Tuesday, February 21, 2006

the behaviorist and me

so, I have this intense phobia of choking. I mean it's really bad. anyone who knows me knows that this is my greatest fear in life, to choke or watch someone choke.

my phobia was under control until my dog choked on a ball about 3 months. it was fucking terrifying as hell. I got him to the vet in time, and the vet wasn't even sure he'd be able to get this specific ball out of his throat. I was a fuckin' mess. A MESS.

since, I can't get the choking out of my head. my fears have worsened ridiculously so. I watch people eat more intently. I stay even farther away from the foods I used to fear. I don't let my dog play with a ball (only a rope). I watch him eat. when he's out of my site, I panic, especially when he's at camp because they have balls there. I have nightmares about choking again. blah-blah-blah.

it's so fucking pathetic that I am petitioning the company that makes these specific kong balls to remove them from the shelf. the reason the ball is so dangerous is because it's so difficult to remove if a dog chokes on it.

OKAY.

so, my mother suggested I go see a behaviorist to resolve the issue and get it under control once again.

wellllllllll....

today some behavior phd chick called me back to discuss my case, so I tell her everything.

she says to me; "were you raped or molested?"

I said, "no. my phobia of choking stems from watching my father choke on steak three times as a kid."

I know, it’s anti-climactic.

she says, "are you sure you weren't raped or molested?"

I said, "I'm pretty positive. I think I'd remember."

so she says, "well, I think you were raped."

I said, "no, I think watching my dad choke repeatedly, because god forbid he take 5 minutes to chew vs. inhale, is what did me in."

she says, “listen, for $180 an hour, I can cure you of this phobia and get to the real root cause."


I said, "yeah. well, for $180 an hour, I can cure you of being a manipulative hack and a moron. whadya say?"

she hung up on me.

raped or molested?! please, like I would hide that, me of all people! if I were a sexual abuse victim, I'd be leading the 'we were raped' parade!"

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