Katie Schwartz

I broke up with J Crew, but we got back together. I’ve noticed that a lot of Born Agains are starting to follow me on Twitter . To be clear, I don’t mean Christians or Catholics, I mean Zealarellas (zealots). I’m wondering… What part of me screams save me ? Wanna read more ? Of course you do! Kidding. If you do, fab. If not, I understand. No pressure, no guilt. I'm a freak.

The non-sequitur post from hell. The emails I’ve received for the wrong KatieGirl@gmail.com are worth reporting: UPDATE: Received today 11/14 “I can’t poo any longer i thought my butt was stronger! but I need your help to tacke this deamen out! Juust stick your hand up there and move it everywhere until u u puulll it. Ouuuuttttt ooooo ya ya yaaaa!!!!!!!!!” I bought software from StreamingFlix.com under the name Katherine. For the record, it’s Katie Louie Schwartz, mothah fuckah . Ga'head, read the rest ...

Susan Ledgerwood Other Worldly Visual Storyteller , She’s All About YOU Susan Ledgerwood. You might know her via Twitter @ SoyGoy . You might be a “ Fan ” of Susan’s work on Facebook. If you’re not following her on Twitter or have become a fan of her work on Facebook, after reading about her and seeing her work, you will be. Read the rest and see her work! You'll plotz.

I am going to cross-post on The Vey what I post on KatieSchwartz.com. I miss it. The Vey, I mean. What's news and exciting, you ask? Posting now. Stay tuned. I have insomnia and lots to dish.

Beautiful babies, I have officially moved. I will not be deleting this blog, ever. I am in a new spot where I will be ranting and raving. You know how I do. Come visit me at KatieSchwartz.com . Come on, don't be shy. You can do this. We'll do it as a family. Ready. Set. Click .

BREATHE. STAY WITH ME. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OOOOKAAAAY. IF YOU CLICK THIS LINK , I PROMISE IT WON'T BITE. LOVING...

@ Anastasia_Smith of The Sister Project , follow them on Twitter @ sisters , wrote a gorgeous post about her thyroid, sisterhood and Dear Thyroid. Please read, From The Threads of Thyroid Tales . Thank you! Isn't she a honey? Click on over and read. *cross posted at DearThyroid .

This morning I woke up to Old Jews Telling Jokes in my box, courtesy of my girl, FranIAm . OJTJ is so funny, I think I want to marry the website.

Good morning! If you've been following my tweets, @katieschwartz , you know that my pal VeronicaWords , is working like a dawg to, well, save dawgs. From VW: "Here’s the scoop from @VeronicaWords : vote 4 us! http://is.gd/3EQR Fill in Pike County Humane Society Milford PA & Search. then select us. Animal verification, that’s it!". It's a great shelter and you can vote every day, so please do. They're in desperate need of the fundage. Off you go to vote for canine hope . My dad joined Twitter, @jsbrooklyn . I'm plotzing. @TanyaEspanya , doll that she is, friended my pops. As far as dark humor is concerned, you'll quickly learn the apple does not in fact fall far from the tree, not at all. Friend him, ga'head. I think he knows how to follow back, if not my brother, @nicktony will show him, I'm sure. I'm obsessing about the song, Caribbean Queen, for reasons I can't explain, and the mispronunciation of the word, "Caribbean". I...

In response to the Red Envelope Project , I have launched the Silver Envelope Project . I posted about my disdain and contempt for the REP, you might have read it here, Abortion, The Breakfast of Champions . My objective for the Silver Envelope Project is for legions of women who are pro-choice, to join me in posting written letters, video letters and photo/collage letters to the Silver Envelope Project blog, to virally syndicate our message as aggressively as they are. I hope you'll review and send me lots of letters and get involved!

As we've discussed a blog is one part confessional, right? Right. Today, I was reminded of the ultimate shamevent, I was with my ma and we were at the Farmer's Market buying produce, minding our own business when I happened upon my ex . He didn't see me -- I saw him -- which was MORE than enough to make me run -- like a virgin towards the starting quarterback. I flew through the market. My ma, is, of course, fast on her feet and didn't need me to explain anything, she just followed. PS: That's love. So terrified he would see me, I made my way into the back of the market and dove into a dumpster. Yes, I know that's disgusting. Whatevs, a girl does what a girl has to do. A few minutes later, I could hear my mother laughing her ass off while leaning against the dumpster, so I peeked my head out of the top. Through tears, she said to me, "What the fuck is wrong with you, child?" I whispered, "I saw my ex, he was buying avocados. Remember he used to ca...

