Saturday, September 02, 2006

jewergy hell


I am ready to peel the skin off my face. rip my sinuses out of my god damned mother fucking skull. burn them. and feed them to the cunt bitch neighbor next door, who, again, had the gall, the audacity, the fucking nerve to say to me...

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SNEEZING!

this was the conversation

neighcunt: you have sneezed over 30 times in a row. don't you think it's time you do something about it?

me: short of mainlining benadryl, what do you propose I do?

neighcunt: try another antihistamine. your sneezing breaks my concentration and you constantly blow your nose. it's annoying.

me: fucking your boyfriend, ooh, yeah, ooh. such a man. ooh, yeah, harder. harder. ooh, I'm cumming. hardly constitutes a need to put your thinking cap on. which, by the way, I don't even think you own. If I'm not mistaken, this is the first time I've seen you standing up, and without a cock in your mouth (I clapped). bravo, philly, bravo.

neighcunt slammed her window shut and screamed, BITCH.

so, what did I do? I threw a glass of water at her window.

7 comments:

Writeprocrastinator said...

Neighbor: CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SNEEZING!

Write Procrastinator: Could you please be more insensitive to Katie? I need more dialogue from the black pit that passes as your "soul," to give my next villain more character.

John Donald Carlucci said...

Virgil was Katie's replacement as guide through Hell. Upper management felt Katie was too rough on the new damned.

You are my hero for your last line to NC. The water was anti-climatic. Leave on a strong act out.

JDC

Mars said...

aww, I don't have nearly as close a relationship with my neighbors.. :( I'm jealous.

AL said...

i know a little something about revenge. here is what i propose. make a recording of your sneeze. make a continuous loop of the recording that runs for...lets say 5.7 hours. turn your speakers up as loud as possible...really loud...loverboy concert loud...then go have yourself a fun day of shopping for sex toys and chocolate bars.

another great tactic might be to make nice with the bitch. apologise and then in a few days, ask her if you could use her washroom (say your toilet is fucked and the plumber is on the way) then when you are inside the washroom, dump about a tablespoon of salt in her contact lens solution. all you gotta do is sit back and bask in her red-eyed horror...

n.v. said...

Katie, did you really say that to her? You must really be cracked. I dig it. Aren't you afraid of getting shot?

Writeprocrastinator said...

"Katie, did you really say that to her? You must really be cracked. I dig it. Aren't you afraid of getting shot?"

Non Voca,

Katie's from one of the five boroughs of the NYC. This is how life-long friends talk to each other there, during their warmest moments.

katie schwartz said...

you're all so brilliant and clever! she's a right cunt, my neighbor. I think it's thyroid related.

 

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