Katie Schwartz

We're so bullet pointing right now. It's my latest obsession yet again... And, wait, I'm in non-sequitur mode. I am OCD about looking for themes in my life, both positive and negative. Precipitated by my insatiable desire to unearth the origin of issues and answers to questions. I'm also a raging pain in my own ass and the ass of others. For such an ass driven bird, you'd think I'd love anal sex, but I don't. Go figure?! Have you noticed that as we get older, we have more days where we say, "Today was great, but," instead of "Today was great, period"? I need new bras and I am so not in the mood to go rack shopping. The hallways in the buildink I'm living in smell like mold. Creepy. Calling the slumlord on Monday to hock a chinek. I'm ovulating. Week was good, but... I'm so dull today. Forgive me. Tomorrow, I'll post something dishylish.

I don't watch reality television because it takes jobs away from writers. However , I have recently discovered a new guilty pleasure (thanks to my ma) that I am so fucking OCD about, I'm considering breaking up with bullet points , another OCD'ism of the minute. My Big Redneck Wedding . Let's discuss. Gail and John's wedding and oh what a wedding it was. They have a paper route. He peed his proposal and she thought that was the most romantic thing evah . His sport of choice is drinking Budweiser. Together, they have about six teeth. In fact, on Gail's wedding day when her teeth were MIA, her mother asked, "Wanna use mine?" I thought I'd heard everything, I was wrong. You can read all about their wedded bliss here . Their hoopa was made of beer cans. When they ran short, hubby-to-be lovingly offered to down a case a' Bud , to fill it out, you know, make it beerier . Their love affair with Bud runs so deep, their table vases were made of em...

You know you're white trash when you see your apartment manager walking by your window (in between apartment buildings) and you yell, "Hey, can I give you my rent check for this month?" He responds by saying, "Yah--Chaaaakay." You say, "Do you want me to hand it to you through the hole in my screen, or do you want to come to my front door?"

Guthyroo just hooked me up with Twitter and it is super festive. It's a one-line dream come true. I'm fittin'tah one-line myself into a twitting frenzy. Twitter me ! PS: I posted a picture of myself :)

Look what I found in my box today?! Aside from the fact that I'm a VADGE and there is a glaring typo " fie" instead of " fine" , they've made this dame a raging cunt- hate that (and her high, tight rack. Bitch ). Women don't behave this way. Women aren't cunty. Women don't emasculate men. That is not how we roll, yo. UPDATE : From the fabulous and flawless MonkeyMucker : Actually hon that's not a typo. the word "fie" is a somewhat rare wordthat is used to denote scorn or used in place of a swear or curse word.It was more popular in the old days, like say during the 16th thru 19th centuries . Who knew?! I had no idea. Simianboy, you're a wealth of knowledge. Grazie. Penis enlargement patches also do not work. If you want to keep your junk intact, don't be stickin' things in it, or on it that can damage the meat bat. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about your manhood, either. It's your dick, live it. Love it....

I'm wildly in love with this image. I found it on Abduzeedo . It's so vinty dream , isn't it?! What a fuckin' week. I didn't know where to throw myself. By Tuesday, fucking Tuesday (do you believe?!), bridges seemed doable. I felt like someone was living up my ass and building cities with overcrowded highways filled with speeding drivers. I'm so glad it's over. My new website is up. HOWEVER, I'm trying to get a fly designer to give it a jhush. Will keep yas posted and give yas the URL when it's bettah. Lewchie sent me the cover for AAM edition three last week and it is so fucking hot and sexy, it took my wig off, yo. Here's the dish on the third installment, it's going to be off the mothah' fuckin' hook.

See that little handycon up there? Great. This lil baby appears below the word verification on blogger when you leave your comments. But, only if you have word verification in place. If you don't, no wheeliecon appears. The other day, I clicked the seated ambisextrous stick figure on wheels because I was curious. I turned up the volume on my lappy as a just in case and I was super glad I did. Remember those mix tape days when you'd record song after song over one tape, and the tape got so old, it played three songs at once? It sounded like zzp-zzeeep-jshuup-zzp-zzzmmm. Yeah, that's the wheeliecon sound. I'm trying to figure out how this benefits the blind. Blind people might want to comment, but can't. How the fuck do you plug in "zzp-zzeeep-jshuup-zzp-zzzmmm"?! I'm all twisted up about it. I think we should all eliminate word verification and kvetch to Google about it. This is what I feel. Are you with me? Other dish... Guthyroo sent me a fabulous Ka...