Katie Schwartz

though my blog will never be the recipient of the below gold seal, I still feel that it's my duty to report on all things zealot. the calling is deep for me, like inside my soul deep, so I will forge onward even though I will never be recognized for the great work I do with a beautiful stamp of jproval. I read a poem today called, what if jesus came to your house and decided to share it with you. I found it on a zblog doc sent. Would you have to change your clothes before you let Him in? Or hide some magazines, and put the Bible where they’d been? Would you hide your worldly music and put some hymn books out? Could you let Jesus walk right in, or would you rush about? And I wonder.. if the Saviour spent a day or two with you, Would you go right on doing, the things you always do? Would you go right on saying, the things you always say? Would life for you continue as it does from day to day? Would you take Jesus with you everywhere you go? Or would you maybe change your plans for ...

from the author of, “You Never Call! You Never Write! A History of the Jewish Mother” even more guilt free noshies . news?!?!?!

today is our favorite pulp lover/writer lewch's birthday! it's a biggie, too! he had one hell of a year, almost peeled out, but did way more than survive. click on over and wish that child a very happy birthday! happy birthday , lewchie ! I hope this year brings you great health , lots of success , pots and pots of creativity and everything your sweet heart desires ! xoxox jewgirl

it's our favorite fuck writer's birthday , al sensu over at hard-and-fast is 54. drag yer ass on over and wish that big ol' hunk o' man meat a hard-n-happy birthday ! sweet meat, happy birthday ! I wish you a year of fantastic health, lots of happiness and everything your sweet, erotic heart desires! xoxox, jewgirl

shalom laaahvahs... have ya's been following spitznagel's vonnegut's asshole project? if not, you must. run, read, now. ya's are gonna shit yaself with laughter. eric has invited several of our favorite writers, including himself, brad listi, amy guth, charlie anders, paul fieg and a slew of other literary loves, to send in portraits of their assholes . check it out, it's tits to the tenth power!

happy birthday doc-se-doodle-doo ! may this year bring you fabulous health , oodles of happiness , pots and pots of love and everything your sweet, sweet heart desires . click on over to doc's sunrise rants and wish that young bird a very happy birthday ! love, jewgirl & jesus

alec baldwin is cashing in on his quick wit and fast thinking by making his first pornographic film called, thoughtless little pig . divorced dads from all walks of life will be gang banging vivid porn stars depicting their ex-wives while berating their offspring. -- not for nuthin', my parents went through a ba-rutal divorce. seriously vile on every single level, so I'm tossin' in my two cents. the damage of what alec baldwin said ain't goin' away, we all know that, and how very wrong it was. it's simply unforgivable. however, I do think miss 9 1/2 weeks is exacerbating the situation. parent alienation absolutely exists and I think she's workin some serious slander mojo against mr. 30-cock. in my opinion, that is equally vile, equally damaging and equally unforgivable. every body cum!

menses commenced at 10:15 this morning. I'm expecting a full blown war zone betwixt my femine thighs and meaty jew lips. cramps, epic. the egg, pissed off about lack of fertilization and taking a no hostages approach to menstruation this month. little bitch. here's a newsflash, ovum, I call the shots, not you. you want to be pissed off at someone, you should've thought of that long before choosing me as your host in this lifetime.

if our hil wins the presidency, (which I hope she does), she's making blowjob-bill an ambassador . she must've meant of pussy . notice him featured between the legs of a dame. it's all so apropos, isn't it? "I can't think of a better cheerleader for America than Bill Clinton , can you?" the Democratic senator from New York asked a crowd jammed into a junior high school gymnasium. "He has said he would do anything I asked him to do. I would put him to work." anything she asks of him? oh, I do so hope she creates a suggestion box .

I know youse are all on z-overload. I know. I know. I'm trying to exercise moderation. in those steppy programs they say acknowledging you have a problem is the first step in recovery. all's I can say is there is a reason for the z-focus. all this research is not for nuttin. capisce? don't break up with me just yet. I promise to post about real stuff tomorrow. xo, jewgirl

my friends, ask not what jesus can do for you—ask what you can do for jesus. spend a year jumping rope for jesus . learn how to start a jump rope club of your very own. or join coach dennis and his army of jumpers as they tour and entertain the impoverished in africa, peru, honduras and other desperately poor nations. these starving kids learn how to jump for jesus on swollen, empty bellies. if they survive and give up their souls, they get a meal! jump for jesus motorcycle stunt ministry (courtesy of my darling crionaberry ). these guys give you a simple how to guide to salvation in four easy steps: recognize, realize, believe and repent. these j-devils tour all over the bible belt indoctrinating anyone they can get their gosh darn hands on. Their motto: " We risk it all, to share the Gospel" Without backing down or compromise we stand for the Truth in The Gospel of Christ . A snippet from the homepage: " RAVEN is really cutting up for Jesus with her music. We did 1...

