Monday, April 30, 2007

knock knock ((updates)) scroll down

though my blog will never be the recipient of the below gold seal, I still feel that it's my duty to report on all things zealot. the calling is deep for me, like inside my soul deep, so I will forge onward even though I will never be recognized for the great work I do with a beautiful stamp of jproval.

I read a poem today called, what if jesus came to your house and decided to share it with you. I found it on a zblog doc sent.

Would you have to change your clothes before you let Him in?
Or hide some magazines, and put the Bible where they’d been?
Would you hide your worldly music and put some hymn books out?
Could you let Jesus walk right in, or would you rush about?

And I wonder.. if the Saviour spent a day or two with you,
Would you go right on doing, the things you always do?
Would you go right on saying, the things you always
say? Would life for you continue as it does from day to day?

Would you take Jesus with you everywhere you go?
Or would you maybe change your plans for just a day or so?
Would you be glad to have Him meet your closest friends?
Or would you hope they’d stay away until His visit ends?

Would you be glad to have Him stay forever on and on?
Or would you sigh with great relief when He at last was gone?
It might be interesting to know, the things that you would do,
If Jesus came in person, to spend some time with you.

-Author Unknown

if jesus popped in for a social call, I would expect him to know what I was wearing. he's god. I'd also like to think he'd schedule his social call while the coffee was percolating and I was plating some fresh ruggies. he knows how much I loathe not being prepared for social callers.

if jesus wants to get his jerk on watching some porn and listening to delta dawn or the way we were, he's more than welcome to do so. if he cums on my couch, I have lysol wipes that I'm sure he knows how to use.

I wouldn't change my routine for the savior. he's welcome to join me in my routine. that's cool. we could call my dad and conference in my brothers and my sister for some quality family cursing time. it's good clean fun!

I wouldn't want jdawg to stay forever. I mean, come on, a girl needs her privacy and guests should know when they've overstayed their welcome. if it was a quick weekend at schwartzy's, we'd end on a high note. but, if he stayed for like a week, I'd be irritated.

what would you do if jesus came to your house? new meem! I am tagging people who I think would be into this. here's the rule... you must tag at least 5 people. don't puss out, bitches. well, you can if you want to. it's guilt free.

cp : cp's evening with jeewee is off the fucking hook. it is so funny! it's a must read. imagine sipping appletini's with j-dawg and, well... click your ass on over!

dale : who knew you could find jesus with a squirt? well, you fucking can, and if you're wise, you'll click on over to daleish's fabulous and funny rendevous with jesus

lewch <- lewchers, you left one hell of a comment re: religion, so come on, come on, do it proper! I suck...

wp : this is such a GREAT must read. the reminder that zealots in any form are dangerous is always "as the christians say" a blessing. go with wp.


constant winter

creepy : what do we all love about the creepster... his brutal fucking honesty and candor and lemme tell ya, he pours it on thick in this rant. definitely worth the read, my friends.

hard-and-fast : sensu's visit with big-j is truly unrivaled with a sexual twist of course. he even introduced a new character, but you'll have to click on over to find out who. please run. so fucking funny!!!

self help

better living through bacon : miss salty meat's jesus meem is so freaking hilarious, you will SCREAM! run and read it now.. omg. omg. omg squared.

drug nazi

ribbed for your pleasure : the masturbation daddy of doom has seriously gotten his swirl on (the third coming) jc can not only turn water into whine (and I do mean whine), he can also morph himself into liz hurley. run. read. now. hilar.

sprawling ramshackle
evil spock

the daily pitchfork : it's a must read! I know. I know, but it really is--- a refreshingly honest, short note on the topic!

the daily pitchfork : once again, a new political spin that asks the tough questions, why j-dawg, oh why?!

the daily pitchork : this is great! sure, a screaming match would ensue, but in the end ... check it out.

politits : has posted a must read with a political spin and a jewey twist that just makes sense!

big mouth indeed strikes again : omg, I am so thrilled, amers is going to do the jesus meem! I'm one seriously happy jew. this is fan-fuckin-tastic! can't wait, guthy.

into the sunrise : I am over the moon! doc has posted a short, sweet and very poignant snippet that is a must read.

anyone else who wants to do it, please, please, please do it and let me know!


