Katie Schwartz

I am so tired, oy. that jesus sure does love to dish. when my blackberry rang and the screen said, jesus calling, I was going to forward it to voicemail, but he'd only show up and want to have a girl's night. I'm menstruating, so I really wasn't up for that. he wanted to talk about the lisa welchel/blaire situation. who knew there was one?! well, apparently there is, and a BIG ONE at that. he's feeling hocked to death (or to life, depending on your religious slant). she doesn't stop with him. she calls constantly. she has big time creepy chick syndrome. he is so OVER IT. anyway, he asked for my advice. I really didn't know what to tell him. poor guy. she's way ocd about him. he's thought about filing a restraining order against her. but, he's afraid it would exacerbate the situation. he's in a serious conundrum. she constantly calls for guidance, thanks, a chat, to send good wishes to her family. to help her get through the day, finish her ch...

this time of year, if I'm single, which I am, it always feels like cock hunting season. like god forbid I spend the holidays and valentine's day without a man. because it's the worst possible thing that could happen to a girl. like I need to drag my fat ass out and strategically hunt for relationship dick NOW. and, the fact that I haven't found commitment peeny makes me a fucking inadequate freak-tard, incapable of the shrewdness required to manifest a man. well, FUCK THAT! so, I'm a pain in my own ass. so, I like impossible men who couldn't possibly fulfill my needs. so, I have issues with emotional intimacy. compared to the men I am attracted to, I'm still a rook. so what gives?! has it occurred to the self help set that I am choosing to be single for yet another holiday season until I can eradicate these issues? does it make me that much of a vile, disgusting, shameful whore bag?! since when does a meat free holiday season or two equate to relationship l...

coffee talk with blaire. this week's journal entry . this part's my favorite: my mom chose the chili and sea bass. (That sounded really good on this crisp, cool, fall evening.) By the time my mom was served her ganache chocolate cheesecake, we realized she wasn’t going to get her bowl of chili. We later figured out she had ordered “Chilean sea bass.” Oops. We felt like real hicks.

-- show your boobies for a cure:: boobiethon.com

I think I know why I'm single. I've just epiphed. 1:: men who say, I want to make love to you , turn me off. if a man said that to me, I'd laugh. that's horrible. I am a vile hideous, shameful cow. 2:: the intro sentences, I need. you need to. I wish you would. can you just. I accept you and love you for you, but. we need to get you on a budget. yeah. epic. HUGE. major. serious relationship killers for katie. 3:: I can't date a musician. I won't. or, date anyone who says, I have a guitar. I play. what I really want to do is... music music. music. there are more. they will pop into my head. I'm sure. I will post them. but, for now, I'm taking jewcifer out and then stepping out myself. have a good weekend. -- save our boobies: boobiethon.com

blow jobs cum shots : they picked up my mid-day blowjob post. I think I'm flattered. did you know there's a website called, the history of masturbation ? love a good dirty little secret. so sweet. I collect vintage sex books. -- save our boobies: boobiethon.com

I have to mop. for whatever reason, mopping and sweeping make me feel, fat, dirty, cheap and poor. I can do laundry. I can even vacuum. barely. but, I can do it. my kitchen floor needs to be swept and mopped. I'd rather have a rectal. I'm in a very assy mood. have you noticed? I'm all about the ass right now. the fact that I have to get my broom and my mop out makes me want to vomit. I have the strongest aversion to it. maybe I tripped over a mop in a past life or I was married to a sweeper who beat me. like I have time to ponder past life mistakes?! I got enough of that to deal with in this life.