Monday, September 08, 2008

I am John McCunt and I Approve This Message

Why do I want to be your president?
Because goddamn it, I've earned it.


Hell, I was an admiral's son, I didn't have to go to goddamn Vietnam, get shot down and deal with all those goddamn sadistic gook prison guards.


No, I went because my prick of a father and his asshole of a father were goddamn admirals, for Christ's sake, and I had no choice but to pay off the poker bet I made with them and join the goddamn Navy.


And after five years of eating goddamn rats and getting poked up the ass with hot bamboo sticks, then I gotta return to the states to a limping gimp of a wife who got herself fucked up in a car accident and got all fat on me?


The cunt ended up with an ass on her the width of a Volkswagen, and after all I'd been through at the Hanoi Hilton, I was expected to come home and fuck that fat cunt?


Hell, no!


Then I met Cindy, who was hotter'n a two dollar pistol and her dad owned a beer factory. Why did I dump my fat ass first wife and get with Cindy? Because, goddamn it, I’d earned a hot piece of ass with boo-coo bucks, that’s why.


And believe me; until that cunt got all strung out on prescription dope and had that goddamn stroke, she was one hot piece of ass.


But she changed.


First, it was the drugs, then it was her bringing home that fat kid with the goddamn cleft palate from Banglafuckin’desh, of all places.


You think it’s easy trying to fuck a doped-up cunt while I gotta hear that goddamn hare-lip kid mouth-breathing in the next goddamn room?


You bet your ass it’s not easy.


So what if I used Cunty’s money and got to be a Senator?


Big fucking deal, it’s out of Arizona, which is one shit hole of a state to represent. If I gotta hear one more wrinkled up old prune of a retirement home cunt telling me how great the dry heat is in Arizona, I’ll rebreak my arms knocking the old cunt in the head.


And so what if I have 7 or 8 or 10 or however many goddamn houses to live in? Cindy and those goddamn kids all have keys to every goddamn house we own, and with Cindy having that goddamn private jet, I can’t even fuck the maid without having to worry about that fucking trollop walking in on us.


So here’s the deal.


I figure with the presidency, I can get the Secret Service to deal with the goddamn wife and kids barging in on me.


If I want to sit there in the Oval Office in my skivvies and jack off to scenes from “The Deer Hunter,” then goddamn it, it’s because I’ve earned it.


And goddamn it, if that goddamn retarded son of a bitch Bush and his cocksucking faggot father and his bull dyke of a wife got the keys to the White House, then I should get them, too.


Why?


Because I’m John McCunt and I earned ‘em, goddamn it.


--
About the Author: KarenZipdrive is a rabble rousing, liberal lesbian journalist from San Antonio, Texas. She's been blogging at her site Pulp Friction since November, 2001. She recently joined the blogging team at, "Kill This Character, Please."

Now that you've read Zgirl's magnificent yarn, you know what to do, cast your vote in comments. You have one week to vote for I Am John McCunt And I Approve This Message. I expect to see oodles of votes, dahlinks.

38 comments:

karenzipdrive said...

Hey, she's good!

Katie Schwartz said...

She's tits to the tenth. She's got my vote!

FranIAm said...

Cuntabulously cuntastic essay from that Karen Zipcunt. I mean Zipdrive!

DCup said...

I love Karen. Almost as much as I love Katie.

Benjamin said...

I love the feature story about McCunt..thanks for the insightful riot this morning...comin' at you from Ktown appreciating the joy!

Cormac Brown said...

"Then I met Cindy, who was hotter'n a two dollar pistol"

Good pulp metaphor! Excellent and all of it sounded like Karen was channeling McPain except we all know via his "love" for Hillary that uses the word "bitch" instead of "cunt."

Katie Schwartz said...

Yo everyone, Benjamin is one of my brothers! Say Shalom. Benny, I'm so glad you stopped by my bloggy and commented. I LOVE YOU. K

Katie Schwartz said...

