this is bullshit. how a producer is suspended for expressing his opinion about the president's gross stupidity is beyond me. news shmews. he's a producer. I'm sure if you went through Fox news producer emails you'd read about circle jerks in support of his lame ass decisions that have horrific repurcussions to americans. TALK BACK !!! brav...

there are some non-jewish girls who just look soooo summers eve douche pretty.