Thursday, February 28, 2008

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don't watch reality television because it takes jobs away from writers. However, I have recently discovered a new guilty pleasure (thanks to my ma) that I am so fucking OCD about, I'm considering breaking up with bullet points, another OCD'ism of the minute.

My Big Redneck Wedding. Let's discuss. Gail and John's wedding and oh what a wedding it was. They have a paper route. He peed his proposal and she thought that was the most romantic thing evah. His sport of choice is drinking Budweiser. Together, they have about six teeth. In fact, on Gail's wedding day when her teeth were MIA, her mother asked, "Wanna use mine?" I thought I'd heard everything, I was wrong.

You can read all about their wedded bliss here. Their hoopa was made of beer cans. When they ran short, hubby-to-be lovingly offered to down a case a'Bud, to fill it out, you know, make it beerier. Their love affair with Bud runs so deep, their table vases were made of empty Bud cans that John lovingly agreed to supply the florist with. What a guy.

Everyone gets married in camo. Brides ride in on a John Deere. Wedding guests are dressed in Wal-Mart ensamblays, always jeans and for the high falootin' weddin's, Gap sweatshirts. Wedding festivities include, hog'catchin', mattress surfin' and mud rollin'. I really wish they would stop dropping the "g".

You really need to watch this show because it's the best guilty pleasure.


Mountjoy said...

That camo is SO yesterday (obviously a Vietnam Vet). The Gulf War I/II trailer trash enlisted man wold have gone for the "chocolate chip" desert storm version, wouldn't he?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...


Anonymous said...

When you're at the top of the redneck heap, they back all the firetrucks out of the firehouse so's you can have an indoor dance floor at your reception.

Anonymous said...


Cup said...

I think I went to high school with them.

Anonymous said...

all they need is some possum or squirrel pie for an appetizer, some confederate flags for the centerpieces, and a band that plays the 45-minute jam version of "sweet home alabama."

as a jewish native of the south ("he-brey-o-neck"), i find this extraordinarily stereotyping and insulting. and funny as git-out.

now, if you really want humor, try hearing a rabbi who sounds like bubba luttrell lead the congregation in a shema.

Anonymous said...

A pleasure, maybe, but must I feel guilty about it?

Distributorcap said...

time, channel and baker of the military tier cake. (is that the surge working?)

Fran said...

They registered at Walmart, didn't they?

And their hoopa. I am roaring.

Just remember the old adage Kateleh- there will be no whoopie until after we stand under the hoopie!


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