Monday, September 29, 2008

500 Cunterific Words From The One The Only Mr. Mxyzptlk

Cuntless hours of interviews in small town Alaska. Muntains of documents to review. Yes, the vetting process McCunt’s staff undertook for Sarah Palin was thorough.

The dubious demagogues of Democrat say it was a choice made in haste after McCunt was told he couldn’t go with Labiaman or Rigid. But McCunt licked his finger and raised it high to see how the wind blew, and that blow job told him to go north to Alaska.

Alas the long nights make abstinence hard for a teenage girl. Sadly, it never occurred to her that as the daughter of the freakin’ Governor, this would not be a private matter. But not to worry, the Governor does not believe in the right to privacy. She, like McCunt, believes it is their right to enter your bedroom. If only they brought klieg lights and a camera.

“Mommy,” said, Tigger, “I cunt have this baby.” But Governor Mommy told l’il Tigger it was her burden to bear, as they sat on the bear hide sofa. “You must marry Levi, he’s a nice Jewish boy,” said Governor Mommy.

Meanwhile, the Democratics were apoplectic. How can they attack Tina Fey when she’s running for Vice President? What will happen to 30 Rock if she gets elected? And how did she get elected in Alaska during the writers strike?

L’il Tigger was upset. “Mommy, you said not to give the boys b.j.s, so what was I supposed to do? Abstinence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes the hard-on grow harder!”

The Governor looked at her sternly and said, “You should have used natural birth control and taken it up your hind end like I do when the First Dude gets frisky.”

“But Mommy, you had another baby just this spring. Was that on purpose?”

“Yes, Tigger, the Governorship and four children just wasn’t enough to keep me occupied.”

In St. Paul, preparations were made for the Elephant convention. While John and the Governor were in Mississippi filling sandbags, Cindy was rehearsing talking points with Steve Douchebag of Fox & Friends.

“Oh, Cindy, unh, John was right, you are a real cunt.”

“Steve, omygod, unh, unh, remember to say Sarah Palin has fern policy experience because Alaska is near Russia.”

“I will Cindy, unh, unh, unh, aaaaah. Here comes my intercuntinental ballistic missile!”

“Oh, Steve, nobody fucks you over like Fox News. Where’s Geraldo? I need a mustache ride!”

As they dressed, grievances were being redressed in the streets below. Geraldo was busy getting teargassed for his live take. Bill O’Reilly grabbed Keith Olbermann from behind, spun him around and kicked him in the balls. Dan Rather broadcast live to the one subscriber to HDNet. And Jon Stewart decided to start doing straight news because there was nothing left to satirize.

And instead of speaking at the convention, Cheney took Bush sailing in the Gulf as a hurricane approached. Cheney said, “George, drop trou and bend over, it’s time to show your support for offshore drilling!”

About my good friend Mr. Mxyzptlk, he is not only Superman’s most confounding nemesis, but the alter ego of a libertarian-leaning (but not really) super-liberal who did once vote for a Republican (for District Attorney). He resides in a western swing (y’know, Bob Wills) state that was recently host to two national nominating conventions.

Some of Mr. Mxyzptlk's finest posts, Hey Teresa Pay Attention, 10 Things That I Really Don't Want To, Skid Marks, PT Barnum Lives, Surging Toward Lowest Common, and Supergroup for Geezers.
You know what to do! Leave your vote in comments. This is the first essay being posted for October. Let's kick it off with a bang. Vote. Vote. Vote.
Mr. Mxyztptlk, brilliant, hilarious essay. Great satire, toots. Grazie!


Fran said...

Oh damn- that is good, cuntilly good!!


Anonymous said...


Unknown said...

"Dan Rather broadcast live to the one subscriber to HDNet."

Cold, just cold.


www.Democracy Hypocrisy

Anonymous said...

This has nothing to do with your post but I wanted to say...

Shana Tova, baby!

Madam Z said...

I have cuntinued to read all the cuntry posts, but cunt make up my mind which was best.

And then...

"Abstinence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes the hard-on grow harder!”

Stick my vote into Mr. M's sweet spot.

Mister Mxyzptlk said...

Thanks, Madame! And yes, not to proud to vote for myself.

Anonymous said...

I cun't stop reading this essay. Well done Mister!

Randal Graves said...

It's almost like Mad Libs except only variations of 'cunt' are allowed. It's, dare I say it, poetic.

Cormac Brown said...

Dang Mxy, I don't know whether to be disturbed or turned on...does that make me a Republican?

Anonymous said...

Isn't Mr. Mxyzcuntptlk the most cuntilicious of essayists? If only I could watch Thursday's debate with him!!!

Anonymous said...

Chit, I snorted coffee up me nose. This was too funny. You write for anyone seriously? What a hoot!

Unknown said...

Cuntinue the great satire, Mxyzptlk.

Katie Schwartz said...

Mister Mister has my vote for sure. I will be responding to all of your fabulous comments and votes. Thank you so much for participating.

Isn't Mister Mister AMAZING!!! He's a rockin writer.

Keep those votes a'cummin.

Katie Schwartz said...

Franny, don't you just love Mister Mister's turn of phrase! This yarn was most kick assified.

Katie Schwartz said...

JDC, he's one butch bubbie.

Katie Schwartz said...

Thank you, Hillykins! Shana Tova to you, too, my sweet.

Katie Schwartz said...

MadamZ, so great to see you on the bloggy. I adore why you chose to vote for this essay. Great line indeed.

Katie Schwartz said...

Mister Mister, you have to vote for yourself. I voted for you, too!

Katie Schwartz said...

Randal, that is hilarious. You're so cuntservant.

Katie Schwartz said...

Spartacus, that's how I felt, too. I read this about a dozen times. I absolutely loved it.

Katie Schwartz said...

OMG CORMAC, I am howling. I think that's one of the most perfect sentences I've ever read in my life.

Katie Schwartz said...

Yo Geodog, yes, his essay is fucking fabulous. I wish I could watch Thursday's debate with him, too. His writing is exceptional and he's relentless, which I adore.

Anonymous said...

Katie -

Your contest reminds me of why my French friends giggle whenever some mentions they live in a Cul de Sac.



susan said...

I laughed so much I was afraid I'd get in incuntinent.


design by