Tuesday, June 24, 2008

What a Shituation

I wrote an essay called Shitvitation in my forthcoming book. Bubbsie and Oldest Daughter know the essay cause'ns I read it at the Fixx Reading Series. In short, my apartment manager had a girating asstastic experience on my porcelain goddess while dishing on the phone with one of his chippies. Oh, what a shitmare it was, just ask B or Amy. Amy and I were furiously emailing back and forth during Shituardo's fiesta for party of one.

On Monday, Shituardo and his sidekick, a lovely bloke who kindly smiles at everything I say, came over at 9AM to replace my tile-oleum with actual see-ramic tiles. Unprepared and terrified I'd be bombed again, I wrapped my toilet in duct tape and closed the door. I also offered up additional insurance, 20 bucks each for lunch. I spent the day standing guard in the living room as they ripped up the linoleum and replaced it with tiles or as my mother refers to them, teelays.

By 4PM, the tiles were down and the shitwins were leaving for the day. Curious. As you can see from the above picture, my refrigerator and kitchen table were in my living room in front of my "bedroom" (murphy bed) and my stove was in the walk-in closet. Fortunately, my couch magically converts to a bed, so I slept on that. My LR felt like white trashapalooza. All I was missing was a pig to roast, a Budweiser keg to tap and a few toothless kinfolk. I do believe if I had the aforementioned items, I would've been able to send out motel notepad stationary invitations for the event.

The next morning Shituardo was back, and so was the duct tape. He grouted the tiles and took off. Thinking he'd be back in 5 minees, after an hour, I called him and asked him what the plan was. He said, "I be yack-yat 2 wee-m." By 3PM there was no sign of Wardo. I called him and said, "It's waaaaay past 2 and I have a million things to do. I need to know exactly when you're going to be here to finish what you started." "I yo. I yo. I yo." He said, "Yive yinutes I be yack."

Fine. Fine. Fine.

30 minutes later he returned. As you can see from the below picture, the floor didn't get mopped. According to S-wardo, white-trashalvania could be reformed. However, he couldn't mop the floor until Wednesday because the grout needed to set. Funny, he could subject the grout to dragging a refrigerator, table and a stove across it, but cleaning it, well that was out.


I'll do it myself at the crack'o. There is an upside, though. He didn't pillage my divaoilet. I have new tee-lays instead of puckering linoleum and it only cost me 40 bucks.

When I saw him on his knees grouting my floor with his ass in my face, I thought I really hope a proctologist wrangles his anus sooner than later to find a cure to his sewage crisis.

Poor guy.


Fran said...

Oh my God Katie, I practically shit myself reading this.

Oy vey, that is some seriously funny... well it is funny shit.

I am thinking you need to leave the fridge in the LR like that... the chair upside down on the table is a piece of decorating flair that is unparalleled!

LA apartments all have a similar look to them. I can totally picture yours and it is not as trailery parky as this photo implies!

Writeprocrastinator said...

What does that guy load up anyway, before he defiles your toilet?

Whatever Taco Smell hasn't recycled over the past three weeks?

The worst of McDonald's that has been left out in the sun to further ferment?

The foulest of the Foul Madammas?

Anonymous said...

Whoops! Read this at the office and had to explain what I was laughing at!

Now they love you, too!

Eebie said...

I've got water leaking through the kitchen wall, a blog post is therefore on the horizon. I must say for living in rent stabilized property, the manager is great.

NY Philharmonic in the park last night, s/b posting today.

Joe said...

You poor thing! If only I'd known he'd be back I'd have given you some breathing and visualization exercises to help cope with the post-traumatic stress from the last violation.

Now you have to take a real close look around the place and make sure he didn't mark his territory in some other fashion.

Madam Z said...

Get ready for a major coincidence, Katie! I had my kitchen "tileoleum" replaced with "actual see-ramic tiles" just last week. My living room looked like yours, except for the murphy bed. And...the ceramic tile looks very much like yours! Plus...I had to mop it the next day! But! It was all worth it. I absolutely love my new floor! Fortunately, the man who did the work lives just two houses down and went home for his personal business.

I hope you're as happy with your floor as i am with mine. :)


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