Nice ad, huh? Circa 19-we-call-fat-laaaydies-chubbies . Of course we've "evolved" past this. Presently, we just quickly look away from said chubbette for fear of catching fat , which makes perfect sense, it was in the NY Times . If you've been following my tweets , you know that I am completely OCD about my kitchen window neighbor's shower habits. They shower 4-5 times a day. I keep wondering; if there are only two of them, what could they possibly be doing that requires such excessive showering. Are they rolling in mud? Peeing on themselves? Working out 24/7? Smoking meat? Then I wonder, wait, maybe people have increased their daily showering, maybe that's the norm, maybe it's the thing to do , and I'm just a skanky dirty whore for showering once a day. I'm in a weird mood. I have insomnia. Oh, before I forget, thank you sooo much for the birthday wishes. My birthday was February 7th. Like the latetard that I am, I didn't get around to postin...

What kind of a schmuck do you have to be to dive into a polar bear enclosure at a zoo? How completely fucktardian are you?! I'm just grateful the PB's weren't injured. Polar bear mauls woman at zoo , wouldn't you if some asshole came into your house?

Menses just commenced. It's 1:14 AM. I was asleep. That felt good. At 12:24, I popped up. I think I'm awake, maybe awakeish is more accurate. I'm always surprised when those handy-soapy-foamy-bottles run out of soap. For some lame ass reason, it never occurs to me that they ever will. They feel so lifetime supply , even though the bottles aren't more than 8 inches tall. Similarly, when I flip on a light switch and the light flickers to its death, I think "Now what?" Duh, schmuckette, you change the fucking light bulb . Intellectually, I know this, yet for some odd reason, it never comes to mind. In fact, a few years ago, my mother walked into my house and said, "Why aren't the lights working?" I said "I don't know, I flick the switch and they don't work." After a fit of uproarious laughter, she said, "Would it kill you to change the light bulb?” Hmmm. "No", I shamefully responded. I wonder why... it is that I hav...

Dwarfs just flashed in my brain for some bizarre reason. Oh, this post isn't dwarf driven. Wait, are we allowed to say dwarf or is that un-PC? Speaking of dwarfs, abortion. No, silly, I'm not saying you should abort a dwarf baby if you find yourself knocked up with one, gosh no. I just couldn't find a decent segue into abortion after mentioning dwarfs. Don't be offended, it's not like I said you should abort a Down Syndrome baby or a retarded baby, or are they one and the same? That I know is un-PC, to say retarded. In my defense, I don't actually come out and say "Retarded", I say "Rahtaardd ed ". See the difference, it's subtle. I am getting so fucking sidetracked right now. I hope you're not offended. I haaate being offended, it's such a nauseating ish feeling. When I'm offended, I feel dirty from the inside out, overcome with a kind of helplessness and a boiling anger, akin to being felt up without my consent. Super unfes...

FreakyJewelry sent me these gorgeous earrings for my birthday and I am wild about them. THANK YOU, FJ. I LOVE MY B-DAY PREZZIE. I took a picture of these beauties. Unfortunately the blur factor was so high, it hardly did them justice, see: FJ makes the coolest gem earrings, necklaces and quirky/dark jewels I've seen in ages. She's such a talent. You must check out her jewels and treat yourself to one of her pieces. Darryle Pollack , the brains behind Cluttercast , formerly known as Click for Clutter, I've blogged about it plenty, you're up to speed, yes? Yes , sent me three FABULOUS scarves as a birthday gift! They are the kitschiest of kitsch, and the colors are so vibrant and stunning. Love at first sight, I tell ya. I started tying these beautiful babies to my pocketbook like my grandmother used to do, ah the memories, such bliss. THANK YOU SO MUCH, DARRYLE, FOR MY SCARVES. And, from Diva B. Coffey , I got an awesome gift card to tarjhay. I'd post the pic, b...

This week had a theme, a pretty straightforward one too: "Katie, Wilma Fingerdo", laced with syphilis, oozing herpes sores, attached to a gnome wearing a trollee-esq mask when you least expect it, EVERY FUCKING DAY?! I met with optadaddy on Monday to discuss my lady balls. While I appreciate his enthusiasm for Graves' ophthalmology because really, if a doctor has a raging hard on for something that's ailing you, s/he's the DR you want. Right? Right. I'm in the chair. Between us is the peeper machine that scopes your balls. While he's fondling mine with said machine, he's going on and on and on about his latest study with rabbits and rats and their peepers popping. Again, I appreciate his enthusiasm, but do I really need the deets? I said, "My sister had a rabbit named Clovis", thinking this would ignite the, oh-I've-said-too-much-gene, and make him stop. On the contrary, he didn't. After the fondlefest, I said, "Ya know, DRB, I r...

