Before I fluffed and folded my laundry, I decided to shower. By 10AM, it was 96 degrees. I had spent two-hours shvitsing like a hellnine chasing a fast ball.
I'm well bonded with this shower. We've been together for two-years. I know she likes to have the hot water knob massaged before introducing cold. I can relate. I'm not a rebel for rebellion sake. It seemed an easy, respectful task. I was happy to oblige.
There I stood naked in front of my shower with the hot water pouring out of the head (this sounds like a set up for a dirty joke, but it's not. Really.) and carefully turned on the cold water, so the two could get to know each other on their terms and find a mutually agreeable happy medium (Aquarius enough fah'ya?!).
Testing the water with my fingertips, I noted that the hot water wasn't cooling down. I took a new approach and turned the hot water off, hoping the cold water would forcefully pour out of the shower head. Nothing doing. All hot. Hot. Hot.
What a cunt move, right? Throw me a cool-bone, something that resembles anything that isn't flaming-nipple-skewering hot.
Bupkas. Nada. Zilch.
Finally 20-minutes later, saturated in guilt about all of the water I wasted and no homeless people to toss in, to make amends for my wastin' ways, the water cooled.
I hoisted the hooters and off we went into our lukewarm shower.
1 minute into it, my hair was lathered in shampoo and I was grabbing the soap, and lathering the goods when my ass was pelted by scalding hot water. So hot, it makes you jump back and grab your own ass to make sure you're still together. We were.
I turned the hot water off and thought, fuck this. I'll just take a cold fucking shower. I'm committed-- my hair is filled with shampoo. My crack'n'snatch are filled with soap. I don't really have many options, unless I want a raging yeast infection and bone dry hair.
Icy bullets rained from the head of my shower. I thought my nipples were going to crack off of my breasts and fall to the shower floor like some dry ice-scifi-anime-comic-character beaten by a fencing expert.
I'm going through my karmic Rolodex and I haven't done anything wrong. So, what the fuck?!