Cuntaliciously said, Frannygirl

Katie Schwartz said...

I love DivaD!

Katie Schwartz said...

Ha, nice, Cormac! Perfect.

Al Sensu said...

I love lesbians, and I vote for Karen.

Christopher said...

ROFLMAO!

This is a riot and probably captures the Old Coot's thinking and speech patterns perfectly.

Oy and Hi Benjamin.

Bubs said...

Wow. I did NOT know that McCain had been a POW...

Seriously, I laffed my ass of in a very in appropriate way to this.

no_slappz said...

Howard Fineman writing in Newsweek on the Republican vice-presidential candidate:

Democrats dare not issue [Sarah] Palin a pass—she's too dangerous a foe. Normally vice presidential candidates fade into the background.

Nobody is expecting that with Palin; indeed, her newfound celebrity has made even Obama look dull.

The usual rule is that voters don't trust attacks from people they don't know, but Palin is turning the adage on its head.

Democrats are determined to attack her credibility, even if it gives her more visibility. "We've got to go after her, and fast," a top Democratic strategist, who asked for anonymity when discussing strategy, told me.

Christopher said...

More than anything else, the Old Coot abandoning his disabled wife upon return from the Hanoi Hilton and hooked up with a much young (and wealthier) squeeze, is the thing I can't get passed with him.

In my neighborhood, you don't abandon your spouse if he or she becomes disabled.

The Old Coot is a douchebag. A worldclass creep and a perfect Republican. Others in their party have done the very same thing: Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston.

Tengrain said...

Wait a minute. That was fiction? Katie, I think she's pulling your leg. That was the real deal.

Regards,

Tengrain

karenzipdrive said...

Writing that piece gave me temporary Tourette's Syndrome that's just barely subsiding now.
And I wish when I wrote it McCain would already have chosen Palin as his running hump,because I just know the old letch wants some of that.

no_slappz said...

What a novel concept? A MILF for a vice president. A woman who can put "vice" into the vice presidency.

She beats the pants-suit off Hillary in that department.

Freida Bee said...

Mr. McCunt- I'll vote for your honesty and integrity and because I know you'll have me killed if I don't (though you'd probably flub that up too).

Katie Schwartz said...

Yahoo Sensu!

Katie Schwartz said...

Christopher, love the oy.

What does ROFLMAO mean?

I agree with you, I think this is exactly what's in McCain's head.

Thank you for welcoming my bro, doll.

Katie Schwartz said...

Bubs, I love you, always the consumate wise ass. perfection!

Katie Schwartz said...

Christopher right on the money with that one. What he did is disgusting and speaks volumes about his lack of character.

Why do people believe in this man? I don't get it. I'm trying to. I want to see it through their eyes, even for five minutes. But, I can't do it.

Katie Schwartz said...

HAHAHAHAHHAHA, TENGRAIN. NIIIIIIIIIIICE

Katie Schwartz said...

Kzip, if McCain could get it up, he'd slam his right wing sharpei in her woman hating snatch crack.

Katie Schwartz said...

Ha. FreidaBee. Thanks for voting, my sweet.

Dusty said...

Zippy is Cuntastic and I love her. I have been reading her blog for over three years and she is the one that convinced me to do a political blog and can the fluff blog bullshit.

She always gets my vote..always!

Katie Schwartz said...

Hey Dusty,

Thanks for stopping by and voting. Yay! Another vote for Zgirl.

John said...

"Wow. I did NOT know that McCain had been a POW..."

Who knew? The campaign team should publicize this more.

JDC

no_slappz said...

john,

Joe Biden has had two brain aneurysms. Don't let that get around.

John said...

No_Slappz

I just did a quick search for when Joe Bidden exploited this medical incident over and over for political gain. I'll keep looking and post that here.

JDC

Dusty said...

*snicker*

John said...

I could dig these up all night long, but why beat a dead horse?