The dish, rapid fire... Shall we bullet point this baby or what? Okay, here we go. My youngest brother, Nick is a social media God. He Twittered with Mc Hammer from 33,000 feet . Isn't he a honey?! In honor of Ada Lovelace Day , one of my Twitter dishing buddies, BitDepth , has written a lovely post about women in New Media and he GENEROUSLY included me. To be in the company of the women he wrote about is quite an honor. If you haven't read his blog , check it out. He is a photographer and a filmmaker. His work is rich and luscious, like his personality. Tuesday was suuuuhhhhrrrrrrreal. Wednesday I had to re-pee in a bucket, but failed miserably. The whole thing was entirely too nauseating. Let's just say I jeopardized the specimen. Thursday morning I had a date with Urarella (Nephroqueen). He's so dramatic, my God. Only 8 viles of blood on the wall, 8 viles of blood, if one should happen to fall... Anyway, he want ed me to have an MRI. However, as of Friday, I have ...

From Joe: Hi everybody! I'm tied up at work and won't have a chance to get this up on Sprawling Ramshackle Compound for a while, so I need your help. Our daughter Nora is a semi-finalist in the Fangoria Spooksmodel contest . Right now she's kind of bummed out because she's getting her ass kicked in the voting--she's competing against a more than a few softcore porn actresses and pro models. Please click on the link (here it is again: Fangoria Spooksmodel ) and scroll down until you see Nora O'Sullivan in her evil nurse costume. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD VOTE FOR THIS GIRL. Nobody loves horror more than Nora, and she needs to place in the top 13 to go to the finals in L.A. Vote early and often, it's easy, and forward this to any gorehounds you know, or anyone who just loves to vote in internet contests. I really appreciate it. She'd love to see her numbers climb. Take care, and thanks for reading! Joe Run . Go . Vote .

Our beloved blogging buddy, Beth Coffey is having a SUPER DUPER BIRTHDAY TODAY . Click over and wish that dame a very happy birthday. Bethy, the world is a better place because you're in it. I celebrate you every day, today is extra special because you were born. You are loved and adored by many. You're a good friend, a great person and you have a heart of gold. I wish you the world, my dear. My this year bring you everything your lovely soul desires. Love, Jewgirl

A few weeks ago, I joined two incredible women, Joy Hurwitz and Belle Zwerdling , to form Three Dames With A Clue , a women's collective that produces live, filmed, interactive theatre coined My Authentic Expression. Each month, a new topic is tabled and guided by 3-4 panelists, paired with an online series of interviews featuring some of the web's most prolific women writers and artists. Some you might even know, FranIAm and KarenZipdrive . As you can see, we've got some really kick ass dames coming out for this. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, we'll be posting new interviews. Our first show is slated for May 11th in Los Angeles. Location TBA. I will keep youse posted. If you're in LA, please e-stalk me for reservations. Tickets are FREE. Parking is 5 bucks. Free appetizers. Cocktails and beverages are totally doable. Nothing crazy price wise. After all, we are in a recession.

Oh, how I love and appreciate a blog award, especially this one, the Sisterhood Award , from a dame I adore, Liberality Liberal . LL has bestowed this award on some bloggers I am looking forward to reading because their blogs sound way up my alley. One of the bloggers, Mauigirl, I adore sooo much. Thanks Libbylib, I'm a lucky dame. What I love most about the Sisterhood Award is what it means to me: camaraderie, mutual respect, appreciation for other women, elevating and uplifting, not degrading or disrespecting, and feeling connected, not because all women are going to like each other cause'ns we're of the Vsuasion. Though, it would be great if we could, at the very least be there for each other in some small way. Maybe even help each other achieve our goals, instead of trying to take a sistah' down. That just ain't right. I see a lot of that, as I'm sure we all have, and experienced it, too. Most unfestive, donchya think? Yeah... I know. The origin of sisterhoo...

