Katie Schwartz

Doreen Orion is the author of newly released Queen of the Road , "The True Tale of 47 States, 22,000 Miles, 200 Shoes, 2 Cats, 1 Poodle, a Husband, and a Bus with a Will of its Own." She's also a humor essayist and has written many stellar essays, a few can be found on Huffington Post here and here . Run. Read. Now. Fab . Recently, Doreen was featured on Nevada NPR . You must listen to her dish Queen of the Road . She also blogs, " Medicinal Musings from a Mobile Shrink, AKA Queen of the Road ". I'm sure you've seen her around All the Way from Oy to Vey, she's left deliciously sarcastic comments-- she's just like us. In this moment, Doreen is schlepping around the country reading and signing her book. I am looking forward to attending one of her readings because (A) she's a riot. (B) She wears a boa. (C) At her Las Vegas reading at Borders Books , an Elvis renewed one lucky couple's vows. what's not to love?! I just bought Queen of...

My mind wanders through inaneville when I take a 3-5 minute on-a-whim-shit , an unplanned evening, or late afternoon, shit, one that doesn’t need to be lured by freshly percolated coffee. Often, parading curiously through my weird ass brain is the origin of words: Who decided to call fluffy white squares marshmallows? Molestation, why marry “mole” and “station”, two perfectly independent, doable words and turn them into a big fuckin’ nightmare. Who was the decision maker behind that gem? Nomenclature screams mutton chops. One of the meanings of nomenclature is dictionary, vocabulary or glossary. Loving words, I should have an affinity for this one. I just can’t get behind nomenclature; it sounds and feels like decrepit, beyond repair, vintage furniture. And we all know how much Katie loves vinty everything. Last night’s on-a-whim-shit , my mind wandered, of course. What popped into my head wasn’t a word; it was a thought: I wonder what my psychiatrist looks like when he takes a dump. ...

Today is my favorite pharmacist's birthday DrugMonkey . If you would please be so kind as to click your gorgeous tuchas's to his bloggy blog and wish that child a very happy birthday, I would be most appreciative. He's such a love machine, a honey of a fellah. I am so grateful to him for oh so many reasons. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRUG DADDY OF DOOM :) You know I wish you the world, child. XO Jewgirl

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact to get pregnant (WAIT, the pod just peeled. Back in a minee). I'm back. Didjya miss me? Just kidding. I think I whacked the pod. I plugged it in and it's not syncing up. It's okay, don't panic, I have another music source. I'm covered. Back to the topic at hand. Wait... Oh, right. Duh, Schwartzy. Six teenagers at Gloucester high school made a pregnancy pact. Consumed by determination, one broadette fucked a homeless chap. Can you imagine cruising homeless shelters for cock after school?! It's like a bad Families in Crisis daytime special. These girls want to be single mothers. Each month, they'd take pregnancy tests and sob when they got a "-" sign instead of a "+" sign. Though the school is one that practices abstinence (God forbid we educate American children about safe sex), the school nurse does provide pregnancy tests. Imagine her surprise when the same lot of 15-year-old's cried tears of joy when they...

I wrote an essay called Shitvitation in my forthcoming book. Bubbsie and Oldest Daughter know the essay cause'ns I read it at the Fixx Reading Series. In short, my apartment manager had a girating asstastic experience on my porcelain goddess while dishing on the phone with one of his chippies. Oh, what a shitmare it was, just ask B or Amy. Amy and I were furiously emailing back and forth during Shituardo's fiesta for party of one. On Monday, Shituardo and his sidekick, a lovely bloke who kindly smiles at everything I say, came over at 9AM to replace my tile-oleum with actual see-ramic tiles. Unprepared and terrified I'd be bombed again, I wrapped my toilet in duct tape and closed the door. I also offered up additional insurance, 20 bucks each for lunch. I spent the day standing guard in the living room as they ripped up the linoleum and replaced it with tiles or as my mother refers to them, teelays . By 4PM, the tiles were down and the shitwins were leaving for the day...

You must read FreidaBee's Love Letter to her Thyroid, Dear Thyroid, I miss You and I'm Sorry . I laughed. I cried. Regardless of whether you have a thyroid issue or not, her letter has a very positive healing affect. It's beauuutiful .

My sister sent me an email about Dita Legends , a new i-eyewear website. Her peeper windshields are all handcrafted and made of platinum, gun metal and every other, how-can-we-charge-more, metal, you can't think of. The above pair of specs are 750 DOLLARS. Take that in for a minute and just sit with it. Pause. Pause. Pause. SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS. Click here for deets. For 750 dollars, those glasses should: dispense advice, provide sexual bliss beyond my wildest expectations and quite frankly, the world should be viewed to my altruistic taste every time I wear them. Now it's your turn. What would a pair of 750 dollar glasses have to do for you?!?!

