Katie Schwartz

Beautiful babies, I am not MIA. I am not in Los Angeles. I will be back in LA on Sunday night. Next week, I have so much dish for you, I cant wait to share all of it. PS: I'm behind on e-stalks and reading. Oy, I know. Do not break up with me, bitches, I will be back early next week. I hope Memorial Day weekend was fabbylish for everyone. xo jewgirl

Check out the vinty fab p ilcrows above.  NOLA fundraising festival last night was BEAUTIFUL. I'm going to let Diva Guth tell you a bit about it.  I have so much wonderful dish from the festival. I can't wait to share every word with you, and will do so on Monday. Bubbsie introduced me to (I hope I don't fuck this up) whiskey?! I got so drunk, first time in two-years and I think I'm hungover. What a riot. I also got to meet Youngest Daughter - adorable, sweet and lovely, and spent more time with Oldest Daughter - campy, too hip for words and adorable.  I got to meet the famous Irish Ho last night-- I like her so much, she's one hell of a dame, that girl. Instant adoration. Looking forward to dishing with her more.  Menses commenced yesterday.  Today, there are a few more Pilcrow Panels , which you must attend if you can. I'm on the Classy Not Assey Panel.  Tonight is the Chicago Literary Magazines' Fiction Editors Reading .  That's the dish for now.  I...

Though I had Graves' disease and didn't know it, this is what I looked like the day before my eyelids swelled almost three years ago. Since misdiagnoses, multiple medications and going from super hyper/borderline thyrotoxicosis to severely hypothyroid and now here we are today, 14 points away from having a normal thyroid, this is what I look like .  My metabolism and all the medications I took caused me to gain a tremendous amount of weight and changed my physical appearance dramatically. Thanks to proper treatment and being so close to a normal thyroid, I've lost 15 1/2 pounds so far. My eyelids have not changed, nor has my vision, not yet anyway, but they will. I haven't given them an option NOT TO. 

Thank you everyone for your incredible e-couragement and support. You are such honies and so very appreciated. I will be e-stalking yas next week to thank you. Last night, Amy kicked off the festival with the Fabulous Fixx Reading series and it was a blast! I met my faberific, lovely and funny publisher, James @ So New. I met many great writers and Angela Gant, playwright and a true chick with moxie.  Also, super twitters Sawyer and TheFem Geek, co-founders of The UnScene Chicago  -- They are as adorable and lovely and talented as can be. I don't know if yas know this, but it was also the first time I met Amy Guth in person. We instantaneously bonded. As if there would've been another option?! Please...  The child is fan-fucking-tastic. I adored her before.  In person, it's a hundred times bettah. Oh, and... I met our BELOVED blogger Joe and his oldest daughter. I love Joe Bubbsie and his family. I'm hanging out with him again on Saturday night for the NOLA Fund Raiser...

My apologies for being a bad e-stalker and blog hopper. Next week, I will be catching up on all of your juicy words and I can't wait. My new website is live. KatieSchwartz.com . Love? Hate? Spill. I know I should be asleep. Too much to do. Oy to the vey. Will I get it all done? Hell yeah. XO Katie Chicagoans, you are coming to the Fixxy Reading Series on Thursday night, yes? PS: I know I'm repetitive. Hello, are you new?!

1) Thursday night, The Fixx Coffee Bar Jami Attenberg and Katie Schwartz (not the other KS's online, this Katie Schwartz will be reading. I'm reading an essay from my book. You must come! I want to see all of your fabulous faces. 2) I went to a corsitorium today for bras to hoist the hooters. Back in New York, they used to have proper corsitoriums for dames with generous racks. Older dames who chose your bras for you. This non-diva was a riot. She was in her 80s, a handsome woman, reminiscent of the days in New York when pickles were purchased in barrels, a very lower east side kinda dame. After throwing me in a room, she told me to take my top off so she could stare at the twins. Five minutes later, in a thick Russian accent, she said, "I be back. You wait." Upon her return with three highly unattractive brazatskies (bras), she placed the bra over each arm, pushed me over, hoisted my girls into the bra, locked that bitch up, straightened me up and proceeded to feel...

STUNNING!! Check out this fabulous interview about Amy Guth , the Pilcrow Lit Fest and her debut novel, Three Fallen Women . Lots of dish and well worth the listen.