*****************************************************************


While Ted Kennedy, Michelle Obama and the Obama's daughters were wowing Denver at the DNC, John McCain was sitting down with Jay Leno and bringing up his years as a POW at unexpected moments.

Making light of McCain's inability to put a number on his real estate holdings last week, Leno joked with the Republican nominee that, "for one million dollars, how many houses do you have?"

Rather than reply with either a real answer or a similarly light-hearted joke, McCain brought up his POW status.

"Could I just mention to you Jay, that in a moment of seriousness, I spent five and a half years in a prison cell, I didn't have a house, I didn't have a kitchen table, I didn't have a table, I didn't have a chair..."


****************************************************************

McCain Camp Responds On Houses Gaffe: He Was A POW!
By Eric Kleefeld - August 21, 2008, 1:57PM

The McCain campaign is road-testing a new argument in responding to Obama's criticism of his number-of-houses gaffe, an approach the McCain camp has never tried before: The houses gaffe doesn't matter because ... he was a POW!

"This is a guy who lived in one house for five and a half years -- in prison," spokesman Brian Rogers told the Washington Post.

For those of you who haven't kept track, the McCain campaign just recently cited McCain's POW years in explaining away the Miss Buffalo Chip gaffe, and in dealing with the allegation that he broke the rules and listened in on Barack Obama during the Rick Warren forum.

Also, Rogers made sure to play the anti-intellectual card: "In terms of who's an elitist, I think people have made a judgment that John McCain is not an arugula-eating, pointy headed professor-type based on his life story."

******************************************************************

Apparently Republican strategist Joe Watkins got the email about how to deal with McCain’s “housing crisis,” because last night on “Verdict” the always reliable GOP shill stayed right on message, dismissing McCain’s gaffe by pointing out how heroic, patriotic and POW-rific he is. Remind me again what being a former POW has to do with forgetting how rich, privileged and out of touch you are?

Abrams: “Joe, I want to ask you if it’s fair to call this ‘playing the POW card. I want to ask you if that’s an unfair characterization.’”

Watkins: “Everybody knows John McCain is a patriot. There’s nothing wrong with having investment properties. Lots of Americans do. If I was Barack Obama, I wouldn’t get into this argument with John McCain, who is an American hero.”

*******************************************************************

Hannity exclaims repeatedly that McCain's affair in 1979 with current wife Cindy while still married to first wife Carol has to be considered in the light of his five and a half years as a prisoner of war. In what way is being a POW for five and a half years relevant to cheating on one's wife? Answer: FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!!! And then Hannity drops the logic bombshell:

1:32: Hannity to Colmes: "Let's see how you act after you get beaten after five and a half years."

But the best part might be the closing exchange, 2:28, by which point the previous few minutes of grueling debate have clearly eroded Sean Hannity's faculties of argumentation:
Colmes: "I don't conflate his being a war hero with cheating on his wife. I don't conflate the two."
Hannity: "Well, you should."


*******************************************************************
*******************************************************************
*******************************************************************

**This is the perfect response from one who can make it.**


A fellow Vietnam POW of McCain's warns of the candidate's "quick and explosive temper" and suggests McCain is exaggerating his imprisonment.

John McCain is a long-time acquaintance of mine that goes way back to our time together at the U.S. Naval Academy and as Prisoners of War in Vietnam. He is a man I respect and admire in some ways. But there are a number of reasons why I will not vote for him for President of the United States.

When I was a Plebe (4th classman, or freshman) at the Naval Academy in 1957-58, I was assigned to the 17th Company for my four years there. In those days we had about 3,600 midshipmen spread among 24 companies, thus about 150 midshipmen to a company. As fortune would have it, John, a First Classman (senior) and his room mate lived directly across the hall from me and my two room mates. Believe me when I say that back then I would never in a million or more years have dreamed that the crazy guy across the hall would someday be a Senator and candidate for President!