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE::: THANKS TO MONKEYSTUDMUFFIN'S COMMENT, I HAVE FIXED THE LINK TO BUBBSIE'S ESSAY ON FARMHOUSE . THANKS, MONKEYSTUD There are a million reasons we love Bubbsie. He's dark: and funny as hell: We love his writing, the child can spin a yarn like nobody's business. A few of Bubbsie's treasured topics are Clowns , Alligators , and of course, who could live without his FREAK OF THE WEEK series. GUESS WHAT, our Bubsielicious has spun a disturbingly sick and funny non-fiction story, running in the spring edition of Farmhouse Magazine . This might be Bubbsie's first stop, that we know of, but one thing we are most certain about is that it's just the beginning -- This kid's got mad writing skills. Click on over and read about his Day With Antonia .

This song bugs the mother fucking shit out of me for reasons I really don't know. It could be the nasally-stuck-in-his-throat harmony of Time Passages , though I'm not certain. How mizzy does the broad look in this picture? To me, she screams: "Dress, stuff and roast you're own fucking turkey." I agree with her completely. Living in 2009, I have the privilege and luck of saying as much. I'm irritated with nephroqueen's new medication. I think it's giving me headaches and making me tired. I'd call him Monday, but I'm seeing him on Tuesday. Gee, I can't fucking wait. I'm so excited. My nicknames for my nephrologist are: Obviously, nephroqueen, nephroboy, nephrologyboy, nephroasspain, kidneyologist, urinequeen, urarella, blood-and-urine-sucking-vampire, and I think that's pretty much it. Got any new ones for me? I'm addicted to Twitter , much more so than Facebook, not sure how I feel about Facebook or if I really want to assign a...

If you haven't figured it out yet, I love Vanessa Hidary 's spoken word and I'm not much of a spoken wordian. This broad is off the mothah fuckin' hook. Watch! Oh, and when you're done, a gift from my friend Crionaberry , a personal ad with a TABLE OF CONTENTS. Oh yes, a TOC, beautiful babies.

So, on Twitter today, I discovered some kick ass dish from some folks I'm following. From @ Rex7 , what does a trillion dollars look like ? Click it, the visual will take your wig off! From @ dcagle , Tattoo Barbie . Ha. Liberality , I got your comment, I'm on it, babycakes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bubbsielicious of the Sprawling Ramshackle sent me a gift this week via email that is truly flawless . Behold the sagiest of sage words dripping from the below Craigslistian ad posting. Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no wa...

"The Hebrew Mamita" Vanessa Hidary (Def Poetry)

Two of my good friends are dispensing much needed pearls of wisdom. Al Sensu of Hard and Fast (I adore this man). He dishes up in-your-face sex advice and answers every taboo question you can't think of, yes, it's true. With a smile, a dash of wit and a lot of heart, he responds to at least 50 + queries a month. Being the doll baby he is, he never publishes email addy's, so you can e-stalk him knowing he will vigorously protect your privacy. SinJin Merriweather of AskSinJin (I adore this man, too. Does that make me slutty?). From the inane, to the bizarre, whatever you want to know, SinJin can toss a pearl your way. He's sharp as a whip, funny and very insightful. Like Al, he also believes in protecting your identity. Check em' out and e-stalk them Q's. They're great dishy blokes.

This morning, my good friends at Echelon Magazine (if you haven't perused this read, click on over and check it out, it's wonderful. PS: Their weekly newsletter kicks ass. You can also follow them on Twitter if you're Twittering, that is. @ Echelon_mag . Back to my yarn... When I clicked on the link Michael sent me and saw this headline Soy is making kids 'gay' , I thought, no. No way is this schmuck that stupid. Turns out, he is! Though vintage, circa 2006, the original yarn was posted here . I've bolded my favorite parts. Soy is making kids 'gay' There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular. Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food. (Good to know, I was wor...

T-Mobile Germany launched their new commercial. It was shot at Liverpool station in London . They used 400 dancers and 10 hidden cameras. No one but the station employees and dancers knew what was going on... it was aired on youtube and TV.

My cousin, Dorian is an artist based in the Bay Area. When she has her next opening, I will be sure to let my SF buds and readers know so youse can all meet this great dame and wildly talented artist. BFF, Cormac , I hope you and the missus can make it (no guilt, I promise). Dorian is tremendously talented, very unique and dark. Her work is soul food at its finest. See for yourselves right here and here . If you want, friend her on Facebook . While I'm on the subject of fine art and San Francisco artists, have you seen Freaky Jewelry's blog ? Her jewelry is as dark as it is whimsical and as distinctive as she is. You must run like a dawg. Each piece has a yarn. Check it out, yo! Love this broad's work and she is such a honey. PS: Liberality and Border Explorer , thanks for the ya know's . I will be posting this week.

