jumping for jesus!

my friends, ask not what jesus can do for you—ask what you can do for jesus.



spend a year jumping rope for jesus. learn how to start a jump rope club of your very own. or join coach dennis and his army of jumpers as they tour and entertain the impoverished in africa, peru, honduras and other desperately poor nations. these starving kids learn how to jump for jesus on swollen, empty bellies. if they survive and give up their souls, they get a meal!



jump for jesus motorcycle stunt ministry (courtesy of my darling crionaberry). these guys give you a simple how to guide to salvation in four easy steps: recognize, realize, believe and repent. these j-devils tour all over the bible belt indoctrinating anyone they can get their gosh darn hands on.

Their motto: "We risk it all, to share the Gospel" Without backing down or compromise we stand for the Truth in The Gospel of Christ.


A snippet from the homepage: "RAVEN is really cutting up for Jesus with her music. We did 18 shows during the 2006 season, ministered to nearly 12,000 souls and saw at least 130 come to know Christ as Savior.We traveled 2600 miles and collectively jumped over 98 automobiles, 3 motorhomes,28 motorcycles, 7 dragracing lawnmowers and three. Please pray about how you might possibly help support our work for the Savior this season."


you too can be a pumpkin jumping for jesus!

right off the homepage: "A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?" The woman replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. "This was passed on to me by another pumpkin. Now it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch."

and now I'm passing it onto my pumpkins. ahhh, hal-eh-fuckin-lu.

Comments

Dale said…
This has been automatically added to the list of things that keep me up at night. Laughing.
6:54 AM
Writeprocrastinator said…
We need "Backrubs for Jesus." A way to convert non-Christians to Christianity...














Katie's lumbar needs a rub-down, get to it, zealies.
8:20 PM
Danielle said…
And with regard to the pumpkin thing--WTF? The girl is delusional.
5:44 PM
Anonymous said…
I so need some that.
12:57 PM
Eric Spitznagel said…
Wow. Are the Christians just worried that they're losing their title as the nuttiest religion in the world? I suppose this is better than bombing more abortion clinics, but still... Can "Smack Your Own Face Repeatedly For Jesus" be far behind?
12:32 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SPEAKING OF ABORTIONS

Image
Menses just commenced. It's 1:14 AM. I was asleep. That felt good. At 12:24, I popped up. I think I'm awake, maybe awakeish is more accurate. I'm always surprised when those handy-soapy-foamy-bottles run out of soap. For some lame ass reason, it never occurs to me that they ever will. They feel so lifetime supply , even though the bottles aren't more than 8 inches tall. Similarly, when I flip on a light switch and the light flickers to its death, I think "Now what?" Duh, schmuckette, you change the fucking light bulb . Intellectually, I know this, yet for some odd reason, it never comes to mind. In fact, a few years ago, my mother walked into my house and said, "Why aren't the lights working?" I said "I don't know, I flick the switch and they don't work." After a fit of uproarious laughter, she said, "Would it kill you to change the light bulb?” Hmmm. "No", I shamefully responded. I wonder why... it is that I hav...
Read more

Best Spam Evaaaaaaaaaaah -UPDATE-

Image
Look what I found in my box today?! Aside from the fact that I'm a VADGE and there is a glaring typo " fie" instead of " fine" , they've made this dame a raging cunt- hate that (and her high, tight rack. Bitch ). Women don't behave this way. Women aren't cunty. Women don't emasculate men. That is not how we roll, yo. UPDATE : From the fabulous and flawless MonkeyMucker : Actually hon that's not a typo. the word "fie" is a somewhat rare wordthat is used to denote scorn or used in place of a swear or curse word.It was more popular in the old days, like say during the 16th thru 19th centuries . Who knew?! I had no idea. Simianboy, you're a wealth of knowledge. Grazie. Penis enlargement patches also do not work. If you want to keep your junk intact, don't be stickin' things in it, or on it that can damage the meat bat. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about your manhood, either. It's your dick, live it. Love it....
Read more

Get Listen Up

Image
Have you seen the infomercial for Get Listen Up ? I thought the idea of a product that turns "Ordinary hearing into Extroidinary hearing" was too camp for words. In the mersh, a hospitable narrator takes you through all kinds of folks using it in church, hunting, watching television, listening to your spawn on the playground, all doable, right? Right. I was sold, too. Until.... my friendly narrator lady said "Listen to what your neighbors are saying about you." Okay, creeparella, how very big brother. Watch the mersh . Doreen sent me a kick ass, smart ass article this week in the NY Times called, " Skin Deep - Hey, Mom, the Rabbi Approved my Tattoo ". Speaking of Diva Doreen, I finished her flawless, brilliant book Queen of the Road (it's tits to the tenth, children) and she's graciously allowed me to interview her. I'll be posting that this week and you will love every word. Frannylish sent me, in her words an "oy gevalt" article ...
Read more