Katie Schwartz

Early this morning, I had the privilege of spending an hour with the divine Miss Fran I Am . Her meshpucha is in town for a spell. We had a cup of percolated squeezed beans and noshed a bit while dishing aplenty, I have news. Franygirl is as adorable as she can be. Meeting her was the highlight of my week. You know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time, but you feel like you've known them for twenty years so you pick right where you left off? That's what it was like meeting Frannylish! She has an infectious laughter, a beautiful smile and a fabulous personality. She's one hell of a dame and I hope to spend more time with her in the future. So far I've met four bloggers offline and adored them madly. I couldn't be happier. Now, I'm on a mission to meet all of yas, so watch out. Jewgirl is comin fah' ya. Not in a creepy stalkeree way, calm down. More in a Teeny crushing-you-with-my-love kind of way.

Shalom Loverdeedo's. What a fucking Tuesday. Did Mercury bypass retrograde and nosedive? Geez Louise. This morning, a broad was stabbed to death in the parking structure of a building in Century City . This wasn't one of those meant-to-mug-you-mini-stab-and-runs , either. It was the real deal. Some asshole repeatedly and violently stabbed a woman in the neck. What kills me (so dramatic, Katie) is that there were people at the scene during 'said' incident and did nothing. It reminds me of the below video I saw on YouTube of a woman who keeled over and onto the floor of a waiting room in a fucking hospital and died. People sat by and watched for 45 minutes and did nothing . Are we too afraid to get involved? Have we stopped caring about jumping in and preserving another life? What happened? It seems to me that things have radically changed over the past few years. I worry about the direction we're heading in. These two situations aren't isolated, I've read ab...

I am listening to the Goodbye Girl on the pod. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies. The kid and Richard Dreyfus do it for me in that flickundra, not Marsha Mason. Should I write a puzzle? I didn't fall asleep until midnight and when I popped up at 2ish, I was in the middle of a nightmare about being trapped in a crossword puzzle. I really love being continent. When my grandmother had a prolapsed uterus, she became incontinent. Worrying about my uterus becoming an accessory is now in the top 25 on my "Worry To Do List". Have you seen the movie Superbad ? That was a continent killer... Get it? "I laughed so hard, I peed." If Ellen Arkin married Adam Barkin and they spawned a fruit named Harkin, the kid's name would be Harkin Arkin Barkin. I can see it. The name screams rehab ready. He's almost three quarters of the way with the acronym HAB. I started reading one of Wade Agnew's poetry books "Solace For A Starving Naked Alone ...

On Friday, I started to feel sore-throaty and sinus burney. Know what I mean? Anywhoodle, by Saturday morning, my throat felt scrubbed with sandpaper by 50 midgets. My sinuses were in the epicenter of an erupting volcano . The hacking was akin to a crack addict who smokes Pall Mall non-filters in between fixes. That said.... Sunday, the games continued, menses began. All I needed was a yeast infection, and as a friend noted this morning, I would've had a trifecta. Though I rarely take penicillin for fear of developing an immunity to it, I caved and called my doctor for a Zpack and a cough suppressant. I am on the mend, fab . Downside, the cough suppressant had an opiate (who knew?!). I am opiate intolerant unless I take it with an anti-nausea back. What a weekend. By tomorrow I should feel like a brand spankin' new Jew. It's time for Katie to make herself horizontal again. More dish latah.

You've heard me dish plenty about Author Doreen Orion and her new title Queen of the Road . As a frequent commenter on The Vey, you've seen her around, she's hardly a stranger, she's more like meshpucha. I could say I read Queen of the Road, but that would be false, I actually devoured it like a vampire jonseing for fresh blood. There are bottom shelf books, read once and placed there because I adored them enough not to let them go. Top shelf books are current reads. Second shelf books I re-read passages from or will re-read because they resonated that deeply for me. Queen of the Road is a second shelf book. I fell in love with Doreen's book for a million reasons: It made me belly laugh. I fucking screamed my way through this book. My sides hurt, my belly burned and the book fell from my hands on numerous occasions, I laughed that hard. Doreen isn't just funny, she's a comic genius. I also cried, feeling her angst, wonder and frustration while she journey...

my soul's journey "To let go of the fear and anger which imprisons my heart,To relinquish all childish expectations and live joyfully in the world as it is -- not as I wish or imagine it to be, To be free of the always craven and ever-craving ego, To be released from the endless hungers of the body, To see God in others, To see God in everything, To die without death and merge my consciousness into the cosmic sea of bliss from which I came, To crank out two sitcoms a week that can compete with a deaf chick dancing her ass off... This is my soul's journey." Chuck Lorre Productions, Vanity Card #196

When I received this email from The Human Rights Campaign, it made me so happy, I had to share it. " Marriage – HRC has hit the million mark! We're up to 1,003,118 signatures on our Million for Marriage petition. Sign now » " Sign up, loverdeedos.