My sister Kerri, is graduating this morning. I am so pro ud of the girl! We had dinner with my dad and Nick, youngest brother, last night, fab . I know it's a shitty picture. I was laughing when I took it. Cut a girl some slack. Is he not a riot?! So 21. I forgot what I was like when I was 21 and quickly remembered after 5-minutes. He's a great kid, brilliant and hilarsquared. The picture I took of my dad sucked ass. I'll get anothah one today, to post on Sunday. I owe the divine miss FreidaBee an e-stalk, my onlineBFFfaheva, CormacB and my Frannylish . By Sunday, everyone will be e-stalked back. Have a great weekend everyone. I know I am grossly behind on reading your fab bloggys. Sunday, I'm all ovah ya asses. XO

I meant to publish this on Friday when I wrote it. Keep that in mind. XOXO'ng it. It is hotter than a tropical climate dwelling gorilla's asshole outside. 93 degrees. I'm shvitsing myself into a God damned frenzy. Some of the headlines over the past 24 hours are so short bus , I can't believe it: Victoria's Secret Sued Over Thong Incident : A broad tried on what she said was a faulty V-string. She claimed that one of the decorative metalic objects whacked her in the eye. I'm blue that she sustained an eye injury, of course. I just can't get past faulty V-string because it's such a straightforward item. Child Molester Wins Lottery . I can't find the article (argh), just a Yahoo Answers about it. Anyway, what I couldn't believe is that, well, he won. Weird. Or, that he didn't want to give 50% of the money to the victims and to various organizations dedicated to helping victims of molestation. Dick move. Not that he was such a charmer to begin w...

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?! Guilt is my drug of choice. You know it and I know it. We would be nothing without each other. Peppered with shame, guilt blows heroin away, or so I'd like to assume. Moving the story along... Today has been the most surreal day of my life, I think. Surreal stirred and shaken on the rocks, that's how surreal my today has been. I woke up. I slept 8 hours straight, for me that's huge. Usually, I sleep 3-4 if I'm lucky. It was a heat-hot day. I was indoors for the most part, so it wasn't too overwhelming to deal with. The morning was busier than usual, lots of calls to make and e-stalks to respond to. I got a lot of writing done, very positive. Blood was drawn, thanks to my psychiatrist-daddy-of-doom. My best friend's dog, my dog's first best friend, died today. Nobody wants to be a member of the Dead Dog's Club. I'm sitting shiva for Jimmy, a sweet, loving, tender dog who had an incredible impact on everyone who met him....

To all of the fabbylish pappa's who read All the Way from Oy to Vey, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! Ya fabulous and ya dawta's love yas. Capisce?! Capisce!

Let's bullet point this bitch, shall we?! Long ass week from hell, though filled with beautiful moments. Deadlines galore, I'm glad about that. Awaiting feedback. Def on edge. I skew neurotic as often as possible. Big eye doctor appt on Monday or Tuesday, will know more on Monday. Noivous like nobody's bizola. I digress. An old friend who used to call me by my middle name Louie, popped up out of nowhere and it was great to hear from him. Missing another friend HARD, realizing that he never really was a friend to begin with, so I'm bluejewin' it for a minee. Running errands. Just bought two of Adam Deutsch's poetry books and I can't wait for them to arrive. Maybe I should stop listening to "Dr. Feelgood" and brush/floss and flee from the house for a minee. Yes, that's what I'll do. I've hit many of my favey blogs this AM and some dishy new ones, too, thanks to FranIAm and Politits. More reading ahead, to be sure. I'm off like a pro...

Yesterday morning, my sister Ker and I decided to hit a few gahoroohj sales. We began at Pete's for some butch Joe and schlepped around the hood. Nothing doing for blocks until we stumbled upon this situation: a gun packing, badge toting security guard. ?! He was 6ft. tall with a supple bosom and Charlie Chaplin eyebrows (plucked to perfection), a 14K gold plated chain around his neck and a heaaaaaaaaavy Greek accent. We circled the spot a few times, not sure we should risk it. Would he bust out his gun and point it in our direction if we picked up an item and held it longer than 2 minutes? 5 minutes? 7 minutes? Were the owners of the house selling high ticket tchoch? Were they famous? Infamous? After circling the house a few times, in the cheeriest tone, Agadore instructed us to park. We were curious and nervous, so we did. Aggie welcomed us a la Mr. Roarke from Fantasy Island . This moment needed to be preserved on film. Pretending to take pictures of the garden, I positioned mys...

Full article here . I can't tell you how deeply saddened I was to see this video and read about this. A man was hit by a car TWICE and ignored by passing cars and pedestrians. Is it the shock that makes you not want to run to the middle of the street and hold his hand and tell him that he'll be okay, and that help is on the way? What is it? Because I REALLY need to know. PS: Don't forget to sign the Million for Marriage Petition right here .

Please Sign this Petition . Please, please, please . Loving....

