Katie Schwartz

What is going on with my Karma?! I'm not cunty dame, or so I'd like to think. So, what the fuck?! The past few days I've been in Karmic hell and my K-Rolodex is yielding no insight. I'm trying to dig deep and figure it out. Let's begin with the chair Odyssey. Today, I schlepped my ass in 90 degree weather to a chair joint. My car doesn't have air conditioning, it's a vinty number, over 30-years old. Love it. Schlepped it from NY and I'm not giving it up, period. Anywho. I met with the owners of the chairs I wanted. Lovely black and white 7o's high camp chairs. I was thrilled, hoping to walk out of their with my new chairs. Mind you, I had cash in hand ready to complete my transaction. The owners sat me down with a clipboard in hand. A fucking clipboard. Their house was hotter than it was outside. God forbid they crack a window or use a fan. GOD FORBID. I admit it, I was a bit snippy. But, nice. Keeping my snippiness to a low roar. I pushed sarcasm a...

Before I fluffed and folded my laundry, I decided to shower. By 10AM, it was 96 degrees. I had spent two-hours shvitsing like a hellnine chasing a fast ball. I'm well bonded with this shower. We've been together for two-years. I know she likes to have the hot water knob massaged before introducing cold . I can relate. I'm not a rebel for rebellion sake. It seemed an easy, respectful task. I was happy to oblige. There I stood naked in front of my shower with the hot water pouring out of the head (this sounds like a set up for a dirty joke, but it's not. Really .) and carefully turned on the cold water, so the two could get to know each other on their terms and find a mutually agreeable happy medium (Aquarius enough fah'ya?!). Testing the water with my fingertips, I noted that the hot water wasn't cooling down. I took a new approach and turned the hot water off, hoping the cold water would forcefully pour out of the shower head. Nothing doing. All hot. Hot. Hot. W...

It's August, 2nd, 2008 and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Please, I spend so much time in my head, I blew " oy vey " away 10-years ago and replaced it with " oy gevalt ". Seriously, yo. I'm a brain dwelling freak'o nature, which wouldn't be so terrible if I wasn't a raging insomniac. I haven't really slept properly in about a week. What sleep deprived person do you know has perspective? I've been an irritable snatcharella on wheels. I know it and you know it. Impossible to communicate with in any meaningful fashion. God willing, I'll sleep tonight. Tomorrow, I'll wake up feeling, oh, I don't know, human. I'd love to say, refreshed, but that's a stretch. I have never excelled in the art of sleep. It's never been my sport of choice. I envy those who can hit the pillow and fall hard. My sister is a great sleeper. I wish I had that gene. My ma says she had insomnia in her 30s, too and chalks it up to hormones. ...

Rest in peace my sweet. I'm no wiser, no more resolved, no happier. I have spent the year mourning The Kid's death instead of celebrating his life. To date, that would be my only regret in life. I wish I could say that in the past 12 months, I've become a better person and more evolved in the death department-- I haven't. Every Friday, I lit a Yahrzeit candle and would recite the Kaddish , hoping it would sink in and that I would surrender to the global meaning. I didn't. I needed him this year. I wish he waited one more year before dying. Though, I try to remind myself that if he died today, it wouldn't be any easier than it was one-year ago. I wonder, would I have gotten through this year differently if I had him? Would his reflection of unconditional love have been the impetus I needed to find my way? Would the world continued to make more sense through his eyes? I don't know. As this day approached, I had bursts of anxiety, anger and sadness. The day is...

Early this morning, I had the privilege of spending an hour with the divine Miss Fran I Am . Her meshpucha is in town for a spell. We had a cup of percolated squeezed beans and noshed a bit while dishing aplenty, I have news. Franygirl is as adorable as she can be. Meeting her was the highlight of my week. You know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time, but you feel like you've known them for twenty years so you pick right where you left off? That's what it was like meeting Frannylish! She has an infectious laughter, a beautiful smile and a fabulous personality. She's one hell of a dame and I hope to spend more time with her in the future. So far I've met four bloggers offline and adored them madly. I couldn't be happier. Now, I'm on a mission to meet all of yas, so watch out. Jewgirl is comin fah' ya. Not in a creepy stalkeree way, calm down. More in a Teeny crushing-you-with-my-love kind of way.

Shalom Loverdeedo's. What a fucking Tuesday. Did Mercury bypass retrograde and nosedive? Geez Louise. This morning, a broad was stabbed to death in the parking structure of a building in Century City . This wasn't one of those meant-to-mug-you-mini-stab-and-runs , either. It was the real deal. Some asshole repeatedly and violently stabbed a woman in the neck. What kills me (so dramatic, Katie) is that there were people at the scene during 'said' incident and did nothing. It reminds me of the below video I saw on YouTube of a woman who keeled over and onto the floor of a waiting room in a fucking hospital and died. People sat by and watched for 45 minutes and did nothing . Are we too afraid to get involved? Have we stopped caring about jumping in and preserving another life? What happened? It seems to me that things have radically changed over the past few years. I worry about the direction we're heading in. These two situations aren't isolated, I've read ab...

I am listening to the Goodbye Girl on the pod. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies. The kid and Richard Dreyfus do it for me in that flickundra, not Marsha Mason. Should I write a puzzle? I didn't fall asleep until midnight and when I popped up at 2ish, I was in the middle of a nightmare about being trapped in a crossword puzzle. I really love being continent. When my grandmother had a prolapsed uterus, she became incontinent. Worrying about my uterus becoming an accessory is now in the top 25 on my "Worry To Do List". Have you seen the movie Superbad ? That was a continent killer... Get it? "I laughed so hard, I peed." If Ellen Arkin married Adam Barkin and they spawned a fruit named Harkin, the kid's name would be Harkin Arkin Barkin. I can see it. The name screams rehab ready. He's almost three quarters of the way with the acronym HAB. I started reading one of Wade Agnew's poetry books "Solace For A Starving Naked Alone ...