Katie Schwartz

The fabulous Crionaberry 's LA Writers Group has a booth at this year's West Hollywood Book Fair. Be sure to stop by and show your support! It's this weekend. Below are the details. Run. Go. Now. Before you solidify your fabulous weekend plans, make sure to schedule in an hour or so to stop by the West Hollywood Book Fair this Sunday, September 30th, and say hello to us! Admission is free, and we have our very own booth there! While you're there, ask us about our new one-day writing seminars, which we are announcing at the fair, and participate in the magical Exquisite Corpse writing exercise which we will later post on our Web site. Exquisite Corpse is an ongoing poem where each person writes two lines without seeing the preceding lines. We will also have a few groovy new LAwritersgroup.com T-shirts to purchase. At the West Hollywood Book Fair, check out this seminar with Rye-Rye 's wife, How to Make a Book a Success from 3:00-3:45pm with Betsy Amster, Barbara ...

Tonight at the Fixx in Chicago : Guthy's monthly smash hit reading series. Head on over this evening to hear from the editors of some of the finest literary journals going, Ninth Letter Arts & literary Journal and Hobart Journal . PS: Check out Guthy LIVE , LIVE, LIVE via podcast.

Nathan Lane might have broken ground on the first glory hole, but Queenie COCKer has given them new meaning. I love this kid. Bethy sent me some articles about him and I gotta tell ya, he's a fuckin' inspiration. Kid lives in a rural Southern ass backwards town. Thanks to the Internet and this fagellah's creativity, he's pushing his way out, and into the world. Think about all of the gay teens in similar circumstances that sadly become victims of hate crime or feel so desperate they take their own lives. Yeah, he's flamboyant, but he's fabulous. Of course he's not representative of many gay men. He's out there literally and figuratively. He needs a better stage name... Toss your ideas into the salad ;0 Associated Press and The Stranger (Beautiful interview). PS: Doesn't he look like Avril Levigne in that photo?

I would hate to have phone sex with someone I didn't know for fear they might have a heart attack during said p-sex. If I didn't know their address, what would I say, "Cough your address and I'll call 911?" There's no way I could just hang up and say, "Good luck ta'ya." If they died. Oy vey, the guilt would kill me. I suppose if it was post orgasm, it would diminish the guilt. I'm just speculating. Reaching? Semantics...

This afternoon at 5ish it started raining. It rarely rains in Los Angeles, especially this time of year. Me and The Kid always went to the park in the rain. The first rain was never missed. No matter what time it started raining, even if it was 3AM, we were at the patch playing catch. I've always loved the rain and so did The Kid. Watching him run and shake himself off, the way he smelled of wet dog when he got back into the car. After a few tosses, he would look up at the sky with his mouth stretched open catching each and every drop of rain. It was just PERFECT. The joy it brought me made my heart push through my chest. They were uninterrupted, complete moments. I cherished each one of them. When Guthy mentioned how much she loved the Avinu Malkeinu prayer , it reminded me of why I love this prayer, "Avinu malkeinu (Our Father, our King) is a penitential prayer that originated on fast days as a plea for rain." Etc. Etc. Etc. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Read . Yo...

As you know, Guthy is writing for Jewcy awwwl month. She's written some fabulous, funny and thoughtful posts about Jewchach, Madona and fasting. Be good boys and girls and read her entries. Comment galore. DIY Judaica and Such , An Open Letter to Madonna and To Fast or Not to Fast . I had no idea that fasting was such a hot topic. Guthy and the Jewcy readers made some really interesting points. Loved what Orieyenta said. That dame's got moxie. The Madonna post is FANTASTIC. It stirred quite a bit of controversy. You will love Adam Shprintzen's comments. They resonate. Check it out, peeps.

I started my menses yesterday. It came on strong, fast and hard. My womb is an outpouring of emotion. Oy, I'm just one hot mess, eh?! I am so happy to be menstruating. Everything is working and in order and right on time.

When my sister and I went to the laundrette the other night, the walls were climbing with men that felt so sex offenderee. They were in pairs. They were creepy and disheveled. The kinds of men that don't wear freshly laundered clothes because they're too busy trying to hide their electronic anklets and man tits. You know... side effect from the stop fucking young boys drugs they take. PS: Don't break up with me yet. Next week, I will be blogging wayyyyy more (towards the end of the week).

