Sunday, July 29, 2007

what the fuck jewgirl?


  1. I'm homesick today.
  2. I'm tired.
  3. I have nothing interesting or funny to say.
  4. I slept horribly last night.
  5. my dog vomited by my head this morning. great wake up call. so aromatic. really. truly disgusting.
  6. I owe beautiful beth and the simian stud meems. you know I love meems. still. I suck fat, greezy homeless ass for not doing it yet.
  7. I washed my car today.
  8. I cleaned my house.
  9. I just realized my neighbor from across the street tries to glance through my window to see my tits. I'm a lil' pissed about it actually.
  10. it was my sister's b-day on friday. happy birthday kerri berry.
  11. I'm retaining a shitload of water. I think I'm ovulating.
  12. I just want to watch lawr and ordah and do nothing. but, I can't.
  13. I want to sleep, but I can't do that either. I couldn't sport sleep for all the bagels in brooklyn.
  14. I haven't hit any of my favey blogs this weekend.
  15. I haven't hit my christian zealy blogs either.
  16. I haven't been online that much this weekend.
  17. I'm just a blue jew right now.
  18. it'll pass
  19. I'm way into bullet points at the minee. can you tell?
  20. everyone is waiting.
  21. I'm waiting, too.
  22. more later.
  23. love,
  24. jewgirl




26 comments:

Mountjoy said...

Okay, so the comments about the rank-smelling turd now pale in comparison to a dog vomiting on your head.

I think you only have a bukkake story left and you'll have covered every bodily function...

Writeprocrastinator said...

"I'm homesick today."

Do like all ex-pats when they're homesick and start a festival. Howzabout "The Festival of Saint Menses?"

"my dog vomited by my head this morning. great wake up call. so aromatic. really. truly disgusting."

Tell him to stop eating at Taco Smell. Because there somethings that even the digestive systems of dogs can't handle.

"it was my sister's b-day on friday."

Happy Belated Birthday Kerri!

Cheer up Katie. Paris called me up and says she's coming over with some cupcakes to cheer you up. Your pad is going to be the place to be for Nicole's big pre-lock-up bash and we're all going commando to celebrate.

Not to mention, check this partying theme...Crotchfires for everyone!

Madam Z said...

When I feel like that, I just roll up into a ball and suck my thumb. If you want to try it, be sure to lock the dog outside first.

Bubs said...

Good to hear from you, even if only to get a bulleted account of your blues. That dog puke story...whew. And to think you said you have nothing to say.

Rest up, chill out and try not to think too much--I recommend spending some quality time with some made for tv movies, or maybe some women's prison flicks. Always works for me.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Kelso's Rationality checking in:

(1) Wouldn't you rather be a lid on a garbage can in Inglewood than the Bklyn Borough President? [That's what I tell myself -- Lid on Garbage Can in Kunduru than Bloomberg when I feel like that...doesn't work but can't hurt]

(2) Take a nap

(3) You and everybody else, except you often do, most never do.

(4) Lie down, read and you'll drift off or...you're probably sleeping soundly right now

(5) Weigh it up against the joy the dog has given you. If the vomit expeience outweighs the joy, skin it, clean it, cure it and cook it up in a nice stew a la JAMES CLAVELL'S KING RAT

(6) Easier to get you meme shit together than your income and expenses for taxes.

(7) You own a car. Can drive anywhere you want during off hours because you are your own boss and your car is clean now.

(8) Your house is clean

(9) Egg his house, call the cops, or go up Sunset by the Chateau Marmont, go to a strip mall on the north side and get a Russian dude to sort your neighbor out. Or if it kind of excites you...test it out in fantasyland and if that works, proceed -- with caution!

(10) That doesn't sound bad at all, unless there's a big sibling rivalry problem

(11) Comes with the gender. Dudes occasionally get protatitis or orchitis which is more uncomfortable.

(12) Give up watching fascist police and prosecutorial shows. You'll feel better for it. By watching that show or any of its spinoffs you are tossing in with the Man, man.

(13) Take a benzodiazapine. And go to NY Bagel Co on San Vicente in Brentwood. Get some bagels and lox and a chicken noodle soup with a Matzoh ball. I mean get the food first, then take the benzo. Have the soup first because it will activate the benzo and then eat the bagel and lox.