This afternoon, while checking traffic on my sitemeter, I saw a ginormous banner that read, Macaroni and Cheese Contest -- Win $5,000 -- Sponsored by Tillamook Cheddar Cheese . "The Grand prize winner will receive $5,000 cash, 25 pounds of Tillamook® cheese, plus other various prizes." Evil. Evil. Evil. I miss, no, I ache for cheese and pine for pasta. Not the gluten free shit, either. Real, white flour, thick, gorgeous, robust, horrific for you, noodlays. I have a homemade, heart stopping recipe for macaroni and cheese courtesy of ma Schwartzy. Can you imagine winning 5K and 25 pounds of cheese?! I'd plotz, scream and cry extra sharp cheddar tears of unbridled joy. Who cares... It's just cheese. Who needs cheese, right? Right. I love being vegan. Besides, I'm PMS'ng. Even though my cravings are out of control, I'm not. Keep telling yourself that, Schwartz, maybe it'll sink in. Okay, I will. Fine . Fine.

Hall and Oates Then... Hall and Oates Now.... What's changed?

Everything is right and well in the world... Vintage Bette Midler just rolled up to the pod. I was panicking for a minute there. Read earlier post .

Have you seen the infomercial for Get Listen Up ? I thought the idea of a product that turns "Ordinary hearing into Extroidinary hearing" was too camp for words. In the mersh, a hospitable narrator takes you through all kinds of folks using it in church, hunting, watching television, listening to your spawn on the playground, all doable, right? Right. I was sold, too. Until.... my friendly narrator lady said "Listen to what your neighbors are saying about you." Okay, creeparella, how very big brother. Watch the mersh . Doreen sent me a kick ass, smart ass article this week in the NY Times called, " Skin Deep - Hey, Mom, the Rabbi Approved my Tattoo ". Speaking of Diva Doreen, I finished her flawless, brilliant book Queen of the Road (it's tits to the tenth, children) and she's graciously allowed me to interview her. I'll be posting that this week and you will love every word. Frannylish sent me, in her words an "oy gevalt" article ...

One of our faveybloggers MadamZ has posted a beautiful new love letter at Dear Thyroid . Please check it out. The girl knows how to spin one hell of a thyarn .

I've made the commitment. I broke up with my old template in favor of this diva. I needed something brighter. It's been a hell of a week... to be discussed latah. This was the perfect distraction. If I stupidly left anybody's link off the list or linked incorrectly, please e-stalk me and let me know so I can correct it. Grazarella. I'm off like a prom dress for no particular reason. Okay, that's not true. I have so much to do and a gazillion emails to return. Who doesn't, right? Oy, are we busy, we millennium goils and guys. I'm listening to Georgia on my Mind and it always, always, always reminds me of my darling coffey .

I think I'm redesigning the bloggy. Stay calm. Breathe with me. Adding all my links. Just finding my way around. Remember, change is good and begets more change. This could be a very positive thing for all of us. PS: Need this distraction. DO NOT BREAK UP WITH ME. Loving...

My online bff 4evah, Cormac Brown , he blogs (I can't even refer to it in the past tense, I'm that twisted up inside) WriteProcrastinator , has shut down... for good . He's breaking up with us. Sure, we can still find him on Bad Lieutenants Wife and Cormac Writes . Still. It's not the same. Not only was Cormac the first commenter I got on All The Way From Oy to Vey, his blog has dished up some of my favorite series, Separated at Birth , SAB , SAB , SAB , Blog Rebus , yarns about SF and a few of his favorite local artists, Zhan Wang , Liz Hickok and so much more. He's delightful and hysterical, a gem of a person and blogger. He plugs all of our nonsense all of the time. He's incredibly supportive and the menschiest of mensches-- and now he's going bye-bye. I am bluewjewin' it hard on this one. In his final post , the images have left me as forlorn as the post. Cormac, you will be missed more than you know. I am pining already.

We have a local parking nazi inside a mini-strip mall sitch. This man who owns the Westside Market also owns three parking spaces. He's allocated 5 minutes for visitors, to get in and get out. The minute you pull into your spot, before exiting your car, he is SCREAMING at you to make sure your planning to buy something. If you aren't, he berates you like the dirty fuck baby you are while smirking like the rat bastard he is. "Get the fuck out of that spot unless (beat for tonal change) you plan to buy something here." P-Notz stalks his three spots every minute of every day. He's more concerned about you parking in his spaces than he is with you boosting his product. Yesterday, we stopped in at Cingular. The lot was slammed. I told Ker to park in one of the Nazi's p-spaces. While getting out of the car, I told him I was coming to him. As he saw Kerri head to Cingular, he snarled (pigfucker). I said, "Breathe, I'm buying something, gaaaaaaaaahd." ...

