Tuesday, August 19, 2008

And How Was Your Monday, Katie?

Golly gee willackers, my day started with a glorious stretch and some yoga at home, followed by teeth brushing, flossing, some face washing and ear cleaning (I'm an OCDer to the core with floss and a few Q-tips). I was ready to embrace the day and opened my laptop. A few hours later, I made myself a generous helping of oatmeal served with a side of... Ohhhkkkay, surrealeena?!

While noshing on my meal-of-oats, helicopters circled several buildings bellowing from megaphones Come out with your hands up. I repeat, come out with your hands up and drop your weapon. So, what did my schmucky neighbors do? Run out of their houses and scurry down the street. Great way to get whacked. News?!

I have a friend who is temporarily vegan and gluten free at the minee, too. We commiserate about how torturous it is for us, often. There are so few foods we enjoy. I understand a lot of people love being vegan and gluten free, I think that's fabulous. I'm over the moon for them. I'm just not one of them.

Anyhoodle, every Monday morning my friend stops at a coffee shop for a vegan gluten free blueberry muffin and soy cappuccino. This is her weekly pleasure, she loves it. You can't relate?! Please. Today, she walked in and ordered her ujsh-- it was the last muffin. As she salivated, waiting for her cap and muff, a nun walked in and asked for the same muffin. (MF) My friend said, That's my muffin. I already ordered it. The nun, in a Habit'n'awwwl was dumbfounded, thinking MF was going to give it up for her. The nun, again said to the woman behind the counter, I want that muffin.

MF, I kid you not, screamed, I called dibs on that "Nuffin" and you cannot have it! It's mine, mine, mine. I need that nuffin a lot more than you do. Meanwhile, the woman behind the counter was laughing so hard, thinking MF was going to rip this nun's Habit off and throw down, yo, she fell over, tripping on the guy who was steaming milk, hit her head on the counter. He teetered, drenching wicked hot milk all over the baked goods, slightly scalding MF and the nun.

PS: MF and nun immediately snapped out of it, decided to split the nuffin over coffee and became wicked fast friends. Everyone is okay, by the by

PSS: I got the most wonderful awards from my girl Frannylish (love this dame) and my boy over at Hell's Brimstone (la-ha-ve HELL). I will be posting that dish tonightish. Thank you guys. Ya such mensches. You made my day.

PSSS: Imhaaahjjjes aren't loading. Oy, I know... This will have to be a, dare I say it, image free post.

14 comments:

Cormac Brown said...

Coming this summer! Katie Schwartz stars in "Deep Impact, I Can't Hear a Damn Thing!"

Seriously, what the hell are you doing with Q-Tips??? Don't you know that they push earwax in? You are impacting all that stuff and eventually you'll have to have your ears flushed. Which even though it doesn't involve toilets, can be as unpleasant as it sounds.

The Ototekloop is what you need! It made my one week of vacation hell, to leavez my loop at home, yo, and I can hardly go without one.

sylvia said...

I'm sniggering happily at the thought of the coffee shop scene. What a mess!

The steaming milk really should have landed on the muffin, though.

suburbanbeatnik said...

That is insane. And hilarious. Your friend and a nun tussling over a vegan mufflin? That almost sounds like something out of 30 Rock, with Tina Fey in the MF role...

DCup said...

Yelling Dibs at the Nun!!!!

Oh my word.

FranIAm said...

She should have yanked that veil right off!

I am glad that they split the muff, which sounds very bad and lesbionically delightful, no?

Madam Z said...

I would have let the nun "habit." After all, the poor woman has given up everything else that could possibly give her pleasure.

THEN! I would have ordered a REAL blueberry muffin and eaten it in front of the nun, while groaning with pleasure and declaring passionately how much better the real muffin tasted than that piece of gluten-free vegan crap.

DivaJood said...

Obviously, it was the drenching in scalding hot milk that woke them up. Either that, or they read "Pigeon Finds A Hot Dog", which he winds up sharing with the Duckling.

Katie Schwartz said...

Cormac;

I had no idea. Thank you so much for telling me. I'm running like a dawg to get the Ototekloop. Grazie, bubbie, grazie.

Katie Schwartz said...

Sylvia;

I know, right?! While I agree with you, I'm kind of glad it didn't. The nun and my friend have since enjoyed another muffin together. I like that...

Katie Schwartz said...

Right, Suburbanbeatnik?! PS: Love the screen name.

Katie Schwartz said...

Dcup, it was so funny. When she told me, I was in tears, I was laughing that hard.

Katie Schwartz said...

FranIam: HAHAHAHAHA. Love that comment.

Katie Schwartz said...

Good point DivaJood. I love the way it ended.

Dale said...

Hilarious story, I'll have to check with my sister the Sister to see if she was involved in some way.

Also interesting about the ear thingy.

 

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