Saturday, February 16, 2008

Dishing Veganism

I am TEMPORARILY vegan, carb free and sugar free, which means I eat fuck all and live in a perpetual state of frustration and starvation. I'm ready to spit twice and die. I haaate this diet. No, really, I hate it with a passion. I have never been more unsatisfied and more disgusted with food in my life. I actually have to force myself to eat-- me, a food whore, has to get-it-up to open the refrigerator.

Here's what I've learned so far:
  1. It sucks mothah fuckin' ass
  2. The food choices are limited and vile on a good day
  3. I don't like the texture or taste of tofu (and I'm a vegetarian) unless it's masked, cloaked and disguised exceptionally well
  4. mock cheese doesn't melt and tastes disgusting
  5. Because it's trendy, many people pronounce vegan, vaaygan. Oh-the-shame.
  6. I can't wait to be a vegetarian again
  7. On a positive note, my mind feels clearer and my body feels energized because what I'm putting into it is pure fuel. If I look at food as energy instead of as a luxury item, there is a lot of validity to being vaaaaaygan
Anyone who can commit to a vegan lifestyle and feel happy doing so, kudos to you. I am in awe of your strength and willpower. One of my brother's is a vegan and he loves it. Kid's a hero. I couldn't do it for life. No way. No how. Not evah. I'm just sayin'.


bizQuirk said...

I was vegetarian for 10 years, and as time went on, got tired, unfocused, and weaker. I had no idea it was my diet.

I went to a famous acupuncturist in Brookline MA (Dr. CHang), he said, "what you eat"? "Let me smell breath",

"let me take pulse", "aha, I have diagnoses."

"You need eat some meat and oils, protien. Dont listen stupid people."

He was right, I started feeling better at once. Twice, or three times a week, meat.


If the food is proper, I love veg/vegan, but I like protein combos like brown rice and eggs!

I hate the raw foods thing...crazy people are whack to boot.

Joe said...

I feel your pain. I respect the hell out of vegetarians (believe it or not this pork-loving hillbilly was a vegetarian for about 3 years) but not so much vegans. Veganism seems to me to be a lifestyle choice that works swell for affluent westerners. I once had a vegan tell me she wouldn't eat honey because it oppressed worker bees. No shit. Still, sounds like you're doing it for some good reasons, and it sounds like it's working for you for now. For me, I can't think of food strictly as fuel--it's too tied up in my ideas of sensuality, celebration, family and friendship. I know, though, that from time to time I gots to cut back on the lard.

When you're off this diet I'll treat you to a delicious apple and sharp cheddar omelette.

Anonymous said...

Ah, man! I know I should do this to "detoxify." But I'm afraid that in doing so, I'll end up hurting someone......

Hang in there, precious! I might just follow you down this path, but only temporarily.

Bacon Lady said...

Bravo for you for gettin' your healthy on, but honey this post makes me want to board a plane and bring you something "real" to eat.

Of course, this is coming from someone who's main source of protein comes in the form of bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon...

Eric Riback said...

I'm a real meat-eater, but I like tofu when done certain ways. Specifically: needs to be very firm. Cubes rolled in corn starch and fried, even better. And need to be in a real Asian dish.

Adam Deutsch said...

If you need some more pain in your life, I know a woman who will come over and cane you for a mere $10 a lash. Just sayin'....

Now pardon me. My beef stew is ready.

Cormac Brown said...

You say vee-gan
I say not in a million years
You say vee-gan
I say not in a million fucking years

No way
You're high
Let's call the whole thing off

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

How about you stop holding back and you just comeout and tell us how you feel about that vegan diet your on.

Anonymous said...

Vegan? I don't know what that is.

Anonymous said...

vegan shmegan. why isn't being a vegetarian enough?

also, vaaygan rhymes with reagan, as in the president. and he never lived a day without a steak, and look what happened to him.

if you're a vegan, does that mean the end of vodka?

but it's good your mind is clearer and your body feels energized. it's been a long time since i felt that way.

Madam Z said...

Honey, I hate to say this, but YOU'RE NUTS! You can eat healthfully and not torture yourself. What you are describing sounds absolutely dreadful! There's nothing wrong with a little no-fat milk and some cheese! And eggs are good for you! They're one of the most perfect foods! The secret is moderation. So listen to Auntie Zelda and have a nice breakfast of whole grain, unsweetened cereal with some fruit and skim milk. It's delicious and feels good. For lunch, whole grain (sprouted grain if you can get it) bread with tuna, or eggs, or avocado or low fat cheese, or "natural" chunky peanut butter with some fruit on it. And a carrot or some other crunchy vegetable. It's good! For dinner, a nice piece of chicken or fish, a huge salad w/ olive oil and balsamic vinegar. And a baked potato never killed anybody. Fruit, walnuts, yogurt for snacks. Life is too short to eat tofu and artificial cheese.

Cup said...

Hon, why are you vaaaayganing yourself if you hate it?

Anonymous said...

At least you're not dumpster diving like the Freegans.
You're not, are you?

Anonymous said...

Oh and it's:


Doreen Orion said...

Lovely of you to post that picture of Cheney, just so we can all lose our appetites with you!

Coaster Punchman said...

It's a little difficult to be both vegan AND low-carb, n'est-ce pas? Good luck though, Sugar! Glad you're feeling some benefit.

paintpusher said...

Learn some friggin self-control Elsie!!!!

Diane Valencen said...

Oh sweet languid lips!

I think I could be a VADGEAN for the rest of the Afterlife.

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