(14) Visit blogs for show, write for dough

(15) The won't miss you and you know they WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

(16) You did better stuff. Washed your car and cleaned your house. You probably also read a novel and/or watched a movie.

(17) Either assume it's just the blues. Or isolate the problem and see if the worst case scenario is dealable with. Or take 3 more benzos and chase with hot cup of cocoa.

(18) Then your good to go. So take something fun like Percocet 750 and chase THAT with a cup of hot cocoa.

(19) You have 19 bullet points and counting. As a holder of a UCLA MBA, I can tell you that qualifies as PROSE

(20) Fuck 'em sideways.

(21) Soon come.

(22) Praise Jesus

(23) a beautful thought...if it can be defined, is it possible to achieve?

(24) Heebalish

(14)

KELSO'S NUTS said...

ERRATA:

(9) meant WEST SIDE of SUNSET maybe near CRESCENT HEIGHTS.

(10) should read "prostatitis"

(15) should read "they..."

(18) should read "you're..."

blank (14) at bottom of page was an error unless you want to assign it some special meaning...wholly up to you...

Dale said...

Your dog puking on your head is both interesting and funny. Any photos?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Mmmmmmmmm, greezy homeless ass, mmmmmm.

Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock hasn't washed the car in ages.

Looks like you got a lot more done than Evil Spock.

Beth said...

I gots the blues, too, doll. Maybe we should e-cocktail tonight.

Al Sensu said...

a. sorry about the puke
b. we love you

Amy Guth said...

Love lists, doll. I understand them like a motherfuck.

Miss Smack said...

Hey jew-gorgeous,

Don't worry about it. It happens to everyone - even Christians.

It'll pass. See you Saturday.

ps. Check your email.

xx Smack

Miss Smack said...

oh one more thing... if that neighbour keeps peeping in you, report it.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Erratum re Errata re peeping neighbor. The Russian strip malls are on the WEST side of Sunset near Crescent Heights. Not sure if reporting it is a great idea unless you have a sense he is harmless. If he's a real weirdo a conventional visit by cops might put him on tilt. Probably best to lower shades on windows facing him and forget about it or egg his house. If he does ANYTHING more serious than peeping, call cops or use Russian option or both ;)...if you like extreme measures, blue rags by 7-11 store in Venice are very resaonable and approachable and discreet and diplomatic. Actually not kidding about latter.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

christ i did it again...SOUTH SIDE of SUNSET...and blue OR red in that part of Venice equally good if push comes to shove and shove comes to worse! ;)

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Older brother instinct in me kicking in here. I have actual younger sister and am very protective of her.

Usually, though these things amount to nothing. A couple of years ago a Hollywood agent called me on cell while I was in LV playing cards. He said something very threatening with regard to a tech business venture he had no part of. I called my attorney. And then I called somebody who has REAL experience with these sorts of things and asked him if I should be worried. He laughed out loud and said "forget about it...these people live in a fantasy world...I'll bet anything HBO had 'Get Shorty' on last night. Go back to your game and enjoy yourself."

Eebie said...

Trying again ...

Sucks, I feel for you. After going through days like you're having, my first impression is that it was a loss, yet I always conclude it was this ol' bod' taking a break.

I just posted. Cheers!

Rhet said...

"...to glance through my window to see my tits...."

He is under contract from me, do not pay him any mind.
And it is spelled "teats", you ignorant New York Jewess cunt!

Cheer up, at least you have a car!
You rich and ignorant New York Jewessing cuntbutlering Vulvanator.

Captain Smack said...

I've never heard of a dog vomiting on someone's head before. It's not that I don't sympathize with you - I know it must have been horrible and all - but that really cracked me up.

(am I a bad person?)

Miss Smack said...

yes, yes you are.

Mountjoy said...

So are we supposed to wait a whole 'nother menses before you post again, girlfriend?

Someone isn't keeping up with her side of the social contract we have here, I think!

Amy Guth said...

Let's go easy on JewGirl. Maybe she just needs a little time.

Madam Z said...

Five days! That's not "a little time." That's BIG time! C'mon, JewGirl. Let us know you're still out there! I'm a mother! I worry!

Miss Smack said...

If you feel a little warmth on your face today when the place is cold and empty, thats me sending you my love all the way from Australia.

Coaster Punchman said...

Aww, I hope you're no longer a blue jew. Leezy misses you.

 

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