Saturday, August 02, 2008

Bitch Slapped By Karma?!

Before I fluffed and folded my laundry, I decided to shower. By 10AM, it was 96 degrees. I had spent two-hours shvitsing like a hellnine chasing a fast ball.
I'm well bonded with this shower. We've been together for two-years. I know she likes to have the hot water knob massaged before introducing cold. I can relate. I'm not a rebel for rebellion sake. It seemed an easy, respectful task. I was happy to oblige.

There I stood naked in front of my shower with the hot water pouring out of the head (this sounds like a set up for a dirty joke, but it's not. Really.) and carefully turned on the cold water, so the two could get to know each other on their terms and find a mutually agreeable happy medium (Aquarius enough fah'ya?!).

Testing the water with my fingertips, I noted that the hot water wasn't cooling down. I took a new approach and turned the hot water off, hoping the cold water would forcefully pour out of the shower head. Nothing doing. All hot. Hot. Hot.

What a cunt move, right? Throw me a cool-bone, something that resembles anything that isn't flaming-nipple-skewering hot.

Bupkas. Nada. Zilch.


Finally 20-minutes later, saturated in guilt about all of the water I wasted and no homeless people to toss in, to make amends for my wastin' ways, the water cooled.

I hoisted the hooters and off we went into our lukewarm shower.

Nothing doing.

1 minute into it, my hair was lathered in shampoo and I was grabbing the soap, and lathering the goods when my ass was pelted by scalding hot water. So hot, it makes you jump back and grab your own ass to make sure you're still together. We were.

I turned the hot water off and thought, fuck this. I'll just take a cold fucking shower. I'm committed-- my hair is filled with shampoo. My crack'n'snatch are filled with soap. I don't really have many options, unless I want a raging yeast infection and bone dry hair.

Icy bullets rained from the head of my shower. I thought my nipples were going to crack off of my breasts and fall to the shower floor like some dry ice-scifi-anime-comic-character beaten by a fencing expert.

I'm going through my karmic Rolodex and I haven't done anything wrong. So, what the fuck?!


Karl said...

Ugh, I'm gonna kick Hilly's ass. WHY did she have to mention you? And why on Earth did you actually have to be FUNNY? Don't I have ENOUGH to read already?

Even though I think you're pretty inconsiderate, I'm adding you. Wench.

Katie Schwartz said...

I love you so hard, Karl. This is hands down the cuntiest most fabulous comment I've ever gotten in my life! HAHAHA. I am howling right now.

Anonymous said...

I already love Karl. Now that's a comment!

I'm blaming the earthquake for your boiling/freezing shower experience.

May tomorrow bring more sane water balance.

Al Sensu said...

Gawd, that made me so hot.

I mean cold

I mean hot.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I blame Fran.

Anonymous said...

I usually don't like the c word but this post makes it alright!

Joe said...

Sometimes you want a shower, but what you get is just a good old-fashioned, random, character builder. Icy style.

Travelingman Rick said...

I just finished wiping the coffee off of my monitor because it came spewing out through my nostrils when I read this. Thanks the damn keys are gonna stick every time I get on my computer from now on. For the record I love the C word...I wish there was an equivalent for men, calling someone a dick or a bastard just does not have the same impact. Maybe we should all start calling them munts?

Katie Schwartz said...

I'm with you, Dgirl. I knew you'd fall hard, too. We do so love "cunt".

I'm hoping tomorrow brings a decent tempered shower. We shall see. I'll keep yas looped.

Katie Schwartz said...

Ha, Sensu. You are tits.

Katie Schwartz said...

MonkeyMucker, what about ThePatriarchy?

Katie Schwartz said...

Mrs. Mogul; thank you for stopping by and approving of my useage of cunt. This makes me very happy, bubbie. Hitting your bloggy now.

Katie Schwartz said...

Bubbsie, that is so true!

Katie Schwartz said...


Thank you for stopping by and for your most generous comments. So sorry about your keyboard.

PS: I hit your site. Love it! We are now officially linkdating. You are a scream.

Cormac Brown said...

Sounds like water heater problems and that someone turned off the cold water entirely when doing it.


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