Sunday, March 30, 2008

Firecrotch, But for Real!

This week menses commenced and the fire department came a knockin’—yes, in that order, but not to hose the aching, cramping, burning loins. They are two separate items.

I spent a week in pre-menses hell and finally the dams broke Wednesday early in the afternoon. In fact, my sister and I began menstruating at the same exact time. She wouldn’t be amused that I’m sharing that bit of trivia, but she’ll forgive me. Happy Period, Katie and Kerri!


My sister and I met in front of our buildinks at 4ish so we could run a few errands. I walked out of my aptula and smelled/saw smoke, and lots of it wafting from the back of the building through the roof. Hmm, I thought. That’s curious. It smells like burnt popcorn, or does it smell like hair and I’m having a massive heart attack in 5, 4, 3, 2…?!

I flew open the front door and asked Ker to come inside and tell me if she saw/smelled smoke, too. She walked in and winced, nauseated by the smell and gagging on the smoke. We still weren’t convinced there was a fire because there were no flames. I guess we’re just not fire savvy chicks.

Kerri said, “We need to call the fire department.” I said, “Wait, hang a mo, let me do some fact checking first. I’ll head up the stairs and see what’s doing.” I went up the stairs and the smoke was even worse. This was not a good sign. My sister was standing by the front door repeating, KATIE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? KATIE, ARE YOU THERE? KATIE, COME DOWNSTAIRS. KATIE, KATIE, KATIE. It was all very stop-drop-and-roll and way too overly dramatic, but cute.

I ran into my apt, grabbed my dead dog and my laptop and put everything in the trunk of my car. Ker called 911. Still unconvinced, I felt it was best to take a more reserved approach and called the fire department’s non-emergency number. I explained what was going on and said, “I don’t want to be an alarmist, so let’s chat about what’s happening and maybe you can send a man out to assess the situation. She instructs me to pull the fire alarm (which the building does NOT have) and start knocking on doors to evacuate. Evacuate?! Fabulous! I avoid the majority of my neighbors and now I have to start evacuating?!

So much for calling the non-emergency number…Within 5 minutes, 4 fire trucks and 20, TWENTY firedames and firedicks were in front of my building. The street was blocked off and chaos ensued. They started busting down doors to find the source. It was a 16-act drama, children.

There was a fire in the alley because one of my douche neighbors burned two fucking bags of fucking popcorn and tossed them into the fucking alley bin and it started a fucking fire.

My campy, let’s-throw-a-tea-party-proper-lady neighbor (love ha) walks out of her apartment in a suit, hair done and fresh lipstick ready for her close-up being saved by any firedaddy of doom. So shameful.

So, wait, it gets bettah... Slumlord calls me screaming because there's no fire alarm in the building, which is illegal (by the by) and then has the nerve to get pissy with me for calling the fucking fire department—HI—SMOKE EVERYWHERE. I do believe we made the right decision, yes?! Yes!

In the meantime, I’ve decided I need to create a fire-to-go-bag as a just in case.


Anonymous said...

me thinks the menstruating at once was a sign of things to come.

i'm just glad you or your sis (or anyone else) wasn't hurt. well, it would have been cool if the slumlord had suffered a little smoke inhalation. just a little.

the "go bag" for a fire should include, like, you.

Anonymous said...

i mean, you aren't a bag.

Unknown said...

"In the meantime, I’ve decided I need to create a fire-to-go-bag as a just in case."

Only, ONLY, only you would have a fire bag KK. You just made me spray water (I was drinking and didn't mean the other kind of water).


Fran said...

Oy gevalt, such tsouris! And what mishegos with no fire alarm... Hello Mr Slumlord, can you spare the few shekels to put in something that is necessary????

I love this story, because it has a happy ending, but WTF, it could have gone down so differently.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'm just glad the Schwatrz sisters are still with us!

Joe said...

You are a hero, and don't let any asshole landlord cheat you out of your glorious moment. Yes, you were right to call.

Now, as far as creating that fire escape bag...I thought everyone in California all had little bags packed in case of earthquakes. Do you have to have two separate crash bags, or just one multi-purpose disaster bag? How does that work out there?

Anonymous said...

"...In fact, my sister and I began menstruating at the same exact time...."

A common phenom, especially observed in all-female dorms and nunneries.
The important question is:
"Who converged to whom?"
The answer to which will silence any and all sibling rivalry for all time.

Mountjoy said...

Thinking laterally: you could even have a teenie fire-crotch-to-go bag next to your fire-to-go-bag, stuffed with a swag of tampax and fresh pair of panties...

Madam Z said...

Yes, Katiele, you did the right thing! Where there's smoke, there's (usually) fire, and who knows what might have happened in the neighborhood of that trash can, if it had been left undiscovered? Your slumlord should be tied to a chair and forced to smell burned popcorn for several hours, or at least until he agrees to install a fire alarm in your building.

And I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Monkey. I'm glad the Schwartz sisters are still with us!

Doreen Orion said...

May I add my own "Happy Period" for the both of you!

What a story! What a slum lord - what an asshole! If it HAD been a fire in the building, he could be charged with negligent homicide. (I'm not a lawyer. I only play one in the blogosphere.)

Glad you're OK to menstruate another day.

Unknown said...

you are a smart dame.

Eebie said...

Very happy you're safe. The landlord, too much. Did you escape out the same hole through which you pay your rent?

Cup said...

You live the life, girlie! Did you give any hot firemen your digits?

Anonymous said...

It's just this sort of event that really brings people together -- but apparently not in real life.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Wow, a quick trip to Ingrate City. Do not get thanks and don't collect $200.

Why did the fire department show up so quickly? Because these things get out of hand very fast and it is rare that there is any fire department that doesn't take all calls seriously. A fire in the alley can just as easily become the whole building on fire.

Dale said...

You had me at not wanting to be an alarmist. Glad you probably smell normal everywhere again by now.


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