Katie Schwartz

I'll be dipped in Jesus' shit, I think the Christian site I'm way OCD about broke the fuck up with me. I am hoppin' fuckin' mad. That's not right. It's the holidays. Either you break up with someone a month before Thanksgiving or after the first week of January. That's a break-up rule. Not to mention the fact that it's very anti-Christian. What if I was on the road to redemption?! What about my soul? Has she no interest in salvaging that?! Mother fucker.

Here's a sampling of the below video.... Do not get comfy. Seek only to be filled by Jesus. Don't be a friend of the world, that's adultery. Only be friends with God. If you listen to Jesus, you can't be co-opted. Don't put a crippled lamb on the alter. Man up. When he forgives us, he forgets we whacked him. That Jesus is such a mensch. Stop playing footsie with other religions. If you preach self-help and someone drops dead without optioning into J's program. Their blood is on your hands. Make sure other people are comfy. Tickle their ears. Try to help God along. Don't get twitchy, he's coming. Chill. Watch it.

My sister and I schlepped to the Beverly Hills AT&T / Cingular store today to get her an iphone. We've banned the other locations closest to us because of their dead dog jokes. Ker is "i" obsessed these days. It started with an ipod 3 months ago. A month ago, she broke up with PC and bought a Macbook. She's now a no-joke igirl. Anywho, as we were heading into the store, we noticed a stream of people leaving the Episcopalian church across the way and can I just tell you that I had no idea what great racks Episcopalian birds have. It's unbelievable or it's just Beverly Hills. These blond broads hiked up their hooters, their skirts and broke out their deepest v-necks for Jesus. I nevah saw such a thing. When my people go to shul, we don't usually inject silicon into our lips and slut-up for God. I guess episkys do, which, if you think about it, is kind of a refreshing change from the prairie muffin crew. I need to stop blogging now and write. Must focu...

I cracked a mother fuckin' cock suckin' tooth-with-filling last night. fuck.fuck.motherfuck. FYI: It's very uncomfortable. I woke up again at 4AM with class-5 cramps and a tsunami bursting through the clam dam. I got the lovliest, sweetest holiday cards from monkeyboy and bethylish . Isn't that so menschy. Thank you guys. I also got a postcard from Teeny . She's in Egypt. She said, "Eh, you've seen one tomb, you've seen em' all." Funny, no?! Back to the cunt fit. I am so mad ! Six weeks prior to The Kid peeling, I found out that my next door neighbor's dog peeled. My heart broke for her. She chose to get another dog, so I got her some dog chach. It was such a difficult time for her and I wanted to be supportive of her choice. Welllllll, do you know that since my dog peeled, I've run into this cunt a half dozen times and each time, she hasn't said word one to me. I am fuckin' furious about this. She won't even look me in...

Go GodTube, Go. Smooth move telling these beautiful voracious bottoms to be and gorgeous lesbian divas eager to come out, how very wrong they are for knowing in their hearts and souls they are gay. Good job. Good job. Good job.

For the love of God, if I mean anything to you at all, I beg you to watch this. It is so fucking funny. It's also sick and wrong on several if not all levels. It's how they indoctrinate children into going zealy nuts. Josh let his friend die before sharing the one thing he could.... his personal relationship with Jesus Christ .

This morning when I was cruising the news, I saw this video of cats being cloned to glow in the dark. That's cruel, offensive and deeply disturbing. Call me stupid, but why is it that cats need to glow in the dark? This qualifies as a noteworthy scientific endeavor because?!?!?!?