Friday, June 20, 2008

Dish and That

I meant to publish this on Friday when I wrote it. Keep that in mind. XOXO'ng it.

It is hotter than a tropical climate dwelling gorilla's asshole outside. 93 degrees. I'm shvitsing myself into a God damned frenzy.

Some of the headlines over the past 24 hours are so short bus, I can't believe it: Victoria's Secret Sued Over Thong Incident: A broad tried on what she said was a faulty V-string. She claimed that one of the decorative metalic objects whacked her in the eye. I'm blue that she sustained an eye injury, of course. I just can't get past faulty V-string because it's such a straightforward item. Child Molester Wins Lottery. I can't find the article (argh), just a Yahoo Answers about it. Anyway, what I couldn't believe is that, well, he won. Weird. Or, that he didn't want to give 50% of the money to the victims and to various organizations dedicated to helping victims of molestation. Dick move. Not that he was such a charmer to begin with. One more, Bride Punches sister-in-law during their ceremony. Okay, creeparella, ya can't exercise a modicum of restraint?!

I'm too hot to breathe. Keeping you looped.

Have you heard about The concept is lovely and healing, yes, that's true. It also makes me cock my head to the side and say, "Whaaaa?!" From the homepage: "Over the years, has grown to become the world's best-known online burial grounds. Thousands of visitors from all over the world come here every day to read and share the epitaphs, create personal memorials, and leave messages for their loved ones."

"World's best" and "online burial ground", let's just sit with that for a moment, shall we? Do you get a dedicated server as your "burial ground"? Shouldn't it be called virtually hosted burial plot? The site is divided into two sections, Virtual Memorials and Virtual Pet Cemetery. My first stop was the virch-p-sem and at the bottom there is an ad leading to LavaLand, a gaming site. I clicked over to the v-mems and each post has a little RIP tombstone (love a personal touch). At the bottom of the site there's that LavaLand ad again. Wait! I noticed something else, Honors & Awards. Before clicking, I thought My-p-sem gave out awards for the best written death or rated them with stars, 3-star death, 5-star death, and so on and so forth. I was wrong, this is my-p-sem's brag page.

After mocking them into a frenzy, I thought, you know, this is a good idea. Death sucks ass. When you're in a state of grace, perhaps it's comforting to have a virtual plot to visit. Though, I think each v-plot should be tricked out, yo. I would love tombstone options, crematoriums to visit, flowers (or as the Jews do, rocks) to leave on the t-stone. If you're going to go for it, fucking go for it, right? Right. Death it up. Give us dedicated death pages. Ask leading questions. I want to customize and personalize my v-death-spot with fervor. I want music, marches and tchoch. I want funerals, too.

It's SO HOT.


Anonymous said...

I am Katies dad and I love her madly.
No dad could want a more brave, courageous and forthright child then Katie Louie. I am truly blessed to have her in myu life and that she allows me to be a part of her life.
Joel Schwartz

Katie Schwartz said...

Dad, you're the best! Thank you. I love you madly back.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Dang, time to combine a post.

Here Lies Woman Who Died In Thong Accident?

Writeprocrastinator said...

By the way Mister Scwartz, you did a great job in the helping to raise Katie. She really is America and the World's treasure. Ya did good.

Distributorcap said...


what a great dad you have --- and he answers blogs...

i actually thought the pet cemetery was kinda sweet

and it brought tears to his old farts eyes


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