insomnia solutions


should I...
1. bang my head against a wall?
2. swallow a bottle of pills I can't pronounce?
3. masturbate to the sound of music?
4. thank god I'm not danny bonaduce?
5. make a cons list about sleeping?
6. pee on the floor while singing the national anthem?
7. fantasize about bush being impeached and escorted out of the oral office?
8. play my saxophone naked while eating squeeze cheese and crackers?
9. mercy fuck the homeless man who walked into my house that day. remember?
10. bang my head against a door?

Comments

Anonymous said…
Conflating numbers three and four works a treat for me. Susan Dey figures in there as well sometimes, though she is always a necessary 30lbs heavier.
3:01 AM
Joe said…
#3 used to work like a charm when I had to work midnights. Give it a whirl.
7:07 AM
EditorJDC said…
"8. play my saxophone naked while eating squeeze cheese and crackers?"

Yummmmm, squeeze cheese.
JDC
8:25 AM
Anonymous said…
'squeeze cheese' is only one molecule away from being plastic ya know!
9:03 AM
EditorJDC said…
That molecule makes the difference - yummm.

I have no idea why I love that stuff, but I do.

JDC
11:49 AM
Cup said…
Masturbation never works for me on sleepless nights. It wakes me up ... leading me to peruse the craigslist personals at 3 a.m. ... and that starts all sorts of trouble in my world.

Same with the Bush fantasy.

Have you tried warm milk with lots of bourbon?
1:46 PM
Mountjoy said…
Is it the alloy of Masturbation and Julie Andrews that makes for a potent sleeping aid? Or could you frig yourself to any old movie? Or is it that the Sound of Music will put you to sleep regardless, but playing with your Von-Trapp gets you there faster? This needs further exploration.
5:04 PM
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