I am so happy to be indirectly and tagged by the great splotchy virus by two bloggers I adore, Frannylish and bubbsie. Bubbsie's splotch . If you haven't read it, read it. A true creative speckled in law enforcement questions that only he can think of. Splotchy's yarn: "I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words." Bubbsie's yarn: "I looked up and down the street but didn’t see any delivery truck, or any car for that matter. No FedEx, no UPS , no creepy-looking porno'd-out conversion van with a half-assed delivery service sign taped to its side. Nothing. It's like delivery man just disappeared. I stepped back inside, re-set the deadbolts and took a closer look at the ...

AAM Interview Part Three with the lovely Tim Gallagher. While Tim might be afraid of Big Foot, the boy knows his BF history like nobody's business and goes into hilarious detail about it. If you have any additional Q's for the child, leave them in comments and he will be most pleased to answer them. Of course I'm speculating and assuming. I think it's safe to do so. He's super menschy and one hell of a pulp aficionado like his colleagues, John and Katherine, with his own unique twist on the genre and why AAM means so much to him. He's a fascinating fellah to dish with and wicked smart! I think you will love him hard after reading his interview! Meet Tim Gallagher KATIE: Why are you afraid of Bigfoot? Spill. TIM: I suppose my fear of Bigfoot really goes back to my younger days in the early 20th century when I was frightened of gorillas. Not real gorillas, mind you, though sometimes when they glared they could be scary, but actors in bad gorilla costumes. I'm...

AAM Interview Part Two with Diva Katherine Tomlinson. Youse are gonna crush so hard on this broad, it's really not funny. She's a brilliant writer , adores vinty clothing, fierce broads with a voice and pulparific divas, and she's hilarsquared. What's not to love?! Katherine inspires the hell out of a girl, she goes after what she wants with the drive of a dozen Harvard grads on scholarship-- she's that fearless and fierce. From screenwriter, to television writer, and essayist with a forthcoming title, to her present day role of editor at Astonishing Adventures Magazine. I was most thrilled when Katherine agreed to this interview because I wondered if pulp was primarily a male genre and about her spin on pulp's impact on feminism. She genially answered all of my questions - what a mensch - and her answers are enlightening as hell. Meet Katherine Tomlinson Editor of Astonishing Adventures Magazine... KATIE: Is there a misconception that pulp is more of a "...

Astonishing Adventures Magazine : Pulp Fiction by today’s brightest up and coming writers and established pulp authors. Edited and published by John Carlucci, Katherine Tomlinson and Tim Gallagher. I have spent the past week dishing with these three about their love of pulp and how Astonishing Adventures (AAM) came to be. These pulparoonies are fucking fabulous. They're smart, passionate, driven like nobody's business and insanely articulate. I had such a blast going back and forth with each writer. I've known John for ages and adore the child. I'm crushing hard on Katherine, we've become instabuds. Tim and I are hitting our stride, too. Because they've offered up such distinctive points of view and well thought out answers, I wanted each to be featured, so we can savor their words in three parts. Today, we're dishing with John Donald Carlucci. We know him from Wildwoods , his blog and as Editor JDC for AAM. When you start talking to him about pulp, the orig...

My sister was so deeply touched by everyones comments and support. She was plotzarella and wanted me to thank my fabbylish readers, so THANK YOU! Ker's learning to comment. It's a process, donchya know. Funny yarn. I woke up this morning reminded of when my Aunt Sadie called me on her 65th birthday. Her husband had been dead a year and she had become the PROUD condo slut. You can see why we loved each other, right? The girl could not keep her legs together, not for 5 minutes and I loved her dearly for that and everything in between. She was post-menopausal. We dished every week. That year, every time I called her, she'd say, "Dear, I'm entertaining a gentleman friend" and promptly hung up. Anyhoodle, she said, "I went to the gynecologist the other day because my pookie felt odd. You'll just never guess what he said." Pause. Pause. Pause. "I have venereal warts", she declared. I was so excited, I said to my gyno, at my age to have an STD...

New blog on the street, by Author Gail Konop Baker ( Cancer is a Bitch ). Click over and welcome this divine diva to our fabbylish community. She's such a brilliant, inspiring writer and so adorable. Read ha and you will love ha.