Katie in May at Pilcrow and now, technically yesterday. Spill, can we see the 30 pound weight loss in her face? Any of it? Kerri, making my favorite field-reporter-face below, says yes. I disagree. Too close to the situation? Hmm... Payhaps.

OnlineBFF4Ever, Cormac Brown has spun yet another flawless suspense filled yarn called Poker Face , featured on Powder Burn Flash . You must run and read it now. You'll love it. I laughed. My mouth dropped... I can't tell you why, you have to read it! I have more I want to share, but I won't yet-- I'm being plaid about it. Soon, though.

One of the items on my Nav bar is Feed OyVey . My sister thought that meant, email me dish to post on the blog (love that girl, so cute). Anyhoodle, Keh e-stalked me this morning with a fabbylish Thrillist item that I had to share. She feels an obligation to feed the blog . So cute. "Bedroom Tools: Ugly Bags "Guaranteed to cure ugliness", these heavyweight paper bags slip easily over your partner's head to display an attractive face; also comes in Male, for the man so ugly, even an extra-ugly bag-faced chick refuses to sleep with his ugly." For men... For women.... Aside from how shaaaaaaaaaaameful this is and it is mothah fuckin' shameful. Whatever happened to good ole' fashioned beer goggles? When did they lose their cachet?

You see the little Monkeybicycle icon in the sidebar? Take a look, ga'head. See it now? That's a link to order the Monkeybicycle dirty humor issue NOW on sale . Guthy posted about this a few days ago and mentioned what a tough time the publishers had getting it printed because it was it was considered too dirty . Being a part of a collection of work considered too filthy to print is something to be proud of. Check out this line-up: Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, Myfanwy Collins, Johnny Ryan, Davy Rothbart, Wendy Molyneux, Aaron Burch, Bret Scott, Elizabeth Ellen, Matt Craig, Timothy Bennet, Pete Grosz, Liliana V. Blum, Katie Schwartz, Tyler Smith, Michael Frissore, Antonius Wiriadjaja, Amy Guth, J. Marcus Weekley, Matt Summers-Sparks, C. J. Kershner, Ben Tanzer, Jennifer Dziura, Peter Bognanni, Charlie Anders, David Hart, Noria Jablonski, Bob Fingerman, Vince LiCata, Jack Pendarvis, Christopher Monks, and an introduction by David Cross. You must buy a copy! I just got mine in...

You know DrugMonkey , yes? Yes. Of course you do! Anyhoodle, he graciously agreed to an interview about thyroid disease from the pharmacist perspective. Check it out , yo.

Let me start by saying, parents and family, bypass this post. Thank you. Loving... I don't dream. I have wicked dark nightmares, so dark, I kept each to myself and compartmentalized them as one-of-life's-dirty-little-secrets. Recently, I dragged them out of my shame closet by writing about them and discussing them with Shrinktail. It took 8 months of shrinkdating to spill, but spill I did. Anyhoodle... Last night, I think I had my first hybrid. I had a thing with a guy for a while. We had a weird ass sitch. Our intimacy issues and bad timing led to disaster. Here's what happened in the dreamare: He knocked on my door wearing a wetsuit and fins (he's not a diver). I was living in a dilapidated, massive tree house with oddly shaped large, dirty rooms and slanted floors. I had three bedrooms with mattresses on the floor, tattered posters of Journey on the walls and plastic pee cups everywhere, it was severely crack denish. In Bedroom A, I threw him on the bed and said, ...

Did everyone have a firecrackin' 4th of July? Who did we do? Last night, I stayed home, though I did have a nightmare. Judging from the content, I would have to say that my mind gave whatever fireworks I might have seen, a run for their money. The third anniversary (Mazel Tov) edition of Farmhouse Magazine is online now and it is fierce! Off-the-hook fiction, satire, poetry and of course, equally ya-may-zing images, too. Check it out, yo. I think the House of Farm is edgier then ever. Me likey. Yesterday, I caught up on some bloggys. WriteProcrastinator has a kick ass post about the Sunset district in SF with links to beautiful pictures. Frannylish wrote about " Sister of Charity Louise Lears, forced out of all church ministerial roles ". Sister LL is an altruistic dame, a preacher, teacher and a true beacon of hope for the poor. She's all about justice and equality. Why wouldn't you want such a mensch like this in your corner?! I signed the petition and all. Su...