Welcome to the first ever edition of Christian miscarried kids! Have you ever wondered what happens when a zealot won’t abort and a fetus wants a better life? With a little bit of gumption and a whole lotta courage, that fetus takes charge of their destiny and by golly why shouldn’t they? After all, isn’t that what life is all about! I’ve traveled all over the great US of A in search of miscarried kids, in every nook and cranny of our beloved country. Happy Camp, California, Cummaquid, Massachusetts, Fertile, Minnesota, Lesbia, New Mexico, and countless other stops along the way brimming with folks who have good old fashioned American values. Before I took this road trip, I assumed breaking bread with a miscarried kid would be easy. I quickly learned, like every other kid, these miscarried kids want to move forward, not backwards. Recalling the memories of being inside an oppressive womb with little promise of a future wasn’t an easy thing to discuss. But, ask them about the choice th...

you've read guth . you love guth . I know you want to wear guth . come on... don't be shy. now's your chance to guth yourself into a wild, heated frenzy! click on ovah and buy yaself some gorgeous guth goodies . GA HEAD.

if there's one thing I love it's hypocricy, especially z-hip. it just makes a girl feel all warm and fuzzy. I happened upon an article yesterday called, homeschool mothers, the beatrice brigade , written by a z-peen. are you hungry for a how to guide to becoming a god fearing, career-less woman? do you want to learn how to be ruled by a man? does the idea of a woman becoming president of the united states sicken you? if you answered yes to all of the above questions, by golly this is the read for you! the article is wrong on every level, but what offended me the most was this: There are now millions of these strong, independent, God fearing women in the United States. They ask nothing of government, but to be left alone . really? ya don't say. these z-peens and z-vees spend millions of dollars lobbying to impose more government regulations and restrictions then any other group. if they really wanted the government to leave their z-asses alone, they would stop imposing god...

katie's been zealot hopping today and oh boy has she found some creepy dish. it all started when I happened upon biblical womanhood . first I found an article: adorned in modest apparel, it begins with the heart . a snippet for your reading pleasure: "I am not going to come out and condemn or condone any clothing in particular in this article. I don’t feel that God has called me to do that. Rather, I challenge you to question yourself, "Is the way that I am dressing in accordance with the Biblical mandate that women are to be adorned in modest apparel?" it's good to know that meaty lips flappin' in the wind isn't out, and even more comforting that the author won't condemn my choice. after all, it is quite possible that is what I think jesus wants to see me in. in my mind, he regards that as modest and demure. hello. after saving a hooker, he kept on churnin' em' out ( hookers at the point ), and, hi, loin cloth. I rest my case. after tooling a...

over the past few days, I have been given several christian gifts from my darlings crionaberry and doc . I'll be sharing this week, I'm not selfish. today, we're dishing delicious doc's gift and oh what a gift it is... the marriage bed : sex and intimacy for married christians. no, that's not an oxymoron. doc told me to hit the kinky boards and I am super glad I did. masturbation (mb) leads to lesbianism / homosexuality love a good stretch, and that masturbation is so wrong, it's best "acronymd" to mb . This was really interesting... I was talking with DW on the phone during lunch today and she told me about a co-worker who had a special speaker for youth ministry at their church who taught... 1. Since MB is self-love, with the same sex, and since the definition of homosexual/lesbian (according to the definition she found/is using) is "one who services the needs of the same sex" - THEN MB is the same as homosexual/lesbian sex. 2. MB in gen...