You have got to read our sweet, beloved Crionaberry's 6S. It kicks ass! Bitter Chick Channels Henry Chinaski . Run. Read. Now.

Have ya's heard about Mormons Exposed ? The calender of studly Missionaries that seeks to educate the masses about just how cool and easy going Mormons really are. Anybody want to fuck a Mormon? Yeah... Me neither. The double standards are unbearable. One of the calendar missionary muffins said that it would be ok if women participated, provided they weren't so exposed . According to him, it's ok for men to show their nipples, but not women. Ya know what, mormarooney, if you can show your tits, SO CAN I! Check out the Mormon's Exposed Promo...

Thanks to our sweet Lewchers for sending me the debacle that is the Leave Britney Alone video. Had he not, I might not have discovered just how queenylicious Chris Crocker really is. I'm listening to Take Me Out as gayspiration while writing this post. I love ChrisTINE because s he's just too much . It's deeper than her intoxicating plea video to Leave Britney Alone. My love affair for peenyette began when I read an MSNBC interview she did. When asked if she was worried about her fame being fleeting, one of the things she said was, "The public doesn’t make this diva, I’m already made." How can you not love her for that, alone. Being a former fagallah hagella, I appreciate her overbearing sense of drama and passion. I just love ha. I've thrown together a montage of her video greatness for your review and if you don't love ha hahd now, you will-- trust me. Chris's warning to men who try to fuck and run. Users. Add to My Profile More Videos T...

Ah, my father really does know how to dish up the rePUKEican party, doesn't he?! What's not to love.

NEW DEMOCRATIC BUMPER STICKERS FOR '08 1. Bush: End of an Error 2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway 3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First 4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran. 5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber. 6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President 7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant 8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? 9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight 10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore 11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance 12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It 13. Whose God Do You Kill For? 14. Jail to the Chief 15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq? 16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap 17. Bad President! No Banana. 18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language 19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them 20. Is It Vietnam Yet? 21. ...

A few days ago, I wrote about Big Vaginas , remember? Today, Bubbsie sent me the most fabulous link about the dangers of vaginal rejuvenation . FINALLY broads get to see that there really is a downside and that our wadgeys are fine just as God created them. When I asked him if I could post it, he said, " Of COURSE you should post it! That's why I sent it to you--I get clowns and perverts, you get vagina's ." Is that hilar squared or what?!

The High Holidays are upon us Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur . This is my favorite time of year. I get way too inside my head and my heart. Oy, do I peel the layers. I cleanse. I clean. I organize. I reflect about the choices I've made, the people in my life, where I'm going, where I've been, who and what I've lost. So, so, so much to ponder. This year feels different for many reasons. Some I know about and others I don't--not yet, anyway. The Kaddish , a prayer for the dead, has always been one of my favorite prayers. This year, reciting it will feel different, too. I just know that. Guthy is Jewcying all month about the High Holidays. Be sure to hit it daily and read her wonderful posts and don't forget to comment. Yesterday's post, " Sit, Already, and Have a Little Something " is filled with fabulous, funny heebaliciousness. Today's post, " Kindly, with Open Eyes? " is about tolerance and pausing for a quick shalom. Run. Nosh. Now....

I'm hawkin for the meshpucha on this eve of Rosh. My fabulous baby brother Nick created a tool on Facebook called iPredict . Kid's a genius. Adorable. 21-- Just turned, donchya know. Do you remember your 21st birthday?! Who does. This is the sweetest tool. You can predict the future. What's bad? You'll have a little fun, a good laugh and be a mensch all in one simple little click. Run. Review. Now . Tell all the teeny and twenty-something's you know all about it. Grazie.

We all know how Katie feels about a split pookie. It's just wrong on every level. Ain't nobody need to see a dame's lips literally pierced to her pants. The world knows ya got em'. When the pants fall there isn't a big reveal. However, with proper grooming and an air of mystery, it could be the pookiestravaganza event of the year. Coco is another story. She was born to exude her cavernous taco. It would be rude not to recognize and support that commitment. I'm actually talking about something quite different. The dame who wears... I can't even say it. Ok, ready, set... leggings . PS: She also listens to Michael Bolton. This same leggings bird features her VAGINA in a way that makes her vadge look bulbous, like a drunken Bukowski nose. To accentuate the massive box even more , she wears a slinky top. I'm not trying to be cunty here, but the legging vadge I saw yesterday was like nothing I have ever seen in my life. She's a shorty like me. She's p...

