menses commenced at 10:15 this morning. I'm expecting a full blown war zone betwixt my femine thighs and meaty jew lips. cramps, epic. the egg, pissed off about lack of fertilization and taking a no hostages approach to menstruation this month. little bitch. here's a newsflash, ovum, I call the shots, not you. you want to be pissed off at someone, you should've thought of that long before choosing me as your host in this lifetime. 
17 comments:
You can have it stopped you know!
My thoughts are with you!
Oh...my...God.
The juxtaposition of your text, with that Scot Tissue ad, is too much. Your blog is just like the text in that ad:
"Peculiarly adapted to the needs of women of intuitive daintiness."
So funny :)
You can bleed for both of us. For the first time since I was 12 1/2 (except for pregnancy), I missed my period this month! Yay me! I've been bitching about unnecessary fertility for YEARS. 48 on Friday and I'm damned ready to stop this stupid ovulating crap.
"soft as old linen"?????
Well at least now I know what Grandma is gonna dab her guppy with when she runs out of bog roll. AND it explains the stains on her sheets...
And how about the Always "Have a Happy Period" bullshit? What the fuck is up with that. My period is not something I am happy about. It's something I tolerate.
To paraphrase The Joker: Where does she get those wonderful ads?!
I always enjoy your period pieces.
When you get around to writing your autobiography, you might want to consider calling it "My Femine Thighs and Meaty Jew Lips." It's strangely compelling.
I'm just glad I never worry about that stuff...well, only when it directly ruins my plans for the evening.
Slick, I'm getting some pretty outrageous ideas of how an errant period might indirectly ruin your plans for the evening...
"Meaty Jew Lips" ?!???
I have never had the pleasure of dating a member of the tribe, if I ever do, this is something I should expect? Does it impede intimacy or does it cushion it? Is this like "Bumper Bowling"? Does one have to hold them like the tongue of a shoe when you are inserting? If I were into stereotypes should this be applied to all Jewish ladies? Is one less Jewish if their lips are dainty?
My gosh, I've lead a sheltered life!
JohnK - Here's the secret we keep: Jewish girls' pussies taste like brisket. That's why when George Costanza was screwing a gentile girl he needed a sandwich. Those meaty lips are like the bread.
So it's like eating gefilte fish between a split bagel, Al?
Good luck with the period. I don't think tampons get enough credit for the work they do. They're in the right place, but at the wrong time.
K - I nearly spat coffee when I read "meaty jew lips." I had to read it a few times to be sure I read it correctly. Thanks for the comment on my blog - I was all distracted after I read it and nearly let my child fall off a slide. It was like if your favorite athlete gave you a pat on the butt. Just like that. Keep it up, Your Funny Jewness.
-Amber
a full onth between menses. I keep track.
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