Adrienne Rich on poetry, politics, and personal revelation But then there is all this other stuff going on -- which is wilder, which is bristling; it's juicier, it's everything that you would want. And it's not comfortable. That's the kind of poetry that interests me -- a field of energy. It's intellectual and moral and political and sexual and sensual -- all of that fermenting together. It can speak to people who have themselves felt like monsters and say: you are not alone, this is not monstrous. It can disturb and enrapture .

rye-rye , cp and mountjoy have all chimed in with their two cents re: imus's termination, the impact on freedom of speech ... or not ? it's definitely worth the read! thanks boychicks for weighing in. ya all ahe so smaht. imASS .

today is our beloved write procrastinator 's birthday! can you stand it? isn't it fabulous? click now and wish that child the happiest birthday ever. happy birthday to you ! happy birthday to you ! happy birthday, w-peaaassser ! happy birthday to you ! may you have a happy, healthy, creatively adventurous and wildly successful year. ps:: how much do you hate w-peaser ;)

by: David Harris - AJC In the Jewish tradition, we are commanded to remember (zachor) and not to forget (lo tishkach) On April 15, we commemorate Yom HaShoah, the Day of Holocaust Remembrance. On this solemn occasion, 62 years after the end of World War II, we remember. We remember the six million Jewish martyrs, including 1.5 million children, who were exterminated in the Holocaust. We remember the entirely new alphabet created by the Nazis for the Final Solution -- from the letter "A" for Auschwitz to the letter "Z" for Zyklon-B. We remember not only the tragic deaths of the six million Jews, but also their vibrant lives -- as shopkeepers and craftsmen, scientists and authors, teachers and students, parents and children, husbands and wives. We remember the richly hued and ancient Jewish civilizations that were destroyed -- from Salonika, Greece to Vilna, Lithuania. We remember the slippery slope that began with the rantings of an obscure Austrian-born anti-Semi...

update ... scrollllll dooooowwwn it's 2:30 in the morning and I can not sleep. I'm having some wicked ass insomnia. oompha. argh. hopefully I will fall asleep soon. I have such a busy sunday, too. no, I'm not going to a tent revival. I wasn't invited. mother fuckers. whatever happened to goodwill towards womankind?! speaking of zealots, I hit leewee's site today and found a re-post of a journal entry, circa 2005. haven's b-day, a modest proposal . it's a must read especially for parents or parents to be who want to encourage their daughters to look like hedonistic whores. it sooo makes me want to adopt a troubled teen I can exploit. should I go homeless or foreign? oy, such decisions. is anyone else worried by cbs's decision to fire imus or am I alone on that one? before you rip my head off and skull fuck me, let me explain. we all agree, the man is an asshole, an anti-semetic, racist, homophobic prick. he's vile. what he said about the rutgers tea...

I hate birds. I'm not talking about just any bird, I'm talking about the 24/7, wildly inappropriate chirping nutbag bird. this variety of bird seems indigenous to los angeles. I don't recall this level of chirp action anywhere else in california, the u.s. or the world. the incessant chirp klatch comes in a variety of annoying tones. there's the steady hock , a captivating, long drawn out hand-vac harmony. the initiator has to be a jewish mother. because you can actually hear the guilt being sucked right out of the chirpettes that follow. my favorite is the fighting chirp . a harmonizing, balking, crow-esq sound pulsating from the beaks of a dozen half pint patty’s. they chirp with a vengeful purpose. what I can’t figure out is what they have to be so pissed off about. they spend their days flying around, digging up worms, shitting on people and chirping themselves into a god damned frenzy. fuckin’ relax or piss your big bird fun away by flying into some shiny glass wind...

tomorrow is friday the 13th... it's a lucky day. know why? it's our beloved big mouth's birthday ! click over to that broad, amy guth's blog and wish her the happiest birthday ever. happy birthday to you ! happy birthday to you ! happy birthday amy gu-uuu-uth happy birthday to youuuuuuu ! mazel tov on an incredible year. may this next year bring even more good health, happiness and unbridled success. hugs * kisses jewgirl

Free Male Housecleaner/ Personal Assistant in exchange for a tease Hi Ladies, I am available to be your helper. I can be your assistant in any household chores you may need. I can clean, polish, scrub, vaccum any room inside your home, apartment or condo. I also can do yardwork, moving and some fixing. In addition, I can also wash your cars and do some assistant officework such as paperwork, organizing, answering phone calls, taking down messsages etc. I can also do errands for you, drive to get some things or pick up whatever you need. All my services are FREE! Just e-mail me. I'm a nice guy, clean, honest, and respectful. 5'5 30/m All I ask is a little tease from you while I release myself. Just a pose in your underwear that's it. No sex or touching involved, I want to be safe also. I know that this is an unusual deal but I'm totally normal but a little shy. One time, short or long term available : ) I e-stalked him and asked, are fat chicks eligible? I'll keep y...