WARNING: incoming non-sequiturs. Since Lou died, I have this habit of sleeping with everything on my bed. My laptop, in case I wake up with an idea. A small bottle of ginger ale, should I wake up neesh in the middle of the night for any reason. A bottle of 365 (Whore Foods H20, the only affordable product on their shelves), if I don't wake up neesh . A pill crusher, it's a just in case (I can't swallow pills). Tissues for the sneeze fest that commences the moment I arise, without fail. Whatever book(s) I'm reading, and my remote control... for the television. A heavy sweatshirt at the foot of my bed. And finally, my blackberry. What bed would be complete without a crackinberry? Even more strange, if I do wake up in the middle of the night, I wake up with the song "More than a woman" by the Bee-Gees, stuck in my head. Weird, right? It's been a surreal couple of weeks, hence my departure from blogging and such. I'm back now and in good spirits. My broth...

I really love this quote.

It isn't like me to dissapear without explanation for as long as I have.I will be back soon, next week, with lots of dish and such. I want to thank everyone for checking in, for being a friend and for your wonderful birthday wishes, etc. Don't break up with me. Thanks for being such a caring, fabulous, warm community. One I am so lucky to be a part of -- it matters and it means a lot to me, more than you know. Soon we will dish hard and I will be stalking your blogs. I wanted to thank you and assure you that I do have a pulse, quite a good one. XO Me

Betty Lavette & Jon Bon Jovi So beautiful... Took my breath away. I love, love, love Miss B-Lavette, such a goddess.

I wonder if there will ever be a day in my life when this performance doesn't bring me to tears, it's just so beautiful.

One last thing, have I mentioned a few blogs I've recently started dating? I am finding great tchoch: Street Spotted and Click for Clutter . Street Spotted dishes up fashion, but WAIT, she also posts links to what peeps are wearing. Wellllllllllllllll, I hit one of the shoe links and found a new shoe designer that I am plotzing from. These and these are dead 1930s fab. I'm hoping to find a vinty bag on her site. Click for Clutter, Darryle's site, I adore this dame. We've been Twitterdating for a few months now, I think. Every day, she posts new tchoch. You can vote for her to keep it or post a comment about why she should send it to you and hello, it's free! In this economy, what's bad?! This week, Darryle's got gorgeous silk scarves and a cozy vintage quilt I've got my eye on.

Well, my pretties, Bushcunt is almost out of office, just 48 ish hours to go. I cannot wait. When Obamalicious makes his inaugural speech, I'll be in tears. I'll be kvelling. I'll feel like hope and change are finally here. I'm not fucktarded, I know we're in for one hell of a ride. Bushcunt ran our country into the ground. Recovery will be at a snail's pace. Still. He'll be gone, long gone. Hopefully in time, he'll be tried for war crimes and crimes against humanity -- a girl can dream, can't she? Today is Sunday. I have so much to do, I could spit twice and die, or crawl into my bed and hide under the covers, or plow through the list. I think I'll plow through the list for a few hours. Why not? Generally speaking, I'm having a surreal weekend, not sure why. I just feel out of sorts. I emailed a Rabbi, that was fun. I'm retaining water for reasons I can't explain. It's not like I was suckin' salt cubes all night. I dished wi...

For some reason when I saw this book on Sunday, it felt like a sign. Of what, I do not know. Care to venture a guess? Hit me.

Keywords All the Way from Oy to Vey came up on this week: Famous Pussy, Vintage Pussy, Vintagepussy, Vaginas and Big Vaginas. First and foremost, what happened to Cunt? My blog is no longer cunt worthy? Is this a new trend I should worry about? Secondly, and I realize how irrational this is, but my blog is much more than the vagina I dish up. I'm just sayin'. I'd like another Sunday. I'm not ready for Monday. I'd like two Sunday's a week, wouldn't that be dandyrific? I think so. I can't stop listening to Flo Rida's song "Low". Great song to walk to. I schlepped to the cooking store today for cookware and the shtunk was so vile, heavy-duty-nostril-killing-eyes-burning-chemicalsquared-floor wax. You know when a scent is so heavy, it gets lodged in your throat for the day? This was that. Oy vey. Worse, no matter where I was in the store, mop daddy of doom magically appeared, screaming at me for walking over his freshly mopped floors. After a...