From Tiffalish of UnScene Chicago : " Show your opposition to this homophobic, bigoted, and mean-spirited bill to amend the Constitution " You need to read it and oppose it. To say it's offensive is a compliment. What year is it? Oh, right, 2008. In case you're worried about what God thinks, believe me, God created homosexuals and heterosexuals equally. It is about time America woman up and man up, and get with the God damned program. Astonishing Adventures Magazine is now officially in print and available on Amazon! Run. Read. Now. Mazel Tov, Lewch, Tim and Katherine. Excellent job, yo. This read is pulp heaven. When pitching yourself for a job raising someone else's children, you might not want to use an email address that reads: "leather" and "nanny" before @. Just a thought. Did you read about the Air force Chief that Resigned ? " Gates said his decision was based mainly on the damning conclusions of an internal report on the mistake...

Ages and ages and aggggggggggges ago, I posted about the secret life of twist-ties. Remember? You don't? Okay, check it out here . I was OCD'ng hard about TT's at the time (what else is new?!) I got a comment a few weeks ago regarding that post from RyanD. I saved it, hoping there was an e-addy attached, but there wasn't. However, I did look him up and he's a Twist-tie artist and sculptor and his work is pretty tt-fly. Check it out, yo .

I love web hosting emails with subject lines that read No Rack Fees . It always makes me think of the twins and how affordable it would be if they would just cross over to the bra space. Right now, I'm averaging $25 a tit for airport-security-alarm bra support. Speaking of breasts, I saw Bill was on the news yesterday regarding the many women he's fucked and continues to fuck. Um. DUH. Every generation of woman I know wants Billy's willy in her Wageeena. He could be 110, hobbling on a cane and I'd still want him to dine on my Y. I'm so tired today. All I want to do is make myself horizontal. I can't though, too much to do. Argharooney. Speaking of Rooney, does Mickey still have a pulse? Okay, that was cunty. I take it back. I'm just so damn tired. I think I'm procrastinating. Yup. That's it, I'm being a big screaming procrastinating douche.

Loverdeedo's, Jewgirl is about to hook yo' asses up! While I do love a fabulous heel, when it comes to comfort shoes, I am no joke. I give you Shuf's . Sure, they're a little hempy. I will have you know these unisex slip-on's will give your feet pleasure beyond your wildest dreams. I'm not kidding. I schlep everywhere in these babies and so will you. Oh, and, they're on sale from 80 duckets to $14. Please. Does it get any better? Run like a dawg and buy a pair . They come in red, brown, grey and beige. I have grey and brown (like we give a shit, Schwartz). PS: Make sure you get them a half size smaller than your foot size because they run big. I'm just sayin' .

...for every prick that crawled up my ass today, I'd be Trump Daddy Doom with a far more fierce comb-over and all. Or, a super rich prossy. I did get bent over and paid, just not for sex. On an up note, I discovered a lovely new blog today called Cherry Ink : " It’s a place where you can share your experiences, imaginings, ponderings, feelings and questions. It’s your shared writing pad. Make yourself at home ." Isn't that lovely?! Look what I happened upon today What Katie Did . Every day, I receive at least one email for another Katie Schwartz at katiegirl@gmail.com from all over the world. They're such personal emails. Katie Schwartz has been invited to baby showers, family reunions, alumni soiree's and my faves are the, "Katie, please take me back. I love you" emails. Awww. I do e-stalk them back though, and tell them it's the wrong Katie. More dish later. XO Jewgirl

Best Spam Headline from BFF PaintPusher: Well Hung Christian Single Russian Girls . I feel like it's missing, insert-transsexual "here". Or insert-God-Fearing-Men "here". Thoughts? Our Bethy girl has a photo credit ! On Hollis Gillespie's site From my brother Ben, Mobile Locate . Check it out, you can locate anyone via their cell phone. Creepy enough?! Alterna Title Sequal Tive post by Cormac Brown is so fucking funny. Run . Read. Now. I broke up with Mac. I'm so sorry, I just couldn't do it. Mac is far too straightforward. I like an operating system that requires over-thinking. Please don't hate me. I almost got sent to Russia accidentally when trying to fly back to LA. How does one make that mistake?! Three hours into my flight from east to the west, I had an allergy attack and couldn't stop sneezing. The broad to my right kept glaring at me-- snatch. I was so irritated, I finally said, "You glaring at me will NOT make me stop sneezi...

The Pilcrow lit Fest was an extraordinary experience. The festival was a true celebration of all things writing and community building. There were so many brilliant writers and authors, Ben Tanzer , Gail Konop-Baker , Jill Alexander Essbaum , Steve Himmer , Angela Gant , Elaine Soloway , Elizabeth Crane , Adam Deutsch , the list is endless, here it is . Publishers , publicists , Internet Marketing Gurus , Zines , Timothy Schaffert's Omaha Literary Festival, The Rebuilt Books Auction to support the NOLA Library rebuilding project , which raised $4,000. All hosted and curated by Amy Guth . Please read her detailed post about the entire weekend, it is most inspiring. I'm so proud of her and what she accomplished. Pilcrow's first year was one hell of a success! Two wonderful documentarians I had the privilege of meeting, run the site UnScene Chicago , Tiffany Tate and Sawyer Lahr, they are so lovely and fabulously talented. (Side note) Tiffany, bubbie, you couldn't make...