Thursday, June 19, 2008

Is A Made Girl A Wise Girl?

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?! Guilt is my drug of choice. You know it and I know it. We would be nothing without each other. Peppered with shame, guilt blows heroin away, or so I'd like to assume.

Moving the story along... Today has been the most surreal day of my life, I think. Surreal stirred and shaken on the rocks, that's how surreal my today has been.
  1. I woke up.
  2. I slept 8 hours straight, for me that's huge. Usually, I sleep 3-4 if I'm lucky.
  3. It was a heat-hot day. I was indoors for the most part, so it wasn't too overwhelming to deal with.
  4. The morning was busier than usual, lots of calls to make and e-stalks to respond to.
  5. I got a lot of writing done, very positive.
  6. Blood was drawn, thanks to my psychiatrist-daddy-of-doom.
  7. My best friend's dog, my dog's first best friend, died today. Nobody wants to be a member of the Dead Dog's Club. I'm sitting shiva for Jimmy, a sweet, loving, tender dog who had an incredible impact on everyone who met him. I knew the moment he died because I felt LouieJew behind me saying, "Ma, don't worry, I got him." Ten minutes later my BF called and told me the news. Sadly, he'd been dying for the past few months. Let's send lots of love and light, please. Thaaaaaaaaank you.
  8. I had to run out after I got the news. I pulled out of my parking space. I was parallel parked in front of a Mercedes. I accidentally tapped her car with my car. Bitchybroad gets out of her car and in the most obnoxious I'm-from-Simi-Valley-accent, says, "Ah-mah-gaahd, you like totally um slammed into mah car." I said, "No, I tapped your car, barely." "Um, I felt it, and like that was a MAJOR hit." "I really need to go and it's just a fucking car. It's not the end of the world." "I need to check for damage." "The last time I checked, dead dogs trump shallowness." Before we parted ways, she cursed me out and of course said, "Sorry about your dog." "It's not my dog," I said. I don't know why I needed to clarify that as sternly as I did. Moving along.
  9. 1) I hope I run into her again or her car (not literally) because I'd like to apologize. Projecting my problems onto her was not fair and it's not something I do, it was wrong. 2) Just because cars aren't important to me doesn't give me the right to assume they shouldn't have value to her. Every person has the right to determine what they value and how dare I project my values onto someone else?! Again, not my style. 3) What I won't apologize for is hitting her car, when in fact, it was a tap. I might just leave a note on her car with all three points-- I'll feel better.
  10. My step-mother and my father found my blog. I never told them about my bloggy. My step-mother did a Google search for Katie Schwartz for no particular reason and happened upon my blog. I could hear my father in the background, "All the way from oy to vey". My ma doesn't even know I have a blog and my sister recently found out about it. My brothers don't know I have one, either. I haven't kept it a secret, I just haven't dished about it with them, it seemed so insignif. Now, I am swimming in guilt for not having told them. It never came up.
  11. My mother called this morning and I wasn't able to really listen to what she was telling me because I was multi-tasking myself into a frenzy. You know how you do and I felt so bad. I hate when a p-unit feels like I blew them off.
  12. I divulged a super secret to my psychiatrist today that I'm noivous about.
  13. I screamed at the eye glass man this afternoon for refusing to take two-seconds and answer a simple question, "Do you have post-cataract surgery sunglasses?" No, I'm not having cataract surgery, I just need surgical sunglasses to wear during the day to protect my mini-windows to the world. He was standing in front of a customer, waiting while the customer talked and laughed on the phone. He said, "I'm with a customer." "Right, I know that. He's on the phone and this is a quick and easy question." He shh'd me. I haaate being shhh'd. Anyway, I left the store after 10 minutes. Oh, and the customer was still on the phone when I left.
  14. In summary: I - FEEL - SO - GUILTY and SAD.
  15. It's almost 10 PM. I don't feel tired. I sure do hope I sleep.
  16. My dad is coming in tomorrow with my youngest brother, Nick. My step-mother isn't coming, though it would've been quite lovely if she did.
  17. My sister, Kerri is graduating from P-dine this weekend, her second masters. I'm so proud of the girl.
  18. More later.
  19. Love,
  20. Jewgirl


Fran said...

Kateleh- You are my hero, I heart you very much and I hope you feel me crushing you with great love and tremendous mad respect.

Oy - such mishagos for you to deal with all over.

I am soooooo sorry about Jimmy - that sucks. The Dead Dog Club, oy gevalt. I am so sorry and yes, your LouieJew was right there to welcome Jimmy.

My friend Debi, the one in LA that I want you to meet (she feels MAJOR guilt by the way for never replying; she had just started a new job and has a meshugge life) and I used to say we were in the Dead Mother's Club. Jews- making humor out of morbidity for 5000 years, even half Jews like me.

As for Bitchybroad, she was so - well Bitchy. But you as always reflect and want to close the circle, what a gorgeous neshama on you sister, gorgeous, wide and deep.

That whole blog-mishpocha thing - oy, I can feel your guilt from here. It is ok, all ok.

Have a great visit and mazel tov squared to Ker for her degree!

Must run, off to Joy-see for a bar mitzvah.

Anonymous said...

There's a lot there. I think I'm just going to leave it here in public...big squishy hug.

The rest, I'll estalk you.

Cup said...

You have NOTHING to feel bad about, girlie, other than the loss of Louie's BFF. Hope the weekend is a lovely one for our lovely one.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"My step-mother and my father found my blog. I never told them about my bloggy. My step-mother did a Google search for Katie Schwartz for no particular reason and happened upon my blog."

Cue Bogart: Of all the Katie Schwartzs in the world, they had to stumble upon the blog of this one.

Maybe you Miss Mercedes botox loose with that tap and now she'll have that expression for the next few months.

Madam Z said...

Katie, Sweetie! DON'T DO GUILT! In the first place, if the tiny little infractions you have listed in this post are the worst you can come up with, you certainly have NOTHING to worry about! In the second place, feeling guilty just hurts you and doesn't help the injured party (if there is one). If you ever DO do something hurtful to someone, just get the apology over with, right away. Then the offended one will be comforted and you won't have to fuss yourself with remorse.

See, Katie? You don't need to put out the big bucks for a psychiatrist! Your on-line buddies will give you all the advice you need, for free!

BAC said...

Katie - sorry about Jimmy. I hate it when we lose such good friends. I also want to join you not in the guilt part, but in the sad. For some reason I've just been sad for about a month now. Can't seem to shake it. If you find the cure first, please share ...


Joe said...

I wish we lived closer.

For what it's worth, you got a big cheering section here. And we're all telling you not to be so hard on yourself. Seriously.

Some day we should sit down and have a long discussion about the relative merits of Jewish vs Catholic guilt.


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