Saturday, March 15, 2008

This Week Can Suck My Dick

This week started out curiously, not bad, not good, more like beige. I can live with beige, it's practical, efficient and sensible. Not all weeks are going to be fabulous, and, hi, I'm not a fucktard, I'll take beige over horrific any day. Right? Right.

Sadly, the last few days of my beigey little week morphed, hard. Kind of like being tossed into the film "My Private Idaho" without the, but-the-seizures-feel-so-good, moments, and the exquisite, albeit creepy, "Reqium for a Dream", dream sequences. I was forced into wearing a, hello-clarice-muzzle and porn-ball-gag, so I wouldn't roar, "FUCK-YOU-FUCK-THIS-FUCK-EVERYTHING." "SUCK-MY-MOTHAH'-FUCKIN-DICK."

I'm a peenqueen, not a peenbasher, this we can awwwwl agree on, yes? Great. I need five minutes, please, to vent about one very specific peen, please, thank you.

Peenestros e-stalked me twice. Three minutes later because I hadn't yet received or responded to said stalks, he called, DEMANDING that I tell him where his wife was. Your wife? Um, I've been friends with "your wife" for thirty years, I think you can safely refer to her as "Name" without compromising the impact of your question. I'm not Google maps. If she removed the location microchip you implanted into her neck, there's really not that much I can do, now is there? Finally if she didn't return your call within the hour, in the middle of her work day and this isn't an emergency... COULD YOU, OH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN THE FUCK UP AND QUIT BEING SO FUCKING NEUROTIC?!

With a smile, in the most acidulous tone I could verbalize, I fantasized about saying, "Sweetie, here's a penis, strap it on and pretend like you own it, okay? I know you can do it. Oh, you're such a good, good boy. Get to know it, see what it feels like to claim ownership of said penis. Feels good, yes? Now, go. Take that penis out into the world and use it for good."

Instead, I held my tongue, to keep the peace. Shame.Shame.Shame.

I had two power packed days of that drama, miscommunication with the majority of people who crossed my path and still SOMEHOW found a way to piss a few stragglers off along the way.

I'm so glad it's Saturday.


Eric Riback said...

It's difficult sometimes to keep out of othe peoples' psychodramas.

Madam Z said...

Katie, I LOVE this post! You are hilarious. The illustration is "hilar squared" to quote your delicious vocabulary.

Now, can you stand ANOTHER meme tag? Check my blog. Thank you squared. :)

Writeprocrastinator said...

That's wrong in every sense of the word.

Anonymous said...

"take that penis out into the world and use it for good."

no man should ever have to be instructed to do this. it's in our dna. sounds like a man with a turd hanging out of his ass.

drama sucks. comedy rules.

Eebie said...

If you keep holding back they are just going to do it again in the future. Give them instructions on what to do, "It's your problem, not mine. You solve it." Then offer help as to professionals that can be referenced, "If you think she's gone missing, call the police. If you can't be without her while she's at work, call a therapist."

Two very important rules, [1] never argue with the point they are pushing for, always criticize what they are doing. "I'm not the one who keeps track of your lovely wife, don't call me." or "Why are you calling me? She's not my responsibility." (Why questions are nice because they make people defensive and uncomfortable.) [2] Never help. If he gets help, he will come back. So if you know where she is, don't say cuz next time you'll be the first to get a call.

Distributorcap said...

this week did suck
glad you summed it up for me

Unknown said...

That looks like Bill Clinton in the yellow suit. Yikes!

Fran said...

You have a way with words.

And dicks.


design by