Friday, July 20, 2007

fallujahtini anyone?

it's 5 mothah fuckin cock suckin am. I've been up since 3. I made myself horizontal around 11ish. I've slept maybe 6 hours in two nights. if I don't get some sleep, I am going to do a drama diva swan dive off the GGB (golden gate bridge). oh-my-god. I am so FUCKIN' tired.

I woke up at 3AM to baghdad in my vagina. clots the size of a king's ransom. villages of busted rusty pipes pouring and gushing out of my snappin' pussy. the tank (my heating pad) conked out in the middle of the fuck-off-whore night. leaving my ovaries and womb unprotected and unable to fend for itself. where's my fuckin' back-up, god dammit? it's bad enough having a post pre-menstrual map of iraqi cities to attack on my face.

I'm going to make myself horizontal and have a word with jesus. according to the zealots, he seems to be quite the miracle worker that one. if he thinks a loin cloth and thorn hat and a stroll will help me sleep, I'm down. the only thing I'm not willing to do is the nail/cross thing. I'm just not that S&M-ee. the buck stops at dirty talk, hair pulling and slap-slap.


Old Lady said...

Wait! We must be related somehow! Jeez having menses like that makes a person wish for radical surgery. I feel ya girlfriend, had that problem up until I had the "hysterectomy"! No more sleeping with 3 night maxi's and a couple of beach towels for me!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Jezzie-Peezie, that sounds dreadful for you. Now, while I wouldn't call myself a fallujahtini fetishist, to be polite, I do think the Mikva is pretty fucking useless. More graphically, I'm one Ashkenaz who got no problem wading in the red river or drinking from it.

That takes me down to the final sentence of the post y todo que puedo escribir es que me va la verga y me siento las ganas de culear desde los pies hasta el cabello de pensar en maldecir en plan sexy, de haler el cabello de una judia, y pegar el culo con unos golpes de Floyd Mayweather, Jr., but in a gentle way. Pero culear de una manera bestial. Claro. Listo.

So, I guess that means I'm going to get the tools of the trade (vaseline and a towel) and ponder all of this while I slam the Hebrew National. Voy a ver si pueda echar el LE-CHU-GO dos metros o mas aun, pue', I guess I'll pass on the towel.

Katie Schwartz said...

old lady?!?! you know I'm loving you really hard right now because of the name, right?

I am so hitting your blog.

I have to admit that as much as I hate a painful period, I love getting my menses. it reminds me that everything is normal.

though, the beauty of a hysty, I would imagine is that you don't worry about getting knocked up. makes for a much less stressful sex life.

Katie Schwartz said...


I know what claro means. one of my bff's is venezuelan. I'm sending him what you wrote in spanish so he'll translate for the heeblette.

I think spanish is such a beautiful, sexy language. I have a thing for cubans and puerto ricans. I think I pretty much fucked all of the new york variations.

am I to also understand that menses gives you wood? your girl must love you so hard ;)

Writeprocrastinator said...

"if I don't get some sleep, I am going to do a drama diva swan dive off the GGB (golden gate bridge)."

Be sure to stop on by, on your way up. We'll get some coffee and some rougalah.

"I woke up at 3AM to baghdad in my vagina."

Once again, I keep tellin' you that if you bring it up, your vajayjay will be the site of our next war. You're literally handing la tua cosa up on a platter, as a welcome distraction for this adminstration.

"I'm going to make myself horizontal and have a word with jesus. according to the zealots, he seems to be quite the miracle worker that one."

Of course there was no mention of him curing the side-effects of menses in The Book. Surely, if he had such an ability, he never would have gotten anything done, as women from around the world would've been haranguing the poor messiah to edges of the Earth.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

You're younger than I am so I think you missed my friends on West 24th Street between 7th & 8th Avenues. All dead or in prison now except one who is the night man at the Chelsea Hotel. Those are the guys. As for the girls, I'm guessing they're big now and either taking the bus upstate each Saturday morning or putting flowers on graves in public cemetaries in Queens.

There's your basic Marx in a nutshell. From ages 4 to 12 we were all the same. By 13, the Jewish kids were on the achievement track and the Puerto Rican kids were headed down.

