Katie Schwartz

I don't watch reality television because it takes jobs away from writers. However , I have recently discovered a new guilty pleasure (thanks to my ma) that I am so fucking OCD about, I'm considering breaking up with bullet points , another OCD'ism of the minute. My Big Redneck Wedding . Let's discuss. Gail and John's wedding and oh what a wedding it was. They have a paper route. He peed his proposal and she thought that was the most romantic thing evah . His sport of choice is drinking Budweiser. Together, they have about six teeth. In fact, on Gail's wedding day when her teeth were MIA, her mother asked, "Wanna use mine?" I thought I'd heard everything, I was wrong. You can read all about their wedded bliss here . Their hoopa was made of beer cans. When they ran short, hubby-to-be lovingly offered to down a case a' Bud , to fill it out, you know, make it beerier . Their love affair with Bud runs so deep, their table vases were made of em...

You know you're white trash when you see your apartment manager walking by your window (in between apartment buildings) and you yell, "Hey, can I give you my rent check for this month?" He responds by saying, "Yah--Chaaaakay." You say, "Do you want me to hand it to you through the hole in my screen, or do you want to come to my front door?"

Guthyroo just hooked me up with Twitter and it is super festive. It's a one-line dream come true. I'm fittin'tah one-line myself into a twitting frenzy. Twitter me ! PS: I posted a picture of myself :)

Look what I found in my box today?! Aside from the fact that I'm a VADGE and there is a glaring typo " fie" instead of " fine" , they've made this dame a raging cunt- hate that (and her high, tight rack. Bitch ). Women don't behave this way. Women aren't cunty. Women don't emasculate men. That is not how we roll, yo. UPDATE : From the fabulous and flawless MonkeyMucker : Actually hon that's not a typo. the word "fie" is a somewhat rare wordthat is used to denote scorn or used in place of a swear or curse word.It was more popular in the old days, like say during the 16th thru 19th centuries . Who knew?! I had no idea. Simianboy, you're a wealth of knowledge. Grazie. Penis enlargement patches also do not work. If you want to keep your junk intact, don't be stickin' things in it, or on it that can damage the meat bat. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about your manhood, either. It's your dick, live it. Love it....

I'm wildly in love with this image. I found it on Abduzeedo . It's so vinty dream , isn't it?! What a fuckin' week. I didn't know where to throw myself. By Tuesday, fucking Tuesday (do you believe?!), bridges seemed doable. I felt like someone was living up my ass and building cities with overcrowded highways filled with speeding drivers. I'm so glad it's over. My new website is up. HOWEVER, I'm trying to get a fly designer to give it a jhush. Will keep yas posted and give yas the URL when it's bettah. Lewchie sent me the cover for AAM edition three last week and it is so fucking hot and sexy, it took my wig off, yo. Here's the dish on the third installment, it's going to be off the mothah' fuckin' hook.

See that little handycon up there? Great. This lil baby appears below the word verification on blogger when you leave your comments. But, only if you have word verification in place. If you don't, no wheeliecon appears. The other day, I clicked the seated ambisextrous stick figure on wheels because I was curious. I turned up the volume on my lappy as a just in case and I was super glad I did. Remember those mix tape days when you'd record song after song over one tape, and the tape got so old, it played three songs at once? It sounded like zzp-zzeeep-jshuup-zzp-zzzmmm. Yeah, that's the wheeliecon sound. I'm trying to figure out how this benefits the blind. Blind people might want to comment, but can't. How the fuck do you plug in "zzp-zzeeep-jshuup-zzp-zzzmmm"?! I'm all twisted up about it. I think we should all eliminate word verification and kvetch to Google about it. This is what I feel. Are you with me? Other dish... Guthyroo sent me a fabulous Ka...

I am TEMPORARILY vegan, carb free and sugar free, which means I eat fuck all and live in a perpetual state of frustration and starvation. I'm ready to spit twice and die. I haaate this diet. No, really, I hate it with a passion. I have never been more unsatisfied and more disgusted with food in my life. I actually have to force myself to eat-- me , a food whore, has to get-it-up to open the refrigerator. Here's what I've learned so far: It sucks mothah fuckin' ass The food choices are limited and vile on a good day I don't like the texture or taste of tofu (and I'm a vegetarian) unless it's masked, cloaked and disguised exceptionally well mock cheese doesn't melt and tastes disgusting Because it's trendy, many people pronounce vegan, vaaygan . Oh-the-shame. I can't wait to be a vegetarian again On a positive note, my mind feels clearer and my body feels energized because what I'm putting into it is pure fuel. If I look at food as energy inst...