The High Holidays are upon us. Guthy is writing again on Jewcy . She wrote a spectacular post about this most introspective time for our people. Run. Read. Learn. It's absolutely beautiful. " All I wish I could Say in a Sentence When Asked to do so " Have you downloaded the FIRST ISSUE of Astonishing Adventures Magazine ? You have got to read it. There are over 180 pages of no joke pulp art and writing. There's a great mix of up and coming and established writers. The stories are so, so, sooooo well written. The art is sexy pulp squared. Over 5,000 downloads so far! The positive reviews have been pouring in. Are you plotzing?! AAM has skyrocketed straight to the top. You've got to read it. PS:: Cormac Brown's piece "Tit for Tat" (page 28) is so divine, it will run chills up your spine. It's a swoony yarn, my friends. Run. Read. Now.

I have decided that little dogs are Pussy Pooches . My mother was telling me about this couture canine store she read about that sells, are you ready? WIGS FOR DOGS : long and blond. Bouffant fire engine red. Sultry black bobs. The whole nine yards. The shame...

Before heading out to my doctor's appointment last week, I ran into my postal broad who I happen to like because she's so dishy. She was diligently filling our boxes with bills and asked me where my big black dog was. It's the second time I've been asked (I know you're sick of the death lament. Build a bridge, bitches). It seems I still haven't mastered the art of deathversation. I said, "Dead". She said, "No, shit. For reals? Why"? My first thought was, No, I'm lying, schmuck. Then I thought, has she never heard of the word empathy? What about diplomacy? I have a Webster's that we could've perused together as a family. Then I thought, maybe she thinks I whacked The Kid. Battling between quippy response and sincerity, I was so heartbroken by the reminder, I pussed out. So, I cried and explained that he had abdominal sepsis. BIG-MISTAKE. Without missing a beat in distributing each tenant's mail, she managed to express herself...

The Kid died one month ago today. That occurred to me just a few hours ago. I kept telling myself today was August 31st. It's September 1st. I KNOW. Happy Anniversary is wildly inappropriate. It's right up there with going to a non-Jewish funeral and asking who will be attending the after party . Guilty. I worked on an essay about hagamuffin today and recalled so many fabulous memories. I laughed and I cried. It was cathartic. It was difficult and that's OK. I still miss him so much. I think I always will. I need to learn to live with that, which I will do... eventually.

My dad sent me an Alice Walker (love her so much, I can't stand it) essay. The below is excerpted from, Crimes Against Dog , from her book, We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For: Light in a Time of Darkness . Have you read it? I just bought it-- can't wait to read it. Alice Walker is the earth mother incarnate. What a divine soul... The Crimes Against Dog essay was in this month's Ecologist Magazine . My dad is so green. Who knew?! Anywho... The essay made me feel so much better for a million different reasons. It's a beautiful read. Scroll down. Crimes Against Dog Alice Walker For Wendy My dog, Marley, was named after the late music shaman, Bob Marley. I never saw or heard him while he was alive, but once I heard his music, everything about him-his voice, his trancelike, holy dancing on stage, his leonine dreadlocks-went straight to my heart. He modeled such devotion to the well-being of humanity that his caring inspired the world; I felt a more sincere individual ...

I'm in the middle of a wild miscommunication with a now former friend. it makes me crazy when someone who knows me, really knows me , takes something I say and decides that I'm someone I'm not without taking the soul of who I am into consideration. that wouldn't send a flag pole of ire up your ass?! oh, please, missy. you know it would. on the eye inFUCKtion front, it's still going strong, thank you very much. itchy-burny-stabby-painy-blurry. whatev. I've reached new heights of ocular ugliness. at least it's not ebola or cancer. a girl has to be grateful and maintain perspective, doesn't she?! indeed she fucking does.

not 1, not 2, not 3.... 7 of ya's broke up with me. WTF?! a girl's dog peels. she gets an eye infection and now you're done with her chubby jew ass? that's nice, real nice. you didn't think I'd find out, didjya? I'm not that stupid, putzeem. go. run. have a katiefree labor fucking day weekend. see if I care.