John was a wild man. He was funny, with a quick wit and he was intelligent. But he was intent on breaking every USNA regulation in our 4 inch thick USNA Regulations book. And I believe he must have come as close to his goal as any midshipman who ever attended the Academy. John had me "coming around" to his room frequently during my plebe year. And on one occasion he took me with him to escape "over the wall" in the dead of night. He had a taxi cab waiting for us that took us to a bar some 7 miles away. John had a few beers, but forbid me to drink (watching out for me I guess) and made me drink cokes. I could tell many other midshipman stories about John that year and he unbelievably managed to graduate though he spent the majority of his first class year on restriction for the stuff he did get caught doing. In fact he barely managed to graduate, standing 5th from the bottom of his 800 man graduating class. I and many others have speculated that the main reason he did graduate was because his father was an Admiral, and also his grandfather, both U.S. Naval Academy graduates.

People often ask if I was a Prisoner of War with John McCain. My answer is always "No - John McCain was a POW with me." The reason is I was there for 8 years and John got there 2 1/2 years later, so he was a POW for 5 1/2 years. And we have our own seniority system, based on time as a POW.

John's treatment as a POW:

1) Was he tortured for 5 years? No. He was subjected to torture and maltreatment during his first 2 years, from September of 1967 to September of 1969. After September of 1969 the Vietnamese stopped the torture and gave us increased food and rudimentary health care. Several hundred of us were captured much earlier. I got there April 20, 1965 so my bad treatment period lasted 4 1/2 years. President Ho Chi Minh died on September 9, 1969, and the new regime that replaced him and his policies was more pragmatic. They realized we were worth a lot as bargaining chips if we were alive. And they were right because eventually Americans gave up on the war and agreed to trade our POW's for their country. A damn good trade in my opinion! But my point here is that John allows the media to make him out to be THE hero POW, which he knows is absolutely not true, to further his political goals.

JeeDeeCee

John said...

Oh yeah...

Also, Rogers made sure to play the anti-intellectual card: "In terms of who's an elitist, I think people have made a judgment that John McCain is not an arugula-eating, pointy headed professor-type based on his life story."

*********************************************

"Because being an arugula"

"Arugula is an aromatic salad green. It is also known as rocket, roquette, rugula and rucola, and is popular in Italian cuisine. How to grow, use, and store."

Since when does eating a salad make you an elitist? These are my people that love this stuff. Does that prick hate Italians? That's a hate crime isn't it?

*********************************************

"pointy headed professor-type"

Yes, because being smart enought to become a professor of anything means you are an idiot. Those poindexters are fucking up the world for certain with their stupid theory of evolution and belief in the rule of law. Jagoffs!


*********************************************

"based on his life story."

Trust me, NO ONE will ever accuss the failing upward McCain of ever being smart enough to be a "pointy headed professor-type". He graduated 4th from the bottom in his class (out of 800) right? Well, I guess someone has the hold up the bottom of the curve.

JDC

Border Explorer said...

excuse me....excuse me...if it's not too late, I'd like to vote for Karen Zipdrive.


thank you.

Katie Schwartz said...

BorderExplorer, I wish you could still vote for KZip. Her essay kicked ass! The polls are open for one-week on each essay. I'm blueJewin it on this one.

Every Monday throughout the rest of September and the month of October, I will be posting new essays for voting.

In fact, my dear, I have two spaces open in October, have you thought of submitting?!?!!?

Border Explorer said...

That is so sweet of you to invite me, Katie Schwartz! I think I need a bit of time here to accustom my Catholic-ology to the Jewgirl aura.

Besides, I'd have to be crazy to follow Karen Zipdrive. Awk!

But, meanwhile, I'm lovin' it here on Oy/Vey. You seriously rule teh Internets, Girl! I would love to be your friend.

Katie Schwartz said...

Hell yeah, girl. BE, I think you'd write something fantastic and clever. I totally respect your decision.

I'm so happy you're hanging out on the Vey :). You're such a doll. We are friending. Now we start blogdating.

 

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