Look! Barbie has a vadge-- finally . I checked my keywords this morning for the past week and fell out, yo. Some of these phrases are a riot. katie schwartz - um, duh. coco - an honor as always. "greetings from george and laura's bush" - and OH what a bush it is. coco's vagina - okay, so I have a lot to say on the matter, but so does she. menstruation - beautiful. all the way from oy to vey - oh, goodie. Goodie ?! Who am I? big vagina lips - I prefer meaty. coco camel toe - I digress. in side a vagina - "in side" is one word "inside" jamie spears knocked - UP, sweetie, SHE'S KNOCKED UP jews vulva - I wear them proudly. small vulva fucking - and your point is? thai girls video blogspot.comvulva - this is my favey because it's so whaaaaa ?!

I have some fabulous announcements and dish coming soon. For now, here's what's up, my website will be launching shortly. The minute it's live, I'll post the URL so yas' can visit and yas bettah visit. Pushy enough ?! Last week, I got booked for Literary Death Match in New York, an Opium Magazine literarypaloozastravaganza. Being so wildly, passionately and desperately in love with the OM zeenylish, I'm plotzarella to the tenth power. Artist James J Williams III posted pictures of the Paris installation that he's trying to save. I wrote about it here . The fundraising efforts are moving along famously. Donations are still required, be sure to contribute. Kid's work is at risk of being lost fahevah. Please visit his site and send some money to co-op and SAVE his work. Donate via PayPal

Well, not really, but according to this website I am. AND I have the best body. AND I was bested as the #1 person. I really shouldn't kvetch. I love my photo montage that refreshes to a new scandalicious Cokatie . See!

First, see this fabulous image?! Courtesy of my good friend Bubbsie . You do know why he sent it to me, right? You can see it? Second, which one-a-youse has broken up with me?! I have Technorati and my links have dropped scandalously low in the past 30-days. A girl takes a blogatus to finish her book and suddenly you chop her from your life? Ah. I'm appalled. I thought we had something special. I thought we were lovin'on each other (love that word "lovin'on. It's so white trash). What happened? I want names!

We all know what a fortuity / serendipity whore I am, right? Well, I am, big time. While dishing with Zuniga about how excited we were about Guthy's NOLA fundraiser at a cocktail party during the Pilcrow Lit Fest in Chicago on Saturday, May 23rd, Z mentioned artist/writer James J. Williams. I zipped over to, and through James' website and fell in love with this child's work. He's so fucking talented. We e-stalked a bit and he told me all about his idea to save his Paris Collection by getting it into the hands of several art collectors via a timeshare. The child spent a month creating all of this beautiful work. The details are below. Please contribute some money to save the kid's work and hang a gorgeous JJW III original in your home or wherever you wish. The Paris Installation From James: "Earlier this week, all of this work—a month of my life—was in danger of being destroyed. I reached out to a small handful of friends, and resigned myself to the fact ...

My good friend Jodie Milks , an insanely talented and I do mean INSANELY TALENTED: writer, comedian and actress, is performing a wicked funny sketch show at the Groundlings for her advanced class on Monday night. This broad will make you scream. Wear diapers because you'll pee hard . This child IS a genius and oy so talented. Oh, you still don't believe me after everything we've been through together? Fine. Check out one of her performances at the Groundlings . You. Will. Scream. Sssscream. Go to her show. Ya'll plotz. The Dish on Jodie's Show Monday, February 11, 2008 8pm show The Groundlings Theater 7307 Melrose Ave. Los Angeles, CA 90046

First, the image above is from my good friends at one of my favorite reads, The Daily Pitchfork . Now, onto the dish... I don't know where to begin. What a month. Guthy is the greatest fucking editor I have ever had the privilege of working with (THANK YOU, DOLL). What an awesome, inspiring, enlightening experience working with her has been to edit my book. My book?! Do you believe?! I'm still plotzing. Everything will be wrapped up and ready to roll this week. I will be hocking youse ah'plenty. Baleedat, yo. Side Note: I'm listening to Midnight Train to Georgia... It always makes me think of my girls Bethy and Politits . I am grossly behind on my bloggy reading and writing. This will all be changing by Monday, I promise. I apologize for being a shitlogger. Let's not break-up, not when we've come this far and have so much more to do together. I noted that B-Spears is bipolar, Obama and Hills are neck and neck (I hope they run together), Huckabee is still a se...

That's my girl! Go, Hillary, Go!

Anne Cunt Coulter is ENDORSING Hillary Clinton over John McCain. I think my vulva lips just went awry.