Saturday, July 12, 2008

Evil Lives

We have a local parking nazi inside a mini-strip mall sitch. This man who owns the Westside Market also owns three parking spaces. He's allocated 5 minutes for visitors, to get in and get out. The minute you pull into your spot, before exiting your car, he is SCREAMING at you to make sure your planning to buy something. If you aren't, he berates you like the dirty fuck baby you are while smirking like the rat bastard he is. "Get the fuck out of that spot unless (beat for tonal change) you plan to buy something here."
P-Notz stalks his three spots every minute of every day. He's more concerned about you parking in his spaces than he is with you boosting his product.

Yesterday, we stopped in at Cingular. The lot was slammed. I told Ker to park in one of the Nazi's p-spaces. While getting out of the car, I told him I was coming to him. As he saw Kerri head to Cingular, he snarled (pigfucker). I said, "Breathe, I'm buying something, gaaaaaaaaahd."
I bought a bottle of water, the only thing I'm certain wasn't stocked back in 1969, and went back to the car, assuring him we wouldn't exceed our 5 minee stay in his precious spot. Two other people parked. When one broad told him she was hitting two stores, he barked at her, "You park here for my store only." Pointing to me (we must've hit the 6 minute mark), he waved his arms and wailed, "Get the fuck out of my space N-O-W." I didn't move. One minute later, he threatened to have us towed. I saw Ker making her way towards the car. PS: All of us were kicked out.

He must have such high blood pressure. Even though there is limited parking in the lot, I'll give him that, his eagerness to berate people and incite anger seems to be his primary objective. People are already so pissed off with the price of gas and worrying about losing their jobs, etc. etc. etc. Does he really have to be such a monumental prick? Or, am I being an irrational, insensitive bitch? Maybe I am.


Anonymous said...

Thank goodness you have such a good sense of humor about the crazies you deal with.

You couldn't make this shit up. Who would want to?

Katie Schwartz said...

I know, right, Dcup. The shame....

Elliott said...

I would park and buy nothing. He's almost certainly overstating his rights. California, for example, has a definite protocol (including specifying the required size of the sign) and time limits before a private lot owner can do anything. He got you to buy an overpriced bottle of water just for the privilege of parking. 5-6 minutes. He's making $10-20 per hour on each of those parking slots. Good enough money to pay for health insurance for the inevitable coronary.

minijonb said...

The only rational explaination for his behavior is that he needs to get laid. Badly.

Cormac Brown said...

"The minute you pull into your spot, before exiting your car, he is SCREAMING at you to make sure your planning to buy something."

Because that's the second best way to ensure returning patronage. The best way obviously, would be to slap any children or elderly accompanying the customers.

"I bought a bottle of water, the only thing I'm certain wasn't stocked back in 1969"

Oh man, he's the furry luncheon meat-type.

No, no, it's still good. You just scrape off the blue and green off the turkey, heat it up in the microwave, and it will be better than new.

No, that bread isn't stale, it's vintage.

I'd call his bluff on the towing, as it takes the trucks at least five minutes to get to any lot and hook up a car. But he'd probably call them early the next time you parked there, just to be evil.

On the plus side, someone is going to park in one of his spots and walk away. He'll get so worked up that his head will explode like in "Scanners."

Katie Schwartz said...

Elliot, thanks for stopping by. Love the comment. Question, even if we sat there in *his* spot for 15 minutes, he still couldn't tow us?

Katie Schwartz said...

minijonb, thanks for stopping by, too.

I do think he needs a sweet piece of ass, no doubt about it. I wonder when was the last time he got laid? Definitely not in the past 10 years. Right?

Katie Schwartz said...

Cormac, "Because that's the second best way to ensure returning patronage. The best way obviously, would be to slap any children or elderly accompanying the customers."


Oh, he is so furry lunch meat.

PS: I promise I'll stop saying this soon... I WISH YOU STILL HAD WP. Your comments should explain why.

Elliott said...

I accept NO liability if you print this out and laugh at him when he goes into cardiac arrest. The text is taken from here and I see no loopholes for his crazy-ass BS. He might be able to prohibit you from ever parking there again though with some kind of legal notice.

Removal Prohibited

22953. (a) An owner or person in lawful possession of private property that is held open to the public, or a discernible portion thereof, for parking of vehicles at no fee, or an employee or agent thereof, shall not tow or remove, or cause the towing or removal, of a vehicle within one hour of the vehicle being parked.

(b) Notwithstanding subdivision (a), a vehicle may be removed immediately after being illegally parked within 15 feet of a fire hydrant, in a fire lane, in a manner that interferes with an entrance to, or an exit from, the private property, or in a parking space or stall legally designated for disabled persons.

(c) Subdivision (a) does not apply to property designated for parking at residential property, or to property designated for parking at a hotel or motel where the parking stalls or spaces are clearly marked for a specific room.

(d) It is the intent of the Legislature in the adoption of subdivision (a) to avoid causing the unnecessary stranding of motorists and placing them in dangerous situations, when traffic citations and other civil remedies are available, thereby promoting the safety of the general public.

(e) A person who violates subdivision (a) is civilly liable to the owner of the vehicle or his or her agent for two times the amount of the towing and storage charges.

Amended Sec. 5, Ch. 609, Stats. 2006. Effective January 1, 2007.

Katie Schwartz said...

EllsBells, You are a honey squared.

Liability eradicated completely, I promise.

I am printing a copy from the above URL and keeping it in my car. The next time I run into p-notz and hocks my ass or anyone else's, he gets the lettah.

Grazie toots,

Joe said...

Holy shit. The sad little king of a pathetic little asphalt kingdom.

You know, it's great that you're able to recount these tales of madness.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I love that old dude. He's doing post modern performance art.

Katie Schwartz said...

bubbsie, you are so funny, "The sad little king of a pathetic little asphalt kingdom" -- THAT IS SO HIM. HE'S A PRICK FUCK ASS TARD.

Katie Schwartz said...

Ah, ya such a wise ass, monkeymuckah and we wouldn't have it any othah way, dahlink.


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