Bacon Lady said...

I am ALL over this.

Unknown said...

"what if jesus came to your house"

I would ask him "Your dad says that we can't worship anyone but him, but it seems to be okay to pray to you and your mum (and the saints or dead popes too). Isn't that a bit of a conflict and I'll go to Hell (not Limbo mind you cuz the pope said begone and it was)?

Then Jesus would be all like "Listen, don't fuck with me bitch. You sound like this girl I knew who hated ass-to-mouth, but she'd pull a train with no problem (Jesus sounds just like Kevin Smith)."

Then he'd probably piss on my toilet seat and swipe ten bucks from my wallet because he "died for my sins" and shit.

Selfish bastard.


Anonymous said...

I'd put his ass to work. Something needs to be cleaned or someone needs to be driven somewhere.

And when he got done with that, I'd berate his ass for letting dickheads do the crazy shit they do in his name. Zeus had a fucking lightening bolt, for pete's sake, what's this god got to keep his crazy-fuck followers in check?


It shows, doesn't it?

Eebie said...

Whoever wrote this poem, why is he/she afraid to give a name?

Katie Schwartz said...

dcup, I had no idea you would be into it. I'm absolutely thrilled to see your comment! it's hysterical. please post something about it. I would freaking love that, and to link to it!

Katie Schwartz said...

lewchykins, how do you really feel? don't hold back now.

Katie Schwartz said...

I think god wrote it, eebs. how are you, doll?

Katie Schwartz said...

chaylene, we've discussed...

Amy Guth said...

Uh. Mah. Goh. I might have to push into this little hippie drum circle. I am crying over Better Living Through Bacon! So funny!

Anonymous said...

You know, I was so pleased to find out that I am Jewish! Like it took 10 years of digging to uncover the fact owing to years of fear of anti-sematism. Reading your blogs makes me ashamed to be Jewish- at least the gentile girl who does the blog you took the piss out of has class and stands up for her beliefs. Shame on you all!

Anonymous said...

Schwartzie: It's up at tits.

And anon - thanks for the shame. I hope that by issuing it, you feel better.

Amy Guth said...

Anon, oy, you're barely making sense. You sure are BRAVE behind that Anon. badge, though. Good for you! You go tell off the blogger without letting anyone know who you are. Grr! Get 'em, tiger!

Unknown said...

Anonymous = Jesus
Probably Googling himself and came up with your site KayKay.


Appletini said...

*IF* (and that's such a huge if) I believed in a Jesus.... Considering that today is Beltaine, if Jesus came by today, I'd expect he was to drop in for the wicked good food, the rollicking bonfire and the hot ritual sex. In which case, I'd make sure he had plenty to eat, enjoyed some good dancing and music, then screw him to within an inch of his lawdly life.

Peace baby!

Mountjoy said...

Count me in.

(but here's a hint - you will need to come back to RFYP in a day or so... that will make sense when you see why).

Eebie said...

D-cup, nice tits! With you around there is no reason to pay for porn, you've got something, 2 things that are precious.

Anon, chill, 10 yrs of internal strife with regards to anit-semitism to dare to make the plunge and find out if your Jewish only to take blogs so seriously ... chill, or see a doctor where you lay on a couch.

Jew-girl, do what you do. It's cathartic, it's fun, it's the internet, so what the f**k.

Eric Spitznagel said...

If Jesus came a-knocking, I'd probably answer the door naked. One look at my circumcised prick and I think he'd get the message.

Mountjoy said...

Wouldn't you know it, Katie? The J-man came knocking - not once, but twice. I've reported my responses on RFYP!

Pain said...

We, Ourselves, found this a brilliant meme. We too hope that more will come forward recognizing the need for more love for one's fellow human and less religion in the name of control, race, privilege and greed.

Qu'ul cuda prædex nihil!

Al Sensu said...

Somehow I had missed this post until WP ran his answer. So here's mine. Sorry for keeping you hanging, honeypie.

Dale said...

I finally did it! Half assed but I did it for you baby!


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