If one of your bff's is a venezolano he'll know whatever slang I put in there. Basically, it was an enthusiastic response to the last line of the post. "Culear" = "to fuck" "Haler" = "to pull" "Cabello" = "hair" "Golpes" = "punches" "Verga" = "cock". "Leche" = "come" (as in semen), so "Lechugo" = "double-plus come" It's kind of a dirty way to say that because "leche" or "lechugo" is also an interjective oath and a foul-mouthed response to a suddenly bad result. "Venir" = "to come", also and I'd say it was dirtier than "have an orgasm" and maybe more PC than "splash".

I don't have a girl. I already told you I'm a 2x divorced bachelor in a deep mid-life crisis so I have girls early and often. But I'm absolutely neutral on the mesnes/sex question -- np wading in the red river and drinking from it. It's all good but all sex is good. Empiricism has taught me that it splits about 50/50 between women who appreciate my menses neutrality and those that are embarrassed by "the wise wound" so give me neither credit no opportunity. Make of that what you will.

Katie Schwartz said...

write p, you are so damn funny.

Katie Schwartz said...

kelsey, thanks for the translation, babes. I thought you were attached. I could've sworn you said something about a steady piece of ass. go no?!

why deep into a mid-life crisis? love your honesty. you and rhet, so fucking candid. love that. god forbid either of you use filters. HI. I DON'T EITHER.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

No steady piece of ass. Strictly a dog.

Which brings up a interesting choice. I've sort of developed a tradition for afternoons of televised final rounds of PGA golf majors: threesome, with fucking going on during the commercials, and during the golf -- absolute silence. The ladies may go about their business but no so loudly as to make me miss any of the ESPN ESPANOL call. Got all sorts of stuff going with most the late round players, SINGH +205 OVER WOODS, STRICKER +120 OVER CHOI, it will make for a very long afternoon.

But WKOPJB (Well-kept-older-Jewish-Panamanian-Booty) also beckons, and what makes that experience extry good is that she's a mad good cook of Jewish fare (makes a MEAN kibbeh) and nothing beats that after love practice.

So, Kelso plans to go to sleep soon, pass on Saturday night poker and clubbing, eat his Wheaties in the morning and get a restorative nap in after the "golf".

That's all sexist as hell but, so fuckin what?

Katie Schwartz said...

see, I disagree that you're a dog. if you're straight up and forthcoming about your needs and wants and these broads are on the exact same page. meaning, they want the same thing and don't think they're being led on or askew, there is no issue. what I think is shit, FUCKING SHIT is when people aren't up front about what they want and what their intentions are. that's across the board: female. male. whatever. just be honest for fucksake. would it killya to just be mothah fuckin cock suckin honest?!?!?!?!

not you, kelso, people in general. I think the world would be a much better place if we were more direct with people.

I have no head for numbers whatsoever. what do those numbers mean? is that code?

I've never gambled. is it a gambling thing? I played slots once. I've always wanted to play the ponies just to say I played the ponies.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

I'll really put your needs and wants theory to the test with a little yarn from college days. This is twisted so buckle you seat belt.

I had random pick-up thingy with a girl I met at some party. After doing the biz, she said to me "you seem like a pretty nice and understanding guy, can I tell you something without you thinking it's weird?" I said "sure, g'head." She told me that she had been abused by her uncle since she was 8 or so but really liked it and missed (the guy had recently died) and would I play the role?

I'm kind of a pragmatist and I was a drama minor so I said "sure give me some details." The interesting part of it that her uncle had been some kind of bagman for the Steamfitter' Union in Central Pennsylvania -- Serbian family, of course. So, as my mother had a friend who was a lawyer specilialzing in preparing the union's side in arbitration cases, I asked him a whole lot of questions about the kind of stuff a guy like this girl's uncle would have said.

On next go rounds with the girl, I think I did an EXCELLENT-/GOOD+ job at playing the role, but it got too weird after a while and I had to let it go.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Oh, the golf bets. They mean I bet that Vijay Singh would shoot a lower final round score than Tiger Woods would, receiving $2.05 for every $1 I bet if I win, and $1.20 for every $1 if Steve Stricker shoots a better final round than K.J Choi does.

I own racehorses in the US and as much as I'd like to sendyyou charts and jpegs and all, we even had a multiple international Grade III filly we sold to the Saudis, I still want to keep some figleaf over the Hebrew National and huevos.


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