Tuesday, November 14, 2006

no vibrators for katie

as you may or may not know, I am not skilled in the art of vibrator ownership. I've never been a savvy vibrator or dildo consumer. it's quite embarrassing. no. really. it's true. I even wrote an essay about it called, born to fuck.

first of all, let me just say, these are not metaphors. they are sad and pathetic truths.

today, the cable man came out to replace my box because my box died a sad and tragic death on sunday. I was so forlorn. I love television. it's my favorite medium.

moving the fucking story along.

I have these two drawers under my television. one is for vibrators. the other is for remote controls.

he plugs the box in and says, you're all set. where is your remote control? like the moron I am, I say, it's in the drawer.

his chubby spanish fingers pull the drawer open. it creaks (I do love vintage chach). my eyes widen. I jump up realizing the drawer that he's opened. he looks inside. our mouth's dropped and our eyes locked for a moment.


he shoved his little mayan hand in my drawer and REMOVED MY VIBRATOR.

I ripped it out of his hand and said, wrong remote control! go. leave. bye.

as I'm pushing him out the door, he says, you have to sign the work order.

I said, yeah. not gonna happen. I've hit my shame quota for the day. just take the work order and shove it up your little ass.

I slammed the door in his face.


Writeprocrastinator said...

Rejoice in knowing that you will be forever enshrined in cable installer lore

From Compton to Conneticut

Until cable is no more

Nicole Criona said...


Mountjoy said...

wp has that right, katie, you are now a legend: in my work, we move house a bit, and in a futile attempt to make small take with the social detritus that are "movers" I usually ask the guy wrapping all the glasswear what the strangest stuff he has had to deal with. Sure enough, one guy related a story about being asked to pack bedside tables, only to be met with a gigantic 18" long black dildo, and a shameless owner...

Enjoy your noteriety.

Stegbeetle said...

"Wrong remote control" - lol.

Reminds me of a lady friend of mine who was taken ill unexpectedly. Her Mother came to stay to help her look after the kids. One day Mother decides to remake the beds and turn the mattresses. Sure enough, stuffed handily under mattress...
Apparently Mother didn't comment, she was distracted by the handcuffs hanging from the bed head.

John Donald Carlucci said...

You make baby Jesus cry when you touch yourself.


Al Sensu said...

"my box died a sad and tragic death "

I'm so sorry.

Oh, you meant your cable box!

Ms Smack said...



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