I can't help myself, I simply must jump on the musty can beaver (misty anne weaver) bandwagon. the crux of the issue, Weaver wanted to cover up the fact that she had failed to complete paperwork for an important audit for Capriotti (her boss). it's quite tragic, three lives were lost and a building was burned. it's horrible. and hysterical. no, I'm not the anti-christ. I don't know how many of you have been keeping score, but from what I've seen nobody really gives a shit anymore. the majority of people that I run into are totally in it for themselves with little or no regard for anyone else. I find myself asking why. when I think about all of the customer service reps (cable, phone, gas company, electricity, etc.), I deal with and how nonexistent and rude service has become, it pisses me off. but, then I ask myself, why should they give a shit? there is no such thing as job security anymore. everyone is expendable regardless of your title, and bosses drive ...

I have had a truly white trash day. no. seriously. you see, there are oversights that are tolerable, excusable even, and a handful that I have deemed unacceptable for me and me alone. I am sure you all can relate to those few things that simply can't happen under your watchful eye. right? so, my white trash day. I was working from home and in the zone, when, POOF the lights went out. gee, that's odd. I ran into the hallway and knocked on a few neighbor's doors. do you have power? why yes, fehatty, we do . ok, snatcharella, no need to lord your happy-power-suckage over me. gaaaaaaaaaaaahd. I called the power company. there was a massive wait due to high call volume. I could rest easy, obviously my power wasn't turned off. whatever, trasharella, you know where this is going and I know where this is going. it's far too depressing. at the risk of sounding annoyingly cliche, fat ass forgot to pay her fucking bill so they temporarily interrupted her service. note: I fi...

the band's name sounds 80s, but omg, it's a fab song. totally worth repeating a gazillion times! good lyrics and these guys are like, 10, so please.

one of my favorite bloggers, chaylene of better living through bacon (who was supposed to be in my fucking blogroll. argh), e-stalked me the most fuck off fabulous video to date, jesus christ the musical. fan-fucking-tastic . chayleneish, you are a goddess. THANK YOU!!!

tomorrow is a big goy day! happy easter my non-jewish love muffins. after the lashings, running, stabbing and hanging jesus went through, oy, to schlep back three days later unscathed. you gotta give it up to the boy. ps: he certainly does look provocative in a loin cloth. all jokes aside, have a glorious easter ! happy egg hunting and noshing . xo

courtesy of my favorite doc, into the sunrise . ladies against feminism " Biblical womanhood is not a "white thing." When we get letters that claim this, we can only shake our heads. Scripture clearly teaches we are all of "one blood"--the only race is the human race ( Acts 17:26 ). To say emulating the godly standards of Scripture is "white" is insulting to people of all colors. You are not a better Christian if you are white. To believe so is to deny our common heritage in Eden. LAF has black, hispanic, and oriental writers, but we don't screen people for skin color or keep a quota system. We're all sisters." I cruised the whole site and out of a gazillion super white ladies, I saw two shvatsah dames and one beige broad. this is their splash of color? their commitment to sisters? a virtuous woman So many women today were not taught how to run a household efficiently while in the care of their mothers. God gives guidelines for how a vi...

the goddess that is elaine soloway will be reading one of her fabulous essays, passover aggressive at the uptown writer's space on saturday night at 7:30. if you live in chicago or will be anywhere near chicago, go! you're in for a real treat. here are all the details courtesy of elaine soloway! Saturday, April 7th 7:30 pm Uptown Writer's Space 4802 N. Broadway, Ste. 200 Chicago 773-275-1000 uptown writers space "Where's Your Moses Now?" Musings on Faith Suggested donation $5. As this month's reading finds us smack dab in the middle of the spring Judeo Christian holiday season please join us for "Where's Your Moses Now Musings on Faith". No, it does not count as mass, but we have a fantastic line-up of readers: Don Gecewicz, Jason Grunebaum, Hugh Musick, Marc Smith, Elaine Soloway, Megan Stielstra, Eden Robins and Lisa Rosenthal. We will serve macaroons, Manischewitz, and triscuits. All faiths and faithless are welcome ! have you read elaine ...