My beautiful, wonderful, altruistic sister is a teacher at a progressive private middle school. The kind of school I'd want to send my children to. They promote non-violence, foster creativity, and have implemented an Eco-education program. Fab , right? Right. Today during lunch, right in front of the Jewess that is my sister, Student-A (who she's been teaching for 3-years), said to Student-B, "You worthless Jew, you should have been killed in Auschwitz." Heartbroken, enraged and shaking as a result, she managed to handle herself with enviable dignity and grace, under what I regard as horrific circumstances. She immediately took him to the Principal's office. With great pride and zero remorse, he not only acknowledged what he said, he continued on a tirade of hate that she'd never seen in him before. He also showed them web pages he'd authored, replete with Swastika backgrounds and venom for my people. Here's the kicker... The kid is half-Jewish. Take ...

Astonishing Adventures Magazine was plugged in Bookgasam ! Congratulations, beautiful babies... Which reminds me I will be interviewing the brains behind AAM this week. Check back on Wednesday for all the dish. I had dinner with one of my bestest friends in the woild tonight in from NY. He made my day. I'm writing a new project, a huge departure from comedy, so there's that. Dished with pops-- he's doing great. Still owe Quinny an email. I've re-read it a few times. That dame is so sagey. If you haven't read her blog, you must. Frannylish's post about Gifts of Healing, Consolation and Peace is quite riveting. Check it out, I was inspired. Long day, though a good one. Email mishigas like you don't know. That's my daily report. More dish later... Good dish and awwwwl XOXOXOX Katie

PaganSphinx tagged Bethy. Bethy tagged WP and Cormac tagged me. Is that rhymey?! Read their meems, they're great! I've also tagged a few peeps, too. I'm just sayin' . Ten Year Ago what were you doing, Schwartzy? I was in New York. Running almost 12 miles a day. Writing my heart out. Fucking my brains out and having a really fabulous time. I was also spending a lot of time with my family, my friends and my kid. He was six-months old. Five Things on Today's "To Do" List Buy luggage. done Go to the mall with my sister for mother's day tchoch. done Hock my webmaster about posting my revised content for my webbysite. Hocking Transfer files to my Mac from my PC. Whole Foods Run. Post this meme. Run up to ma's. E-stalk Dr. P. Schedule a hair cut. CBB (can't be bothered) E-stalk honeygirl and quinny. Clean Fan Man, I have a lot to do. I will get it all done, right? If I were a Billionaire Financially provide for my family and friends for life. Hit...

I'm having a love / hate relationship with the human race at the minute. Bad drama is unfestive. Miscommunication sucks ass, especially when you know you're right. Katie, you did not just say that. Oh, yes, I did. Creepy people are unfestive. Life through my youngest brother's eyes is refreshing and lovely and a reminder of how sacred and special growing up is. At 21, you realize your foundation isn't where you live, it's knowing that you're loved by your family and friends. Right?! Being 21 is a special and tumultuous time. I feel lucky to be there for him and listen, knowing he has to find his own way. Kid's amazing. The Pilcrow Lit Fest is in two weeks. What a fab time that will be. We're all going, yes? We've all donated a few duckets? Spill. I think I love the new vinty pocketbook I'm about to buy, not sure though. My sister says I should go for it. Thoughts? I think I'm bi-- I'm falling for MacBook pretty hard, yet I'm not read...

To every blogger who commented on my Farmhouse Interview , A MILLION THANK YOU'S for your generous, supportive, wonderful comments. You are such angels. How did I get so damn lucky, huh?! Someone is lookin' out for Jewgirl and I am one grateful heeblette. Grazie. I am not breaking up with PC. Let me just put that out there. I am a PC / ThinkPad whore. I also needed a new lappytoppy. I bought a Mac laptop. Question, what the fuck?! I can't figure out how to use it. I'm trying. Mac users, Q4U, have you tried using it with with Windows Professional XP? Should I buy that? I hear that software turns your Mac into a PC. Thoughts? Spill. Who has a Mac trick or three hundred up their sleeves they'd like to impart? Spill. How was everyone's weekend? I'm now going to make myself horizontal ish and play with my mactop. I heart You. I'm back into bullet points. Oy, I know.

Shalom Beautiful babies. Guess what?! The gems at Farmhouse Magazine , one of my favey favealish reads online featuring fiction, non-fiction and poetry, alongside toe curling, subversive art, interviewed Schwartzy about my book, Emotionally Pantsed . Take a look. Ga'head . PS: Website is officially going live this weekend. Ya's can take a look at it in beta.