Katie Schwartz

This is so fucking brilliant and hilar squared! You must watch it now. Nothing like a little Bush bashing to make a liberal's vulva start twitching gleefully in the am.

So, yeah, I'm menstruating. I started yesterday. I had quite the mood swing molly pms experience this month. Cramps are doable. As for my down there's gush factor, well, let's just say that it's best if I keep me legs closed for a few days. On a thrilling note, I am menstruating with two women I love. This makes me very happy. I don't know why that is. Oh, wait, yes I do. It makes me feel even more connected to them. Did we all read about Wisconsin Right to Life's love letter sent to 40,000 people in Racine, Wisconsin, containing a plastic fetus? Dave and Bonnie Obernberger, with the Racine County chapter of Wisconsin Right to Life, are the people behind the mailing. "They said the plastic figure represents an 11- or 12-week fetus. They sent it out this week to mark the 35-year anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade, the Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion." Dave Obernberger said, "I pray that they'll look at it a little more than being offended ...

Bethy , our favorite blogger, the dame who color coordinates her reading glasses with her outfits (I fuckin' love that so hard), tagged me for the seven things you don't know about me, meemish. Have you read her seven? FANTASTIC. Please read it. You'll love it. Run. Read. Now . In honor of Bethy, I'm doing this while listening to "Midnight Train to Georgia". This is a stretch because there are so many things you know about me and will know about me this spring WHEN you read my book. Hey, a girl has to stay positive! Jumping to conclusions is also my favorite past time and sport of choice. So, ya know... 1. While it's true that I am queen of the cocksuckers, I have a wicked gag reflex. Not when noshing on cocsicles. No, mine is attributed to scent and food (look/texture/scent). If someone is bathed in cheap perfume, I will start gagging and potentially vomit. Overwhelmingly aromatic Thai foods, anything with eyeballs, fish, and peanut sauce (makes my teeth...

Coco's vagina for the blind. Menstrual lips: when the twins get a reprieve for a job well done. These lips were made for talking. Fuck you, Revlon. I told you my lips were famous. Coco's PETA lips. HELLOOOOOO. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! THIS IS MUHAMMAD ALI. My bloggyJewpal, Adylish scent me a fabulous, fuck-off link called Smell Me And . It's the perfect spokesvadge gig for the Cocster. In Vulva's own words: "Vulva original is not a perfume. It's a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your smelling pleasure." When Coco's cooch runs out of steam from being split to death, thank God she has Vulva to turn to. Such a shondj she isn't working for them.

Editor JDC of Astonishing Adventures Magazine has meemed me. WAIT. You've purchased the second copy of AAM, yes? You haven't?! Go, right now and get yourself a copy. It's SIGNED. Buy a copy and come back. Lewch created a personal meme called " 5 Things you regret and 5 things you don't ." You have to read his. It's so honest. Oy, that boy just doesn't hold back. I'm hoping he moves into some non-fiction action. Anywho. He tagged Writer Procrastinator , Madam Z , Ms. Guth , Dale and Jewgirl. Here's the dish: "You’ve just learned that tomorrow you will die at sunrise. Tell me the five things you regret and the five things you don’t regret." I actually try very hard not to have regrets. One of my favorite singers Beth Orton wrote this beautiful song called the Sweestest Decline . One of the lyrics is something that I repeat often and try to live by, "What are regrets? They're just lessons we haven't learned yet." Ka...

"The following three videos describe the very real phenomenon of women and couples buying fake babies called 'Re-Borns.' These 'Re-Born' dolls are oftentimes taken as emotional and physical substitutes for actual infants. This trend has been documented in Britain as well as the U.S. This is their story. Living Dolls : Explore the extraordinary lives of women who buy hand-crafted life-like dolls called 'Re-Borns'. Treated as real infants and costing hundreds of dollars these 'human' babies cry, squirm and are the objects of intense affection by their 'mothers'. Loved like real babies, they're taken for walks, bathed and even have their diapers changed." glumbert - My Fake Baby The fuck is wrong wit people, huh?! You have to watch the entire video. If you love me, if I mean anything to you at all, you will. However, for those with a weak stomach, please visit this off the hook creepy ass website called... Re-Borns . This is such a B...

Coco's vagina has consumed FEMA. Southern States pummeled by floods and avalanches are unable to provide assistance to residents. It's mayhem and madness. Residents were hoping that FEMA would get a reprieve from Coco's vagina. However, it's rumored that FEMA is trapped behind the Red Cross, Bush's dignity, and hundreds of North Korean nuclear missiles. Governor Jim Gibbons-R of Nevada said, "This is no time for one of those liberal vaginapaloozas. Our citizens are in dire need of assistance. They're literally drowning. Six hours ago, we sent dozens of choppers and marines into Coco's vagina, hoping to liberate FEMA. We lost contact about an hour ago. But, we haven't given up. We're staying the course." In a news conference that aired on ABC this morning, Bill Ritter-D of Colorado said, "Coco's vagina has already claimed too many countries, cities and lives. We will no longer be a hostage to Coco's vagina." He believes Ros...

Major dish beautiful babies. Amy Guth is launching Chicago's first Literary Festival and it's called... Drum roll, please... Pilcrow . Is that tits or what? Oh, yeah it is! If you're in Chicago from May 22nd-May 25th, come on ovah. Check out Amy's post about the festival and how it came to be: IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY . Visit the Pilcrow website , to stay abreast of attendees, sponsors and events. Subscribe to Pilcrow's RSS feeds , too. Speaking of sponsors... Which one a'youse has chach and such, to donate? Come on, spill it. Guess what?! Ready? I'm on the attendee list. I'm fuckin' plotzing. My first scheduled reading is at Guthy's The Fixx Reading Series on May 22nd with diva Jami Attenberg . We love'ha work. She's got moxie. All of this fabulousness is hosted by the delish dame Amy . You must come! This event is going to be flawless squared. You know it and I know it.

Where was Bubbsie today?! Evidently, I'm a bullettard, so today when I heard six loud booms, I was surprised. I said to myself, "No, those weren't bullets. No way. It's 3:04 in the afternoon." Pause. Check body for holes. "Were those bullets? Should I call the police? What would I say to 911, I think I heard bullets, but I'm too much of a fucktard to know for sure and I'd hate to put you out." Not two minutes later, three motorcops rolled on through and were aksin' all kinds a Q's. Within 10 minutes, the street was blocked off and the streets were swarming with detectives, CSIs, uniforms, the whole she-bang. Here's the scoop.... Two guys in a mercedes wearing ski masks drove by and shot two machine guns into the air. They were aiming for the building next to mine and the building across the street. Okay, whatever happened to drive-by etiquette? Don't these things happen before dawn or late at night? The schmuck who planned this a...

New Year's Eve isn't always something to be celebrated. Before you beat me with a stick and put a hex on me, so that in my next life, I come back as an ambisextrous-leprechaun-midget with ferocious gas and a lazy eye, let me explain. Thanks. The natural order of January 31st is to end one year and move into a new year. It's a death/birth thing. As the clock strikes midnight, it doesn't change the events you've been through or will go through. Whatever hurts your insides, is still going to hurt, it might even hurt worse for whatever reason. Pending mishagos, uncertainty, sadness, none of those things wash away at the stroke of midnight. All of that being said, what I cherish the most about the death/birth aspect of a new year is the concept of hope, gratitude and the opportunity to implement change. I think if you've had a shitfuck year, celebrating the fact that you're still standing, to bring in the new year is a positive thing. Or maybe for some, there is ...